by Jason June
“I get that,” Albert said, “and I one hundred percent always want people to be who they are. I just don’t get why we’ve got to specifically call out genitals so much in the gay community to do it. Why is it all packaged with penis puns?” He rolled his eyes and groaned. “Like me pairing package and penis. I swear I wasn’t trying to be funny.”
I laughed and nudged his shoulder. “I totally get what you’re trying to say. I think it’s just different levels of comfort for different people. You’re totally allowed to not be into it.”
“Thanks.” Albert linked his fingers in mine again. “And you’re allowed to be into it.” He thrust his hips from side to side. “I mean, you let me be me. You fully embraced the Digihips, after all.” He grinned sheepishly. That dimple of his could totally rival Tony’s smirk. “Metaphorically, of course. Unless, you know, you ever wanted to embrace them. Literally.”
“Yes,” I said, making Albert laugh. “Metaphorically, literally, the answer is always yes.”
We had made it to Cal Anderson Park. It was dark by that point, and with the steadily increasing downpour chasing away any nighttime joggers, the whole space was empty. It was kind of like being back on our property in Riverton: open sky, nature in my peripheral vision, no other people in our vicinity. It made me feel a lot closer to Albert, like we were the only two people in the city. I would never have said this when I felt stuck and alone on the other side of the state, but it was nice to have this moment, totally away from the hustle of Seattle while still technically being right in the middle of it. Standing there in the park with no one around and the open sky above made me feel for just a bit like I could breathe easier.
So much had been knocked off the Gay Agenda so fast. I’d met gays, kissed a couple of them, had sex with one, was quickly falling for another, and while I wanted everything to happen that had happened, I needed a moment to take it all in. To process how quickly my life was changing, and all the feelings I had about Lu and the hoedown. She still hadn’t called me. I’d tried calling her Sunday when I got home from Max’s, but she texted that she was taking an extra shift at the diner and insisted she’d call me when she was free. It felt wrong that it had been two days since I lost my virginity and I wouldn’t be able to tell her about it. But she thought I was going to homecoming with Albert because we were boyfriends, so I couldn’t very well tell her about my time with Tony. Lu and I told each other everything, but now I was telling half-truths and she was avoiding me. With time to stop and think about it, I was getting mad at her. I’d gone our whole lives hearing about the relationship milestones she’d had, but when I’d started to have firsts of my own, she couldn’t be bothered to be there for me. Instead, I had to protect her feelings about everything, so much so that I’d declared Albert my boyfriend before he’d officially asked.
Albert squeezed my hand, snapping me out of my thoughts. “Can I be totally honest?”
I nodded. He had such a serious expression on his face that he must have been grappling with drama of his own. It made me nervous. My first thought was that he’d found out about Tony and was mad at me for seeing other people. But we’d never had the DTR, so I should be allowed to hook up without him getting upset, right? Max had said those were the rules.
“I’m sure I sounded like such a prude back there,” Albert said, “but I’m not a virgin.”
That was the last thing I expected him to say. Honestly, I wanted to shout, Great! Let’s get it on!, but he looked like he had more that he wanted to get out, so I kept my mouth shut.
“I’ve had sex, and I want to have sex again,” Albert continued, “with the right person.” He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed it, all but outright saying I was that guy. “I mean, I like you, Jay. You seem like such a great guy, and you’re someone I can just be myself around. I might not want to talk about my sex life with strangers, but I can talk about it with you, and just so you know, I want to get to that place with you. I can feel myself getting closer to that every time we hang out.”
“Me too,” I whispered. My crotch was swelling, but so was my heart. The feeling was totally different from the one I had with Tony, who made it clear we were just doing things for fun. Albert made sex sound so much more special, like it wasn’t just a mashing of parts, but a bonding of bodies and souls. I wanted to feel that with him.
“But I’m not quite there yet,” Albert went on, and the swelling in my heart and other parts deflated. “My ex wasn’t so patient with me. It seemed like overnight he was all about sex, and I felt pressured to go all the way before I was ready. I just kept thinking about all those stupid stereotypes again, that Asian men are only comical or somehow have no sex drive, so I did it to prove the labels wrong. And I felt terrible after.”
Albert’s confession made me realize just how dangerous stereotypes could be. Ever since I’d come out, I’d been hyper-aware of gay tropes, trying to dispel them, letting my classmates know that just because I was into certain stereotypically gay things didn’t make them some law of nature of what it meant to be gay. It was frustrating and annoying, but Albert was sharing how stereotypes can affect a person’s body. How they can dehumanize someone so much that they make choices that feel completely wrong just to prove they are human. It wasn’t right.
“After we had sex, I told Kyler we needed to slow down,” Albert said. “He dumped me. He wasn’t willing to wait. I decided after he left that I’m just going to be myself, no matter what. I won’t compromise like that again. So what I’m trying to say is: this has been amazing. And, kissing you is—peeeeoooww!” He perfectly mimicked the mind-blown emoji. “If things keep going this direction, I’ll be ready. But we’ve only really known each other for a couple weeks. I’m not ready yet. I just wanted to be up-front before this goes any further. I don’t want to be hurt again. If you can’t wait, you are more than free to go.”
Albert baring his soul only made me fall for him further. I hadn’t known when I’d created the Gay Agenda that vulnerability and honesty were totally the qualities that would lead to number five, falling in love. But after a couple weeks with Albert, it was obvious. And I wanted to return the favor.
“I am ready,” I admitted. “For sex.” Gawd, I sounded like such a caveman. “I—” Something tugged at the corner of my mind, stopping me before I mentioned Tony. I’d admitted to Albert on our first date that I was a virgin, so if I let him know I wasn’t one now, he’d know that I’d been hooking up with someone recently. Would that totally blow our chances of getting to boyfriend status?
TO TELL OR NOT TELL THE TONY TRUTH
1.Tell him I’d had sex. (But then he might think I’m a sex-crazed addict like his ex.)
2.Tell him I hadn’t had sex. (It might make him feel better, but it’s an outright lie.)
3.Let him just keep thinking I was a virgin. (Since what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him, right?)
The third option seemed the safest. I loved our dates, whether Albert wanted to have sex yet or not. When the time was right for him, the time would totally be right for me, and me having already had sex with Tony wouldn’t change that. In fact, me having sex with Tony might actually make me better at it so that I wasn’t so fumbling and awkward like when I nearly kneed Tony’s dick to death. All telling Albert about Tony could do was hurt him or make him worry when he literally had nothing to worry about. Then we could continue on our trajectory to become boyfriends, and when Albert said he wanted to be in a relationship, I’d say yes instantly. I could just tell him I wanted to be official myself, but if I told him right then, I worried he’d think I was trying to speed him along in the process of hooking up. So in the meantime, Albert and I could keep falling for each other at our own pace, while Tony and I could continue fooling around because we both knew that what we were doing was just for fun. No strings attached; nobody would get hurt.
I decided to tell Albert something that was 100 percent true.
“I can wait for you.”
When we finally had
the DTR, I’d gladly become a one-man guy. It was something I could hardly wait for. And when it did, I was ready to replace the Gay Agenda with a whole new list. It would be full of experiences I wanted to have with one boy in particular.
And I’d call it the Albert Agenda.
By the time our date was done, it was only nine o’clock. The Mexican restaurant we’d eaten at was just a couple blocks away from Albert’s place, so I walked him home before heading back to mine. Our kiss good night was just as tender and spirit-shaking as the one at the beginning of our date, if not more so after Albert had bared his soul to me in the park. It left such a buzz in my body that I decided I’d have to jog home to get the energy out.
I picked up the pace, but my phone vibrated with a text before I was even at the end of the street. I couldn’t stop smiling thinking about Albert being just as eager to talk to me as I was to him.
But when I pulled my phone out of my pocket, Albert’s name wasn’t the one scrolling across the screen. It was Tony’s.
Don’t leave me hangin.
The eggplant emojis following his words sent all the blood out of my twitterpated heart and into my crotch. It was alarming how quickly my body could switch from love to lust at the drop of a text.
I hadn’t responded to Tony’s message that afternoon. He still wanted a repeat of what had gone down over the weekend, and I wouldn’t have minded one either. Albert still hadn’t broached the DTR and wanted to wait to see where everything between us was going. So it wouldn’t be breaking any rules if I hooked up with Tony again. I could have a date full of heart and a hookup full of head. It was the best of both worlds.
And I still had two hours before my curfew to do it.
What are you up to now? I texted.
His response was immediate.
Cum over
It was the hottest text I’d ever received in my life.
22.
Get Caught in the Act
The week went by in a complete blur. Albert and I finally went up to the Space Needle and kissed with the city blooming below us. I immediately wanted more heartfelt kisses, so I locked him down for a date over the weekend. Tony and I hooked up two more times, and Tony supplied his own condoms so Mom wouldn’t be able to snoop and see that any were missing from the box she left under the sink. Tuna Turner sent in her homecoming track list to get the songs preapproved by the principal so no dirty lyrics could corrupt our impressionable young minds. Lu texted, which was good because we’d finished our tote bags in Fashion Design and I could actually send it to her since she was talking to me again. She even asked what costume I’d come up with for homecoming. She didn’t like to admit when she was wrong, but I would gladly take her reaching out and asking about my boy-filled life as an apology.
“I cannot believe that my award-winning costume abilities are being used to make a huge butt,” I said while I showed Max a sketch of my vision. It was Saturday, and Max had come over with a ton of beige fabric. We would create two huge round masses out of the material and stuff them with cotton. Then we’d hang the masses around our necks. We’d also make long skirts of the same fabric to drape over our legs. When we came together, the two cheeks would press close, obviously making the butt, and then our skirts right next to each other would look like the legs the Great Behind was attached to.
“Oh, it’s not that bad,” Max said. “It’s not like you’re making an ass of yourself.” He didn’t even wait to see my reaction before bursting into laughter. “This is never going to get old.”
My phone buzzed with a call from Lu. Relief washed through me that we really were getting back to normal. This was how things were supposed to be: me and my two best friends hanging together—even if one was over the phone—while I forged ahead with the Gay Agenda.
“Hi, Lu,” I said. “I’ve got you on speaker. Max is here.”
“Hey, girl!” Max called. He waved even though she couldn’t see him, his ponytail swishing back and forth.
“Take me off,” Lu said. She didn’t seem right. Her nose sounded stuffed and the words came out like she was forcing them through a lump in her throat.
I instantly jerked the phone to my ear. “What’s wrong?”
“Headline news: We’ve been evicted. We couldn’t pay rent on our trailer.”
“No, Lu.” The breath was knocked out of me. My gut twisted. “What can I do?”
She let out a sob. This was bad. So, so bad. Lu did not cry.
“Nothing,” she choked out. “We’ve been saving all the money we have from my job and the very few clients Carol gets at our trailer. But it wasn’t enough.”
“But like . . .” I couldn’t believe the question I was about to ask, or that Lu would actually have to worry about this. “Where are you going to sleep?”
“Leslie said we can stay in the salon office until her lease runs out at the end of the month.” Lu drummed her nails faster than I’d ever heard before. “This is so pathetic.”
“Stop,” I said. “Don’t say that.”
“But it is!” Lu wailed. “I need you, Jay. This is the exact reason Chip en—” Her voice hitched. “Chip ended our relationship. Why stay with a broke high school girl who can barely afford her phone? Who doesn’t even have a home?”
“Lu, I . . .”
I didn’t know what to say. How do you make somebody feel better when their entire world is crashing around them? When you’re suddenly living the life you’ve dreamed of, and there’s nothing either of you can do to stop the train that’s barreling down the tracks, ready to flatten your best friend while you cruise on by?
“This was not supposed to be senior year,” Lu said, angry now. “I should be applying for college and I should be able to afford it and I shouldn’t be sleeping on the same air mattress as my aunt—who I shouldn’t even be living with, by the way, because both of my parents shouldn’t have died—and I shouldn’t have to be hundreds of miles away from my best friend.”
I felt a knife through my heart. Planning dates with VSBs or hooking up with them in dorms all seemed so ridiculous now. Lu was what mattered. I needed to be with her, not focusing on frivolous crap.
Max typed into the Notes app on his phone. Is she okay?
I grabbed his cell and typed back, No. I don’t know what to do.
Max snapped his fingers. “Tell her we’re going as a butt to homecoming. Invite her to come, she won’t be able to help but crack up at our costume.” He moved his mouth so it was as close to the speaker as possible. “Come to homecoming and witness Albert ask Jay to be his boyfriend.”
I swear the air got sucked out of the room.
“What did Max say?” Lu whispered.
“Lu—”
“Albert is going to ask you to be his boyfriend? I thought he already was. You said you couldn’t come to the hoedown because you needed to spend time with your boyfriend. And then you guilted me for all the time I spent with Chip. That was you who said all those things, wasn’t it, or am I making this up?”
I would kill Max.
“It’s just that I’m starting to make a life here, Lu, and I couldn’t just up and leave when things have been going so well. I mean, I do want Albert to be my boyfriend, and I’ve been hooking up with this guy and lost my virginity and—”
“You lost your WHAT?” Lu screamed. “When were you going to tell me?”
“Well, I tried, but you’ve been so busy.” I knew it was a weak excuse. “And everything seemed like it was kind of crashing down around you. I didn’t want to make it worse by rubbing it in your face how awesome things were going for me.”
“Excuse me if my life is such a downer for you, Jay.”
I wanted to hear Lu clacking her nails again. If she clicked her nails, it meant she was more sad or nervous than angry. When Lu got angry, it was nearly impossible for her to snap out of it. But the clacking never came. Lu was pissed, and when that happened, she clenched her hands in fists.
“No, that’s not what I meant,” I sa
id. “Why don’t you just fly here and come to homecoming with us?” I was grasping at straws, but I’d try anything to make Lu less angry with me.
“I can’t miss a whole weekend’s worth of shifts, Jay. Haven’t you been listening to me, or are you too busy coming up with whatever lie you’re going to tell me next?”
“Come on, Lu, you know I’ve been—”
She cut me off before I could give her another pathetic excuse. “It’s fine. You know what? Enjoy homecoming. Enjoy your new life. Because I don’t want you in mine.”
Click.
I called back, but Lu just sent me straight to voice mail. I tried again, and she did the same thing. The third time I called, she picked up, screamed, “FUCK YOU!” and that was that.
Max fidgeted nervously with his ponytail. “Did I just mess up?”
A wave of heat washed over me. If Max had just kept his fracking mouth shut, none of this would have been an issue.
“That is the biggest understatement. I’d come up with the perfect reason I couldn’t go back to Riverton, but you—”
Something in my gut stopped me from stabbing an accusatory finger in Max’s chest. This really wasn’t Max’s fault, was it? If I had just been up front with Lu from the start, I wouldn’t be in this mess.
Max looked like Damon back on the second day of school. Like if he spoke too loudly or said the wrong thing, I might bite his head off. “Hey, Jay, I’m really sorry,” Max mumbled. “I totally didn’t mean—”
“You don’t have to apologize.” I meant it, I really did, but I still couldn’t stop replaying Max letting it slip that Albert wasn’t my boyfriend. He told Lu in so many words that I’d lied to her. If he’d just kept quiet, I could be comforting Lu about getting evicted. Instead, she’d evicted me from her life.
Max picked at nonexistent fluff on his track pants. “Should we get back to the Great Behind?”
I looked to the mass of beige fabric and bags of cotton balls. My mind couldn’t focus on how to put the items together. Instead, I kept replaying Lu’s FUCK YOU! on repeat with images of her clenched fists squeezing my heart into a pulp.