After reading The Very Cranky Bear for the fourth time, I kissed my children and said goodnight, and they were out like a light. I felt the book should be called ‘The Very Cranky Mummy,’ as that was how I was feeling after reading it four times in a row. Although the ‘plain but thoughtful sheep’ at the end made me think: life shouldn’t be about things, such as who drives the best car, and who has the biggest house. It should just be about experiences, adventure, and the family and friends you meet along the way. Now I think I’m just a very plain but thoughtful mummy, who had to have that not so plain but hard conversation that needed to be had with her husband; if I can get him away from the TV first.
Here I go! Wish me luck, the very hard conversation time with my husband had arrived. I had been rehearsing what to say in my head all day, now it’s time to deliver.
So, it turns out my rehearsal and the script I had in my head was a complete waste of time, as what came out of my mouth was not part of the script at all. I ad-libbed and went for it. If there was a director in the room, sitting on one of those important director chairs, the word ‘Cut!’ would have been yelled out, and the clap board would have been clapped within thirty seconds of me opening my mouth.
I couldn’t control the words, I don’t know if it was because I was nervous, scared or excited, but I just blurted it out. “Paul we are obviously not happy, we are in a rut. I want a six-month break, I want to take the kids to Scotland and broaden their minds with travel, because that’s what they say.” “That’s what who says?” he asked.
“I don’t know, it’s what people say. That travel broadens the mind. Anyway, that’s not the point, I need a break. I need time away to see if what we have is worth fighting for. I need to go to Scotland and get it out of my mind. I can’t leave the children though. Will you let us go?”
There was a long silence in the room. I felt strange, I felt light, I felt relieved that I had got this whole insane idea off my chest, whether I ended up going or not. The dream of going to Scotland had been weighing me down. Now it was out in the open, I needed the next word I heard to be ‘yes,’ not ‘cut’. A cut would mean this whole scene would be put in the deleted scene file and never be shown to anyone. Which would be a shame, as most deleted scenes from programs are rather good, and would have made the program that much better to watch; just as this scene would make my life just that much better and interesting to live.
I wanted a ‘yes.’ ‘Please say yes,’ I thought to myself. The silence continued, which allowed time for my mind to lose focus again. I started thinking about that great, deleted Outlander scene, where we find ‘Jamie’ lying upon his kilt – that is spread out on the floor – and wrapping it around his beautiful, manly, Scottish body. I never did know how they put kilts on, now I do, only thanks to my obsession to Google all things Outlander. That is how I just happened to come across that Outlander deleted scene one day – SCORE! Still to this day, I don’t understand why they would have cut such a sexy scene that involved the sexiest character alive, do they not know that their following is mainly middle aged women, or any aged woman for that fact, who would have just melted at such a sight?
Just like I will not understand – if the director Paul, in this situation that is, ends up saying no – how this scene in my life will be cut and sent off to the land of deleted files. A beautiful strong scene of a woman and her two children taking off to a new land, to Scotland, looking for adventure, looking to explore and broaden their minds, came into my head. But as I came back into focus and reality, I saw my husband shaking his head and his face had gone a strange red colour. Maybe it was the spicy tomato chips he had been eating, maybe it was what I had just blurted out. I did hope it was the first option, but after a minute or two I realized it was the second option, ‘Damn it.’ I thought.
“Are you out of your mind woman?” was the next thing I heard. I was shocked at such a statement.
“Well no Paul, as a matter of fact, I haven't been more in my mind.”
Whatever that meant. It did sound better in my head but once I had said it and saw the confused look on his face, I thought I had better explain what I meant.
“Paul, this is the first time in a very long time that I feel like I’m in my mind. I’m listening to what my mind and body is telling me. We can’t carry on like this, we need to either make a clean break here and now, or we need to take a break and see if what we have here is worth saving. Either way, staying how we are isn’t helping either of us. Damn it Paul, we are almost 40! That’s half of our lives gone, if we are lucky to make 80. We need to make a change. All I’m asking is six months away with the girls, six months with a free pass to live how we wish. After six months, we will know if what we have is worth saving, or if it’s time to say ‘enough is enough,’ and go our separate ways. We will always be connected for our children’s sake, but we need to find out if we are strong enough as a couple to be apart for six months.”
There, I said it, everything that needed to be said in this very hard conversation that needed to be had with my husband; or maybe exhusband, only time will tell. The next thing that happened was a door slamming behind Paul as he went off to bed.
I woke up the next morning to find a hand upon my back. No, it wasn't Jamie’s, I wasn’t in dream land now. It was a familiar hand, a hand that had touched me for the last seventeen years. I knew every line and mark that belonged to that hand. That hand belonged to a man that I did once love, a man that had meant the world to me and was my everything. But somehow, we had grown apart; somehow, we were now two very different people from the people we were when we were 20 years old. I turned to face him. His eyes were wet and looked like they had had very little sleep that night. He started to talk but the first word didn't come out, he coughed a bit to clear his throat. Half of him didn't want to let the words out, free from his mouth and gone forever, but after he cleared his throat and the words were out, I scooped them up and collected them in my heart, so he could never take those four very important words back.
“Yes, you can go. Six months will either break or make us, but we need to try, because Sheila,” – “Sassenach,” I corrected him under my breath, but he didn’t hear me, luckily. – "We can’t keep going on like this, can we?”
“No, we can’t.” I responded and turned over with a slight grin on my face: from excitement, nerves, and to be honest, a whole lot of sadness. I will miss Paul and our marriage, even if it was a marriage of convenience for the last few years. We had relied on each other for company and security, but there is more to life than that, and these things were all just a false sense of security anyway. Plus, it’s only for six months. ‘Oh my goodness! I’m off to Scotland with my two girls. Can we really do this?’ I thought. ‘Yes we can!’ I told myself.
Chapter Three
Preparation For Departure
The next day I was up at the crack of dawn, I was too overwhelmed to sleep any more. My mind had come to its senses, and reality had now kicked in. I had so much to do, so much to organise. One of my first thoughts should have been about money: how was I going to afford this trip? This had not been my first thought however, as I knew I had the money from my redundancy a few years back, when the company I worked for had been forced to shut down. I had put all that money away into a savings account and let the interest do its thing. Luckily I had found the catering job at ‘First Class Catering’ straight away, so there was no need to spend the redundancy money. Instead I decided to leave it where it was, for a rainy day perhaps.
Luckily where we are going, there will be lots of rainy days to spend our money, so I’ve heard anyway – apparently, it rains most of the year in Scotland. I had better prepare a budget anyway. I would leave enough money to cover my half of the rent for six months, and after that we will decide what to do with the house.
This morning ran a whole lot smoother than yesterday morning. By the time the kids got out of bed, their cornflakes were in their bowls, with the correct amount of milk, waiting for the
m. Sorry Rupert, no milk for you this morning. Their uniforms were laid out ready for them to put on, and their school lunches were packed. Paul didn’t say a word to me on the way to dropping him off to work, but kissed the girls’ goodbye as he got out of the car.
Before I knew it, the girls and I were back at the school gates saying our goodbyes for the day. Carol was there also, dressed in her active gear, ready to hit the gym after school drop off.
“Hey Letticia,” she said. “Guess what? I’m now onto the second book, I can’t get enough of it! I’m becoming obsessed!”
‘Oh, Carol,” I said. “You are nowhere near obsessed yet. You will know when you are, believe me.”
She looked at me strangely with her two big brown eyes. She was looking straight through me, as if to say, ‘Spit it out woman, you are holding back on me.’
“Oh, is that so?” she answered. “And when will I know when such a time happens then?” And there I go again; I just blurt it out.
“The girls and I are off to Scotland for six months. Paul and I are taking a six-month separation, it’s going to either make us or break us, but it needs to happen.”
The words came out of my mouth so fast, I couldn’t control them. I waited for her reaction, which took a moment or two to appear. What I could see happening was a smile slowly forming on her face, her perfect white teeth beginning to shine through her lips. “Well, about time Letticia,” she said. “You and Paul both deserve happiness, whether it’s together or not. As they say, ‘Time will tell.’”
I thought to myself again, ‘Who says that?’
I then heard her start to laugh and say, “You never know, you might find yourself a real Jamie, and never come home.”
I then said to her, “Well, you do know ‘There is more than one redhead in Scotland Claire.’ Some body very tall and handsome once said that!”
We both laughed and I said, “So if I find an extra one, I will surely send him your way.” And on that note, we hugged and said goodbye, she went off to the gym and I continued my way to work yet again.
Today was the day that I had decided to hand my notice in. Hopefully, I could find a time when my boss Abbey was not rushing around like a bull in a china shop, and I could approach her in a timely manner. I had decided to just tell her the facts, and keep to the facts. She wasn’t one for small talk, so keeping to the facts shouldn’t be too hard. I walked into work holding my resignation letter in my hand. My hand felt wet and clammy, I obviously wasn’t as confident as I had first thought.
I found Abbey in her office on the phone as I walked in without knocking, which I never did with her. I saw her forehead looking like an ocean of waves coming into the shore and breaking up on impact, her eye brows raised with frustration and anger, her lips tight with even more anger. I stopped in the doorway, and thought to myself maybe it’s not the best time after all, so I mouthed, “Sorry, I will come back later.”
‘I’m doing a lot of mouthing lately,’ I thought and I turned my back away from the tidal wave that was about to explode, and decided to head towards my station to start the icing. I had only moved two steps in the other direction towards safety though, when I heard the phone slam down and a voice yelling, “Letticia! Get in here!” I had been caught in the rip of this wave, and was pulled back into the ocean, otherwise known as Abbey’s office. There was no going back, I tried to duck off to the side, out of her sight, as you do when you’re caught in a rip, what do they say? Swim horizontal to the shore line? I tried to walk horizontally, away from the office and into the hall cupboard, but it was locked and no use anyway, she had sight of me. She pulled me into her office with her magical boss powers, just as the ocean uses its magical powers to control.
“I lost it Letticia. All that preparation and hope, gone just like that.”
I didn’t know what she was talking about. I opened my mouth, and my words came out timid, and as quiet as a mouse. I did not want to cause a second wave to come crashing towards me. “Sorry, you lost what?”
“The contract, the catering contract for the next season of a series they are about to start filming. I don’t know all the details, all I know is that it was a good contract to get, and it was over in Scotland too. We would have made a whole lot of money from it. We lost it to some big catering company that apparently went in at a cheaper price, because they can afford to do so, plus they have more experience.”
The only word I was focusing on was the word Scotland. Damn, that would have made my dream of travelling to Scotland so much easier, and I would not be holding this letter in my hot, clammy little hand either.
“It’s all about money these days. It’s not a good day Letticia. I can’t take any other bad news. Anyway, what were you coming in here for? Did you need something?”
“Ummmmm, no, I was just coming in to say good morning, and bring you a coffee.”
It was actually my coffee, which I had already taken a small sip out of, but I’m sure that in her current state, she won’t notice that small detail.
Where is my director when I need him? I’m waiting for him to yell ‘Cut!’ with his little clap board. I don’t think I want that last scene in my life. Sadly, life isn’t like the movies; no deleting, you just have to pick yourself up and move on, and move on I did. I ended up handing in my notice at the end of the day, Abbey had calmed down a bit by then. She was still pissed off about the contract, but she too had now moved on to other contracts, and was working hard to win them.
I decided to break the news to her after I had finished work for the day, that way, if another one of her tidal waves was about to form, I could make a quick exit to my car, and leave to find safety on higher ground. Lucky though, there was no tidal wave in sight after I handed her the envelope, I think she was at the point where she was like, ‘Ahhh, shit happens.’
‘I picked my time perfectly,’ I thought. She wished me luck and said, “Once you return after six months which, let’s face it, we both know you will, I know you Letticia, there will be a job here waiting for you.”
I said thank you, and see you tomorrow. As I left the office I thought, ‘What does she mean by “I know you Letticia”? Was she implying that this was just another one of my wild ideas, and it wouldn’t work out, and I would end up crawling back with my tail between my legs? Well, if that’s the case, I will show her, I’m always up for a challenge. She should know that if she knows me so well.’ It was now time to break the news to my parents. They were not fans of Paul, so I’m sure they would be happy with my plan. They would miss the children terribly, but six months will fly by. I will leave out the Outlander and finding my own Jamie part though, I don’t want them to think that their daughter is losing her mind.
The kids and I arrived at my parents that night for dinner. As we walked up to the front door, the smell of roasting chicken was amazing, I was famished after a day of avoiding tidal waves. My girls however, were not. “Yuck, what’s that smell? I hope they give us pasta instead,” Polly said.
My parents opened the door before my finger even touched the doorbell.
“My girls are here!” Mum said. Dad stood behind her, ready with his arms out to pick the girls up and embrace them in a big grandad bear hug. My parents were in their seventies, and still as much in love with each other as the first day they met. See, it is possible, this sort of love does happen, and I’m out to find it. I’m just happening to travel thousands and thousands of miles away to find it. No different to what Claire did really, come to think of it. She just ‘decided’ to travel two hundred years into the past and through some rocks. I might just take a different route and stay in the current year.
Dinner went well. I ate seconds, then announced my news on a full stomach. I always did feel more confident on a full stomach. Polly and Leah were now in the lounge-room playing, I haven’t told them yet so I kept my voice down.
“Well, Mum and Dad, I have some news.”
“Yes dear, go on,” my mum said, looking at my stomach, implying,
are you pregnant?
I looked at Mum and said, “Mum, far from it, the only thing in there is a food baby.”
“Let her go on,” Dad said.
“Paul and I are separating for six months to see if what we have is worth saving. I’m taking the children and going on a six-month trip to Scotland.”
“Oh, Scotland?” Dad said.
“Yes, Scotland.” I answered back.
“Why Scotland dear?” Mum continued.
“Why not?” I asked.
“Well, dear if this is what you feel you need to do, then you have our support. The children will love it, but they will miss Paul terribly,” Mum said.
“Yes, but you know what they say dear,” Dad said. “Travel broadens the mind. It might do all three of them good.” I smiled at Dad and agreed with what he had just said. I then looked at Mum and said, “Paul and the girls will Skype every day, it will be fine.” “What is Skype?” Mum asked.
“Oh Olive, really, get with the times my love,” Dad said with a little giggle.
CONFIRM: the confirm button was staring at me, flashing, telling me to press it. Confirm your bloody tickets woman!! It was screaming out to me. My hand moved the mouse to direct the cursor to just hover on the confirm button, but to do nothing else at this stage. ‘One more glass of wine,’ I thought. ‘I need some Dutch courage for this.’ I poured the wine into my glass, then sat back and took a sip, not taking my eyes off that confirm button for one single minute. ‘Aye Letticia, you can do this,’ I said to myself. Good God, even my internal monologue was now talking like a Scot
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