by Nicole Thorn
Honestly, it had never been my favorite thing to do, but then Mom died. I still had dreams about standing by the doors of the church while people filed in, one at a time, each of them saying the same things over and over again. And each time I had to hold their hand and thank them when I really wanted to scream.
In reality, that had only lasted about an hour before everyone that could make it to her funeral had showed up. In my dreams, the lines stretched on and on, until it seemed like the entire world consisted of people that would mourn my mother. When Dad had gone into the hospital, I’d had the dream every night for almost a month. I’d barely slept.
My mother would be horrified to learn how poorly I treated people nowadays. She’d probably pull me aside by my ear to give me a stern talking to, not that that ever got through to me before.
I went to the door of the RV.
“What are you doing?” Sam demanded, sounding exasperated.
“Well, I can’t go and talk to him without preamble.”
“Sure you can,” Sam argued, but the door closed behind me before he could say anything else. I grabbed some of the money I hadn’t deposited in the bank, took a deep breath, and rushed back outside.
Sam said something behind me as I jogged across the road, but I didn’t catch any of it.
Jay looked up, his eyes narrowed as he saw me approaching. I had that effect on people. “Hey,” I said. A great opener. I’m so happy that Sam made me do this. I’m not making a fool of myself at all.
“Hey…” Jay said, more cautiously. In his truck, I saw a girl not too much younger than him looking out the window. She had a monster of a book on her lap and it looked like she was about halfway through it.
“So, uh, how much for a jar?” I asked, looking at all the honey on his table. I’d never seen so much of it before, all with the sun catching on the amber liquid. It made them look appealing and explained why he had been so adamant about this being his spot and all. I almost felt bad.
He raised an eyebrow. “You want a jar of honey?” he asked.
“That’s why I’m standing here,” I said, feeling the patience starting to leak out of my body.
“Why?”
“I thought that it would be nice to have honey?” It came out sounding like a question. Probably because I lied through my teeth. I didn’t want anything to do with the honey. I just wanted to make peace with the guy before the two of us glared ourselves out of customers.
A car pulled up behind the RV, and I heard a man called out, asking how much it would be for some jerky. Sam answered, probably without looking up from his book. I knew that he would cost me money doing that one day, but I couldn’t exactly yell at him from where I stood.
Jay’s eyes tracked the movement behind me, and I started to feel like coming over here had been a mistake. The bill crumpled in my hand certainly felt like a mistake…
“Thanks!” the guy buying jerky shouted. Rocks popped under his tires as he pulled a U-turn and rejoined the traffic, now richer in dried meat. I started to feel stupid.
Returning his gaze to me, Jay leaned back in his chair and pulled his phone out. “I’m on break right now. Come back in an hour and I’ll see about selling some of the honey to you.”
My eyebrows popped up. “Excuse me?”
“I said—”
“Hello!” a cheerful voice said. I glanced up to see the girl from the truck coming up behind Jay. She had to be his sister, with how alike they looked. Except she smiled at me, whereas Jay looked like he wanted to pour the honey over my head and push me into a bear cage.
“Hello,” I said back, in a much more cautious tone. Perhaps she only smiled when she wanted to lure someone into a false sense of security. I didn’t want to risk getting too comfortable.
“You wanted to buy a jar?”
I held up my twenty. The girl smiled at me and selected a jar that seemed rather small for the amount of money that I had given her, but I wouldn’t complain. “Here you go,” she said. “Please enjoy.”
“Uh, thanks,” I said.
I looked at Jay again, who had a smirk on his face. I got the sudden and hard to ignore feeling that they had cheated me out of some money. But perhaps we would stop glaring at each other and we could move on. That would be well worth twenty dollars.
I took my jar and walked back to the RV. Sam glanced up from his book, putting his finger between the pages to keep his place. He eyed the honey and then the people across the street. Jay’s sister had bent over the table so that she could talk to him, blocking me from seeing his face. “How much did you pay for that?” Sam asked, nodding to the jar in my hands.
“More than it was worth, I’m sure,” I said, lifting it up so that I could see the substance inside. I shrugged. “Oh well. Dad will enjoy cooking with it. He can’t have too much sugar anymore, and this is a nice cheat for him.”
Sam’s face tightened, as it always did at the mention of my father’s health. I think he worried about what would happen to me if my father died. I didn’t worry about it too much, because I already knew. I’d be so wrecked that college would become a distant dream, as would being happy.
I put the jar of honey inside and came back out to keep Sam from losing all the money that I should have been making.
He set his book down the moment I pulled my folding chair up to the table. “You could have just apologized, you know.”
I groaned and almost put my head down on the table. I didn’t, because that would have looked bad to potential customers. “Are you kidding?”
“I’m just saying that if you went over there and told him that you were sorry about yesterday and that you hoped the two of you could help each other, it might’ve gone a long way in mending some fences.”
“Why do I have to mend this fence?” I asked. “He could have said that yesterday, and instead he tried to drive me off and send me forty minutes out of my way so that he could have all the good customers.”
“You don’t know that,” Sam said.
“If that wasn’t his goal, then why was he trying so hard to get rid of me?”
“Maybe he’s just territorial. I kinda like that in a man, myself. Not territorial enough that I can’t flirt with whomever I like, but just enough that they’ll beat someone up at my word.”
I frowned.
“Yes, that’s one of the reasons that I liked you.”
“I wouldn’t beat someone up just because you asked me,” I said.
“Are you sure about that?” he asked, smirking and cocking his head. “Think about it for a second.”
There had been that time the waiter was rude to him and Sam asked me to take care of it. And at school, when someone had been mean, he’d glance at me and I’d bite their head off until no one would bother making fun of him anymore.
“And the light dawns,” he said.
“I don’t know how I should feel right now,” I muttered.
Sam shrugged. “You should feel flattered. You kept me from getting beat up more than once, and you made all of our dates interesting, if nothing else. But my point is, maybe he’s just territorial, and if you had extended some kindness, the two of you could be working together now, instead of wishing the other would get hit by the next truck that comes by.”
I sighed, heavily. “I bought some honey.”
“I’m sure that he appreciates it,” Sam said, opening his book again and reading the first line before saying, “You still should have apologized.”
“I should have made other friends in high school. I could have an antagonistic goth sitting next to me right now instead of you and it would be more fun.”
“Her makeup would melt, first of all, second of all, you would be bored without me. We both know it. Third of all, you should be thanking me for trying to get you to talk to the cute guy.”
“Cute? What?” I asked, turning to look sharply at Sam.
“Don’t act like you haven’t noticed,” Sam said, gesturing at Jay, who noticed and frowned. “Look
at him. He’s got shaggy blond locks and that kind of lean, mean body. You know that’s what I like.”
“I don’t look anything like that.”
“No, you’ve got some broody, buff thing going, and that’s nice too. Or maybe everyone looks nice right now, and I’m horny. Who the hell knows? Either way, you’re hot, he’s cute. Go make nice.”
“If you think he’s cute, you go make nice,” I said, before I could think better of it.
Sam just smiled. “I said he was cute. I didn’t say he was my type.”
Thankfully, the conversation dropped after that. Sam wouldn’t ever go for another guy in front of me, if he ever went for another guy in general. I didn’t want him to feel pushed into doing it, either. It would only hurt him in the long run if I tried making him do something he didn’t feel comfortable with.
Which was why he never really tried pushing me into telling my dad about my being gay. I really didn’t think Dad would care, but it always felt like we had something more important going on.
I decided to just push it all out of my head and focus on selling jerky.
Chapter Six
Jay
I blew lightly on the paper in front of me, making the eraser shavings fly off the table. I had hoped revealing the picture would make me like it better, but it had done little to satisfy me. With a sigh, I laid my head down. This wouldn’t work anyway. I was a dumbass.
“What’s wrong?” a tiny voice chirped beside me.
I cranked an eye open to see Dee standing there, having appeared out of thin air. She had her bunny clutched close as she leaned in to look at the picture trapped under my head.
“Nothing is wrong,” I lied.
Dee frowned at me. “You can tell me. You don’t have to pretend just cuz I’m little.”
I reached out to muss her hair. My sister giggled in that weird way she did, almost sounding like a hiss. Her eyes wrinkled.
I lifted my head up, glancing at the picture again. “I thought I could redesign the logo on my honey so people might want it more.”
“But your honey is yummy. Who wouldn’t want it?”
People who craved meat more… “It’s just a good idea to change things up once in a while. It can stay fresh that way.”
Dee looked at the picture again, her head tilted to the side as she examined it. “You can draw the bee on a roller coaster.”
“Uh… why?”
“Because he could look really happy and people would want to buy honey from happy bees.”
She had a point. Still, I didn’t think that design would mesh well with what I wanted. In all honesty, no new design would fix the problem. I had a jerk on the other side of the street selling actual snacks, and snacks would always win out over something you could buy at the store for half the price, and used maybe once a week. No matter how delicious my honey was, it couldn’t beat a better idea.
“We should head inside,” I said, feeling the heat of the garage. My portable AC didn’t work all that great, and I didn’t want Dee Dee outside for too long.
I picked her up and put her on my back to carry her in. She pretended to be a monkey, making little animal sounds in my ear as I carried her into the house. I saw that Mom and Dad had already left, so I only saw my brother and sister when I stepped into the house.
“No, I wanna stay,” Dee said when I went to put her down. “Carry me around.”
I was weak when it came to denying my sister, so I kept the monkey on my back.
“It’s a good look for you,” Beatrice said when I found her in the kitchen. Funny, since she didn’t even look up from her book. She also had a plate full of food she hadn’t even touched, and an unopened can of soda.
“Yeah, I was thinking about keeping her,” I said. “But I don’t know yet. Might trade her in for a younger model.”
Bea glanced up at our sister. “Did you set up your playhouse yet? I can help if you want.”
Dee Dee sighed, her head on my shoulder. “I didn’t get it.”
“What? I thought Mom and Dad picked it up.”
“Mommy said it was too much. She said I might get it for my birthday if I’m good.”
“What playhouse?” I asked.
Bea closed her book and set it down. “There was a new display at the store. It’s like a garden thing with a shop set up so you can pretend to sell flowers and veggies and stuff. It’s so cute.”
“And you wanted that, Dee?”
“Uh huh,” she said. “It was really pretty and the roof was pink and it came with carrot things. I love it.”
My stomach dropped as I stared at the floor, feeling like the shittiest brother in the world. How great would it have been if I could have gone down to the store and bought it for her as a surprise? I just didn’t make enough money to do things like that. So AJ had a skateboard from Goodwill, Bea read used books that fell apart, and Dee Dee couldn’t have a toy she wanted.
“Hey,” Bea said, tapping our sister on the leg. “How about you let Jay set you down and you go see what AJ’s up to? I have to talk to him for a sec.”
Dee squirmed out of my arms and landed on her feet. She gave me a hug before running off to the living room.
“What?” I asked.
With her foot, Bea pushed the chair out and gestured for me to sit down. Nothing felt worse than being in the tractor beam of Bea’s stare. She had a force to her that no one could go up against. When she was an adult and entered the world for real, it would shake in her presence. I looked forward to seeing it.
“Get that look off your face,” she demanded.
“What look?”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t pretend. I know you feel guilty about… everything. It’s not your job to buy toys for the kids. It’s not your job to do any of the million things you do, so would you please try not to feel bad about something you have no control over?”
“Uh, no.”
“Come on.”
“It’s my job as a big brother to spoil the kids. I never get to do that. I never get to just buy something I see them wanting. What if I never get to a place where I can do that?”
“Well fuck, I guess we won’t love you anymore then.”
My eyes narrowed. “I’m being serious.”
“You sacrifice plenty already. You don’t need to be buying stuff for AJ and Dee. They don’t need it, and they don’t think of you less for not providing it. Look at all the stuff you already gave up. How many weekends were you at home working instead of out with friends? You’ve never even been on a date. And to this day, you act like you didn’t totally have a shot with that waiter from Olive Garden.”
“He wasn’t into me!” I shouted.
I tried not to think about certain things. Being sad about things that couldn’t change would only waste my time. I hadn’t gotten to date or do much in the way of being a teenager. I had never minded it. My parents needed help after Dee Dee was born, and it was my job to step up and do what needed to be done. All the rest could wait for another time. What did I really miss out on by not dating? Heartbreak that I would have a hard time getting over? It didn’t seem all that appealing to me.
“That guy was nice to everyone,” I told Bea. “He was very attentive.”
“He was extra attentive to you. And he would stare like all the time. The guy thought you were adorable.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” No one ever found me adorable. If they had, then I would have known it.
Bea laughed at me. “He always gave you extra sauce and you didn’t have to ask. And you got more chocolate mints than anyone else. He was into you. Did you go for it? No, because you were too busy trying to help keep this family afloat, and you skipped out on your life. Which brings me to my next topic.”
Oh no. Beatrice had gone pale. Pale, if you didn’t count the bright red of her cheeks. Her knee bounced, her skirt shaking as it draped down to her ankles. I already didn’t like whatever she had to say.
“What?” I asked c
autiously.
“I… um, I got a job.”
“You have a job?”
Her lips pressed together, eyes aimed at the table. “You know my friend Claire? She works in that yogurt place right next to the store. She got me a job there. I’ll be making like twelve bucks an hour and I can work in the back. I told her yes when she offered.”
I wanted to throw up. A stupid reaction, but still… My buddy would be gone, and I’d be stuck shilling honey all on my own. No one to talk to, keep me company, or help.
“Oh, I’ll still do all the bee stuff,” she promised. “I actually have to go out tomorrow and collect the combs.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“But I like doing it. I took this job because you shouldn’t be the only one helping our parents. I can save up for a car and pay some bills. You can save some money for whatever you might want to save for.”
I tried to keep my expression blank. If she knew my plans, that would have been a whole different conversation, and one I didn’t want to have at the moment.
“I can pay you more,” I offered. “You shouldn’t have been doing it for as low a cut as you were getting.”
“I did barely anything, to be honest. It was mostly just hanging out with you.”
“So?”
She sighed, putting her hand on mine. “I already took the new job. I’m starting in a couple days. This is a good thing, Jay. We’ll have more money in the house.”
And my sister would start working and giving all her money away. I didn’t want that for her. I wanted her to get to go have fun while she was still sixteen, the way I didn’t get to.
I knew this would be a good thing. If I wanted to move out, my parents would lose a good chunk of the money they got every month. But to let all that fall onto my little sister broke my heart. I guess I hadn’t thought too much about that before this. I would be one less mouth to feed, and I would free up space in the house. That wouldn’t do as much as my income did.