by Nicole Thorn
“They’re all going to hate me,” AJ said. “They’ll hate me because I made you leave, and everyone loves you best.”
The words startled me like a slap. “What the hell are you talking about? I’m no one’s favorite.”
AJ stared at me like I was insane. “Really? The selfless hero who gave up all the fun he could have had, so he could work and pay bills? You don’t think that made Mom and Dad love you best?”
“They don’t have favorites. And I wasn’t trying to be a hero. I was trying to keep you kids fed.”
“Yeah, and they know that. They know that when you were my age, you were already out there trying to help. I can never live up to that. And now, you’re leaving, and they know it’s because of me. So not only am I not as good as you, but I made you go away. And then there’s Bea, who’s been trying not to cry for two days. Every time she gets home, the first thing she does is ask where you are. Dee talks about you constantly when you’re not here. And even the freaking dog sleeps outside your room when you’re gone.”
I didn’t know what to do with that information. I didn’t think I could believe the point of view of a thirteen-year-old all that much.
I always thought that everyone could do without me. I paid bills, but that didn’t make me fun. Bea could be fun. Everyone thought Dee was the cutest. AJ behaved exactly like my dad, and I knew he loved that. I didn’t feel like anything at all. The idea that my family even noticed me almost knocked the breath out of my chest.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “But there’s no way everyone is going to hate you when I move out. Bea’s going to move out too. Probably in the next few years. Then it’ll be your turn. This is just what happens when you get older.’
AJ’s frown cut deeply into his face. “Well, I hate that. I hate that we can’t all stay together. What happens when I can’t see you every day? What do I do with that?”
My eyes burned, because I’d thought about that too. I tried to stay in town, but what if Bea got into a school out of state? Or even out of the country? There could be a time where I only saw her once or twice a year. Or worse than that. We could become one of those families that only saw each other at the holidays. But life just worked that way sometimes. It hurt, but it happened.
“I don’t know,” I answered, my voice raspier than I’d hoped. “I really don’t know.”
AJ’s eyes turned glassy as he stared at me. I felt helpless in making the hurt go away. I wished I could have told him I would stay forever, but I couldn’t. I had to go, and I knew I had to go soon.
I stepped forward and put my arms around him. AJ held me tight, and I didn’t know how long we stayed like that.
Chapter Thirty-One
Hamilton
The two of us sat in the kitchen with plates and plates of food, waiting for Sam to come over. He decided that he wanted to be in on the food part of our business as well, not just sales. While Jay and I waited, we put the new labels on his jars of honey and my packages of jerky.
“Is it going to be weird?” he asked. “Having a bee on your packages?”
“There’s jerky too,” I said, indicating the ‘surfboard.’ “Besides if people ask us why we chose this for our logo, then we have a story to tell them, and as long as it’s outside of superhero movies, people love origin stories.” I set a package of jerky down. I’d been working on a new batch since the night before.
Dad came into the kitchen and looked at his table. He rubbed the back of his head. “You two didn’t stay up all night, did you?”
“No,” Jay and I said together.
Dad glanced between us; eyes narrowed. “You better not have. You two are going to work yourself into the ground at this rate. Then I won’t have a son or a son-in-law, and where will that leave me?”
Jay spluttered.
“Unable to embarrass me?” I asked.
“What a dreadful existence that would be,” Dad said and shuddered. He continued puttering around the kitchen while I assured Jay that he had been joking and that he didn’t think the two of us would be getting married soon. Jay looked both relieved and worried, as if my assurance didn’t help.
Dad came back over to us once he had gotten his coffee fixed up and peered down at the labels that we had been working on. He took a long sip of his coffee while checking out Jay’s work, much to my boyfriend’s discomfort. “Is there a reason that you chose a surfboard for Arizona?”
“You should have seen the others,” I said.
Dad lifted his eyebrow.
Jay’s face turned a dark shade of red. “A bee has legs!” he shouted. “It just makes sense for it to be the one anthropomorphized!”
Dad looked between the two of us. “I feel like I’m missing something.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said, setting aside the last package of jerky. “It won’t make any more sense if I explain it to you, and you wouldn’t want to hear it even if it did.”
“Good enough for me.” Dad said, taking another sip from his coffee. Purricane came into the room and stropped his legs while he watched the two of us work. I didn’t worry about it too much until he tried to knock a package of jerky onto the ground and Jay had to grab it.
While he scolded the cat, I smiled, and marveled that everything could feel so peaceful. It almost felt like we didn’t have a weird feud going on with a food truck that had fake Hawaiian cuisine, like Jay didn’t constantly worry about what his family thought of him leaving.
I liked that we could be that comfortable with each other.
Dad eventually had to leave for the shop. It was his turn to open, and they always opened early. As he left, I leaned over and kissed Jay. He jumped, clearly not expecting it, but then he leaned into me, as if he wanted to haul me to the floor. Our make-out sessions had been getting pretty intense lately, with more and more clothing coming off. I didn’t have to worry about that happening right there, though.
We would never compromise all the food.
Jay pulled away first, breathing hard. “What was that for?”
I shrugged. “It felt nice.”
“The kiss or something else?”
“The three of us talking,” I said, leaning back in my chair. My spine crackled like it hadn’t moved in hours. “It’s been a while since Dad and I had anyone else to talk to in the morning.”
Jay smiled at me. “Yeah, it’s nice waking up here. It’s… calm.” He looked guilty the second the word left his mouth.
“Not too quiet in your house?” I guessed.
He looked reluctant to say anything, but ultimately shrugged. “Not really, no. It’s not their fault, though. There are so many of us. How are six people supposed to be quiet?”
“You’re not doing anything wrong by saying that you like it being quiet at my house,” I told him. “It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your family. And they’ll forgive you for leaving, faster than you think. You just surprised them is all, and people hate these kinds of surprises.”
Jay fiddled with the lid to one of his jars. The look of guilt hadn’t left his eyes. “I’m mostly moving out because I think my brother deserves his own room.”
“I know,” I said.
“And partially because then my parents won’t have to pay for all my things the way they do now,” he continued.
“I know,” I said again.
“But… I like not waking up to chaos.” He winced as he said it. “Most mornings are fun. I play with Dee Dee before she either goes to school or I leave to work. Bea and I usually talk some. AJ doesn’t do much, I admit, but he’s a teenager. He doesn’t want to hang out with his lame family. Then Mom and Dad make breakfast, and everything feels fine. I like that.”
“But?” I said, knowing that there would be a but.
He stared down at his table. “But, I wake up here and don’t have to fight three other people for the shower. I don’t have to watch where I walk, lest I step on Legos. I sound horrible, talking about all these petty things as if my family isn’t the
best. Never mind.” He shoved his hands through his hair, making it stand on end.
I reached over and fixed it, while saying, “You don’t sound horrible. You’ve just reached your breaking point, and you need something to change. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
He glanced at me from around my arm. “Huh?”
“You’ve been working since you were strong enough to pull a wagon. Since before Dee Dee was born.”
“When I found out Mom was pregnant, that’s when I started trying to make more money. We were already pretty tight.”
“You’ve been working for years, giving all the money to your family, because you’re a good son. You would do anything for them, and no one doubts that. But if you need a change, no one can fault you for that, either. I reached my breaking point when Dad had his heart attack.”
Jay didn’t say anything, probably because I didn’t usually talk about this stuff out of a college context. I continued. “Our house felt different after Mom died,” I said. “Dad felt different after she died. It makes sense, really. The two of them had been together for so long, and they had me late, so it must have felt like losing part of himself. He didn’t know what to do with me without my mother there to complete our family dynamic.
“We still talked, but it felt shallower, you know? Like neither of us really knew what to do with the other one. It wasn’t that we had a bad relationship and only my mother could fix it, or anything like that. I just don’t think we knew how to interact without her in the room. It would have been the same if Dad died and Mom lived.
“And then Dad had his heart attack. He was in the shop at the time, and his business partner called nine-one-one. It was the summer before senior year, so I was at home, not doing too much.” I had mostly been flirting with Sam over text, but I didn’t want to say that to Jay.
“When did you find out?” Jay asked.
“About three hours after the ambulance had taken him away,” I said.
Jay sucked in a hard breath.
“No one thought to call me. I’m not angry with them for that now, I suppose. At the time, I did a lot of screaming. I couldn’t believe that they would forget that he had a son. Eventually, his partner realized that I was at home, and he came by to tell me what happened.
“At first, I was too scared to feel anything else. I’d already lost my mother, and I didn’t know what would happen if my father died too. I didn’t want to go through the whole funeral process again, dealing with people that act like they’re sympathetic but really just want as much of your money as they can possibly get. Getting my mother’s funeral arranged is one of the most disgusting memories that I have.”
“Your dad didn’t do it on his own?” Jay asked.
I shook my head. “He was too broken. He knew that he had to do it all, but without me there, he didn’t seem to have the will to actually go through the motions. So, I had to be there. I know that it’s unlikely, but I hope you never have to deal with a funeral home. They’re vultures.
“But anyway, after I got home that night, after visiting Dad and finding out that he had to have surgery, I got really mad. My father had given up after Mom died, and to me, it felt like he was trying to die along with her. It felt like I wasn’t enough.”
“You know that’s not true,” Jay said immediately.
I smiled at him. “Of course. I even knew it then, but the fear was greater than my ability to reason at the time. Dad feels guilty about the money, but I honestly don’t care about it. For the first two weeks, I switched from being terrified that I’d be alone to being angry that he had gotten sick at all. So, when the doctor told Dad what kind of diet he would be on, I took note of it.
“And the first day that he got home, my father threw out the menu and I hit my breaking point. We had a huge fight and didn’t speak for almost three days. Which felt even worse, after everything else that happened.”
“Why would your dad throw out the menu?” Jay asked.
“I think it was a combination of not wanting to go on without my mother and habit. You’d be surprised how hard it is for people to change their habits, even when something like this happens. Either way, the fight did the trick. Dad got his shit together, and things improved. My point to this whole sordid tale being, you’ve reached your breaking point. With me, the fight with my dad worked out. He started eating healthier, he exercises, and the two of us actually talk every now and then.
“If you get into a huge blowout fight with your family, there is no guaranteeing how it will end. I don’t think any of you will ever go more than a day without talking, but it could change things. You don’t want that to happen.”
“No,” Jay agreed, still fiddling with the lid of his honey jar. “They’re all upset with me, though.”
“And that sucks, but if you need to leave, then you need to leave.” I started putting the packages of jerky into the cooler. “They’ll get used to the idea soon. I doubt they’d even be this upset if it hadn’t come out the way that it had.”
Jay rolled his eyes. “You’re saying that I should have sat them down and talked with them about the whole thing?”
“Yes,” I said, looking up at him. “Wasn’t that obvious?”
He shoved my shoulder, but I just continued to smile. We resumed working, putting everything away, except for the new recipes that we wanted to try out and the handful of dishes that we needed Sam to try.
Speaking of whom…
The doorbell rang three times in a row. I only knew one person who would make that much noise just because they could. Jay started making room for Sam as I left to let him in.
I stopped, staring at him. “Um.”
“Hey,” Sam said, pushing past me, unaware of my surprise. He had cut his unruly hair to about half an inch long. It looked neat and tidy. That combined with his button-down yellow shirt and black jeans surprised me. Not since the day I had met him had Sam looked this put together.
I closed the door as he bustled into the kitchen. I heard a choking noise that I assumed came from Jay. When I got in there, he stared at Sam with his mouth hanging slightly open, his eyes bugging out of his head, and a box of honey forgotten in his hands. I took the box before it could fall to the floor.
“Are these the new products?” Sam asked.
“Yes. Why do you look like that?” Jay said.
Sam looked up, then realization dawned. He rocked back on his heels, holding his hands out. “Well, I was thinking that until we get shirts that have the logo on them, we should all look like employees, right? And since we’re kind of a honey themed business, what better colors than yellow and black. I know, I know, the black will suck in the sun, but it’s not like we can wear white pants. That’d look stupid, right? Even though I probably am dashing enough to pull it off.”
“And you cut your hair, because…?”
“Oh!” He touched his head, having clearly forgotten about that as well. “Because there are entire parts of the day where our best customers are older people. They don’t like it when you look unruly, so if I give myself a crisp look, they’ll be more likely to stop and ask about our products.”
“Right,” I said.
Jay continued to frown. “There is a flaw in this logic.”
“What?” Sam asked, looking panicked for a second.
“I don’t own a yellow button down or black jeans. And I don’t think Hammy does either.”
“I don’t.”
“Oh, I’ve bought you guys some,” Sam said. “They’re in the car. I meant to bring them in, since I assumed you wouldn’t be stripping on the side of the road. You’re both lame like that. I’ll bring them in before we have to leave. Are these the new recipes?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Why do you think we’ve agreed to the outfit you’re wearing?”
Sam sat down and picked up one of the new cakes that we had made the day before. He stuffed the whole thing into his mouth, and I didn’t know if he would answer me or choke to death first. He swallowed i
t and gave a thumb’s up. “They’re going to love this. You’ve got more cookies, right?”
“In the box,” Jay replied, gesturing to one of the many boxes that we owned.
“Good. As for your question, Ham, it’s simple. If we all wear similar uniforms, people will see us as more of a business than they do now. They’ll take us more seriously, they’ll know who to talk to, and they’ll trust us more because of all that. This is only for a few weeks, since I’m hoping that we’ll have the shirts in soon. Right?” He looked hopefully at Jay, who turned to me.
I shrugged and said, “He’s got an excellent point.”
Jay nodded. “I’ll be able to get the shirts soon. I just have to make the logo big enough to stretch without getting pixelated.”
“Awesome,” Sam said, hitting the table with his hands. He picked up a steak sandwich and stuffed it into his mouth. “Mmm. This one is good,” he said through his mouthful. “This one will sell insanely well.”
Jay smirked, shaking his head in amusement. We tried the rest of the recipes. Some, we all agreed would be duds even if we liked them. We had to consider what a person would be willing to buy off guys on the side of the road, and one of the biggest factors was portability. If someone couldn’t easily take the food back to their car to eat, they would be less likely to buy it. Several things got crossed off the list because of this.
When we knew everything that we would be selling, we packed it up and left the house, only about thirty minutes later than we normally would have. And yet, when we got to our spot, we saw Helen and Stanley already there.
I cursed. Jay cursed more.
We pulled in, and I immediately got out of the RV, so that I could try and see what they had gotten up to.
“They’ve got a ham and egg sandwich for breakfast,” Jay grumbled, glaring at them. For their part, Helen raised her hand and waved at us. Some of their customers glanced over, but most of them remained entirely focused on their food.