by Vivien Brown
lipstick. Maybe he hadn’t even spotted it himself, but the speed of his reaction said it all.
‘Who is she, Josh?’
‘Who?’
‘The woman who was here, drinking wine? And very recently, I would assume, unless
your washing up habits really are that bad. Oh, please tell me it wasn’t last night, that you
weren’t about to have sex with me in a bed that’s still warm from the previous occupant. When
did she leave, Josh? This morning? Must have been early, because I’d been outside quite a
while before I came in and I didn’t see anyone go.’
‘Eve. Don’t.’ He put the glasses down again and held on fast to both of my hands. ‘She
was nobody. Nobody, okay? Just someone I had a drink with. Someone from work. But she
didn’t stay the night. Honestly. And, even if she had, you surely couldn’t blame me. You didn’t expect me to live like a monk, did you? We were over. Me and Sarah. Me and you. I had
nothing left. Nobody . . .’
‘What’s her name?
‘God, Eve, you’re sounding like Sarah now. Like a bloody wife. It doesn’t matter who
she is, or what her name is. It’s none of your business.’
‘Yes, I get that now.’ I was trying to do up my buttons so I could leave with a shred of
dignity, but I’d got one in the wrong hole, and the water building up in my eyes wasn’t helping.
I couldn’t see a thing through the mist. ‘So, all this wanting to see me, to talk to me, what was that all about? I thought you wanted me back, Josh. Stupid fool that I am, I thought we might .
. .’
‘We still can!’
He was still talking, pleading, but I didn’t hear the rest. I picked up my bag and ran, out
of the bedroom, down the stairs and out of the flat, into the street, slamming the door behind
me. As I burst out, all dishevelled and with tears running down my face, I don’t know who was
more startled. Sarah and Janey, as I bumped right into them halfway up the path, or me.
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CHAPTER 30
SARAH
I’d found Janey being sick again that Sunday morning, and something about her pale face, how
quiet she had been lately, her rebellious sullen moods, started to ring a very worrying bell.
Thoughts I really didn’t want to have flew into my head. No, she couldn’t be. Surely not? She
was fourteen. Still at school. She had never been with a boy . . . But how did I know that? How did I know what she had been doing? I couldn’t watch her twenty-four hours a day. All the
afternoons she was late back from school, that time she’d lied about being with her dad, staying overnight at her friend Becky’s . . . I should have taken more interest, made sure I knew where she was, talked to her about contraception. There were so many places kids could find to have
sex if they really wanted to. In the park? In alleyways? Cars? God, I should know. I’d done it
myself when I was not much older than she was.
I tried to quash all the questions and recriminations that were bouncing around in my
brain. Facts first. I led Janey back to her bed and sat down, heavily, on the edge. ‘Janey. Tell me if I’m wrong. Oh, please let me be wrong.’ I grasped her hand and tried my best to adopt
an understanding, caring face rather than that of the angry, spitting-feathers mother tiger that I could feel myself turning into. ‘But you couldn’t be pregnant, could you?’
She couldn’t look me in the eyes. No words came out. She just nodded her head, very
slightly, and burst into tears.
‘Are you sure?’ I suddenly felt like crying myself. This couldn’t be happening. Not to
my baby girl. ‘You’ve done a test?’
She nodded again, leaning into me as if she was hoping I would cuddle her up, wave a
magic wand and miraculously make everything all right.
‘And does anyone else know?’ I have no idea why that should matter, but it did. I
wanted her to come to me first, to talk to me first, about anything, everything, especially
something as big as this. ‘Your dad?’
‘No!’ She sat bolt upright and shook her head. ‘I don’t want Dad to know. He’ll hate
me.’
‘He could never hate you.’ I pulled her back towards me, feeling her small body shaking
against mine. ‘But, as for the boy, whoever he is, I don’t think Dad will be too pleased with
him.’
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‘Don’t tell him. Please. Can’t we just . . . not tell Dad at all?’
I couldn’t think straight. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Janey. He has to know.’ We sat in silence
as I waited for my thumping heart to return to some semblance of normal. I had been here
before. Me a teenager. Me thinking I might be pregnant. Me being way too scared to tell
anybody. And now it was happening all over again, but at least Janey had taken that first step
and confided in me. Everything felt unreal, as if I was watching the scene play out in a film
and not here in my own home. ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t know what to say or what to do right
now. It will be okay though. We’ll sort this out somehow, I promise. But just give me a few
minutes to think, eh?’
I left her half sitting, half lying on her bed, and went downstairs. There was a half-
empty bottle of gin in the cabinet. Not something I would ever normally drink, and left over
from when Josh’s parents had last been down, but I needed a drink and it was the only alcohol
in the house, so it would have to do.
Two large glasses later, I went back upstairs. Facts. I needed facts. My feelings of panic
and shock had to be pushed aside if I was to be of any real help to my daughter. ‘Right. Tell
me everything. How far gone do you think you are? Who was it that got you in this condition?
And what do you want to do about it? In any order you like, but we’re not leaving this room
until you give me answers.’ Oh my God, I sounded so heartless, so bloody practical, but it was
either that or crumple in a heap, and how was that going to help?
She didn’t tell me, of course. Well, the two months gone part was easy enough, as my
quick mental calculations led me straight back to that night when she’d lied about being with
her dad. Where had she really been? But the rest just drew a blank. She wasn’t going to tell me who the father was, and as for any kind of plan, she clearly didn’t have one. It was going to
have to be up to me to decide what to do or at least to present her with options, none of which were going to be easy.
‘This happened to you, didn’t it?’ she said. ‘But you lost the baby. My big brother or
sister. I heard Gran and Granddad once, talking about it. How being pregnant so young had
ruined your chances, made you marry Dad.’
‘Well, you shouldn’t have been listening. It wasn’t like that. I was older. Sixteen. I’m
not sure I had any real chances to ruin back then. And I loved your dad. Nobody made me do
anything I didn’t want to.’
‘And how do you know I don’t love my baby’s dad too?’
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‘Oh, Janey. You’re fourteen. You don’t know anything about life or being in love.
You’re hardly more than a baby yourself.’
‘See? That’s what grown-ups always say. That we’re too young to know what we’re
doing, or what we’re feeling. We’re only kids, and kids know nothing. If you and dad hadn’t
split up . . .’
‘So, you’re saying it’s our fault? We sent you off the rails, did we? When all we’ve
tried to
do, both of us, is protect you, make the whole separation thing as easy for you as we
could, show you how much we both love you . . .’
‘It wasn’t enough, Mum.’ She was crying again, letting slow tears roll down her face
unchecked. ‘Nothing’s felt the same since Dad left. We don’t feel like a proper family
anymore.’
‘And this boyfriend of yours, whoever he is, filled the gap your dad left in your life, did
he? By pushing himself inside you and making a baby you’re not ready, or able, or mature
enough, to look after?’
‘It wasn’t like that. He . . . he made me feel special. And he will help me and stand by
me. I know he will.’
‘Have you told him?’
‘Not yet.’
‘But you want to? You really think he’ll want to be a father, do you? Clap his hands
with joy and rush you down to Mothercare to choose a pram?’
‘He might.’
‘And he might just as likely turn his back on you, pretend it’s not his, want nothing to
do with it. And you’re underage. The police might have to get involved, but they probably
won’t even prosecute him, if he’s a kid himself, so what is that going to achieve? Just more
upset. No, I am beginning to think the best thing you can do is not tell him. Not tell anyone.
We can find a clinic, say you’ve got a tummy bug for a few days, then have you back at school
in no time. All done, put behind you, forgotten. Nobody else need ever know.’
‘No.’
‘What do you mean, no?’
‘I don’t want to get rid of it. I want to keep it.’
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, Janey, be realistic. Who do you think will end up looking after
it? Getting up in the night, changing nappies, making up bottles, while you’re at school? Me,
that’s who. And I don’t want that. Not at this point in my life. I’ve only just found my freedom, 241
got my own life back. It’ll need eighteen years of time and attention. It’s a baby, not a bloody doll!’
‘Well, I’m not having an abortion, and you can’t make me.’
‘Then let’s go and see what your precious father has to say, shall we? Because I can’t
cope with this. Not now. Not on my own.’
***
Eve flew out of the door like a bat out of hell. A bat in a hurry, with her blouse half undone.
She didn’t stop, didn’t speak, just pushed past us and ran off down the road, climbing into her car which was parked a few yards away, not all that far from mine. I don’t know why I hadn’t
spotted it when I’d parked. Having my mind on other more important things, I supposed. But
suddenly this was important too. What was Eve doing at Josh’s? And why was she leaving in
such a hurry? There could only be one explanation. They were seeing each other again.
Sleeping together again, despite all her worthless assurances, and she’d seen us through the
window and was trying to get out unseen before we arrived. I couldn’t imagine any other reason
why she’d be in such a rush, so obviously upset, partially undressed, and so unwilling to stop
and say hello once she’d been rumbled.
Josh opened the door before we’d rung the bell and looked, momentarily, surprised to
see us.
‘Expecting someone else, Josh?’ I said, sarcastically. ‘I think the person you’re looking
for may have just driven away.’ I was aware of Janey, looking up at the two of us, clearly
confused.
‘Why was Auntie Eve in there? She was supposed to wait . . . She’s told you, hasn’t
she?’
‘Told me what?’ Josh was looking down the road at Eve’s retreating car, not properly
listening, but I was.
‘Told him . . . ? Oh no, she knows, doesn’t she?’ It shouldn’t really matter but suddenly
it did. It really did. I grabbed Janey by the shoulders and turned her to face me. ‘You told Eve before me?’
‘What the hell’s going on here?’ Josh pulled us apart and beckoned us in. ‘Come inside,
both of you, before the neighbours come out and start taking bloody pictures.’
I’d had enough. Not only had Eve thrown herself at my husband – again – but my own
daughter had decided to confide in her. This huge secret that was weighing me down like a lead
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block, wasn’t a secret at all. Bloody Auntie Eve had got there before me. Was there nothing my sister wouldn’t take from me?
I rushed in and went straight to the bedroom. The covers were rumpled, there were two
wine glasses, and the undeniable smell of her perfume . . .
‘How could you?’ He and Janey had followed me up the stairs and were standing right
behind me. My hand flew up and swiped angrily across Josh’s face. If he hadn’t turned away
as quickly as he did, I would have had his eye out.
‘How could I what? You come in here, shouting like a mad woman, chucking your fists
about. That’s domestic violence, you know. I could have the law on you for that. In front of
Janey too.’ He turned his attention to his daughter then, standing stock still in the doorway, her face even paler than it had been earlier, and lowered his voice. ‘Sorry, Janey. But what is it
Eve’s meant to have told me? And why are you raiding my bedroom? What are you here for
anyway?’ He had one hand on Janey’s shoulder but he was still close enough for me to hit him
again if I chose to. ‘Hang on, Sarah, have you been drinking? I can smell it on you. You have!
Did you drive here? With our daughter in the car? For fuck’s sake, what were you thinking?
You could have killed someone.’
‘Well, I didn’t, but I’m seriously considering it now. I just can’t decide whether to kill
you first, or my treacherous, lying sister.’
‘Hang on! You think that Eve and me . . . No, no, you’ve got it all wrong. We didn’t—
’
‘As if I’m going to believe that. All the evidence is staring me right in the face. Which
brings me to why we’re here. Something else I should have spotted sooner, but didn’t. What
sort of a mother does that make me, eh? Well, it’s your problem now, Josh. You’re the perfect
parent, the chosen one, so you sort it out. I’m going.’
‘No, Mum. Don’t!’ Janey pleaded.
‘I don’t know what’s going on here, but whatever it is I’m not letting you drive.’ He
snatched at my bag and pulled out my car keys, stuffing them in his trouser pocket.
‘Suit yourself. I’ll walk.’ And I strode out, head high, making sure I slammed the front
door even louder than Eve had. By the time I got to Dad’s, half an hour later, and after dashing straight to his toilet to empty my gin-fuelled fit-to-burst bladder, I found I had just about calmed down enough to tell him everything without bursting into tears.
***
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Josh came after me later. Of course he did. Janey had somehow found the words to tell him she was pregnant and there was no way he was going to let that lie without storming into Dad’s
and demanding answers.
‘How did you know where I was?’
‘Where else would you be? You weren’t at home. I’ve dropped Janey off there, with
strict instructions she’s not to go out or to go anywhere near this boy, whoever he is, until we get back. And I was pretty damn sure you wouldn’t have gone within a mile of Eve, unless you
really do intend to kill her. So you had to be here. You can’t hide away from this, Sarah. Our
girl’s in trouble and we need to talk about
it. All three of us. Now!’
I could feel Dad hovering, knew how much he wanted to help, but that he couldn’t. This
wasn’t something we could resolve over a pot of tea.
‘Did you come in your car, or mine?’
‘Yours. I figured you wouldn’t be up to coming back to collect it from my place. Come
on, let’s go. I can get back home on the bus later or call a taxi, but I think we need to talk, don’t you?’
I pecked Dad on the cheek, followed Josh out to my car and climbed in the passenger
side. He was right, I had been drinking, and this wasn’t the time to argue about that.
‘Who is he? Do you know?’ Josh turned on me as soon as we were out of sight of the
house.
‘I don’t know. I did wonder if it might be that boy Samuel, her friend Becky’s brother.
She’s spent a lot of time there lately, and he’s been driving her home, but she’s hardly
mentioned him otherwise, so I might be way off the mark.’
‘Well, she wouldn’t, would she? Mention him. Not if she didn’t want us to know about
him, the little oik. I’ll twist his bloody bollocks off if he’s been anywhere near her.’
‘Bit late for that. The deed’s been done.’
‘Too right it has. And where were you when this was going on? I thought when I left
her with you that you’d look after her. Properly.’
‘Left her with me? You make her sound like a package. She’s my daughter. She belongs
with me.’
‘And some role model you were. Like mother, like daughter, that’s what I say.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘You know exactly what I mean.’
‘Pregnant in my teens? Well, that took two, Josh. I didn’t do it by myself.’
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‘No, you didn’t. But it should have taught you something, shouldn’t it?’ He was yelling again, his hands tight on the steering wheel. ‘God, if I could go back, I wouldn’t do the same
again, I can tell you. I rue the day I ever looked at you, let alone got you up the duff. How
different my life could have been.’
‘You could have married Eve instead.’ I almost spat the words at him. ‘And lived