by Marla Meyers
As she hung up the phone and got back in her car, she knew Becka would be a little angry with her on Monday for not filling her in about Joshua on the phone. But…for now, she wanted it to be her own little secret her own little fantasy.
Marissa found herself watching the clock all afternoon, wanting very much to share another kiss with him hopeful it wouldn’t stop there. She knew it was kind of crazy, but she felt herself fantasizing all day about him making love to her. Her desire for this young man was strong. His kiss was a temptation for what was sure to come.
She waited, feeling uneasy, a little ashamed, and very anxious about seeing him again tonight.
Chapter 7
As darkness neared, Marissa found herself primping more than usual. Touching up her makeup, a spray of perfume and a quick swallow of mouthwash completed her preparation. She looked at herself in the mirror, questioning her quest for the evening.
What was she doing, she wondered. Definitely following her heart, or hormones and not her head.
Just once she wanted to do something wild, risky. Live out a fantasy. And, with a younger man! Becka would probably be proud of her, she thought, as she pulled her jacket from the closet. As she put it on, she glanced over at the shotgun resting up against the arm of the couch. For an instance, she considered taking it. Things would seem different at night. But, how could she live out her fantasy, expect passion if she was packing a gun?
Butterflies danced in her stomach, as she opened the screen door and headed out to the barn. She shined her flashlight down to the ground in front of her, careful to avoid the fresh cow patties. A movement in front of her sent her heart racing and caused her to step backward about three steps. Only an armadillo. She kept walking towards the barn. As she walked, she wondered if Joshua would let her know more about him tonight. However, his reasons for being here were growing less and less important in Marissa’s mind. He was here for her…tonight.
It was straight up seven o’clock when she opened the barn door and shined the flashlight around. “Joshua,” she whispered. “Are you here?”
No response. She waited.
She sat down on the bale of hay where they had sat earlier. She continually shined the flashlight all around her.
At about two minutes after seven, by her watch, she heard the weeds rustling outside of the barn. Her heart raced here he is.
The barn door creaked open and Joshua walked in. He carried no flashlight, Marissa noticed, only daisies. The flowers, unwrapped and loose, were dangling from his left hand.
“Hello Marissa,” he said, as he walked into the barn, closing the door only partially.
“Hi Joshua,” she said softly, trying not to sound too nervous.
He walked over and sat beside her on the bale of hay. For a few seconds they both just sat there in silence. Then he reached up and touched her hair tenderly with his right hand, still clutching the daisies in his left. Again, Marissa felt her body responding to his touch. Still in the same pair of overalls, he removed his hand from her hair and turned to face her. With the flashlight shining at the ground, Marissa could barely see the outline of his face. His dark, soft curls pushed back away from his face displayed his youthfulness, but he did not possess the facial expressions of a boy, but of a man. He seemed older than his outward appearance.
Both still sitting on the bale of hay and facing each other, he stared into her eyes, saying, “I want you to see something.”
“What?” Marissa asked, expecting him to have, instead, kissed her at that moment.
“I have something to show you. Please trust me.”
“Joshua I want to trust you. Please help me to do that. Why are you here? Can you explain to me? It would help me.”
He seemed in deep thought, as if deciding whether to reveal himself to her. After a few seconds, he looked into her eyes, almost as if he was looking into her mind, Marissa thought, as she felt his hand lifting her to her feet. He began speaking softly. “Marissa,” he began. “I come here every night because someone asks me to, someone sad. Someone that needs my help.”
“Who?” Marissa asked alarmed.
“Remember. It is she who is innocent pure of heart. She will shine with purpose. She is to be protected at all costs.”
“Who? My God! What are you talking about?” Marissa asked, becoming frightened. Cult! Maybe she was right. Oh God. She began backing away from him.
Sensing her fear, he grabbed her arms firmly, stared into her eyes, saying, “Marissa trust me…I will show you.”
And, he headed out the barn.
“Joshua!” she pleaded, no longer whispering. “Don’t walk out on me again! I don’t understand! I am scared!!”
She headed towards the door, almost running. Something was wrong. This was not the way she had envisioned things. She bumped into Joshua on her way out. He grabbed her arms, causing her to gasp slightly.
“Please stay, Marissa,” he begged, for the first time his face filled with emotion. “Let me show you something. Trust me.”
Unsure why, she allowed him to guide her back to the haystack and gently lift her onto it. Whether it was trust or fear. She didn’t know. She just sat there.
He gently stroked her hair, as if to try and comfort her, then without offering any further explanation, he walked over to the coffee can filled with wilted daisies from the night before. He removed them and tossed them aside. Then he looked over at Marissa for a couple of seconds before placing the fresh daisies in the coffee can. He carefully arranged them, then stepped back.
"Trust me,” he pleaded again, his face now filled with longing for her trust.
Marissa sat still waiting. as a light began to form where she had seen it the other night. It was a radiant glow, a brilliant display of color, and not sure what she was seeing, she softly spoke, “Joshua ” without ever taking her eyes from the glow.
Still unsure what she was seeing, she could only speak his name again. “Joshua.”
She kept her eyes on the glow, watching it take form slowly, but with brilliant color, almost bursting with energy. Beams seemed to be shooting in every direction. She never looked away, as she watched the light take form…the form of a child.
As the image developed, she saw a beautiful little girl, with flowing blonde hair. Clothed in a faded, navy and red dress, she was barefooted. She carried a basket of flowers of daisies, in one hand. Her other hand was reaching out…and she was crying.
Marissa’s first reaction was to go to her…to hold her. The child looked so desperate and afraid. But, it was as if she wasn’t there. The child was the glowing light. Marissa, not remembering when she got up, was now standing, with her hands over her mouth, tears pouring down her cheeks. The impulse to go to the child was overwhelming. She found herself reaching out to her. She could not take her eyes off the child, not even to look at Joshua, who was also staring at the image with sad eyes himself.
Marissa felt her knees weakening, still not taking her eyes off the child. She heard herself speaking softly,
“Don’t cry…my precious don’t cry…” as she herself
sobbed. She darted towards the child. It was as if she was being pulled towards her. She wanted to hold her, to comfort her. But, it was as if her legs were disappearing from underneath her. She felt sweat pouring from her brow and her vision becoming blurry. As she reached for the child, she could almost touch her, as her body gave way to her own physical breakdown.
When Marissa awoke and opened her eyes, she was laying on Mamma’s bed. She didn’t know how much time had lapsed. Knowing she must have fainted, she assumed Joshua must have carried her into the house. Where was he now, she wondered, as she sat up. The lamp next to the bed was on. She slowly got up and wandered around the house saying his name aloud… “Joshua…’’ over and over. No answer.
She felt weak. Longing to understand what she had seen, she continued to search each room. She ran upstairs. Nothing. She looked out the windows. Again, he had disappeared.
&nbs
p; She sat down at the kitchen table after pouring herself a glass of wine from the bottle she had gotten for her and Becka. She wished Becka were here, now. What had she seen? Her mind felt cluttered. The night certainly had not progressed the way she had anticipated. Frustrated that she couldn’t seem to think clearly, she began to walk around the house aimlessly, clutching her glass of wine as she walked. The more she drank, the more confused, yet relaxed she became.
She could not, however, shake from her mind the image of the little girl, reaching to her. So beautiful but, so sad. So many questions raced through her mind. Why was she crying? Who was she? What was she? She needed answers.
Sitting down on the couch, she thought of Joshua. All day she had assumed they would make love, into the night all weekend! Boy, was she off, she thought. What had she seen? She kept questioning herself over and over.
A ghost? She had always said she believed in ghosts but, that was when someone else was seeing them. Ironically, she found herself having doubts about what she herself had seen with her own eyes.
Nearing intoxication and feeling weaker than ever, she walked back into Mamma’s bedroom, collapsing on the bed. Her eyes were heavy and the ceiling seemed to be dancing circles above her head. Trying desperately to close
her eyes and sleep there was no chance. Her head was too full of thoughts of Joshua and the little girl. She glanced over at Mamma’s nightstand, and considered, only momentarily, about turning off the light. Taking a second look, she noticed Mamma’s sleeping pills, still sitting on the nightstand next to her journals. Yes…she had to sleep. Her head was spinning.
After taking two of the pills, her eyes became too heavy to fight the need to sleep. Her last thoughts before falling into a deep sleep were of the little girl. Why? Why?
Later into the night, not knowing how long she had been asleep, Marissa awoke, starded. Not sure what had woke her up, she tried to focus, starting to sit up, when she felt a hand on her shoulder gendy push her back down. Too weak to tell her brain to resist, she laid back down to find herself looking into Joshua’s dark eyes. As her eyes left his, she scanned his body to nodce that he was completely naked.
“Explain…Joshua please,” she pleaded, as he climbed on top of her. Her mind was going blank. Her body was reacting to his every touch.
“Joshua…” she tried again, but his lips drew tight on hers, sending a sensation through her body that was not to be fought. She wanted answers. She needed answers. But, she could not bring herself to stop his caresses.
Touching her as he undressed her, she felt her body responding in a way it never had. His kisses were long and passionate, then he would briefly stop and stare into her eyes. She stared back, her eyes pleading with his for answers. He said nothing, but instead made love to her in a way that she had never before experienced.
“I love you, Marissa,” she heard him whisper. It should have sounded strange, but it felt so natural. She found herself wanting to respond, to tell him that for some unknown reason that she loved him also, but his lips were tight on hers again, giving her no chance to respond.
Afterwards, they lay still, holding each other. Marissa thought to herself, tomorrow. Yes…tomorrow, he will explain everything to me. Feeling comfort with that thought, her head lying on his chest, she closed her eyes as he stroked her hair softly. Never before had she felt so safe, so loved. There was a bond that she could not explain. She decided not to try, but to go with it. There was something special happening here. Not sure what. But, it was special.
“Joshua ” she said, pausing, “tomorrow…” she started to say, when he reached down and gendy put his finger to her lips motioning silence, and said, “Yes, Marissa, tomorrow.”
Feeling her eyes again growing heavy, she allowed herself to fall asleep in Joshua’s arms, knowing that tomorrow would provide answers. Tonight she wanted him to keep holding her close stroking her hair, as she closed her eyes.
Chapter 8
It had not been daylight long when Marissa awoke.
Slowly opening her eyes and remembering Joshua, she quickly rolled over in bed, surprised and disappointed to find herself alone. Sitting up and trying to gather her thoughts, she felt weak. She lay back down. She couldn’t seem to think clearly. Her mind was sluggish. She felt drunk, and knowing she didn’t have enough to drink last night to make her still feel drunk this morning, she tried again to concentrate, to decipher her thoughts.
As she did, she felt panicked as she looked down and saw that she was completely dressed. She knew she didn’t get dressed after she made love with Joshua. Could he have dressed her? Feeling desperate to understand her own confusion, she reached down and clutched her pink sweater, as if to make sure she were really wearing it.
She looked over at the nightstand and saw the sleeping pills. She remembered taking two. Oh God! She felt sick. Could she have dreamed about she and Joshua? Was it a combination of too much wine mixed with the sleeping pills? Wanting to believe it wasn’t true, she couldn’t understand how she got dressed.
Wanting further proof, she got up and checked the doors and window. All were locked from the inside.
“No!” she yelled aloud. She refused to believe that she had created something so wonderful in her mind that it wasn’t real. It did happen, she told herself as she slowly showered, searching for any sign that she and Joshua had made love.
Her thoughts unresolved, she dressed and sat on the bed. The house was quiet, as Marissa sat staring blankly at Mamma’s antique dresser. Pictures of all the children and grandchildren filled the top.
“Mamma?” she said, softly aloud, wishing desperately that she were there.
Her eyes filled with water, as she looked at the picture of Mamma and Daddy, much younger, sitting on the front steps of the house when they first bought it. They looked so happy. Still feeling weak, she walked over to the picture, picked it up and held it close to her chest. Clinging to it, she let the tears flow. How she longed to have Mamma hold her in her arms right now.
Sitting back down on the bed, she could reach the dresser, and she gendy placed the picture back in its place. She scanned the pictures again, her eyes drying, but burning from the tears that had just been there. She opened the top drawer of Mamma’s dresser. She was quite the pack rat, Marissa thought, smiling to herself. Mamma’s Rosary, pictures of the family and various newspaper clippings were scattered throughout the drawers. Mamma’s whole life was in that drawer.
As she rummaged through the drawer, she came across her father’s obituary among the news clippings. It was yellowed from age, but still in one piece. She read it and placed it back in the drawer. She scanned through many a picture in the drawer, before closing it and laying her head back on the bed. She glanced over at the nightstand and seeing the bottle of sleeping pills again made her think about last night. Mamma’s journal was sitting on the nightstand. She picked it up and turned back to Jan. 19th, the day Mamma had died.
As she had previously seen, there was no inscription on that day…so, she kept flipping backwards, wanting to find Mamma’s last words. So strange, she thought. Mamma had always written in that journal, for as long as she could remember. She started thinking about what Mr. Hinkle had said maybe she had felt bad for a while.
Then she recognized Mamma’s writing. January 12th. Mamma’s inscription read:
“Met a very special person today in the barn. Her name is Andrea. Joshua explained everything to me. I will call Marissa tonight and see if she can come for the weekend. Everything will work out. “
Marissa’s heart raced. Mamma had met Joshua before she died. She searched her mind, trying to recall Mamma’s phone call to her about that weekend. Yes…sadly, she remembered. Mamma had called and she was anxious for her to come for a visit. Marissa had a wedding to go to that weekend in Houston, but promised her Mother that she would come soon. Not soon enough, Marissa knew, feeling ashamed. Mamma had died before she made time in her busy schedule to come. How she hated herself for missing that w
eekend with Mamma.
She flipped back another page, and continued going backwards, reading each inscription:
Jan. 11th - Met with Joshua today in the barn. Planted daisies around the barn. Must talk to Father Tearney again.
Jan. 10th - Went to the market. Had lunch with Grade. Talked with Joshua this evening.
Jan. 9th - Met a man in the barn. His name is Joshua.
Marissa continued to flip backwards in the journal. Jan. 9th was the first mention of Joshua. Prior to that day, Mamma’s journal entries were routine. So…Mamma had met Joshua, Marissa thought to herself before saying aloud, “Mamma, why did you stop writing in the journal? What did Joshua tell you? Help me. Who is Andrea?” almost yelling now and tossing the journal recklessly back on the night- stand, she stood up.
She began rummaging aimlessly through each drawer in the antique dresser, unsure what she was looking for. As she carelessly let items drop all over the floor, her emotions were getting the best of her. Becoming more anxious, she was going through drawers faster and faster. There had to be something, she thought. Mamma kept everything. There had to be some clue about Joshua and Andrea.
When each drawer was completely empty, Marissa sat on the bed, crying, and looking down at the floor, at the mess she had made of Mamma’s most personal things. News clippings, rosaries, pictures Paul and she had colored as children all in a mess on the floor. She looked again at Mamma and Daddy’s picture on top of the dresser. She didn’t know how long she sat staring at the picture. Then she slowly began picking up Mamma’s things off the floor.
She retrieved a box from the den, then began placing the contents of the dresser in the box. When the mess on the floor had been placed in the box, she gently began packing the pictures that lined the top of the dresser. Among the pictures was Mamma’s music box. Marissa didn’t know where Mamma had gotten the little box, just that she had always had it. Marissa opened the little mauve colored box, all trimmed in pink. As she did, it played, Are you Sleeping?