Could Have Been Us

by Corinne Michaels

  I burst out into laughter. We squirm on the floor, and I grab whatever flour and God knows what on the floor, tossing it at him.

  After a second of fighting, he gets ahold of my arms and pins me. I shiver at the feel of his lips at my ear. “I love you. I love you both, and I’ll do whatever I can to make this okay.”

  I turn my head the best I can to get a glimpse of his face. “I know. I trust you.”

  Kinsley walks over, hands on her hips as she stares down at us with a smile. “I guess we’re not having waffles.”

  “No, I think we all had something much better—fun.” I smile and extend my hand for her to help me up. When she does, I pull her down, and we laugh again, rolling around in the mess, and I know this memory will carry me through all that’s to come.

  Chapter 38

  Jack

  I hold Stella’s hand as we sit in the house, watching Samuel and Kinsley reunite.

  I thought I knew pain before.

  I thought I understood loss, struggle, sacrifice.

  I knew fucking nothing.

  Stella’s arm shakes, contradicting the look of joy that hasn’t left her face. There are other tells. The way her eyes crinkle just at the edges. How her smile is too tight—too practiced.

  She’s dying inside.

  Hell, I am too.

  “I can’t thank you both enough,” Samuel says, and we both stand.

  “It wasn’t any trouble.” Stella releases my hand, clasping both in front of her. “If anything, I feel like Jack and I should thank you. We got . . . we got time with her.”

  I clear my throat, swallowing the emotions threatening to choke me. “You’ve done an amazing job with her. She’s really a great kid.”

  Samuel looks at us, his eyes saying much more than the words. “I’m sorry. I know this can’t be easy for you.”

  Stella shakes her head. “Please don’t. Please don’t say that. It’s hard, but I’m not sorry. Thank you for calling me for help. Jack and I both aren’t sorry.”

  “She’s right, and while I hate to bring this up now, I’m not sure I’ll ever get the chance again.” I force myself to say more. “Stella and I would like to be here for you both if you need us or even if you want us around. We’d like to know Kinsley and talk to her.” Stella’s brown eyes find mine, and I can see the tears brimming. “None of us need to decide anything today, but . . .”

  “You and Stella are always welcome, Jack. Misty and I promised you’d get letters, and if Kinsley wanted more, we’d discuss that. The gift you gave us, well, we cherished it. Maybe after a few days, we’ll talk and come up with a plan that works for everyone?” He looks toward Kinsley’s room. She went in there right away to unpack so she could help Samuel with whatever he needs. “I have a lot of things to do over the next few days, and I need to get to a meeting tomorrow.”

  “We understand,” I assure him.

  And I do, but I can’t stop the constant tearing of my heart.

  “There’s just so much to think about. I have an interview lined up—I don’t know if I told you.”

  “You hadn’t. That’s great.” The words feel thick in my throat.

  Stella smiles. “What’s the job?”

  Samuel’s leg bounces as he talks. “It’s just construction, I was the foreman before, but since I got let go for drinking on the job, I’m doubtful I’ll get anything like that again, but this one is a good starting point. It’s a good company.”

  He failed to mention that’s why he got fired, but . . .

  “We both wish you luck,” I say, meaning every word. Kinsley needs Samuel, and he needs to work to provide for her. Not that Stella and I haven’t already decided to help in some way as well.

  “And if you need anything, please call us,” Stella emphasizes.

  I get to my feet, feeling the dread starting to weigh me down. It’s almost time. The conversation is leading to us going, and we have to leave her.

  There is no more denying or avoiding it. Stella and I will get into our car and return to Willow Creek without Kinsley—again.

  I turn away, running my fingers through my hair, working to get myself under control. I have to say goodbye to her. This time, she’s not a tiny baby I can pretend isn’t mine. She’s grown, smart, funny, beautiful, witty, and I can’t fucking keep her.

  I have to drive away, leaving her behind, and . . .

  Stella’s hand touches my shoulder. “Jack?” Her voice is soft, full of understanding about the battle raging inside me. When I turn, she’s blurry, and I realize that I’m about to lose it. She moves her fingers to my face. “Not now. Please, not yet. If you . . . I can’t.”

  I inhale deeply and wipe away the tears. I have to be strong for Stella and for Kinsley. She’s so happy to be home that I don’t want to taint that with having her see Stella and I fall apart. I want her to remember how happy she makes us and know we loved her. We loved her with a force that has allowed us to let her go yet another time.

  When I exhale, I let it all go and erect whatever walls I can around my emotions so that I can get through this.

  “We should go home.” My voice quivers.

  I can see the war raging within Stella. She wants to go, to get this over with so we can start to figure out this new version of our lives, but she also wants to stay. If we can be here, we have her still, it’s not over.

  But it is.

  It’s over, and I need to get the hell away from this before those walls I built crumble around us.

  Stella hiccups. “Right. We should.”

  Samuel blows out a hard breath. “Okay. I’ll get Kinsley and give you guys some space. I need to call my sponsor.”

  A small whimper comes from Stella, but she turns her back and starts to pace. After a second, she straightens her spine and pushes her shoulders back. This woman is a warrior, and she’s ready to battle even though she knows she’ll take many blows during the fight.

  Kinsley enters. “You guys are leaving?”

  “Yeah, kid, we have to get on the road.”

  She looks down. “Right. It’s a long drive. I understand.”

  I dread the hours in the car with nothing to do but think.

  “Are you all settled in?” Stella asks.

  “I think so.” Kinsley moves farther into the room, looking from me to Stella. “Can you stay for dinner? Or maybe we can watch the last episode of the show? I bet she doesn’t get the answer right and leaves.”

  Stella shakes her head. “I don’t think so. You have a lot to do, and Samuel needs some time with you.”

  Kinsley’s voice quivers as she speaks quickly. “Will I see you guys again?”

  This. This is going to be our undoing. If she cries, I am not going to be able to hold it together.

  Stella steps closer, and her hand goes to Kinsley’s face. “I don’t know what to say. I keep trying to come up with something that will express how I feel, but I can’t. So, I’m going to say the truth and hope it’s enough.” Kinsley’s eyes fill with tears, and I see the crack in her for the first time. “I am beyond honored that you are my daughter. Every minute that I got to spend with you is something I will cherish. Your dad is going to talk to you, and if you want me . . . us . . . we want you to know that we’re here. We will always be here. I love you, Kinsley. More than I will ever be able to tell you. I hope we get to see each other. I hope that you want to know me and Jack. I just . . . I hope.”

  Her lips quiver, and then she wraps her arms around Stella. The two of them embrace, both crying, and I turn away, my chest tight as my own tears fall.

  I’m angry at the world that’s forcing Stella and me to have to go through this again.

  I’m sad because I didn’t want to know Kinsley. I didn’t want to see her as the beautiful girl she is. If she had stayed a baby in my mind, I could’ve pretended.

  Ignorance gave me bliss, and now it’s gone.

  “No more tears,” Stella says, and I turn as Stella wipes away Kinsley’s tears. “We have t
o be strong and show the guys how to handle it.”

  Kinsley tries to laugh, but it sounds more like a sob. My mask is in place as I move to her.

  “The last thirty days have been some of the best in my life,” I confess.

  Her fingers swipe under her eyes. “I want to see you again. I would like it if we maybe talked and saw each other.”

  “There’s nothing I’d like more than being in your life, kid.”

  All these years, I fought against the idea of it, and now I can’t imagine a world where I don’t get to know Kinsley.

  “Is it sad that I don’t know when I’ll see you again? Is it wrong that I’m crying because I can’t have it all?” Kinsley asks.

  Stella, who is no longer trying to contain the tears, grips her hands. “No, not wrong. No matter what happens, we had a month, and I’ll always hold it close to my heart.”

  I cup my daughter’s cheek and wink. “If your dad says it’s okay, we’ll make a plan that works for everyone, okay?”

  Kinsley nods, and we see the first break of a smile on her face. “Yes. Okay!”

  My hand goes to Stella’s back, and we head to the front door. When we get there, I feel paralyzed. I have to open it, walk away, leave her behind, and manage to drive back home.

  I turn, watching Kinsley as she wraps her arms around herself and watches me right back.

  The ache in my chest grows, but I somehow find the strength to pull the door open.

  “Jack?” Kinsley’s voice causes me to stop. “I’m going to miss you,” she says before she moves forward, and I pull her to me. I hold on to her, wishing that I could keep her with me forever but knowing that it’s not an option.

  Not only because she’s legally someone else’s but also because it’s not the best thing for her.

  This is her home.

  Samuel is her father.

  We let go, and after she steps back, I see Samuel standing in the doorway, turmoil heavy in his features.

  Please take care of my little girl.

  Samuel nods as if he understands.

  With that, I take Stella’s hand and lead her outside, our hearts left behind once more.

  Chapter 39

  Stella

  Silence is a terrible thing.

  It doesn’t allow for the numbness to seep in. It screams in its nothingness. Four hours have passed without a word between us.

  Tears have been shed.

  Glances have been cast, but not a word.

  What’s there to say anyway?

  There is no solace in words because the actions have brought us to this.

  When the Great Smokey Mountains start to rise on the horizon, suddenly it feels like I can’t breathe.

  My hand goes to my chest because the pain is going through my limbs like fire, burning as it moves. Oh, God. I can’t do this.

  I can’t go back home.

  I can’t go to that house. See where she slept. The kitchen where we laughed. The living room where we watched shows.

  I try to breathe, but I can’t. Each inhale is harder than the last, and I start to shake. The edges of my vision go blurry.

  “Stella! Stella, look at me!” I hear Jack, but I just keep trying to pull in air. “Damn it, Stella!” I turn my head, not by choice but because he’s gripping my face. “That’s it, baby. Look into my eyes. Breathe.” I try, I swear I do, but my lungs won’t cooperate. Jack’s eyes bore into mine, and his voice is calm. “Inhale.” Forcing myself to listen, I suck in a breath. “Good, now let it out slowly.”

  The air pushes out, but I suck it back in again quickly.

  His gaze doesn’t falter. “Again. Inhale, but try to control it.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You can. Just look at me. Only me, Stella.”

  He’s blurry, but there. Jack is here, and I keep reminding myself of that. He won’t let me fall. He won’t let me break. I have to be strong. I inhale like he said, and this time it’s a little easier.

  “Good.” His voice is soothing. “You’re okay. I’m right here.”

  I nod as the tears fall. “I can’t go home,” I croak the words out.

  “Then we won’t.” His thumbs rub my cheeks as he presses his forehead to mine. “We’ll go back to my place and work through it there.”

  My surroundings start to come back into focus. Jack pulled over into some parking lot on the side of the road, but I don’t care where we are. The emotions of the day are just too much. I’ve used every ounce of strength I had to get through leaving Kinsley, and I’m all tapped out. I start to cry again. Ugly, loud sobs come out, and Jack just holds me.

  He whispers soothing words that I don’t hear. The overwhelmingness of it all crashes around me.

  After who knows how long, I settle down enough for Jack to ease back, but he doesn’t let me go completely.

  I’m being selfish. He’s lost as much as I have. We are both dealing with the same thing, and I’m requiring him to be the strong one again. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “For falling apart. It seems I’m forever making you be the one to hold it together.”

  Jack still doesn’t let go of me. “If you think you don’t give me strength when I need it, then you’re wrong. There are times when I’m weak and you are the only thing that makes me want to pick myself up.”

  “And now? When you’ve lost our daughter the same as I have.”

  Jack sighs, allowing his hands to drop. “We haven’t lost her, Stella. She’s still there, alive, and well, I have to hold on to that.”

  “I know, and . . . I’ve told myself over and over. But now, going back home, where she’s hours away, it feels wrong.”

  “It does, but it’s what we decided twelve years ago, and it’s what we have to deal with now.”

  He’s right. Hell, he warned me over a week ago. I just deluded myself into thinking I would accept it when the time came.

  I’m not accepting it. I’m being ridiculous.

  I pull down the visor mirror, feeling like more of an ass when I get a glimpse of my reflection. I fix my hair, wipe under my eyes, and fan at my face. I am red, puffy, and look like shit, but I resolve to pull it together.

  Jack watches me, and when I turn, prepared to say I’m okay, he pushes back a lock of hair that was plastered to my face, tucking it behind my ear.

  “You okay?”

  “No, but I have you and that makes me better.”

  He smiles. “Better is good.”

  “Better is . . . better.”

  “We’ll keep getting better.”

  I slide my hand into his. “Together we will.”

  “We’ll go back to my place, stay there a few days, and figure it out.”

  “Okay.” I don’t have the strength to argue anyway. “What about Oliver?”

  “He’s already moving his stuff over to your place.”

  I chuckle softly, thinking of my poor brother, shuffling back and forth because he would do anything for me. I close my eyes, focusing on the feel of Jack’s hand in mine.

  “I love you, Jack.”

  “I love you too.”

  And I know he does. In the depths of my soul, I believe we can survive as long as I have him beside me.

  Oliver did his best to clean up, but the cabin is still a mess. Not that I care. I feel the way this room looks . . . haggard.

  “Do you want anything to eat?”

  “Do we know if there’s anything here?” I ask with a raised brow. “We should remember who has been staying here while you were with me.”

  “Goldilocks your brother is not.”

  I try to smile, but I don’t know what it looks like. “No, he’s not.”

  “Well, how about we see what we have and then go soak.”

  I sigh through my nose and nod. “Okay.”

  I’m doing a really shitty job of keeping it together. I wish I had the emotional capacity to care, but I don’t. The truth is, I left part of my heart in Georgia today, and the
new rhythm is off balance.

  We enter the kitchen and find some cheese in the fridge, so I grab the crackers from the cabinet. Tomorrow, we’ll need food, but for tonight, this will be perfect.

  Jack and I toss it onto a plate, giving zero fucks about how it looks. When we get to the back deck where the hot tub sits on, he turns on the jets.

  The sound is loud as the bubbles come to life. I stare at them, thinking of how I feel the same. The air forcing the water to move the way it doesn’t want to. I’m not sure how long I stare before I feel Jack behind me.

  “Let me help you,” he says softly. His hands move to my cardigan, pulling it down my shoulders and then arms. I’ve kept it wrapped around me, clinging to it as though it could hold my broken bits in place.

  There’s nothing sexual about him undressing me. It’s careful and measured. Each item gets folded and placed on the chair.

  I’m standing here in my bra and underwear, looking at the bubbling water. Jack must’ve removed his clothes because I feel his hand at my back.

  “Come on, Stella. Let’s go in.”

  He’s completely naked as he climbs the stairs, which snaps me out of my daze.

  I remove my bra and slide my underwear down before hurrying to get in because shivers are starting to run through me.

  I sink down into the hot water. Once I’m covered up to my chest, my teeth start to chatter.

  What is wrong with me? I’m falling apart, and I’m not that girl.

  I’m the one who handles whatever life throws because there’s no other choice, not the one who can’t think of anything other than the incredible pain in her chest.

  Jack is watching me with a look of concern on his face. He’s dealing with the same thing and being so strong. I hate that once again, I’m doing this to him. I’m asking him to shoulder all of it. My pain. His pain. The insurmountable amount of anger and frustration with the situation in general.

  When I move through the water toward him, he opens his arms so I can nestle against him. Here is where I’m safe. Where I can believe that it’ll be okay because I have this amazing man by my side.