by Anna Martin
I nodded and reached up to cup his cheek. “I love you,” I said sincerely.
“Love you too,” he murmured, turning his face and planting a kiss on my palm. “Sorry.”
“That’s okay. He’s ancient history.”
“I should have trusted you—” Will started, but I cut him off.
“Will,” I said seriously. “It’s done. Gone. I don’t want to even think about him anymore, okay?”
He nodded. “Okay.”
The next day, Will had a full day of video conferences planned, so he let me use his car to get to Ben, who lived farther upstate. Will would be back in Atlanta the next day, so he could pick up anything he needed on his way.
I liked driving the sporty little car Will’s company was paying for. It was different from a big, lumbering truck, and I could push it to good speed on the freeway.
For the first time in months, I sang along to the radio as I drove across the state, feeling lighter than I had in a long time. I couldn’t quite put my finger on exactly why. It was a combination of being able to get out of my self-imposed isolation and hang out with someone new and fun, and having made peace with my mother’s memory.
It was definitely edging into fall. The leaves were turning, even if it still seemed freakishly warm for the time of year. Kids were already back at school in our county, had been for weeks.
I used the GPS to navigate to Ben’s house. I was familiar with the area, but not familiar enough to find his street without help. It was a small place, about the same sort of size as our yellow house, neat, looking like it had been restored. His skill with a hammer and saw made me think he’d done it himself.
When I’d crossed into his county, I’d called Ben to let him know I was close, and his garage door was open, as promised. After locking the car, I stepped out into the fuzzy heat and made long strides toward his workspace.
“Jesse?” he called out as I approached.
“Yeah.”
“Come on in.”
I stuck my head around the door and grinned at him. “Hey.”
“Hi,” he said with a laugh, apparently pleased to see me. “How’s it going?”
“Good,” I said.
“Come here, I want to show you something.”
I followed him through the workshop; he’d done a good job of transforming the simple garage space into somewhere that was a fully functioning carpentry shop. There were half-finished pieces on every surface, although I sensed there was some underlying order I couldn’t quite grasp.
“Here,” Ben said. “I finished this last night. Stayed up ’til almost three in the morning because I couldn’t bear to go to bed until it was done.”
It was a wide dresser, two drawers at the top with cupboards underneath. Around the outside he’d carved vines, twisting up and around the drawers.
“Wow,” I said.
“It still needs to be varnished,” Ben said nervously. “And I need to fix the decals. I’m not happy with it yet.”
“No, it’s amazing,” I said. “I can’t imagine how much skill it takes to make something like that.”
He shrugged off the compliment. “It’s a hobby.”
“What are you going to do with it when you’re done?” I asked. “Sell it?”
“Maybe. Yeah. Probably. Not sure yet.”
I laughed and punched his arm. “Come on.”
Ben laughed too. “I know. I find it really hard to sell stuff. Not because I’m attached to it or anything, but I never know how much to ask. People tell me I undercut myself, but I can’t ever put ridiculous prices on it.”
“How much would you sell this for?”
He shrugged. “A couple hundred, maybe?”
“Are you serious?”
“All right, maybe eighty bucks.”
“No, I meant you could get at least four, maybe five hundred for something like this,” I said.
“No, I couldn’t.”
“You can,” I said, laughing. “I promise.”
“Well… it’s not done yet,” he said, steering me round to show me something else. “That rocker is nearly done. Getting the balance right has been a bitch, I’ll tell you.”
“It’s gorgeous.”
I ran my hand over the smooth wood, exploring the grain. It was clearly a labor of love. I couldn’t imagine putting this much time and effort into something that was “just a hobby.”
Ben showed me his space, enthusiasm lighting his face as he explained the different tools, the few he’d inherited from his grandfather, who had taught him the basics of carpentry as a child, and other, more recent acquisitions.
“You should quit your day job. Do this full-time,” I said, unable to stop touching the delicate spindles he’d made for a stool.
“Nah. Then it becomes something I have to do instead of something I want to do. I like coming home to this. It just wipes away whatever shit I’ve had to deal with at work during the day.”
I nodded. “Yeah. That makes sense. And if you can make some money off it too….”
“That’s a bonus,” he said, finishing the sentence.
I grinned. “Exactly.”
“You want to go somewhere?” he offered. “Or we could just hang out here for a while. I’ve got beers if you want one.”
“A beer sounds great.”
“Awesome.”
When he smiled at me, I couldn’t help but smile back.
The next time I saw Ben, he’d made the trip over to me so I didn’t have to do all the driving again. Plus, I couldn’t really take my dad or sister’s trucks too far in case they needed them.
It felt weird, inviting him into the house I shared with Will, and we didn’t linger before heading out for lunch at one of the chain restaurants that offered a good midweek deal. I was getting short on personal cash, and even though I had access to our joint account, I didn’t like taking much out of there. It was mostly Will’s account.
I wasn’t sure if I had gained a reputation all over town as the local homosexual, or if the hostess was just weird, but we got a look from her when we walked in.
“That’s why I fucking hate it down here,” Ben whispered to me as we were led to a table. “Fucking homophobes.”
He gave her a charming grin, though, when she handed us menus.
“Why don’t you move?” I asked. “Find somewhere more liberal.”
Ben sighed and picked at the ragged edge of the menu. “I don’t know. I could. I have a cousin that lives in Philly. She’s been saying for years I should move there.”
“What’s stopping you?”
He muttered something under his breath.
“Huh?”
“It’s fucking cold up North, all right? I’m not built for the chill.”
His skin was bronze and smooth as brandy butter. I laughed at him. “Pussy.”
“Ew. No thanks.”
We ordered drinks, then sandwich plates, then leaned back in our chairs and sipped good sweet tea. Ben put extra sugar in his, something Will always chastised me about so I’d gotten out of the habit. I liked my tea sweet.
“It’s much easier to meet… people,” I said, hedging my bets on his hornier side. “People who have similar interests to you.”
“Pssh. I get laid plenty. Just ’cause y’all have to call in a third….”
“Hey,” I protested. “Will and I like to explore the whole sexual buffet. Not just nibble at the edges.”
“Is that so?”
“Mm,” I drawled.
Ben gave me an inquisitive stare. “Y’all are kinky.”
I snorted. “Yeah.”
“Like….”
“Yeah,” I repeated emphatically, cutting him off before he started naming sexual acts in the middle of a restaurant in the middle of the day.
Our food turned up, giving us a chance to fuss, making room on the table for the plates and top-ups of tea. Ben had gone quiet, and I wondered if I’d said the wrong thing.
“This is good,” he said a
fter a minute, poking at his towering club sandwich.
“Yeah. Did I make things awkward?”
“Not at all. I’m just wondering if I should have got more out of our ‘one time only.’”
I shrugged. “Maybe. It was fun, though.”
“Have you guys been with someone since me?”
“No. We don’t do it all that often, Ben. It’s just something different, you know, every now and then.”
He was quiet again for a moment. “It would be hot, though.”
“Ben. Please don’t go there. It worked the first time because we didn’t know you. If we did it again, it would be weird. We don’t play with anyone we know for that reason.”
“Play?” He had a funny look on his face. “It’s a game to you?”
I’d never been challenged on my sexual exploits before. It was one of the reasons why one-night stands worked so well. We never had to explain.
“In a way, yeah,” I said, as gently as I could. I picked at my chicken BLT, shredding the crust of the bread.
For a minute, I thought he was going to say something else. Then he shrugged and asked about my sister.
I let it go. We’d been nothing but honest with him throughout the whole experience, and it wasn’t my fault if he’d gotten the wrong end of the stick. I asked him about his college football team, something I’d learned he was fairly passionate about, and it was like our previous conversation was forgotten.
I still wasn’t confident it was over. Ben didn’t look particularly happy, and his smile seemed more forced than usual. We split the check, as we usually did, and he held the door for me as we walked back to the cars. He’d parked right next to me.
“I should get going,” I said. “Sorry to cut this short. I’ve got work to do this afternoon.”
Ben nodded. “Me too. I’ll catch up with you again next week, though?”
“Yeah.” I grinned at him. “For sure.
I frowned as Ben looked around, checking for anyone else in the parking lot. Then, for one horrifying moment, the world stopped as he leaned in and brushed his soft, dry lips over mine.
I froze.
This was no deterrent. Ben continued to kiss me gently, seemingly uncaring that I wasn’t responding to his advances. In a detached way, I decided he was a nice kisser. But of course, I already knew that.
“I can’t do this,” I said, pulling back sharply, pushing him away.
“Hm?”
“I’m sorry.” What was I apologizing for? “I can’t do this to Will.”
“Will’s in Atlanta. Come on, Jesse,” he said, his voice hard, annoyed. “You know what’s going on here.”
“What’s going on here?” I echoed.
“You told me yourself Will is the first guy you were with. You’re conditioned to think you’ll stay with him forever, even when the reality is there’s someone better out there for you.”
“I don’t think so.”
“No? We’re the same sort of person. We’re both Southerners. We grew up in this homophobic armpit of the country. I know what you went through—I was there too. We’re not like Will. There was no middle-class acceptance in my house.”
“My dad doesn’t care,” I said. “That’s not the point, though. Will’s my partner. I love him.”
“Yeah? Why are you here, then?”
“You’re right. I should go. I’m sorry, Ben. I didn’t mean to lead you on, if that’s what I’ve been doing. I should go.”
I’d said that already, and the look on his face only convinced me to do it quicker. I forced myself not to run away from him and hopped into my dad’s car, which was parked a few spaces over. I was out of the lot and on the highway before I noticed I hadn’t even put my seat belt on.
Because my heart was pounding so hard, I pulled over to the side of the road and leaned back in the seat. There was a bottle of water next to me, and I drained it quickly and took some deep breaths, trying to calm down. Then I buckled up and drove the rest of the way home.
As I drove down our road, I noticed Will’s car was already parked outside the house. He must have left work early. I shook my head, feeling like the worst person in the world.
It didn’t take long to drop the car at my dad’s and walk back up the street. Will was wearing boxers and a tank top, sitting on the couch with the TV on.
“Hi,” he said as I let myself in, looking up over his shoulder and grinning at me.
“Hi. You’re home early.”
“Mm. They released me sooner than I expected. Were you with Ben?”
It felt like an accusation, a punch to my stomach. “Yeah.”
“Jesse?” Will frowned. “You okay?”
I knew all along I was going to tell him about it. I could have hidden it, pretended nothing had happened, that Ben and I had just grown apart. He’d know, though, in that all-sensing way he had about him.
“Not really,” I said and sat on the side chair rather than the couch next to him. Will quickly shifted round to face me.
“Did something happen with Ben?”
“You could say that.” I forced myself to look up at him. I couldn’t hide. I wasn’t a coward. “He kissed me.”
“Oh.”
Silence.
“I’m sorry, Will.”
“Did he hurt you?”
I shook my head. “No. I just left.”
Will looked away, and I could almost see the pressure building inside him until it broke loose.
“Fucking hell!” he yelled. “This is bullshit.”
“Will, I—”
“No,” he said, interrupting. “No. You don’t get to speak right now.”
For a terrifying minute, I wondered if this was the beginning of the end. If one of us had finally done something totally unforgiveable. Then he came over and crouched in front of me, bracing his arms on the chair either side of my legs.
“Did you want him to kiss you?” he demanded.
“No.”
“Good. He’s not having you, Jesse. I would go to the ends of the Earth to keep you safe and mine. If he thinks he can take you that easily, he’s got it very, very wrong.”
“He can’t take me. I don’t want to go.”
He nodded. “Good.”
“Are you mad at me?”
I hated myself for asking, but his reactions weren’t exactly what I’d been expecting.
Will nodded tightly. “Yeah. A bit.”
“I probably deserve that.”
“I’m a lot madder at him, though. He knows we’re together. He’s been trying to get this for weeks, and I let him… I should have….”
I slid from the chair to the floor and tentatively took his arms, wrapping them around my neck. I pulled him close to my chest and hung on.
“I just wanted a friend,” I whispered, the confession feeling hollow and painful and ridiculously childish at the same time.
“I know,” he said. “That’s why I didn’t try and stop you seeing him. Even though I knew he wanted you.”
“Then why didn’t you say something?” I asked.
Will shook his head. “I’m not going to be the asshole who gets between you and your friend.”
“I’m sorry,” I said again, the unavoidable truth that I had done something wrong coloring my thoughts.
“Don’t be. Don’t apologize anymore.”
I nodded and took deep breaths, calming us both down while his fingers played with my hair. I wasn’t sure what happened next.
Will surprised me, though, as he so often did.
“Kiss me like he kissed you,” he said.
“What? Really?”
“Yeah. I want to know.”
It was a weird request, but if he needed that… well. There wasn’t much I wouldn’t do for him.
I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, held them there for two seconds, not moving, then sat back again. I didn’t even close my eyes.
Will blinked. “Was that it?”
“Yeah.” I nodded.
/>
He gave me an odd sort of smile. This time, he leaned into me, caught my jaw between his fingertips and kissed me back. When he kissed me, I didn’t care about throat infections and antibiotics and arguments. We both needed this.
I knew this kiss. It was his “I own you” kiss. Most of the time he used it when we were playing together, and I was tied up, unable to move, unable to protest or do anything other than kiss him back. It was also his “I love you” kiss. Will never said those words in a session. He’d told me once he didn’t want me to think his love for me was conditional on my submission—the two things were interlocked, but separate.
This was not a two-second lips-closed kiss in a parking lot. It was my partner showing me everything he felt.
For long minutes, we stayed like that, kneeling on the floor while we explored each other’s skin with roaming hands, tugging at clothes while our mouths did all the work of exchanging words and love and adoration.
Will broke away first, his breathing a little rough.
“That,” he said, “is how you should be kissed.”
I couldn’t agree more.
Chapter 20
Things changed after The Kiss. I was suddenly more insecure, more nervous than I’d been in a long time. Will was furious—not that he told me this, but I could tell. He wouldn’t let me know, wouldn’t tell me outright how much it had upset him.
We tiptoed around each other for a few days, glossing over the things that hurt while we both threw ourselves at our jobs.
“What are you working on?” Will asked, sitting next to me on the couch. I automatically minimized the desktop windows I had open.
“Just some stuff,” I said.
It was more work for Serena. She’d given me a huge pile of spreadsheets to organize, which was normally one of my favorite tasks, but they were in one hell of a mess. I was partly frustrated, partly loving the challenge of untangling and fixing it all.
Will gave a tiny, annoyed huff. “Is it work for the museum?”
“Yeah… just a few documents.” I closed the laptop and turned to face him, plastering a smile on my face. “You want to go do something?”
“No. I didn’t mean to interrupt you.” He stalked off to the kitchen. After a moment, I followed him.