I was done with this intervention, so I stood to let them know I wanted them out. "I have some numbers to crunch. So, you can all leave now."
They all took the not-so-subtle hint, and stood one by one, leaving my office. Only Ryan stalled by the doorway. “Seriously, Carter, don't throw yourself down a flight of stairs or fake an injury. It's tantamount to lying, and you don't want to start a relationship like that.”
I was going to call him out on that since he’d had a fake marriage and was now married with a baby on the way. But I had to consider he was speaking from experience since there'd been a time before they were married that things had gone seriously south between them.
My only answer to him was a curt nod. But when the door shut, I couldn't help but wonder what would happen if I could have Jess living in my house where I'd be able to woo her 24/7.
14
Jess
My clients always went through several phases during physical therapy. Usually on the first day, there was optimism about getting welcome back to normal, but within a few minutes, they usually became surly and grumpy as they realized their limitations were severe, and how long their recovery would take. Many worried that their recovery wouldn't be a hundred percent.
The next phase was filled with determination to reach their goals and beyond. That determination often alternated with a sense of despair that their efforts weren't paying off. Eventually as some tasks became easier and they grew stronger, they’d enter the next phase in which they felt like they could do more than what they actually could. I'd been in that phase with Alex for a little while now, doing my best to encourage and push him, while at the same time restraining him from doing something that would reinjure his back.
But now I could see that he was approaching fully recovered. He would always need to be careful, as the back could be easily reinjured. But it wasn't long now before he wouldn't need me. In fact, it was possible I could reduce my time with him to just a day or two a week.
In some ways, that was good because it would allow me to take on another client in my transition from working with Alex to working with somebody else. And it would also reduce the chance of my running into Carter. I needed to stay away from him, but just thinking about not seeing him again wasn't easy to bear. It was inevitable that eventually he would find out about Tanner because I knew things like that happened. Secrets always came out eventually. Someday Tanner would be asking about his father, and one day he would be old enough to go looking for him on his own. They would both be livid with me when they found out I had denied them the chance of knowing each other. But I still couldn't wrap my brain around how I was going to have that discussion.
But it wasn’t time for me to ponder that. I had a client to focus on.
Alex had worked hard today, and instead of his usual exhaustion, he was more energized.
"I want to go in the water," he said as he gulped from the large glass of water his housekeeper had left on the terrace for us.
"You're not ready for surfing, Alex."
He shook his head. "I just want to swim."
I nodded, because in fact swimming was a good exercise for him at this point. The water offered support and yet resistance for a workout that included the entirety of his core.
He grinned at me like a schoolboy. "Thank you, mother."
He hurried, as much as was safe for him, down the terrace steps and out to the beach. I laughed and took a seat at the table to watch him.
After I jumped Carter in his SUV, I was afraid he might tell his father what had happened. He was so close to his family and it appeared that he didn’t keep any secrets from them. The last thing I needed my client to know was how I straddled his son in the front seat of the car. But I didn't get the vibe from Alex that he knew about that. As it turned out, it appeared that Carter had some restraint on some information he shared with his father.
As I sat my glass down on the table, I noticed a flowery box that was worn at the corners. The lid was slightly ajar and inside I could see photos. Intrigued more than I was concerned about being caught snooping, I pulled the box to me and took out a stack of photos. The first photo was a picture of a very much younger Alex next to a beautiful woman, whom I noted was wearing the same dress Alex had lent me the other night. She wore it so much better than I had, I thought.
Standing in between them was a towheaded boy missing his front teeth. Next to him was a slightly younger blonde child, looking grumpy. Alex's wife was holding a tiny baby in her arms. Alex was holding a child who looked to be maybe one or 18 months old. I knew in an instant, that toddler was Carter. Tanner looked exactly like that when he was around a year old.
I swallowed the guilt that rose. The next picture was similar, but taken maybe a year or two later. The youngest child, Noah, was now about a year and a half and sitting next to him was Carter at about three years old. I could just as easily swap out a picture of Tanner for Carter.
I dropped the photos back in the box as tears welled in my eyes. There were tears of sadness that Tanner didn't have what Carter had in these pictures. There were tears of anger that I was the one keeping him from having it. And tears of frustration because I didn't know what to do. Or maybe they were tears of fear because I knew what to do, I was just too terrified to do it.
I picked up the photo with Noah and Carter again, marveling at how much Tanner looked like him. I went to the next picture, a full family photo from about the same time. Emotion tore through me as I realized that if Carter was sincere in his idea that we could be together, I could give Tanner all this. A mom and a dad and a family.
But I couldn't get past what he said to Noah about not wanting to marry or have a family. And even if he was sincere, there was no guarantee that we would be happy in the long run. We really only had one week four years ago. One week living in a fantasy world. There was no way to know if that was something that we could build a lifetime on.
But I really couldn't afford to be selfish much longer. Yes, there was guilt that I hadn't told Carter yet, but I didn’t know how I would live knowing that I deprived Tanner of this, or of the potential of this. He meant everything to me, and if my own selfishness and fears prevented him from having a father and a grandfather and uncles, I wouldn't be worthy of him.
Motion on the beach caught my attention and I saw Alex making his way back up to the terrace. I was pleased at how happy he looked. I put the pictures away, and sat waiting for him. He came up and took a seat, picking up his water for another long drink.
"I was thinking, Alex, that you've made such progress, we can start cutting back on the amount of time that I'm here with you."
"I’m very happy to hear that I'm doing so much better. Although I'll admit that I'll miss having you around so often." He looked at me over the rim of his water glass. "I suspect Carter will feel the same way."
Did that mean Carter had told him about the SUV encounter after all?
I looked down hoping he didn't see the blush of my cheek. "Well, you know what they say, all good things must come to an end."
When I arrived back home that evening, I told Regina and Tanner that I would have more time with them over the next couple weeks until I got my new client.
Tanner jumped up and down, and then jumped into my arms, giving me a big hug. "We can play together all day, mommy."
I laughed feeling so happy wishing I could always make Tanner this happy.
"How about I take us all out for ice cream?" I said.
Tanner's body bounced up and down in my arms. "Yay, I love ice cream."
"You two go. I have a few more client things I need to take care of and you could use some time alone with your boy," Reggie said.
She really was a fantastic friend and support. I needed to do something to repay her.
I took Alex out to the car, again wondering if maybe I should have taken Carter up on his new car offer. My clunker got me where we needed to go, but if it ever broke down, that could be a problem."
As I drove us towards the ice cream parlour, Tanner chatted away in the back seat. I had this moment of déjà vu of Carter and I riding in the back of an old cab in Mexico as it drove us out to the middle of nowhere to see an un-excavated temple of some sort. He was exactly like Tanner, chatting and smiling, and looking perfectly content in the world.
It was time for me to stop putting off what needed to be done. I had to do some serious thinking, get my head straight, then do the right thing for Tanner.
15
Carter
This was a stupid idea set up by a desperate man. As it turned out, I was a desperate man, I thought as I looked over the fake medical reports and scans that would show a torn meniscus. Being well-traveled, meant I had the opportunity to meet a lot of people, including a graphic artist in Bali who didn't have any qualms with creating fake documents for me. In his defense, he seemed to think this was all for a practical joke. It was a joke, sort of. At least I hoped someday that Jess and I would be laughing about the lengths I would go to win her over. Perhaps when we were celebrating our fiftieth wedding anniversary.
Of course, the complete opposite could happen. If or when Jess realized my deception, it was possible she wouldn't take it well at all. To my mind it was a reflection of how badly I wanted to be with her, so it was a good thing, right? Women liked to know that the men who cared for them did so in such desperate ways. At least that's the way Andi explained it.
With that said, Jess might not be like that. Or maybe it wouldn't matter. All the time and money I was spending on this little charade could be for nothing. Whatever it was that was keeping her resistant to me may not be swayed by the fact that I was so desperate to have her. It could get even worse than that. She could end up thinking I was obsessed, becoming some sort of crazed stalker. I told myself that failure wasn't an option, but I wasn't the type of man who was going to force himself on a woman. I had to come to terms with the fact that at some point I might have to accept that for reasons I didn't understand she didn’t want to be with me.
However, that day hadn't come yet. So, until then I was going to embark on this ridiculous scheme, and hope that it worked.
I left the documents on my desk and stood coming around to the middle of my office, so I could practice my limp. Later I would wrap my knee, but for now, I wanted to practice looking like I was in need of a physical therapist. I was making a second pass across the office, when my door opened and Noah strode in.
He looked me up and down. "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing. What do you want?" I went back to my desk sitting in my chair.
Noah walked over to the front of my desk sitting in the chair there. "Did you access files on Jess’s background report I did on her?"
"I access all the background reports you do when it relates to the business or family," I said.
His eyes narrowed, scrutinizing me. "So, you weren't trying to get personal details in your quest to win her over?"
"If I was looking for personal details, I wasn't going to get them from the report you did."
Noah scowled. “That report was just as thorough as any of the others I do."
I shrugged as I leaned back in my chair. "That’s my point. If I wanted personal info, that wouldn’t be the place to look. I don’t know why you’re accusing me of looking at a standard background report to find personal information on Jess when you know that I review those reports, just like Ryan and Hunter do."
Noah seemed to accept that. He looked at the papers on my desk and reached out picking up the fake doctor’s report before I couldn’t think fast enough to cover it.
"Oh Jesus, Carter. You’re really going to do this?"
"I need more time with her." I hated how pathetic I looked especially in front of Noah.
"At least tell me you're really going to throw yourself down the stairs so that it's not all fake."
"I'm not an idiot."
Noah shook the report at me and then tossed it on my desk. "This report says otherwise."
"I'm not an idiot with a death wish then."
"Again, that report says differently because I can totally see Jess wanting to kill you for duping her."
"This is the best way to spend extended time with her,” I argued.
Noah shook his head. "The best way is for you to pursue her the way normal people do. Ask her for a date —"
"I have, and the only time she actually came was when dad was chaperoning."
"Look, we both know that I'm not an expert in relationships —"
"Then maybe you shouldn't try to give me any advice," I said through a tight jaw.
"It doesn't take a relationship expert to know that starting a relationship on a lie doesn't bode well for the longevity of it. Ask anyone. That's what they'll tell you."
“It's not really a lie or deception, just more of creating an opportunity to spend more time with her. Hopefully it will work but if it doesn't, hopefully, I will understand what the hell is going on with her."
"I'm telling you it's nuts, Carter. Things are not going to go well with you and Jess unless you screw your head on straight."
"My head is screwed on straight. It's probably the only thing that is on straight at the moment. I have complete clarity about what it is I want. And there's a part of her that wants it too, so I'm just trying to create some time for us to figure it out."
"Look man, I like Jess —"
Everything in my body went cold, and I was about to tell him to stay the fuck away from her.
Noah waved his hands. "Not like that. Just as a person. As a friend. I can't get behind what you're doing here because she doesn't deserve having this done to her."
I didn't like his wording, because she didn't deserve to be tricked, but I didn't deserve to be given whiplash with the hot and cold way she behaved around me. "Why are you really here?"
Noah shrugged. “I need to look at your computer to make sure the patch we just installed is working right."
I rose from my chair offering it to Noah so he could access my computer.
I watched as he typed away on my keyboard. "When are you finally going to come on board here like the rest of us?"
Noah’s eyes were intent on the screen, but he shook his head. “I'm not the corporate work everyday, 9-to-5 type," he said.
I scoffed. "You're here, almost here 9-to-5 every day anyway. If you make it official, you’ll make Gran happy."
"I like to make Gran happy, but I'm not like the rest of you willing to sacrifice my freedom to make it happen."
I stood looking down at him. "You come running every time Andi gives a call. How is that freedom?"
He made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a growl. He stood and bumped me out of the way as he came around my desk and headed towards my door. "I’m not joining the ranks and that's final."
I rolled my eyes at his wake, and sat back down at my desk gathering my papers of deception. Noah really needed to stop fighting reality and join the family business. I felt certain that he wanted to, but I wasn't sure why he wasn't. That whole freedom thing was a bunch of bull, because we all had a lot of freedom in how we worked. It was one of the things that made working for Strong Incorporated so good. I got to travel the world. I got to flex my math muscle in ways that challenged me. Noah would have the same. It was time for Noah to grow up and accept what was.
It wasn't lost on me, that perhaps that was the advice I needed to take as well. Maybe it was time for me to grow up and accept what was; that Jess wasn't that into me.
But I wasn't able to accept that. Not yet anyway. So, I gathered up my reports and shoved them into my briefcase. As soon as I was assured that I wouldn't be taking away from what my father needed in his care, I would set my plan with Jess in motion.
16
Jess
"Now, slowly and gently come out of downward facing dog, bringing the knees down and then going into child's pose," I said to Alex as we ended our yoga exercise for the day. I moved with him, but I had one eye
on him, watching as he did as I instructed. "Now bring your forehead, but not your nose or chin, to the mat with your hands extended ahead of you and focus on your breath. With each inhale, feel your breath, as it's filling your lungs, slide along your spine as we release the back."
"I'm not sure if this one or the dead one, are my favorite," Alex’s muffled voice said.
I laughed. "Corpse pose is nice too," I agreed.
After today, my visits would be less frequent. I would stop by for an hour or so a couple days a week, but that would be it. I was going to miss coming here, partly because Alex was such a great client, and the location couldn't be beat especially for something like yoga.
On the other hand, not coming all the time would be good in terms of reducing my chances of seeing Carter. But even just thinking that made me feel guilty and sad, a sure sign that I wasn't just doing something against what I wanted, but that what I was doing was wrong. I would make everything right, eventually. At least that's what I told myself each time I put off what needed to be done.
My guilt was often made even worse when I realized I wasn't keeping Tanner just from having a father like Carter, but also a grandfather like Alex, and a great-grandmother like Margaret. Even Carter's brothers, for all their quirks and faults, I knew that they would do right by Tanner.
The tension ratcheted up in my body, and taking my own words as cues, I focused on my breathing and releasing the tension. I needed to focus on my client, not on my own personal problems.
Alex's phone started to ring, or actually it was a song with lyrics that said, “I'm a ramblin man.”
Alex lifted his head and looked at me. "That's Carter." He started to get up and I quickly moved to help him.
"Why don't you let it go to voicemail?" I didn't like coming out of a yoga session and having to jump right into the craziness of life again.
Wrong to Love You: Strong Brothers Book 3 Page 8