by Elinor Glyn
CHAPTER II
"And I shall not see you for a whole month, my precious pet!" Lord Algywhispered, as the train was approaching Charing Cross, at about eleveno'clock on the Monday night of the return journey. "I don't know how Ishall bear it, but you will write every day, won't you?--Promise me,darling----I wish now that I had not taken first leave and arranged toshoot with my brother-in-law next week."
His arm still encircled her, and her ashen-hued head leaned against hisshoulder, so that he could not see the expression in her sombre eyes. Itwas that of an animal in pain.
"No, I shall not write, Algy, and you must not, either--we have had adivine time, and I shall never forget it. But it is stupid towrite--what good would it be to either of us?"
He pleaded that he would not be able to live without a word--after thethree days of perfect bliss they had enjoyed--and, of course, they wouldenjoy many more, when he returned from Wales--!
Katherine Bush did not argue with him--of what use since her own mindwas entirely made up? She just let him kiss her as much as he desiredwithout speaking a word, and then she arranged her hat and veil, and wasdemurely ready to get out when the train should draw up at the platform.
Lord Algy could not have been more loverlike. He was really feeling fullof emotion and awfully sorry to part. She had been so wonderful, hetold himself. She had enjoyed the whole thing so simply, and was such adelightful companion. She had not asked any silly questions or plaguedhim with sentimental forever-and-ever kinds of suggestions, as lots ofgirls might have done with her limited experience of these transitoryaffairs. She had accepted the situation as frankly as a savage who hadnever heard that there could be any more binding unions. He really didnot know how he was going to stand a whole month of separation,but perhaps it was just as well, as he was on the verge of beingridiculously in love, and to plunge in, he knew, would be a hopelessmistake. She was a thousand times nicer and more interesting than anygirl he had ever met in his life. If she had only been a lady, and therewould not be any row about it, he could imagine any fellow being glad tomarry her.
She was not at all cold either--indeed, far from it--and seemedinstinctively to understand the most enchanting passion--He thought of_Mademoiselle de Maupin_ again--and felt he had been as equally blessedas _D'Albert_. She would make the sweetest friend for months and months,and he would rush back from Wales the moment he could break from hisfamily, and seek solace in her arms--he would have got himself in handagain by then, so as not to do anything stupid. He always meant to bevery, very good to her, though. Thus he dreamed, and grew moredemonstrative, clasping her once again in a fond farewell embrace,during the last available moment, and his charming blue eyes, with theirbrown curly lashes, looked half full of tears.
"Say you love me, darling," he commanded, wishing, like all lovers, tohear the spoken words.
Katherine Bush was very pale, and there was concentrated feeling in herface which startled him. Then she answered, her voice deeper than usual:
"Yes--I love you, Algy--perhaps you will never know how much. I do notsuppose I will ever really love anyone else in the same way in my life."
Then the train drew up at the station.
The people all looked unreal in the foggy October air under the glaringlights--and the whole thing appeared as a dream indeed when, half anhour later, Katherine sped through the suburban roads to Bindon's Green,alone in the taxi. Lord Algy had put her in and paid the man liberally,and with many last love words had bidden her good-night and--_aurevoir_!
So this chapter was finished--she realised that. And it had been reallyworth while. An outlook had opened for her into a whole new world--whererealities lived--where new beings moved, where new standpoints could bereached. She saw that her former life had been swept from her--and now,to look back upon, appeared an impossible tedium. She had mastered allthe shades of what three days of most intimate companionship with _agentleman_ could mean, and the memory contained no flaw. Algy's chivalryand courtesy had never faltered; she might have been a princess or hisbride, from the homage he had paid her. Dear, much-loved Algy! Herpassion for him was tinged with almost a mother love--there wassomething so tender and open-hearted about him. But now she must takestern hold of herself, and must have pluck enough to profit by what shehad learned of life--Though to-night she was too tired to do more thanretrospect.
Oh! the wonder of it all!--the wonder of love, and the wonder ofemotion! She clenched her cold hands round the handle of her littlevalise. She was trembling. She had insisted upon his keeping thefur-lined coat for the present. How could she account for it to herfamily, she had argued? But she never meant to take it again.
No one was awake at Laburnum Villa when she opened the door with herlatchkey, and she crept up to her little icy chamber under the roof,numb in mind and body and soul--and was soon shivering between thecotton sheets.
Oh! the contrast to the warm, flower-scented bedroom at the Palatial!And once she had not known the difference between linen and cotton!
She said this over to herself while she felt the nap--and then the tearsgathered in her eyes one by one, and she sobbed uncontrollably for awhile--Alas! to have to renounce all joy--forever more!
She fell asleep towards morning, and woke with a start as her alarmclock thundered. But her face was set like marble, and there was not atrace of weakness upon it when she appeared at the family scramble,which did duty for breakfast.
There had been a row between Fred and Gladys, the sister a year olderthan herself, who was a saleswoman at a fashionable dressmaker'sestablishment. Matilda, the eldest of the family, was trying to smoothmatters while she sewed up a rent in the skirt which Ethel, theyoungest, would presently wear to the school "for young ladies" whichshe daily attended. This, the most youthful Miss Bush, meanwhile sat ina very soiled Japanese quilted dressing gown, devouring sausages. Therewere bloaters on the table, too, and treacle--and the little generalservant was just bringing in the unsavory coffee in the tin coffeepot.
Tea had been good enough for them always in the father's time, andMatilda for her part could not see why Fred had insisted upon havingcoffee, on the strength of a trip to Boulogne on bank holiday.
But there it was! When Fred insisted, things had to be done--even if onehated coffee!
Katherine Bush loathed most of her family. She had not an expansivenature, and was quite ruthless. Why should she love them just becausethey were her brothers and sisters? She had not asked to be born amongthem! They were completely uncongenial to her, and always had been. Itwas obviously ridiculous and illogical then to expect her to feelaffection for them, just because of this accident of birth, so sheargued. Matilda, the eldest, who had always been a mother to the rest,did hold one small corner of her heart.
"Poor old Tild," as she called her, "the greatest old fool living," andMatilda adored her difficult sister.
How doubly impossible they all appeared now to the unveiled eyes ofKatherine!
"This is simply disgusting stuff, this coffee!" she said, putting hercup down with a grimace. "It is no more like French coffee than Ettlooks like a Japanese because she has got on that dirty dressing-gown."
"What do you know of French coffee, I'd like to ask--What ho!" Bert, thebrother just younger than herself, demanded, with one of his brightflashes. "Have you been to 'Boulong for a bit of a song,' like theGov'nor?"
"I wish you'd give over calling me the Gov'nor, Bert!" Mr. FrederickBush interposed, stopping for a moment his bicker with Gladys. "Mabelstrongly objects to it. She says it is elderly and she dislikes slang,anyway."
But Albert Bush waved half a sausage on his fork, and subsided into achuckle of laughter. He was the recognised wit of the family, and Ethelgiggled in chorus.
Katherine never replied to any of their remarks, unless she wished to;there was no use in throwing down the gauntlet to her, it remained lyingthere. She did not even answer Matilda's tentative suggestion that shehad always drunk the coffee before without abusing it!
If they only
knew how significant the word "before" sounded to her thatmorning!
She finished her bit of burnt toast, and began putting on her hat at aside mirror preparatory to starting. She did not tell Gladys that shewould be late if she did not leave also; that was her sister's ownaffair, she never interfered with people.
As she left the dining-room, she said to Matilda:
"I want a fire in my room when I come back this evening, please. I'llhave one every day--Make out how much it will be, and Em'ly's extrawork, and I'll pay for it."
"Whatever do you want that for, Kitten?" the astonished Matildademanded. "Why, it is only October yet. No one ever has a fire untilNovember, even in the drawing-room--let alone a bedroom. It isridiculous, dearie!"
"That aspect does not matter at all to me," Katherine retorted. "I wantit, and so I shall have it. I have some work to do, and I am not goingto freeze."
Matilda knew better than to continue arguing. She had not lived withKatherine for twenty-two years for nothing.
"She takes after father in a way," she sighed to herself as she beganhelping the little servant to clear away the breakfast things, when theyhad all departed to the West End, where it was their boast to announcethat they were all employed--they looked down upon the City!
"Yes, it's father, not mother or her family; father would have his way,and Fred has got this idea, too, but nothing like Kitten's! How I wishshe'd look at Charlie Prodgers and get married and settled!"
Then she sighed again and sat down by the window to enjoy her one greatpleasure of the day, the perusal of the _feuilleton_ in the _MorningReflector_. In these brief moments she forgot all family worries, allsordid cares--and revelled in the adventures of aristocratic villainsand persecuted innocent governesses and actresses, and felt she, too,had a link with the great world. She was a good sound Radical in whatrepresented politics to her, so she knew all aristocrats must be bad,and ought to be exterminated, but she loved to read about them, and hearfirst-hand descriptions of the female members from Gladys, who saw manyin the showrooms of Madame Ermantine. "Glad _knows_," she often said toherself with pride.
Meanwhile, Katherine Bush--having snubbed Mr. Prodgers into silence inthe train--where he manoeuvred to meet her every morning--reached heremployers' establishment, and began her usual typing.
There was work to be done by twelve o'clock in connection with therenewal of the loan to Lord Algernon Fitz-Rufus--the old Marquis wouldbe obliged to pay before Christmas time, Mr. Percival Livingstone said.
Miss Bush, to his intense astonishment, gave a sudden short laugh--itwas quite mirthless and stopped abruptly--but it was undoubtedly alaugh!
"What is amusing you?" he asked with a full lisp, too taken off hisguard to be as refined and careful in tone as usual.
"The old Marquis having to pay, of course," Katherine responded.
Never once during the whole day did she allow her thoughts to wanderfrom her work, which she accomplished with her usual precision. Evenduring her luncheon hour she deliberately read the papers. She hadtrained herself to do one thing at a time, and the moment for reflectionwould not come until she could be undisturbed. She would go back as soonas she was free, to her own attic, and there think everything out, anddecide upon the next step to be taken in her game of life.
A few burnt sticks, and a lump of coal in the tiny grate, were allshe discovered on her return that evening to her sanctuary. Themaid-of-all-work was not a talented fire-lighter and objected tocriticism. Katherine's level brows met with annoyance, and she proceededto correct matters herself, while she muttered:
"Inefficient creature! and they say that we are all equal! Why can't shedo her work, then, as well as I can mine!"
Her firm touch and common sense arrangement of paper and kindling soonproduced a bright blaze, and when she had removed her outdoor things,she sat down to think determinedly.
She loved Lord Algy--that was the first and most dominant thing to face.She loved him so much that it would never be safe to see him again,since she had not the slightest intention of ever drifting into theposition of being a man's mistress. She had tasted of the tree ofknowledge with her eyes open, and the fruit that she had eaten was toodangerously sweet for continuous food. Love would obtain a mastery overher if things went on; she knew that she might grow not to care aboutanything else in the world but only Algy. Thus, obviously, allconnection with him must be broken off at once, or her career would beat an end, and her years of study wasted. Even if he offered to marryher she could never take the position with a high hand. There wouldalways be this delicious memory of illicit joys between them, whichwould unconsciously bias Algy's valuation of her. She had learned thingsof consequence which she could not have acquired in any other way, andnow she must have strength to profit by them. She utterly despisedweaklings and had no pity for lovesick maidens. For a woman to throwover her future for a man was to her completely contemptible. She probedthe possible consequences of her course of action unflinchingly; shebelieved so in her own luck that she felt sure that no awkward accidentcould happen to her. But even if this should occur, there were wayswhich could be discovered to help her--and since the moment had not yetcome, she would defer contemplating it, but would map out her plansregardless of this contingency. So she argued to herself.
She could not endure living under the family roof of Laburnum Villa anylonger, that was incontestable; she must go out and learn exactly howthe ladies of Lord Algy's world conducted themselves. Not that shewished to dawn once more upon his horizon as a polished Vere deVere--but that for her own satisfaction she must make herself his equalin all respects. There had been so many trifles about which she had feltshe had been ignorant, almost every moment of the three days had givenher new visions, and had shown her her own shortcomings.
"There are no bars to anything in life but stupidity and vanity," shetold herself, "and they at least shall not stand in my way."
The temptation to have one more farewell interview with him was great,but there was nothing the least dramatic about her, so that aspect didnot appeal to her as it would have done to an ordinary woman who isruled by emotional love for dramatic situations; she was merely drawn bythe desire for her mate once more, and this she knew and crushed.
It would mean greater pain than pleasure to her afterwards, and wouldcertainly spoil all chance of a career. She gloried in the fact that shehad had the courage to taste of life's joys for experience, but shewould have burned with shame to feel that she was being drawn into anequivocal position through her own weakness.
Katherine Bush was as proud as Lucifer. She fully understood--apart frommoral questions which did not trouble her--that what she had done wouldhave been fatal to a fool like Gladys, or to any girl except one withher exceptional deliberation and iron will. She truly believed that suchexperiments were extremely dangerous, and on no account to be adopted asa principle of action in general. The straight and narrow path oforthodox virtue was the only one for most women to follow; and the onlyone she would have advocated for her sisters or friends. The proof beingthat as a rule when women erred they invariably suffered because theyhad not the pluck or the strength to know when to stop.
Katherine Bush was absolutely determined that she should never behampered, in her game, by her own emotions or weakness.
Before Lord Algy would return from Wales, she would have left Liv andDev's. She had never given him her home address, and there would be notrace of her. She would look in the _Morning Post_ for information, andthen endeavour to secure some post as companion or secretary to somegreat lady. There she would pick up the rest of the necessary equipmentto make herself into a person in whom no flaws could be found. And whenshe had accomplished this, then fate would have opened up some pathworth following.
"Some day I shall be one of the greatest women in England," she toldherself, as she looked unblinking into the glowing coals.
Then, having settled her plans, she allowed herself to go over the wholeof her little holiday, incident by incident.
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How utterly adorable Algy had been! She found herself thrilling again ateach remembrance--How refined and how considerate! How easy were hismanners; he was too sure of himself, and his welcome in life, ever toshow the deplorable self-consciousness which marked the friends who cameon Sundays, or the bumptious self-assertion of her brothers, Fred andBert.
If only she had been born in his world, and had by right of birth thoseprerogatives which she meant to obtain by might of intelligence, howgood it would have been to marry him--for a few years! But even now inher moment of fierce, passionate first love, which in her case was solargely made up of the physical, her brain was too level and speculativenot to balance the pros and cons of such a situation. And while she feltshe loved him with all her being, she knew that he was no match for herintellectually, and that when the glamour faded he would weary her.
But the wrench of present renunciation was none the less bitter--Neverany more to feel his fond arms clasping her--never again to hear hiscaressing words of love!
If a coronet for her brow shone at the end of the climb, her heart atall events must turn to ice by the way, or so she felt at the moment.
He had talked so tenderly about their future meetings. How they would goagain to Paris when he returned from Wales. How she must let him giveher pretty clothes and a diamond ring, and how she was his darling pet,and his own girl. She knew that he was growing really to love her;Katherine Bush never deceived herself or attempted to throw dust in herown eyes. She had eaten her cake and could not have it. If she had heldout and drawn him on, no doubt she could have been his wife, but it wasonly for one second that this thought agitated her. Yes, she could havebeen his wife--but to what end? Only one of humiliation. She was not yetready to carry off such a position with a certainty of success; she knewshe was ignorant, and that the knowledge of such ignorance would destroyher self-confidence and leave her at the mercy of circumstance. So allwas for the best. She had not guessed that it would be so very painfulto part from him--dear, attractive Algy! She could not sit still anylonger. A convulsion of anguish and longing shook her, and she got upand stamped across the room. Then she put on her outdoor things againand stalked down into the gathering night, passionate emotion fillingher soul.
But when she came back an hour later, after tramping the wet roads roundthe common, the battle was won.
And this night she fell asleep without any tears.