‘Oh God, Katie, I just can’t help myself.’
‘Why are you doing this to yourself?’
‘It started after Billy was born, I hated, hated what I saw in the mirror, the lumpy tummy, the saggy tits. This was my way of getting my figure back, getting control over my life …’ she trailed off, took a huge breath, turned round and flipped the loo seat down, slumped on top of the toilet. ‘I suppose I was punishing myself. Some days are worse than others. This is the only way I can cope,’ she looked at Katie. ‘What would you know, darl, you’re so relaxed about your body, had three beautiful kids, still have a decent figure – in fact, you look the best I’ve seen you,’ she sniffed.
‘Perfect, Naomi? You must be joking! I’d die for a body like yours,’ Katie replied.
‘No. You. Wouldn’t,’ she said shaking her head slowly. ‘You might think you want a body like this,’ she glanced down, then looked at Katie; ‘but you wouldn’t want it - The $10,000 tits, the constant hairdresser appointments, the teeth whitening, the Botox …’
‘C’mon, look at you, you have the body of Elle McPherson!’ said Katie.
‘I’m telling you, you really wouldn’t want the mind which comes with the territory,’ said Naomi, shaking her head. ‘I have a disease, Katie! I throw up …’ her eyes filled with tears.
‘Does Andrew -’
‘Know? That’s the worst bit. He’s always wanted more children. I couldn’t face it, we did try, but the doctors told me that I had to put on weight to conceive … Oh Jesus, don’t you see, Katie?’ the tears were streaming down her face.
‘No?’
‘I’ve messed up Andrew’s dreams of having any more kids … And I’ve messed up my body as the same time…’ she rested her head on her forearms and started to sob. ‘Just seeing all your kids here today, playing in the pool, made me realise what I’ve done. Now Ed will never have any siblings.’
‘It’s not too late, Naomi.’
‘Yes, yes it is. I’ve been sterilized - Andrew doesn’t know.’
‘Does he know about the vomiting?’ Katie asked quietly.
‘He suspects something’s up,’ she said, looking up, ‘knows I’ve done it ‘once or twice’ - but he doesn’t know how often. Blake knows,’ she said, sighing, blowing her nose with some toilet paper. ‘He’s tried to help me but …’ she took a deep sigh, ‘nothing’s ever worked.’
Grabbing a face cloth from the sink, Katie ran cool water over it and wiped Naomi’s brow. ‘I’m taking you to my doctor, OK? There are people out there who can really help you, you know.’
‘Oh, Katie, I’m so sorry, so sorry ... Blake’s always coming to my rescue, I phone him, he comes round. Andrew doesn’t know a thing.’
‘Well, he certainly helped me with the spider and Rory at the hospital, I was terrified. Thought I was going to lose Rory, he was so - don’t know … so calm, gentle. I didn’t know who else to call – you’ve got a fantastic brother you know,’ Katie said. ‘In fact, it was nice to have him all to myself!’ Katie smiled, ran some more water over the facecloth and turned to look at Naomi. Naomi stared at Katie and gave her a peculiar look.
‘I’m sure it was sweetheart.’ She held onto the sink and lifted herself up. Then she turned to Katie and looked at her: ‘But you do know he’s gay, don’t you?’
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Water trickled down Katie’s back in the shower, she stared out beyond the glass doors and out through the bathroom window: huge black thunderclouds were rolling in the sky. Replaying Naomi’s words, she wondered how she hadn’t spotted such an obvious thing. What’s wrong with me? How delusional am I, she wondered. What else haven’t I noticed? The devil was back on her shoulder: maybe you haven’t noticed your husband properly, for years. Maybe you’ve been so trapped under a mountain of Tupperware, sister, you haven’t seen that all he wanted was a wife to love him, to care again.
When she finished her shower she went to find Maria. She was folding towels in the kitchen. Strange, I’m sure she was doing that when I went for my shower, thought Katie. Why has it taken her so long?
‘Maria, do you know what you put in James’ water bottle yesterday?’ she asked, folding her arms across her chest.
‘Yees. I put the Ribena and splash of the ‘special juice’ James is asks for – he says to be like you,’ she beamed at Katie, nodded her head.
‘You gave him vodka! Do you understand?’
Maria stared at Katie, looked confused. Katie turned around and grabbed the bottle from the top shelf. ‘Vodka Maria, ALCOHOL, yes?’
Maria’s face fell. ‘Oh I am sooo sorry. I cannot read zees,’ she peered at the bottle, then held it away from her face. ‘Sorry Meeses Parkes.’
‘Please don’t give him anything but WATER, alright?’
Maria nodded as Katie walked away, wondering if she should keep her on. Her two week trial was up on Friday.
Picking up James later that day, Katie realised it hadn’t been a ‘good day’ for him at all. It was pouring. Torrential Sydney-esque rain. Rain which doesn’t stop. James looked at Katie from under his hood, hair matted to his head, and there was a curious look on his face. It really can rain a lot in Sydney, thought Katie, staring at the fat drops splashing on top of his hood.
One of the other British school mums waved at her from the gate. She was wearing an anorak. The look screamed British school mum - beware! Because they were both from Blighty she had assumed a kind of camaraderie with Katie, a kind of we’re-all-in-this-Aussie-boat-together kind of chummyness.
‘Oh doesn’t it make you feel like you are at home!’ she shouted across the road at Katie, holding onto the hood of her anorak, grinning like an overgrown Outward Bounds student. Katie’s smile was thin in return. No it doesn’t, sweetie. It makes me want to lie face down in the puddles.
The car windows were steamed up from the heat from three soggy little boys.
‘How was school, James?’
Silence.
‘What did you do today, darling?’ He peered at her from under his hood.
A scowl.
‘Tell me,’ she tried again.
‘A boy punched me in the playground.’
Slamming on the breaks, Katie nearly crashed into the car in front of her.
‘What? Again?’ She screwed up her eyes, tried to make out the scene in front in the pouring rain. ‘Oh God!’ as the car came to a halt, just touching the bumper in front.
‘Which boy?’ but before James could answer, Katie watched as the woman in the car ahead of them got out, slammed her door shut and started marching towards the car. I recognise her, thought Katie, sliding down in the seat.
Katie rolled her eyes and stared out at the pelting rain, at the figure in the bright purple raincoat coming towards her. She wound her window down. ‘I’m so sorry,’ Katie said apologetically, staring up at her, rain splashing her face.
‘It’s you!’ shrieked Carol. ‘Thought it was some bloody foreign driver. Careful luv. You alright?’ She peered at Katie from outside. ‘You look like shit, darl.’
‘Thanks,’ Katie replied, not sure quite how to reply to that one. ‘Got a lot on my mind. Sorry Carol, but I have to go.’ And with that she pulled away abruptly.
‘James? What did you do darling? At school, when the boy hit you? Who was it?’
‘Ed.’ Came a little voice from the back.
Ed? How dare he! Why was Ed hitting my son, wondered Katie. It was bad enough that Ann had stolen my husband’s affections, now her bloody kid is hitting James, fumed Katie, as she crunched into fourth gear.
‘What did he say, darling, why did he hit you?’
‘He said I have two brothers and he has nothing.’
Men in balaclavas? The real threat at this school lies within the school’s four walls. The threat to my son is a lonely little boy who is desperate for a sibling, she mused. But that’s not James’ fault! She slammed on her brakes at the junction and decided to have it out with Ann. Glancing behind her in
the rear view mirror, all she saw was a terrified little English boy, looking very lost underneath his Aussie bush hat.
When they got home, she turned on the TV, thankful for the mindless drone of chatty cartoons. There is so much churning over in my brain it feels like exploding. God, I need Tom right now. This is a mess, she realised. She slumped down on the sofa next to Andy and Rory and started to watch Bob the Builder, took refuge in Scoop, Muck and Dizzy and their brain-numbing antics. After a while, she realised she hadn’t seen James for a while.
Getting up to switch the kettle on, she saw James outside, next to the gate. He was looking behind him. The rain was pelting down, monsoon-like, he was getting drenched. Suddenly, she saw him open the gate and bolt. Oh Christ.
‘Maria!’ Where was she?
Maria came to the kitchen red-faced, clutching a duster. ‘Yees?’
‘Watch Rory and Andy, I have to go and fetch James!’ Katie yelled behind her shoulder as she headed towards the door.
Rain hit her face outside. ‘Come back, darling, c’mon,’ she shouted at James. ‘Let’s go inside and make chocolate Rice-Krispies, shall we?’ she was yelling to his back, shouting above the noise of the downpour, her hair stuck to her head as she marched along the pavement. The rain was torrential, soaking through to her bra. James carried on walking. It carried on raining. No one has ever left home before.
He turned round and shouted at her. ‘I want Daddy!’
She stopped in her tracks, felt the rain descend down her face, slip into her mouth and down her neck. ‘I know darling, but he’s not here. Please come inside.’
Katie walked over to him, she could see his eyes were red from crying. Kneeling on the kerb, she held him in her arms and watched the dark green murky water angrily gush along the gutter like miniature rapids. James doesn’t need to say anything, she thought. He’s lost. I know just how he feels. ‘Mummy, I want Daddy. I want it all to be normal again,’ he sobbed.
So do I. She stared at the raindrops splattering into the pavement, feeling the water seep into her knickers. Maybe it’s time for normal again; maybe I could forgive Tom – he’s done as much damage as he can, surely, she reasoned, holding on tightly to James’ hand and pulling them both up.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
The sea pool was crystal clear, like an aquamarine gemstone sparking in front of the ocean as a backdrop. A couple of kids were playing happily by the pool steps, squealing, splashing and giggling, watching the group of divers squeeze into wet suits.
The six of them were there again: an American couple; Chris and Carol had buddied up, Naomi and Katie. Naomi was helping Katie get her gear on: wet suit, air tank, BCD vest, weight belt. Blake had said the pool was perfect for their first ‘try-dive’. Katie glanced over at Blake, looked at the handsome, rugged bloke with new eyes. Of course, she could see now, there were the tiny gestures she’d missed - the way he held onto Chris’ hand a little too long as they passed snorkels, the way Blake was holding his gaze before talking to the group again. She rolled her eyes heavenwards. How could I have been so stupid?
She glanced at her watch before she took it off and her heart stopped : September 3rd, a year since they’d been here. A lot has happened, she sighed inwardly. One adorable baby, check; one unfaithful husband, check; one enormous determination to do something I enjoy.
‘Katie?’ Blake was looking at her. ‘We’re just going over the safety tips again, OK?’ She nodded and smiled at him.
‘Remember we have to ‘clear’ our masks with bubbles of air as we go down - don’t forget to equalise your ears on your descent; keep looking at your air gauge, breathe as if you are taking air from a straw, slow breaths, not great big gulps.’ He smiled round at the group. ‘OK?’
‘Right, wetsuits on, weight belts and buddy up; Chris – check everyone’s air.’
Under water, Katie could hear the inhalation and exhalation of air into her body; a horror movie type of breathing in my head, she smiled to herself. Everyone was moving gracefully – even Carol, reflected Katie – glancing at her fuzz of blonde hair sticking out from the straps in her snorkel. Naomi was next to her, as elegant as a mermaid in the water. Blake motioned to them to clear their masks. Bubbles filled Katie’s nose. She had been terrified of this practice drill, of letting the water into her mask, but, determinedly, she knew Blake was watching, so did it as part of the test, gulping air from her regulator when she had finished.
My goodness, thought Katie, it’s one thing sitting in a lecture room looking at the Smartboard, but it’s much harder doing the real thing.
When they had all finished and climbed out of the pool, Naomi wandered over to Katie and nudged her in the ribs.
‘Hey! Let’s do hair and shoes this arvo, shall we?’ her eyes were twinkling
‘How can I resist?’ smiled Katie at her gorgeous friend.
*
‘It appears my beauty education is far from over,’ Katie whispered to Naomi as she sat next to her in the glass and chrome salon. Katie felt like she was in a space ship. She flicked noisily through Beauty & Bliss magazine.
‘Listen to this, Nomes: ‘One of the first tell-tale signs of ageing are droopy eyelids.’ Katie pulled a clown face. ‘In addition, your facial lines, crow’s feet, vertical lines between brows and marionette lines that run from the corner of the nose to the mouth start to get more pronounced.’ Naomi? Are you listening? Honest to God! The whole thing’s a nightmare,’ laughed Katie, peering at herself in the mirror.
‘Yeah, well that’s what cosmetic surgery is for!’
Katie’s phone then beeped with a new message from Lucy.
Kitchen plans are to-die-for. Getting Aga! How you? Lucy.x
Hi L. Am better. Having hair done … sign of feeling much more on top of things. Chat soon. Kx
Naomi smiled across at Katie as they left the hairdresser in search of shoe shops. ‘You seem – sort of brighter,’ Naomi said, shrugging her shoulders.
‘Yes, I’m giving this Doing Something For Myself malarkey a bit of a work out, actually,’ laughed Katie.
‘No, it’s more than that – something’s changed.’
‘It has, actually,’ Katie said. She turned to face Naomi. ‘I’ve decided to give Tom another chance, you know, maybe I’ve just been so wrapped up in myself, the kids, I forgot about him? Forgot what he needed?’
‘Good idea, Katie,’ smiled Naomi. ‘You both probably drifted apart. Now that you’re swimming, finding the confidence in the ocean … you seem different - to have moved on?’
Katie grinned. ‘Yes, I kinda have.’ They both spotted a window display and peered in. ‘Now, this is my porno,’ Katie said to Naomi, winking, looking at a whole line of Diana Ferrari, Nine West and Manolo Blahniks perched on a rail.
‘C’mon! Let’s buy some!’ squealed Naomi.
This is fun! Suddenly Katie saw a pair of low, kitten heeled denim slingbacks with red stitching around the tiny Union Jacks. ‘Beautiful!’ said Katie, picking them up in the shop. And they were marked down to half price.
‘Perfect to detract me from the Here and Now and take me to What If!’ she nudged Naomi in the ribs. Laying her credit card on the counter, she realised that she hadn’t bought anything for herself for ages. The thrill was still there. The sound of the crisp bits of tissue paper that the shoes were wrapped in, the beautiful bag with red cord handles, the little sticker the assistant put on the bag to seal it; to make sure you didn’t surreptitiously slip in another pair of Jimmy Choos as you left. She surprised herself by wondering if Tom would like them. She had recently just let herself - just a teensy bit – entertain the idea of meeting up with him again. How would she feel? She felt a flutter of excitement and hummed as she walked out the shoe shop.
Once Katie got home from the shops and school run, she stopped in her tracks in the kitchen. It was a mess. What had Maria been doing all day?
She removed two mouldy oranges from the fruit bowl and noticed that the bowl hadn’t been cleaned for a
while. Yes, she was definitely feeling better, she could always tell. She tackled the housework with so much more energy when things were looking up. Suddenly, she had the urge to clean out the salad drawer in the fridge with bicarbonate of soda. She stood, with the fridge door open, enjoying its cool waves of air when she was interrupted by James.
‘Mummy?’
‘Yes darling?’
‘There’s something funny on the computer. Like a mummy willy.’
‘Really?’ Katie felt a cold shiver run through her. ‘OK, let me check.’ She tried to say the words normally. But when she reached the desk in the open-plan living room, her hand flew to her mouth. Staring back at her were two pairs (what?) of enormous tits, a tongue and a very neat Brazilian.
‘My God! What are you doing? Turn it off!’
‘But Mum, it was just on the screen when I got here …’
Then she realised what had happened. God. She couldn’t even trust the au pair …
*
Maria was sitting in front of Katie. It was 7pm. Katie had pulled the plug out of the computer, when she’d seen what James had found, silently made beans on toast for all the children, let them have a huge amount of ice cream and put them all to bed without doing homework or having a bath – in fact, she couldn’t remember them doing their teeth. She had found Maria in the garden, hanging out washing. It had been 6pm.
Never, in all my life, have I been so furious, thought Katie, marching up to her, and telling her to sit in the living room until she was ready.
A strange serenity washed over her as she looked at her Spanish ‘help’. ‘I put you in charge of looking after my children, Maria -’
‘Meeses Parkes I can expl -’
‘I don’t want to hear it!’ shouted Katie putting her hand up, as if stopping traffic.
‘I asked you to do the washing, look after Rory, wash the dishes, fold their laundry, NOT LOOK AT PORN! LESBIAN porn!’
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