by S. M. Soto
It also didn’t help matters that, at the time, when he was still with Holly and I was nursing a broken heart, I didn’t know how to explain it to him without making him out to be a scumbag cheater.
Because in my adolescent mind, that’s exactly what he had morphed into.
I didn’t know it at the time, but supposedly, Holly and Endymion weren’t together the night it happened. Sure, they were friends with…benefits, but apparently, Holly had a lot of those, and End was just one of them. Julia told me all this one night when I broke down, needing information on everything that was going on back home. Julia and my father were the only ties I still had to Dunsmuir, to Endymion, and it wasn’t really like I could ask my father anything about End.
Things are getting messy, and I can quite literally feel the train going off the tracks. We’re derailing, and I have no clue how to fix this. How to fix any of it. Because, even though I know all hell will break loose when I do it, I want to tell him. I want him to know Luna is his daughter. I just don’t know how.
How do you tell someone he’s missed six years of his child’s life and it’s all your fault?
“Mommy, guess what?” Luna skids to a halt in front of me, vibrating with energy.
“Hmm?” I pause, tapping my pointer finger on my chin and looking up at the ceiling for answers. “Chicken butt?”
Luna tosses her head back and laughs. “No, silly. Nana says you were in love with End!”
My eyes widen, and I choke on air.
End?
End?! When did my daughter start calling Endymion by his nickname, End? I scan the room for my mother, who’s standing off to the side, rolling her eyes.
“I said no such thing.”
“Yeah, you did!” Luna retorts, snitching on her grandmother. “You told him that Mommy had a huuuge crush on him when she was little.”
My stomach revolts and mortification weighs heavily on my chest, making it hard to breathe. “Mom!” I gasp, enraged that she’d feel the need to say anything at all. So what if I had a huge crush on the guy when I was younger? Does she really think I want him to be reminded of that? Especially now, years later?
It’s not totally her fault since she doesn’t know the truth, either. Everyone thinks Luna’s father is a guy from Caltech. No one bothered to do the math or question who it could have been. Why would they? It was me we were talking about—boring Selene who no one noticed. Sweet Selene who would never lie about anything. My parents were so consumed by the rocky state of their marriage that they didn’t question the logistics. They didn’t question me or any of it.
Oh, how times have changed.
“My goodness, Selene. What’s the big deal? Your crush on him wasn’t exactly a secret.”
“Yeah, it was, Nana.”
My mom narrows her eyes down at Luna. “All right, little girl. That’s the last time you go on a water run with me.”
“Awww!” Luna groans, and I can tell by her tone that she’s close to throwing a tantrum. I should probably stop the fit before it begins, but I’m too fixated on my mother to do so.
“What does she mean?” I cross my arms over my chest.
“Endymion didn’t know you had a crush on him all those years ago.” She shrugs like it’s no big deal when, in fact, it is a big fucking deal. I feel my body flame with anger. I glance toward the window where the guys are sitting around on their break. My stomach jolts violently when I realize End is looking at the window, too. He’s shirtless, the tan lines of his body are on full display, and I can make out his six-pack even from here. Jesus Christ. My mouth goes dry the longer I stare, so I move away from his distracting body, dragging my gaze upward.
That’s a mistake.
Our eyes lock, and suddenly, this strange current of electricity zings through my body. Now that I know he knows, I can’t help the way my face heats with embarrassment. I wish the ground would just swallow me whole.
Want to know what’s worse than your longtime crush never knowing how you felt about him?
Him finding out years later.
Yeah, that’s worse.
I quickly look away and do my best to ignore the way my body is suddenly trembling over this news. This is bad. He knows I had a crush on him.
God, this is so damn embarrassing!
“What’s going on in here?” Dad asks, walking into the kitchen. Luna runs into his arms, and when I see the wince and hear the hiss of pain that leaves him when he catches her, I make a mental note to speak to her tonight about being careful with her grandpa.
“Oh, nothing.” I sigh. “Mom is just hell-bent on ruining my life.”
My dad shoots a questioning glance at my mom, and she shakes her head at him, having a silent conversation. “I brought up her crush on Endymion, and now she’s acting like it’s the end of the world.”
My dad chuckles. “Well, hopefully it won’t be too awkward for you tonight then, Selene. We’re having dinner with Endymion at the steakhouse.”
My mouth gapes.
Heart pounds.
Bile rises up my throat.
Oh, joy.
Kegman’s Steakhouse is one of the staples here in Dunsmuir. Usually when tourists are here during the winter months to see the snow or during the summer months to see the multitude of waterfalls, this place is packed. Locals normally steer clear during those times. At other times throughout the year, like tonight, it’s not too bad.
I’m a sweaty, nervous ball of energy while I try to mentally prepare myself for how tonight may go. My heart pounds wildly in my chest as we’re led to a table big enough to seat all of us. Of course, End is already here, looking as handsome as ever. Dressed in a red and black flannel over a white T-shirt that shows off his broad chest, he looks effortlessly casual. There’s something so rugged and manly about him now that he didn’t necessarily have when he was a rebel teen.
I remember so many things about End, but after spending so many years trying to forget the details, trying to forget every part of him, now that he’s here in the flesh, all those thoughts and feelings are rushing back. They’re bombarding my brain at full speed, filling my headspace with the most confusing thoughts.
Under the dim lights of the restaurant, his hair looks more of a sandy blond rather than its usual light brown, and it’s long enough now that it curls at the ends, near the nape of his neck, where his flannel collar is. There’s a light smattering of scruff dusted along his prominent jaw that I didn’t notice earlier. It’s almost as if he missed one day of shaving, and this is the outcome, a perfectly stubbled jawline.
When we approach the table and his emerald gaze locks with mine, my stomach flips. An airy sensation fills my chest, like someone is blasting cool air into my lungs. I quickly avert my gaze, clearly unsettled by how handsome he is.
“Hey, End. Hope we didn’t keep you waiting too long,” Dad says, as he sits next to him. Endymion waves him off.
“Not at all. Just got here myself.”
I pause when it comes time for me to sit. With my hand tightly gripped around Luna’s, I only have two options: sit across from Endymion or make my mother sit across from him. One would think their own mother would take the seat across from Endymion to make things less awkward. Of course, that’s too much to ask.
“Selene, sweetie, hurry up and sit.” I shoot a nasty glare at my mom over my shoulder, and my anger with her only grows when I notice the knowing gleam in her eyes.
What a shit.
I slide into the seat across from Endymion, and I settle Luna into the spot next to me. I suddenly feel like my skin is itchy and on fire, and I can’t seem to stop fidgeting. I have to keep fighting the urge to look up at End and stare, but instead, I force my gaze down, opening my menu and pretending to be deep in thought.
Dad and End start talking logistics of the expansion on the house, and I pretend the sound of End’s voice doesn’t stir something deep and primal inside me.
He broke your heart, Selene.
He is not a swoo
ny character in a romance novel.
“Mommy, can I sit with End and Papa?” Luna asks, snapping me out of my fake menu browsing.
My head jerks up at her question, and without permission, my gaze swings to End. He’s scrutinizing me much too closely for my liking. I feel his gaze burning into my flesh, marking me. I break out in a sweat and quickly look away, back down at Luna.
“Oh, I don’t know, baby. I think he wants to eat in peace—”
“I don’t mind,” Endymion cuts in, and I hear Luna’s victorious hoot as she fist bumps the air. It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell her no. This isn’t a good idea for so many reasons. I glance back up toward End, and my stomach dips. He seems sincere, as though he actually wants to have my daughter bug him while he eats.
Err—his daughter.
God, this is so screwed up.
What have I done?
I nod down at Luna, unable to voice my answer because of how guilty I’m suddenly feeling. It’s suffocating. I feel like I can’t breathe. A heavy weight sits on my chest, and it feels like if I make one wrong move, the weight will crack my sternum open and kill me. It only gets worse as I watch my daughter—our daughter—settle between her father and my father. It strikes me then, just how much she really does look like Endymion. They’re practically twins sitting there next to each other. And the smile gracing Luna’s face as she talks his ear off? It’s wider than I’ve seen in a really long time.
Lately, she’s been asking more and more about her father, and each time, it’s like a chip to my battered heart. It’s killing me to keep the truth from everyone, especially now. It all feels so…wrong. I thought I’d made the right choice, but clearly, I was wrong, and I see that now. Sitting across from Endymion and lying to them both is breaking my heart.
Pressure builds in my nose, and my eyes start to water when End says something to Luna that makes her laugh. It’s such a beautiful, lilting, carefree sound—it’s so her. When I feel a sudden wave of emotion roll over me, I rapidly blink, trying to keep the tears at bay.
“I’ll be back. I need to use the restroom,” I just about choke out.
The legs of my chair scrape the floor as I push away from the table and hurry into the bathroom. Thankfully, it’s empty, because the minute I step over the threshold, I fall apart. I cup a hand over my mouth and slam my eyes shut, letting the tears roll down my cheeks in hot torrents.
I’ve fucked up.
I kept a man, a good man, away from his child.
I kept my daughter away from her father.
All for what, my pride? Because I had a broken heart?
Even if I do try to fix this now, everyone will hate me. I’ll be turned into the monster. The woman who kept Endymion’s child from him. He’s going to hate me. And what will happen when he tries to fight me for custody of her? How am I going to justify my actions in court? I’ll lose her.
And I can’t lose her.
That little girl is my entire life and then some.
My hands tremble as I place them on the edges of the sink for support. I bow my head, trying to figure out how to fix this. I just need to take a few days to figure out how to break the news to Endymion, then to Luna. My parents are going to be so disappointed in me when they find out, but I can’t think about that right now.
Inhaling a shaky breath, I stand upright, squaring my shoulders and wiping my face clean of tears. I look like a mess. My eyes are puffy and bloodshot, and my nose is red. I look like Rudolph. There is no way I can hide my mess of a face from anyone, once I step foot out of this bathroom.
Thankful that my purse is still strapped around my shoulder, I dig through it, searching for anything that can help me look at least a fraction more put together than I do now. The universe must feel bad for laughing at me as often as it does because I get lucky when I find a tube of mascara and some tinted moisturizer. I squirt some lotion and rub it into my skin, breathing a sigh of relief when I see it covers most of the redness. I’m a little wary when I apply the mascara. I have no clue how long it’s been in my purse, and I wouldn’t be all that surprised if I woke up tomorrow with a sty on my lash line.
Would serve me right, I guess.
With one last glance in the mirror, semi-satisfied with how I look, I walk out, trying to remind myself to hold my head high and just focus on getting through tonight. I don’t need to worry about anything else other than getting through the rest of this dinner—
My breath gets knocked out of me when I slam into a hard wall. Only I realize when I glance up that it’s not a hard wall at all. It’s Endymion. His hands shoot out, gripping my upper arms to steady me, and my breath leaves me in a whoosh, like someone sucker punched me in the gut and stole the air straight from my lungs. His hands are like hot coals, burning through every layer of my skin, incinerating my flesh. When our gazes clash, I feel a shock roll through my system, part painful, part enticing.
There’s a long beat when we stand there, his hands still on me, and we just stare at each other. I lick my suddenly dry lips, and his eyes dip, following the movement. My heart pounds an aggressive staccato, a riot of emotions happening inside my body. I take a sudden step back from End, and his hands fall away from my arms. I miss the heat of his touch immediately.
He suddenly frowns down at me, taking notice of my face and the puffiness around my eyes. Taking a step toward me, he bends just a bit, trying to meet my eyes. “Hey, you okay?”
I trap my bottom lip between my teeth and bite down while I nod my head. I don’t trust myself to say anything. It’s best if I keep my mouth shut. Because the way things are sounding in my head at the moment? I’m on the verge of telling him everything right here, right now in the hallway of a steakhouse outside of the bathrooms.
He deserves better than that.
Luna deserves better than that.
“Did something happen—?” he starts to ask, but we both startle at the voice a few feet to the right of us.
“Selene? Is that you?” My brows tug down at the inquisition, and I turn toward the source. “Hell, it is you. I thought you left Dunsmuir years ago?”
“James?” I cough, choking on my saliva.
What the hell is happening right now?
James was one of my first boyfriends in town, even though we never shared a kiss or basically did anything other than hold hands. He always knew about my crush on Endymion, which makes me standing here with Endymion, of all people, so damn awkward. The breakup wasn’t on the best of terms. He called me an idiot for pining after someone who’d never love me back, and honestly, he wasn’t wrong.
“God, how long has it been?” he asks, grinning at me. It seems he hasn’t taken notice of Endymion yet.
“Almost six years. I was in Pasadena for a while. I’m back now but not sure for how long.”
James’s grin widens. “That’s great. You look…wow, you look beautiful, Selene.”
His gaze travels up and down my body, lingering on my face, and a tremble wracks my body with embarrassment. I quickly glance at Endymion out of the corner of my eye, and he’s watching the entire interaction with an odd glower on his face. He crosses his thick arms over his chest, scrutinizing James.
I tuck stray hairs behind my ear, feeling uneasy. Everything about this interaction feels awkward. “Thank you,” I mumble, shifting on my feet.
“We should get together sometime. Hang out and catch up.”
At this, Endymion clears his throat, and James finally takes notice of him. His eyes widen, and they dart back and forth between us, as though he’s slowly processing the situation.
“I don’t have much free time on my hands these days. I have a five-year-old to keep up with,” I say, trying to let him down easily.
His brows shoot up into his hairline, shock registering on his face. “Holy shit, you have a kid?” He looks down at my body pointedly. “Wow. I mean, you’d never be able to tell. You look great.”
Universe, please just swallow me whole now. Please, for the l
ove of God.
“Wait, are you two…Did you two finally get together? I guess that crush you had on him finally paid off, right?” James points at Endymion and me. My mouth drops open in shock, and when I look at Endymion for help, he’s biting back a smile, as though he suddenly finds all of this funny. He peers down at me, and I can clearly see the mirth dancing in his gaze.
“No. We’re…He’s just…No.” I shake my head, unable to form a single articulate sentence. James frowns at this, obviously noticing how flustered I am.
“Well, if that’s the case, and you really are single, I’d love to take you out sometime.” Without giving me a chance to respond, James pulls me into a hug that lingers about five seconds too long. “I’ll see you around, Selene.” I watch him walk away, my jaw still unhinged as I work to process what just happened.
What are the odds of running into James while I’m with Endymion, of all people?
God, I hate small towns.
I risk a glance at Endymion, expecting to find him smirking still, but he’s not smirking now at all. His gaze is narrowed on James’s retreating back as if he’s angry.
What the hell does he have to be angry about?
“We should probably head back,” I mumble, drawing his attention back to me. Instead of moving, he just stands there, his gaze searching mine. The way he regards me makes me feel exposed. It’s unsettling. I feel as if he’s seeing everything when he looks at me. And when one is hiding as many secrets as I am, that is a dangerous thing.
Figures.
For once in my life, I feel like Endymion is finally seeing me, and surprisingly, it’s not what I want anymore.
Or at the very least, that’s what I tell myself.
“Right,” he breathes, nodding his head, as if he’s having an intense conversation with himself.
On the way back to our table, I swear, conversations cease as we pass others. I can feel their eyes on us. It has my neck prickling with awareness and discomfort.
“Everyone keeps staring at us,” I whisper under my breath, suddenly feeling panicked. I feel Endymion step closer as we weave through the tables. His body heat warms me from head to toe, and his proximity and distinct smell percolate around me, making my heart skip beats dangerously.