by Jamie Knight
And convenient. That one hurts the most. Literally, any other girl could take my place, and it wouldn’t really matter. Jameson probably could have gotten himself a prettier girl, too. Someone he might actually want to be with. He’s just going to string me along like he did in high school, and he doesn’t even know it!
I sit down at the desk and open up one of my textbooks. Is there really any use fixating on what I can and cannot do in regards to Jameson? I can’t make him like me.
Flipping through my sports medicine book, I can barely focus on any of the words. They’re all just one big blur to me, not making much of any sense. I need to actually get work done over these six weeks. Jameson will be on the road a lot, so, hopefully, when he’s gone I won’t be tense.
There’s a knock at the door, and I hear it open. I almost jump out of my seat. I don’t turn around because I know Jameson is the one standing by the door.
“Hey, I just wanted to say goodnight.”
“Mmhm,” I barely respond, not wanting to have an actual conversation.
A couple of seconds later, I hear the door closing and his footsteps receding. Finally, I turn around, but, obviously the door is closed. Maybe I should have been nicer and said something, but I felt like if I spoke to him, I would have revealed a little bit too much about how I’m feeling.
I turn back to my book and stare at it because what else am I going to do knowing Jameson is right next door? I need to stay distracted.
Chapter Nine
Jameson
I was just about to ask Jenny about my friends-with-benefits idea, but my sister showed up out of the blue. Maybe it’s for the best. I was about to enter into complicated territory with that question.
And I shouldn’t be surprised that Selena has popped up. She probably saw some random news story or got a notification on her phone about my engagement, something I was very much hoping to avoid discussing with anyone in my family. A pipe dream, clearly, but a dream nonetheless. And Selena came loaded with a lot of questions like she always does. Jenny must have gotten overwhelmed because she left for her room.
“You know what Jamie, you got a lot of nerve hiding your fiancée like that. I mean, you didn’t think to call me when you and her were starting to get serious? Or when you proposed?”
This is the downside of faking an engagement out of the blue. When Selena puts it like that, it sounds pretty bad. She probably thinks I’m back to my jerk ways.
“I don’t know, Selena. Things with Jenny were pretty whirlwind. I didn’t think it was going to get so serious because of me needing to focus on getting back in shape and my physical therapy. But we kept making dates, and I liked hanging out with her, and, now, we’re engaged.”
My sister crosses her arms. I’m not sure if she’s buying my story. I’m pretty sure Selena wouldn’t spill the beans or anything if I told her that the engagement was actually a farce, but I don’t want her to know what I’ve got going on here. Honestly, it’s a little embarrassing, and I’m sure she’d have a few scolding words for me.
“Are you at least going to keep me more in the loop now? I’d like to come to your wedding and stuff.”
“Yes, I promise.”
Hopefully this thing doesn’t go for so long that we have to start planning a fake wedding. That’s when I’ll know I’ve taken this whole charade too far.
“You know I just worry about you,” Selena says frowning. “Before the accident, you were going around being a massive dick. And then, after the accident, you were so sad, barely talking to anyone.” That’s my sister, always honest. The fact that she’s never held back is what always gets through to me.
“I remember, all of it, but I’m in a better place now. Seeing that therapist really helped.”
“So, you’re really in a good place, right now? Like, really, really?”
I know she’s talking about this romance with Jenny, but, in actuality, I am feeling better about myself in general. There are things in my life that I want to change, but I have goals I’m working towards. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
“I am.”
“Okay, then there’s no excuse for all this secrecy!” she teases. “You need to call Mom and Dad. You know they stopped watching any stories about you, so this will all be news to them.”
Ugh, I am going to have to tell my parents. Or maybe this is a promise I could conveniently forget. If this engagement only lasts six weeks, then I may never need to tell them. I’ll just need to find a way to keep Selena from talking. Or she could be the point of communication. My parents mean well, but they still haven’t gotten over my whole being a piece of shit faze, not that I blame them. I was a real piece of shit.
“Okay, I’ll call them tomorrow and let them know everything that’s going on.”
There’s a very high chance I won’t because I don’t really want to. But if they do end up finding out maybe they’ll just be happy that I’m settling down or whatever. I guess it doesn’t have to be a whole big deal.
“Good, I’m going to make sure you do, so don’t forget.”
Ugh. Not telling my parents might not be a viable option with Selena around.
“Anyway, I’ll talk to you later,” she continues, while heading to my front door. “I want to hear about how your first practice went, but I can’t stay.”
I say goodbye to my sister. I love hanging out with her, but tonight was extra stressful. It sucks that I have to lie, but what’s the point of telling her exactly what’s going on. It won’t do her any good. It’ll just upset her.
I should probably go talk to Jenny. She might be freaking out. I’m well aware that Selena can be a lot for anyone to handle. She’s the sweetest, and I love my sister, but there’s a lot of energy there.
I go to the guest room door and knock. I don’t get an answer, so I open it slightly, not wanting to freak Jenny out.
“Hey, I just wanted to say goodnight.”
“Mmhm,” is the only answer I get. She doesn’t even turn around to look at me.
I don’t want to disturb her, so I close the door and leave. It’s clear to me the moment to suggest an FWB situation has passed. Maybe it’s for the best. Having the story leak has caused a whole host of other issues that need to be solved. Sex will just have to be tabled.
But I don’t feel like thinking about those other issues right now. I want sex. I want her. I can’t help it, which sucks. It’s not like Jenny and I are a real relationship. I’m helping her out, so if she’s ignoring me it’s fine. I can’t focus on that fact that Jenny refused to even look at me. It hurt a lot more than I thought it would though, but I have to get over it. That’s all this is. A little tit-for-tat.
Jesus, I need to stop thinking about this so much. I was going to try and get some stuff done tonight, that was my plan when I started my day, but, at this point, I’m way too tired to do anything except go into my room and fall onto my bed. I pull my pants off, leaving just my underwear and t-shirt. I get as comfortable as I can before grabbing the remote. Maybe watching something will distract me.
I turn on the T.V., and the first program that pops up is some sports show. They start off talking about some predictions for the Superbowl, but then the newscaster suddenly cuts to a different story. That story being about my engagement. This is something I absolutely do not want to watch, so I start switching channels. But each one I flip to is running the same story, down to the local news. And, to make matters worse, they’re dredging up all my past bad behavior along with photo evidence.
“Sources close to Kendrick say he’s recently engaged to the mystery woman seen in these pictures. While we do not have much information on her, things seem to be very serious between the two. However, the main question on everybody’s mind is, has the star player really changed his ways?”
I turn it off because I can’t deal with this right now. Will I ever get past that bad boy image I made for myself? I know it’s only been six months, but it’s still irksome as hell. I g
uess I’m just going to have to ignore the news.
I lie down, thinking I’ll be able to get some sleep. I close my eyes, willing my brain to shut down, but it doesn’t work. My mind can’t get over the fact that Jenny is the room next to mine. I turn on my side to face away from the wall next to her bedroom, but that doesn’t do a damn thing. I’m not even sure what I was expecting to happen.
Am I just about to toss and turn all night because I’m hot and bothered? Fuck!
I sit up in my bed, fully aware I’m not about to get a wink of sleep. I don’t want to watch anything cause I’m mad at my T.V., and I can’t fall asleep. What’s even the point of staying in my room?
I get out of my bed and head to the kitchen. Maybe eating some food will make me feel better.
Chapter Ten
Jameson
When I wander into the kitchen, I find Jenny standing by the stove. Her back is to me, and I don’t think she’s noticed my presence yet. I don’t want to freak her out, I feel like my mere existence does that. I’m trying to figure out what to do, but I take too long because Jenny turns around. She sees me, and her eyes go wide as she bumps into the stove almost knocking a pot over.
“Oh my goodness!” Her hand goes to her heart. She swallows, trying to catch her breath. “Sorry, you scared me.”
“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you or anything. I was surprised to find you in the kitchen.”
“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep.” I hear whatever is in the pot behind her boiling. She looks down at the stove and turns it off, moving the pot to another burner. “Um, I was making some hot chocolate. Do you want a cup?”
“I’d love one.”
I watch as Jenny gets another mug and pours some cocoa for the both of us. Then I remember I have a little something stored away.
“Just a second,” I tell her. I go to the cupboard where I keep all my sweet things and pull out an unopened bag of marshmallows. “I thought maybe these would go well with some hot chocolate.”
“Ooo, marshmallows!” Jenny takes the bag from my hand, ripping it open and putting a whole lot into her mug.
“Gonna save a few for me?” I joke.
“I don’t know,” Jenny shrugs, grabbing a handful and shoving them into her mouth.
I am so unprepared for her actions that it takes a few seconds before the laugh finally escapes. It starts off small but grows and grows. It’s making me realize I haven’t laughed like this in months. Maybe longer. It feels amazing. Like my whole body is expanding with happiness.
Jenny joins in, her light laughter floating over mine. My apartment has never seen such a joyous evening. Hopefully, it’ll see a few more before Jenny leaves.
“Okay, you can have some,” Jenny concedes. She passes me the bag and then puts my mug of cocoa on the counter in front of me. I place considerably less marshmallows than her in mine, ready to take a nice, long sip.
“I haven’t had hot chocolate in… I don’t know how long,” I comment.
I’m holding the mug with both of my hands, letting the warmth seep through my palms. The chocolate smells heavenly. As an athlete, I don’t get many chances to be unhealthy, so I try to relish these moments.
“Well, bottoms up,” Jenny says before taking a sip.
I follow suit and drink what is essentially melted chocolate. Thick and viscous, it hits my tongue, the deliciousness going down my throat.
“Holy shit!” I was not expecting it to be this rich.
“Oh, I should have added milk! Sometimes I forget people don’t all have my insane sweet tooth.”
“No, no. It’s delicious. I was just expecting something totally different.” I take another sip to show her I actually like it, which I do. I’m not sure if I can drink this entire mug, though.
We continue sipping, enjoying our drinks in silence. It’s quite nice. These quiet moments have become pretty important to me these past couple of months. Having a quieter life in general has become important.
It seems like I found a perfect roommate in Jenny.
She finishes her cup way before I do — Jenny was not lying about that sweet tooth. She puts her mug down on the counter and looks up at me from under her lashes. She’s not saying anything, but I can tell she wants to. Maybe I can open up the floor for her to talk.
“Thanks for the cocoa,” I hold up my very unfinished mug before placing it back down the counter. “Also, thanks for bailing me out. I really appreciate it.”
“Well, you’re helping me out, too. So, I guess we’re even.”
That’s not what I was expecting to hear. I’m waiting to see if she more to say, but she turns to walk out of the kitchen. I guess it was all in my head then.
I’m about to put everything in the sink and clean up before going to bed, when I hear a sharp intake of breath behind me. I turn to see Jenny standing in the doorframe of her bedroom.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just wanted to ask you a question.”
“Go ahead.”
“Why do you need a fiancée? I know all about your history and other stuff, but couldn’t you just weather another questionable fling. I mean, you’ve gotten through so many of them before,” that comment stings a little. “I’m sure if people assumed we’d had… sex, I could just be another one-night stand or whatever.”
She’s fidgeting with her hands, clearly uncomfortable with asking me this question. I feel a little awkward too. I don’t like thinking about stuff like this. I mean, my therapist has told me in order to move on I need to accept that my past. Being in denial won’t get me anywhere.
“I’m not sure,” I start to answer. “I mean, I’m kind of sure, but not totally, if that makes sense. In the moment, it just slipped out. But the reason I asked you to go through with it is I really want to change my ways. Seeing all that stuff in the news about me, it gave me a shit feeling about myself.”
“So, you want to be a better person and stuff?”
“Yeah,” I shrug, “I guess.”
Some of the tension seems to seep out of Jenny, but I can still tell she’s not fully comfortable. I take a step closer to her and then another one. She doesn’t back away or flinch, so I keep going. Soon, we’re toe to toe, looking into one another’s eyes.
“What are you doing?”
I bend my head towards her, placing my lips on her lips. She makes a startled noise but doesn’t move away from me. Her mouth molds to mine, feeling soft and supple. Just from this one kiss, I can tell that she’s inexperienced. But even with her inexperience, this is the most sensual kiss I’ve ever had. Her hands dig into my shirt, and she makes a little squeak in her throat. This is pretty weird for me, the way Jenny’s making me feel.
But it’s probably because I haven’t been with anyone since my accident.
I could kiss Jenny for hour, but I break our embrace because there’s something I want to ask her. I want to teach her everything she needs to know, so the two of us can find the ultimate pleasure in one another. I want to feel every last inch of her skin and explore her body from head to toe.
I rest my forehead on hers, eyes closed from the feeling of being overwhelmed. This is spectacularly different from every other time.
I take a deep breath.
I need to ready myself to ask Jenny this question. It shouldn’t be such a big deal, it’s not like I’m asking to be my girlfriend or anything. Like I said before, I don’t think an actual relationship would benefit either one of us. Not really. I’m in a super weird place, and it sounds like Jenny has a lot going on herself. But, still, this question has considerable weight to it for me.
It’s been a while for me.
I open my eyes to see Jenny starring directly at me. I swallow the lump in my throat and tell her what I want to tell her.
“So, I was wondering if you wanted to maybe keep this going?”
“What do you mean?” she breathes, her breath skirting on my skin. I almost go to kiss her again, but hold back, needing to fini
sh this conversation.
“I was thinking since we’ll be helping one another out for a little while, we could maybe have some fun with it.”
“Fun with it?”
“Yeah, a sort of loose arrangement?”
Jenny takes a second, but then the realization comes across her face. The second I see it, I regret my decision to ask. I should have known someone like her wouldn’t be down for an arrangement like that. I must be beyond stupid. I mean, she’s probably a virgin.
“So, like friends with benefits,” her voice is suddenly very flat.
I pick my forehead off hers, but still stay close, not ready to fully let go.
“Look, just forget –”
“You know what, Jameson? I would like you to get off of me,” she stops talking, wiggling her shoulders to push me further back. I move a few steps away, creating a considerable gap between us. “I don’t think we should make things complicated, so I’m going to go to sleep, and you can do whatever the hell you want.”
Jenny steps a few steps back until she’s fully in her room before shutting the door with a bit of force. I stay standing in my spot for a few seconds, chastising myself for being such a fucking idiot. I must have been fully thinking with my dick because what on God’s green earth made me think that Jenny was going to let a request like that fly. I’ve probably just ruined all the goodwill I’d built up. Ruined it in less than a minute.
She’s going to think all that talk about me wanting to change my ways was total bullshit. I seriously screwed up. I’m going to need to find a way to make this up to her. I should definitely give her some space, though. So, tonight, I’m just going to go back into my room and remind myself to never be that God damn dumb again.
I clear out the kitchen and turn the lights off before heading to my room. Plopping back on my bed, I still can’t fall asleep. After all of that, my mind is still racing like a horse in a derby. I’m all revved up from the kiss. I can’t believe a close-mouthed kiss has gotten me so hot and bothered that I can’t even fall asleep. This is not who I am.