by Shari Low
32
Carly’s House, Twenty Minutes Later
I Have Nothing – Whitney Houston
When I opened the door of my house, there was complete silence, and my first thought was that everyone had abandoned me. My boys had taken me up on my suggestion, they’d gone to Mark’s house, and he was already petitioning the courts for sole custody. Perhaps I’d be allowed weekly visits as long as I was supervised and searched on the way in for cheese graters. It had been at least an hour since my last major catastrophisation so I was due one.
It was only when I got near the closed kitchen door that I heard the sound of a voice. Then another. Then another. Then…
‘Cooper!’ Kate’s startled reaction when I opened the door.
It was like the Last Supper. Only in Chiswick. With better shoes.
The whole framily was there: Kate, Jess, Carol, Val, Toni and Charlie sitting at the kitchen table, none of the first four showing any signs of jet lag. Mark, Bruce and Callum were standing over at the sink with my boys. The thought struck me that Mark looked like he’d never left. Like he belonged there.
‘Mum!’ that was Benny and it came with the biggest grin and the tightest hug.
I squeezed him until my arms hurt, milking the moment in case the police had second thoughts and stormed back in for me.
‘Ha, it’s Al Capone.’ Mac. Of course. As soon as I released his brother, he stepped into his place.
I tried to read the boys’ reactions and the atmosphere in the rest of the room, but I was so tired and drained I wasn’t sure I was getting it. This couldn’t be right. No-one seemed pissed off at me. Even Mark had stopped scowling. But what mattered most was…
‘Toni, I’m so sorry. I really am.’ I was so anxious, that my voice had risen a couple of octaves. ‘You know I’d never do anything to embarrass you. At least, not deliberately.’
‘She’s never had any control over the accidental stuff though. She used to have me pure mortified with her antics,’ Val interjected. It wasn’t helpful.
‘I hope you can forgive me, Toni,’ I went on, feeling utter despair that all the progress we’d made to rebuild her self-esteem and get her back to a happy place had been undone.
There was a silence as I waited to hear my fate. I could mess up my own life. In fact, I’d done it on several occasions. But I just couldn’t do that to anyone else. They didn’t deserve it. Especially not the kids.
‘They want you and Mum to go on Loose Women,’ Toni blurted.
‘They’re going to name and shame us?’ I gasped, already picturing the look of scorn on Holly Willoughby’s face.
‘No! They think you’re both fab! They loved the video. Actually, they wanted me to go on too, but I passed. I said I’d talk to Heat though. I think it’s important that I speak up for people this happens to.’
‘What? I don’t understand. I didn’t embarrass you?’ She didn’t look mortified or sad at all. She looked… determined. Strong. Empowered.
‘Yeah, you did.’
Ouch. I’d been hoping for a reprieve on that one. Now we were getting to the truth of it.
‘But my face isn’t shown anywhere and even if the photo goes viral – which it probably will – it’s just my body with nothing actually showing. Taylor wouldn’t dare post the other photo now that the police are involved. Part of me hates that everyone is talking about me, but I didn’t do this, so I’m not going to let it define me.’
Well, snap, girlfriend. These kids were so much more mature than we ever were. Or are now, actually.
Carol put down her mug. I suspect it had something other than coffee in it. Actually, maybe that’s what was happening here. They were all under the influence of something. ‘The post got so much publicity that we’ve been inundated with calls from the media.’
‘I know – Free The Chiswick Cheese Slicer.’ I admitted, cheeks flushing with mortification.
‘Yep, that’s it,’ she laughed. ‘The public is on our side. People are sick of guys like Taylor Fuckwidget using stuff like this against innocent women and girls. Cooper, if anyone should be apologising, it’s me. And I have. To Toni. At least a dozen times. I was the one who messed up by posting it. I’m sorry to you, too. You were just protecting my daughter and I’ve landed you in a police station.’
‘It’s okay, I’m not getting charged,’ I told her quickly, desperate to set her mind at ease.
‘I know. Christopher Atwell called Mark and told him.’
‘Oh. I kinda wanted to break that news,’ I said, a little deflated.
My gaze automatically went to Mark. After all his outrage, I was looking forward to letting him know he had nothing to worry about. He wouldn’t have to spend the next period of his life bringing the kids to visit their mum in prison. Always a bonus.
‘Sorry if he stole your lightning,’ Carol said, immediately sussing what I was thinking. Actually, now I was thinking about thunder, but this wasn’t the time to be pedantic.
‘All right, sis?’ Callum said, budging in beside me on the kitchen bench and giving me a hug.
‘I am now. Are you still talking to me?’
‘Absolutely. I wouldn’t have expected less than what you did. You were looking out for my girl. Even if it did cause a national scandal. Do me a favour, though. I love you, but don’t go on holiday with my wife again. My heart can’t take it.’
He kissed my cheek, then got up and wandered back over to where the menfolk were gathered.
The relief was indescribable. So that only left Mark to reason with later. He’d been furious this morning, and I wasn’t sure if he’d calmed down or if he was just putting on a show because I was no longer on a wanted list. Right now, I just wanted to soak in the strange turn this had all taken and enjoy the moment, celebrate the fact that my family hadn’t disowned me.
‘So, Toni, tell me all about this interview with Heat.’
33
Later That Night
Think – Aretha Franklin
‘That was some day,’ Mark said, as he picked up another empty beer bottle and put it in the half-full black plastic bag he was carrying in his other hand.
It was almost midnight and the last of the stragglers had just left. Kate and Bruce had gone back next door, Jess had gone home to wait for her ex to drop off Josh. Callum and Carol and the girls had headed off to plan their media activity, taking Val with them. The last words I heard her say as she went down the path were, ‘If you go on This Morning, I’m coming. I love that Phil Schofield, especially since he stopped dyeing his hair.’ And finally, Mac and Benny had gone next door to the living room to launch an invasion on the PS4. They seemed to have completely brushed off everything that happened this morning and emerged unscathed from their mother’s criminal antics.
I took my glass of wine and opened the back door, then sat on the step. ‘I’m just enjoying the breeze,’ I told Mark, then added over-dramatically, ‘when you almost lose your freedom, you start to appreciate these things.’
His sense of humour seemed to have returned because he laughed, then put the bag down, grabbed his beer and joined me on the step.
‘I’m sorry about this morning,’ he said, gently nudging my shoulder with his. ‘I totally overreacted. I guess my ability to roll with the punches has got lost along the way somewhere.’
‘You could be right,’ I said, softly. ‘I warned you though.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Twenty years ago. When we met again at Callum and Carol’s wedding. I think I was sitting in a tree, crying in my bridesmaid dress after I’d done something mortifying and you asked me if my life was always a drama or a disaster. I told you it was, and you said you’d get used to it. I don’t think you ever did.’
He smiled at the memory, but it was tinged with something else. Maybe sadness or regret. ‘I guess I was more of a prude than I realised.’
‘Not a prude,’ I argued. ‘Just someone who prefers to play life safe. I get that. I really do.’
> He sighed. ‘How come I feel like I can hear a “but” coming?’
‘But it’s not me,’ I said, delivering it. ‘I love you, Mark…’
‘Ah shit, another “but” is on the way,’ he groaned.
‘But we’re not the right fit any more. I think I’ve realised now that when we were young, the whole opposites-attract thing worked for us. I loved your stability. I loved the safety I felt when I was with you. I’d grown up in such a hot mess of a house, with a pissed dad and a mum that didn’t much care, so you gave me the same feeling as I’ve always had when I’m with the girls: like I belong. Like they’ve got my back. They care.’
Where was all this coming from? It was like I’d cracked open my soul, all this emotion and insight was just pouring out and I couldn’t make it stop, even though it was making my heart hurt.
‘Back then, you loved that I was wild and unpredictable. It intrigued you. Amused you. But the thing is, that doesn’t work for a lifetime. One of us had to change and it was me. I became smaller. Stopped chasing my dreams. Settled for normality. I fitted around your way of living, instead of holding on to mine. Please don’t think I’m blaming you for that. It was all me. I let it happen.’
‘I can see that,’ he said mournfully, ‘and I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. Like I said, it was my choice, and the truth is, I’d do it again for our boys to turn out exactly the way they are. This is the life I chose because I wanted them to grow up with all the safety and stability I never had.’
‘Another “but”?’ he asked.
‘But it’s not right for me now.’
He winced when I said that, but I kept going.
‘I think losing Sarah was the turning point. I was too broken to keep the act up. And it’s a cliché, but it made me realise that life is short. That’s why I wanted to separate. I couldn’t keep living a life that wasn’t right.’
‘Carly, please… I told you in New York, I know I’ve made mistakes too. I went too much the other way, cared too much about doing things right, not stepping out of line, building financial security…’
‘Is this where you try to woo me with your pension?’ I asked, teasing him. To his credit, he laughed with the joke and I wished, for a moment, that I could make this work, that we could start from scratch with open minds and optimism, but I knew we couldn’t. ‘I know you think you want to take risks and make life an adventure, but I also know that’s not you, Mark. This morning proved that.’ It wasn’t a rebuke or a criticism, just a statement of fact. ‘Something bizarre and unpredictable happened and you freaked out, went straight to furious. And I immediately shrank back. The truth is, I was sorry for embarrassing you and Toni and the boys – although Mac told me today that I’m badass and he made it sound like a good thing…’
That made him smile.
‘But I wasn’t sorry for what I did. That prick deserved it and I’d do it again. I should have stood my ground when you were going off on one, I should have defended myself, held my head high, but I didn’t. I changed who I am for you and I can’t keep doing that. And you can’t change who you are for me. I’m sorry.’
He didn’t say anything for a long time, just sat there, staring ahead, processing it all. It was more proof of what I’d just said. I wanted a man who would fight for me. Inside, down really deep, I was still the same person I was at eighteen. I was the girl who went off looking for adventure, who fell in love hard, who wanted someone who would declare his love and sweep her off her feet. Okay, so now the only guy with the muscle to pick me up and sweep me anywhere would be The Rock, but the sentiment remained. For twenty years, I’d kept that girl down. It was time she got to come out and live her life again.
‘I should argue, but I can’t,’ he said honestly. ‘I know you’re right. I just hate it.’
‘Yeah, I’ve always hated it when you’re right too. I tended to deal with it by calling you names under my breath and using your razor to shave my legs. Sorry about that too.’
Another sad smile as he shook his head and another silence while we both processed what we were saying. We were done. Our marriage was definitely over. Perhaps, in time, we’d see that something much better had been left behind.
‘Friends?’ I asked him, praying that he’d accept this. For the boys’ sakes, but for ours too.
After a moment, he put his arm around me. ‘Friends.’
I should probably have drawn a line under that and bowed out while the going was good, but that was the thing: I didn’t want to, and hadn’t I just promised myself that I was going to live on my own terms from now on?
‘There’s something else,’ I said, before I could change my mind. ‘You might not like it, but eventually you’ll see that it’s for the best.’
‘Oh God, I don’t know if I’m ready for this,’ he groaned.
‘The thing is, it involves the boys, so you need to be.’
I spent the next half-hour telling him everything, and to his credit, he listened, didn’t comment, argue or judge.
‘What do you think?’ I asked him when I was done.
‘I think I really hate it,’ he said eventually and I could see the pain and despondence in every crease of his face. ‘But I think you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do and I’ve got to get used to it. Go do your thing, Carly.’
‘Really?’ I hadn’t expected that. I’d been braced for arguments, for him to push back and fight for what he wanted. He didn’t. And relieved as I was, there was a little piece of me that knew that lack of passion was exactly why it was time to say goodbye to our marriage. I wanted more.
‘Really. Fuck, I hate being the mature one,’ he said with a low, rueful chuckle.
‘I hate that you’re so mature too.’ It was true, but I said it gently, bumping his shoulder with mine. There was a pause, as we both shifted to the new landscape, adjusted to what we’d just agreed.
‘Thank you, Mark,’ I said eventually. ‘I need you to know something though. If I could go back, I’d make all the same choices. I’ve loved you beyond words and I’m so thankful that we’ve spent the last twenty years together.’
We were both blinking back tears now. ‘Likewise, Cooper. It’s been some ride.’
I reached over and hugged him for a long time. ‘I love you, Mark Barwick. Always will.’
His voice was husky as he replied, ‘You too, my love. You too.’
We sat like that for a while, calm, reflective, my head on his shoulder, until he broke the silence. ‘We should tell the boys soon. I don’t want them to get any mixed messages.’
‘You’re right. Let’s do it now. Let’s go ask them if they’d be ok with it.’
He inhaled sharply. ‘Now? I was thinking maybe tomorrow. You know, limit the life changing events to one a day.’ That made me laugh.
‘Here’s the thing you never understood, Mark,’ I teased him. ‘Sometimes in life, you’ve just got to close your eyes and jump in. And it’s time for me to make a fuck-off big splash.’
34
The Next Morning
Good As Hell – Lizzo
‘You sure about this, guys?’ I asked them, as I was bent double at the kitchen table, pulling on my ankle boots. ‘You know, I understand if you want to stay with your dad, and he meant it when he said that was okay with him too.’ I didn’t want to say that I was happy beyond words that they’d stuck with me, but I felt it in every single piece of my heart. Mark and I had explained everything to them last night, and then told them my plan for today. If they’d objected, I would have scrapped everything, so I’d held my breath as they went from surprise, to contemplation, and then – when they saw that their dad was cool with it – to something between excitement (Mac) and calm, happy acceptance (Benny). When Mark left, it was with hugs, love, a little regret, but the absolute certainty that we were doing the right thing and we were all going to be fine.
Now, I’d only asked my boys if they were sure because I wanted to check their feelings hadn’t changed overni
ght.
‘Hell no,’ Mac exclaimed, taking the last bite of his toast. ‘I’m not missing this for anything.’
‘Me either,’ Benny said. ‘Even if it’s a disaster. It might be like one of those horror movies that you can’t stop watching even though the serial killer has a machete.’
‘Thanks for that. I’ll bear it in mind. Nothing can be as bad as a serial killer with a machete,’ I said, chuckling despite the nerves that were flipping my stomach from side to side. ‘Okay, I’ll go watch for the taxi. I’ll shout you when it gets here.’
In the lounge, I stared out the window thinking how absolutely apt this was.
When I was eighteen years old, I’d packed up and gone off to Amsterdam with no money, no job, just the hope that I’d land on my feet.
When I was thirty, I quit my job and my flat, and went off to find all the men I’d ever loved, with the hope that one of them would be the right guy.
And now? I clearly hadn’t learned a thing because I was almost fifty, and here I was going off to apologise to a man I loved, with just the vague hope that he wouldn’t slam the door in my face.
This was crazy. Ridiculous. Completely irresponsible.
Yet, despite the terror, I couldn’t stop grinning because I hadn’t felt this alive in a long, long, time.
I spotted the approaching car. ‘There’s the taxi. Right, boys, let’s go, and even if you think it’s a really bad idea, just humour me, okay?’
We bundled everything into the car, three bodies, two backpacks and a trolley case, and told the driver we were off to Heathrow. Only twenty-four hours since I landed there, I was going back. I was going to apologise to Sam. I was going to tell him how I felt and…
My phone started ringing in my bag and it took me a moment to find it, to fish it out, and to see Kate’s name flashing up.