Bloom (If I Don't Know Who I Am, How Do I Know I'm Not a God?)
Page 7
Fawn giggles again, buoyant with relief as she tugs my hand, and I drift back down.
“We’re the same now.”
I see it when she meets my eyes. Hers are as pitch dark as I know my own are. Just like my wings, and when she smiles, killer little fangs she didn’t have before, glint in the morning light.
If I still had a heart, it would rush as I turn toward the horizon. Instead, my wings twitch as I watch impossible amber rays break across a violet sky and dapple sapphire waves with their brightness.
Fawn looks with me for a moment, laying her head on my chest and wrapping her arms around my waist. She kisses my skin as I hold her, and I want to find her eyes again, but I can’t stop staring at the sky.
I remember everything now.
Everything there was.
And everything there wasn’t.
Baby brand new tilts her head up, but I can’t turn mine yet.
Even as I watch shades of mauve glow into pure blue and the tide glisten tourmaline bright, I can’t believe it. I look until it hurts to keep looking, and even then, I don’t want to look away.
“What?” Fawn asks, voice as soft as her fingertips, soothing precarious wings. “What is it?”
I close my eyes, and smile when I can still feel its rays.
It was gone so long, I forgot how good it felt.
“The sun.”
Bloom
If I don’t know who I am,
how do I know I’m not a god?
a spin-off / side-take from
#prays
littlegreyache.tumblr.com/tagged/prays
acknowledgments
To Beach House, Mogwai, The Acid, The Weeknd, Nightmares on Wax, Maala, The Glitch Mob, Two Feet, Troye Sivan, The XX, Stevie Nicks, Alina Baraz, BANKS, Goldeater, Fever Ray, Big Black Delta, Juice WRLD, and Wolf Alice. To Brand New, because literally everything I write has roots I still find between your chords, and to Lil Peep, because suddenly there you were, and so much I was working on fell and fell and fell right into place. Thank you all for making music that moves and holds my heart, for sharing your work and for being right there while I translated this love from sounds and sights and feelings, into words.
To Amy Sage Webb, for inspiring me then and now, and for teaching me about crossing the distance.
To Juan and Kevin, not just for all the coffee one writer can drink (it’s a lot okay), but for being the first people I’ve ever worked for to acknowledge I’m a writer first. Thank you for all your kindness and for giving me a place to work that’s become my favorite ever. I love you guys.
To Nicola Enslin, Peta Ashfold, Patrizia Adamo, Sophie Dickson, Wendi Collins, Coree Mueller, Raina Thorsen, Kirstie Padilla, Nicole Hampson, Jac Negrete, Jamie DiFrancesa, Jannat Ferdous, Blanca Esquivel, Paola Dei Libri, Jennifer King, Karuna Riazi (you’ll always be carebear to me<3<3), Katie Winkles, Sofia Foster, Ayden Morgen, Alex Owens, Valnice Silva, Daphne Blake, Robin Vaugt Parrish, Stacey Parker, Mollie Iglesias, Mist Mandy, Maylin, packy, cappy, squib, shalu, jusraj, jandco, chicklette, and littlebritelights - two of the best things this life has to offer brought us together. Books and music. At one time or another, you’ve been there for me. We’ve WC’d or traded songs. You’ve sent me something that made you think of Dusty, or Petey, lamb, CL, Marc and Lacie - and it lit my whole soul up. You’ve shared in this incredible, intimate, magical, wild thing that makes me, me - this writing. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I love all of you.
To Autumn, for asking about this project and talking about it with me. For asking about and talking about every project with me. That means more to me than you know. And for reading this even though it might not be so much your thing anymore. For beach sand and city sidewalk walks. Shows and sleepovers. Coffee and cocktails. Thank you for being there from The Worst of Weather to every Brand New thing. Let’s get to the Russian Vodka Room soon. I love you.
To Cerece, for inviting me to an anthology and starting all of this. For believing in my work and encouraging me, and inspiring me to do something new. For inspiring me just by being you. I look up to you so much and am so grateful for our friendship. This project literally would not exist without you. I could thank you every day for the rest of my life and it wouldn’t be enough. I love these two so much and they wouldn’t be without you. Thank you. With all, all of my heart, thank you. I can’t wait to get together and laugh again. I love you.
To Ziggy, little buffalo baby. Sunshine pup at my feet right now and with me through honestly, everything. I would be lost without you. I don’t want heaven if you’re not there. I love you always.
To Frances Thrasher, who was and would be proud of me no matter what was in this book. Thank you for this backbone. For this gift. This life. I miss you every day and love you forever.
To Izzy, Dayne, Sherry, Birzer, Bishop, David, Rouba, Laura Reida, Sarah Ballerina, and David Curtis Smith - I miss you guys so much it aches. I wish I could see you. I wish I could hear your voices. I wish I could hug you. I love you I love you I love you so much.
And with every fiber of who I am, every beat, every tear, every giggle and hiccup, every bone in my body and every glistening bit of my soul, thank you to Karin. For delicate, seeking, nervous. For claritititty. For finding all the opposites. For endless patience. For listening to me talk about this from stage one to right now. I’m writing this from our kitchen table, to you, in our bedroom, because even though this love has been home to me for years, we finally share a house and I love our life together so much. Thank you for taking care of homework and bedtime and dinner, so I could keep going. Thank you for helping me find my way into the city and home again. Thank you for flowers. So many flowers. Thank you for the best notes a writer could ever dream of and for making a list to ease the pressure. For finding all the metaphors. All of them. Thank you for sharing that podcast about some rapper I’d never heard of and for holding me when I still cry about him. Thank you for the best hoodie in the whole world and taking pictures of milk bubbles and for helping me get every single word right. Thank you for believing in me and in them. For reading every incarnation. For talking about it with me. For talking about literally anything and everything with me. Thank you for reminding me to rest, but never letting me give up, and for always reminding me that this is mine no matter what. Thank you for reading me to sleep, helping me get out of bed, and honestly for having the coolest makeup collection because highlighter is half of this whole thing. Thank you for loving them too, and for how safe this love feels. To say you’re the best editor, beta, partner, and person anywhere, ever, doesn’t cover it, but it’s true. I love you with all, all, all of my heart. Je fais, babyblue.
ABOUT SARAH
double espresso. cinnamon and vanilla. oat milk. lots of ice.
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other books
Dusty
Innocents https://bit.ly/1hhfDJm
Delinquents https://bit.ly/2YMHLV7
Don’t Let Me Go
https://bit.ly/1G4hGip
#prays
(in progress)
https://bit.ly/1oHRTJ8
as Sparrow AuSoleil:
Light and Wine
https://bit.ly/2H0rCRQ
24/7 drug and alcohol abuse helpline
1-888-506-0699
suicide prevention lifeline
1-800-273-8255
suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/
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