I had no idea where I was going as I walked down the brick streets. The pavement was cracked, and the sidewalks randomly cut off in the middle of the block, so I had taken to just walking by the side of the road in Huntington. The day was mild, and the cool breeze tickled the back of my neck. There was an immediate lightness to leaving my house that day.
I kept walking until I got to eighth street, which was less of a side street and more of a thoroughfare. I followed it to Grindstone, a local independent coffeehouse. As soon as I walked through the doors and was hit with the nutty smell of thick, rich coffee, I was thirsty. I ordered a small mocha and started towards the door planning to carry on my aimless walking, but before I made it out, two kids about my age, one guy and one girl stopped me.
“I love your jacket,” the guy said with a gesture at my leather bomber.
“Thanks,” I said with a small smile and started to walk on, but this time the girl’s voice stopped me.
“Come sit with us for a while. We saw you walk up. It’s too cold out there to just wander the town.”
Her eyes caught mine and I noticed an eagerness to the invite. Her hair was in her face like Hannah’s always seemed to be and her smile was warm. The boy looked less eager, but also friendly enough, so I took a seat at their table with another small smile and a nod. “Okay,” I said.
With a circular rhythm of the wrist, I swirled my drink. It was a bit awkward, being invited to sit by these two kids. The boy had a slight, androgynous bone structure with swirls of freckles across his nose and cheeks. His hair was a rich chocolate brown and he had bangs that fell into his eyes like mine. The girl was pretty, with pouty lips, strawberry blonde knots of thick, curly hair that fell down below her chest, and bright green eyes. She kept looking at me, then blinking her eyes in a different direction each time I noticed.
“Do you guys go to Huntington High?” I asked.
The girl nodded. “Yep. I’m Lexi, this is Noah.”
I nodded. “I’m Lennox. I just moved here, but I will be at Huntington High, too, once the break is over.”
We chatted like that for a while; they gossiped about kids they did theatre with and talked about who was in trouble for Juling in the costume room and who was in trouble for making out. I didn’t follow any of it, of course, since I didn’t know anyone they were talking about, but I liked listening to Lexi. Her eyes widened when she talked, and she acted out people’s voices like someone reading a story to little kids.
The conversation led to a story about Lexi’s ex-girlfriend getting caught in the prop closet with some guy that was apparently a jerk and I jumped in my chair, my elbow hitting my coffee. I guess she had seemed to be flirting, but I’d been in a bit of denial and assumed she was just outgoing. Was everyone in this freaking town gay?
Lexi quirked her eyebrows and passed me a napkin from the stack in front of her.
“You okay?” she asked.
I don’t know what came over me. I was never the type to open up to people. Even my handful of friends from back home had never heard me say anything about liking girls or being gay. Somehow, though, the way she leaned in on her elbows and furrowed her brow made me feel like she gave a shit that there was something wrong and it was like word vomit.
“My parents are like uber conservative Christian and we moved here to get me away from these neighbor boys who were harassing me for being gay,” I shook my head quickly and corrected myself. “No, not to get me away from those boys. To get those boys away from me. To get me away from everyone my parents knew before I ruined their lives and humiliated them and everything. So, we move here, and I am trying to keep everything so quiet and hush hush and it seems like everyone in this town is just out and proud and leading the parade.”
As I finished my monologue, I felt my cheeks catch fire. They were literally hot to the touch, and I rested the back of my hand against one in an effort to try to cool myself down. I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to die. Lexi and Noah exchanged this bewildered look and I thought they were going to ask me to leave or maybe run away to avoid talking to me anymore, but instead they both chuckled. Noah’s was a soft, under the breath kind of laugh, but Lexi’s was loud and melodic and filled the room.
“I don’t think everyone in Huntington is gay and there are a lot of bigots, just like anywhere,” she said. “There are also a lot of pan kids, bi kids, gay kids, ace kids . . . Noah’s gay, I’m bi. I guess maybe people are a bit more out here than they are some places, but I was born here so I wouldn’t know.”
Noah nodded his head. “Yeah, most kids are okay about it and don’t really care. Here it’s mostly just adults who suck. Like I’m not out to my mom. She would have an absolute fit.”
He leaned back in his chair and either didn’t notice or ignored the relieved sigh I exhaled. I knew it made me an asshole, but I couldn’t help but be relieved that he was more like me; someone who had to hide a piece of himself. It was really starting to feel like the town was one big support group and I was the only alien left with homophobe parents. It wasn’t that I was glad Noah was suffering, just that I was glad I wasn’t the only one.
Something occurred to Lexi and she sat upright in her chair. “You said it seems like everyone in Huntington is gay. Who else have you met?”
I hesitated, but then I remembered Hannah talking about being out at school, so I figured there was no real harm. “I met Hannah Justice earlier in the break.”
Lexi’s face was blank as she nodded, “Oh yeah, Hannah.” If there was any history there, she wasn’t giving it away.
Noah pulled his phone from his pocket. “It’s getting late, Lex,” he said. “We better get going if we are going to get that post-Christmas shopping done.”
Lexi stood up and dropped her empty cup into a nearby trashcan. She smiled at me and I thought we were going to say our goodbyes, but before I could get up, she asked me if I wanted to join them for some shopping.
For a half a second, my smile was frozen across my face and red alerts went off in my head. Yeah, these two seemed like nice enough people, but they could be anyone. I’d seen horror movies that started a lot more innocently. Instead of a bookstore, they could drive me to a field and even if murder was a pretty over the top idea, was it really so out there that maybe these two would prank the butch new kid for fun? Leave me in a field somewhere and laugh as they imagined me finding—or not finding—my way home?
I shook my head, scolding myself for being so paranoid. This wasn’t my tiny suburban neighborhood back home. These kids were different: friendly. It was one thing to avoid dating and try to keep my sexuality under the radar, but if I couldn’t at least try to make friends, it was going to be a long year. Besides, what did I have to lose? I forced a grin and nodded, getting up from the table and following them to Lexi’s car.
Chapter Thirteen
Hannah
When I got home from Lennox’s house, I trudged up to my bedroom like the weight of the world was slowing me down. I was furious with Lennox and, as usual, I didn’t know if I should be. On the one hand, she’d made it sort of clear where she stood from the first time it came up: she didn’t want to be gay and she wasn’t ready to admit how she felt. On the other hand, she had kissed me. As I shut my eyes, I tried to push back the memory that was now playing cinema style in my mind: she had kissed me. My body felt her handprints burned like a brand in the curves of my skin. My hair had curled around her fingers. I felt my breath quicken as it all replayed, and I cursed as the tears started again. Damn this girl, I thought. Why can’t she just figure out what she wants?
But I knew it wasn’t that simple. I knew Lennox knew what she wanted—she’d said it, for fuck’s sake. She wanted me. She wanted those breathless moments; she wanted our bodies pressed together. She wanted all the fun of being a lesbian with none of the responsibilities. No longer trusting my own thoughts on the Lennox issue, I dialed Marley’s number into the phone. She answered on the first ring and after a quick summary of what had
just happened, I was met with silence. Heart racing, I waited for Marley to say anything to help me puzzle out my next moves.
Finally, she spoke. “So, was she a good kisser?”
Sharp and high pitched, the laugh left my lips before I’d even realized it was coming. Marley had such a skill for cutting right to the chase. My eyes fluttered closed involuntarily as I formed my answer, memories of Lennox’s soft lips on mine coming back in a breathless rush. Still raw and tender, my lips sure hadn’t forgotten her presence.
“Yep,” I said. “She is a very good kisser.”
“Hmmmm,” Marley said, and our lifetime of being friends gave me the superpower of hearing what she wasn’t saying. Always oversimplifying everything, Marley was going to tell me to get over my hesitance and just see her in secret. Let things work themselves out. As if on cue, the voice on the other end of my phone continued, “I really think you’re overthinking this, Hannah. If it was that hot and you like her that much, why not just let things be what they are and figure it out as you go? She might come around.”
She wasn’t wrong. I could ignore my own instincts and agree to see each other in the privacy of our mutual bedrooms. I could even hang out with her in public as long as I never tried to touch her or give any indication that we were together. Then, maybe we would fall in love and once Lennox was in love with me, she’d have no choice but to get over her fears and take the plunge because she’d want to be a real couple. That could happen. Or we could spend months together isolated from the real world only to have me fall in love and her never feel ready. There was just too much at stake. If I felt like this about her after a few weeks, how was I going to cope after I’d spent more time with her?
“You just don’t get it, Marley,” I said with a sigh. “You know I have never once played the gay card with you, but be real. You don’t have to worry about whether to date someone secretly because no one is ashamed of hetero dating. Any guy out there would be tripping over himself to be seen in public with you.”
The line went silent again, but this silence felt different. Heavier, like the differences between us were settling in and getting comfortable for the first time. We’d always known they were there, but they’d seemed like small things. She had a bigger selection of potential romantic partners. Her sexuality was the status quo sexuality, so she could assume any guy was straight unless she discovered otherwise. I didn’t have that luxury and no matter how much people joke about it, gaydar is only like eighty percent accurate.
“I have an idea,” Marley stage-whispered, and I knew I wasn’t going to like whatever she said next. Sure enough, she read off an address, refused to tell me where I was going, and told me to meet her there in thirty minutes. Even though the idea of showing up to some surprise destination filled me with total dread, I knew better than to argue. When Marley makes up her mind about a plan, that’s the plan.
I arrived fifteen minutes early. My earliness was the result of a cocktail of compulsive punctuality and a desire to scope the place out before Marley arrived so if it was scary, I could bail. I was surprised when I realized that the address had led me to a middle class, residential street lined with typical Barboursville homes. Two story or split level. Siding or brick. Clean, manicured lawns. As I surveyed the numbers on the houses, I pulled up to the address Marley had given me and waited.
It was particularly well-groomed. The yard was a perfect sea of lush, standard height grass that was roughly the same green as a Jelly Belly jellybean. Along the exterior wall of the front of the house was a garden of tiny, ivory and yellow crocuses. Even the door was happy and bright; the owners had painted it a robin’s egg blue that perked up the entire face of the house. I took a breath of relief at the innocuous appearance of the building in front of me.
I don’t know what I had expected. It’s not like Marley would intentionally send me anywhere unsafe. Still, the weird, clandestine meeting place and the refusal to tell me the plan had given me pause. One thing was obvious: whatever we were going to do, I wasn’t going to like it.
It was fifteen minutes later when Marley finally pulled up, which made my nerves tingle from stress. She walked up to me with a slight smirk twisted across her freckled face and before she said a word, I was poised to argue. Then, she did something that shocked me. She literally flattened her hand across my mouth as her eyes met mine.
“We are getting your cards read. Sean and I talked a little bit about your situation, and we agreed that you need guidance to decide your next move. Don’t argue.”
She removed her hand from my mouth, and I stared at her blankly. I had already said no to the whole tarot card thing. I told her there was no way I was doing it. She knew I didn’t believe. Plus, now that she had told her boyfriend everything, it was even more suspect. How could I take his reading seriously if he already knew about the problem? Still, there was something about Marley’s set mouth and firm voice that forced me to resign myself to the situation. I could argue with her. I could even get in my car and leave. But if I did either of those things, she’d still be Marley and I would never hear the end of it. Instead, I glared at her one last time before stalking off to the door with what I hoped was a haughty flip of my hair and knocked curtly.
I could tell by the muffled giggle from behind me that I had not been haughty enough. Marley had won and she knew it.
Sean answered the door in shorts and a t-shirt. Why were boys always wearing shorts in the winter? Did they just not get cold? His hair was sticking up in several different spots, so even though he had to have known we were coming, he also hadn’t been bothered enough to run a brush through his hair. I looked back at Marley and rolled my eyes and she clapped a hand over her mouth to hold back a giggle.
He led us back into his bedroom and I looked at him in a more appraising way than I ever had before. In his long cargo shorts and plain red t-shirt, he came off as a little sportier than I’d imagined the average medium to be. In a voice that I hoped sounded conversational over prying, I asked what had made him take an interest in tarot cards.
Without turning to face me, he did a half shrug before answering. “Honestly, I started studying it because I thought it would give me a good conversation starter with girls.”
I stopped in my tracks and stared at his back before turning to face Marley. I gave her a ‘seriously?’ look with my eyes, but she just shrugged and hooked her elbow through mine, leading me down the hallway behind Sean.
When he opened his bedroom door, he revealed a room that was basically identical to every boy bedroom I had ever seen. In fairness, that pretty much meant Jake’s bedroom as there weren’t many guys I’d been close to over the years. Still, it was a pretty similar lack of aesthetic consideration. There were a few posters haphazardly taped to the walls, which immediately made me think about how grounded I would be if I ever put scotch tape on our paint. His bed was sloppily made. He had a television on a dresser, a bookcase with some trophies lining the shelves, and a computer desk. It was the desk where the action was going to take place.
It was just your average wooden desk, but there were two Yankee candles spaced about a foot apart on its surface. Wax balls were stuck on to the wood. Centered between the candles was a deck of cards. Tarot cards.
“Just sit on the bed,” he said as he gestured vaguely to a blue comforter that was pulled sloppily up over the mattress. As I slipped off my shoes and settled in, he lit the two candles on his desk.
“Do those have meaning or something?” I asked as I gestured to the candles, my eyes slit in suspicion. I wasn’t sure about this whole outing. I’d told Marley I didn’t believe in tarot cards and I always rolled my eyes at the kids going through their token witch phase in middle school, but the reality was it kind of freaked me out. What if Sean saw something I didn’t want to know?
“Supposedly candles can help with clarity and focus,” he said, again shrugging his shoulders. “Ideally, I would have white taper candles, but these apple ones smell really good. Don’t k
now if it has the same effect, but what can it hurt?"
The apple candles did smell good; they were crisp and autumnal and overpowered the slight old sock smell that most boy rooms seemed to possess. Sean scooped up the deck of cards and put it in front of me before sitting crisscross applesauce with his body facing mine and the cards between us.
He handed the cards to me and I extended my arm at a snail’s pace as I reached to touch them. They just looked like playing cards on the top, but the bottom card had a drawing of a sunshine with a smiley face and I wondered what a sun could tell you about your life. I knew from AP lit that the sun was masculine, and the moon was feminine. Maybe tarot cards were kind of like symbolism and you just let the symbols guide your destiny.
“So, I want you to shuffle the cards. Do it slowly because everything I’ve read says it works the best if you touch each one so that the cards are infused with your energy.”
Eyeroll. Infused with my energy? I’d meant to just think the word eyeroll, but my face must have given me away because Marley slapped my thigh hard enough to send a ripple through my chunk. Ignoring her, but still ordering myself to behave, I did as I was told and lightly fanned out the cards, letting my fingers make contact with their smooth surfaces.
“As you touch them, silently ask the question you seek an answer for,” he ordered, his voice firm.
As much as I was struggling in pretty much every arena of my life, there was only one question I really needed an answer to: was it time to forget about Lennox? Time to hope that we could settle into a friendship after some space passed and settled whatever there had been igniting between us? Inside my stomach was a hard pit that rebelled against the idea of seeking answers about Lennox. My family was in turmoil. My parents were a huge mess. Had I really been reduced to the stereotype of a teenage girl, the kind that has nothing to offer the world but a hopeless love story?
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