‘Where are you?’
‘In a café near the office. I just met with HR. I’m heading home now.’
‘Would you like to be left alone to process or have some company? And cake – I have chocolate cupcakes.’
‘Yum. But I don’t want to put you out.’
‘You wouldn’t be. Anyway, I’m the one offering.’
‘Actually, Lauren, I’d love some company. Thanks.’
‘No problem. Thought you might. Text me your address and I’ll be there in around half an hour. Your new place isn’t far from me.’
‘You’re a gem.’
‘I can’t wait to see your house and meet Bill.’
Alice hung up and sent the address to Lauren. She couldn’t believe her closest friend in Melbourne, after David, hadn’t already visited the house, and, worse, that she didn’t even have Alice’s address. What had happened to the last six or so weeks? Had she really become so withdrawn? God, and she hadn’t even returned Ruth’s cheery phone message from last week, either. Shit. She’d sent a text to say she’d get back to her and then she’d completely forgotten. How could she have forgotten her like that – Ruth of all people? Her dearest and oldest friend. Jesus, Gold, Taylor and Murphy Real Estate had completely sucked her dry. More than she’d even realised. Well, not anymore!
*
Through her bedroom window, having just changed into track pants and a t-shirt, Alice noticed Lauren out on the front looking around as if she wasn’t sure if she had the right house.
‘Lauren,’ she said, throwing open the front door and making her way down the path. ‘Thanks so much for coming.’ She gave her friend a hug.
‘You’re doing me a favour, actually. I made these and you’re saving me from eating them all. They’re called Procrastination Cupcakes,’ Lauren said with a cheeky grin as she lifted the lid on the Tupperware container she held to reveal rich chocolate cupcakes with little hats on top of mounds of cream.
‘Oh, wow,’ Alice said.
‘Sorry, Bill, none for you, little man,’ Lauren said. ‘Hold this,’ she said and put the lid back on before thrusting the container into Alice’s chest. She then squatted down. ‘Come here, you gorgeous thing.’ She picked up the small dog that was wriggling all over with delight at the attention. ‘Ooh, aren’t you a handsome boy.’
Lauren put him down and looked around, taking everything in. ‘It’s lovely. Not what I was expecting, but lovely.’
‘Thanks. Come on in, I’ll give you the grand tour.’
‘It’s very white. And everything’s so straight and neat. It’d last two minutes like this if I lived here,’ Lauren said with a laugh. ‘I didn’t have you pegged as having OCD. Does David?’
Alice laughed. ‘No. Probably not far off though. David, not me, that is. He does like everything in its place and clean and tidy. I like tidy, too, but …’
‘In that case, I’m surprised he was okay with having a dog.’
‘I think Bill was an appeasement present.’
‘Sorry?’
‘To soften the blow of him being away so much,’ Alice explained.
‘Oh. Right. God, I’m loving your stone bench tops,’ Lauren said, sitting down on a stool in the kitchen area and running her hands across the grey stone.
‘Tea or coffee?’
‘Oh. My. God. That is one stunning coffee machine! Coffee, please. White with one,’ Lauren said. ‘So, what did David say about you quitting? Is he okay with it?’
‘I haven’t told him. I’ll tell him tonight.’
A part of Alice wanted to send him a text or leave a voicemail – David rarely answered his phone while at work – so he’d have blown any anger out by the time he came home. Another part of her said that telling him in person was the only way. She was ignoring the little nagging voice in her head that told her she was being a coward in putting it off.
‘One of the appealing things about being single is not having to tell anyone anything,’ Lauren declared, taking the chocolate hat from a cupcake and placing it in her mouth.
‘Hmm,’ Alice mused.
‘So, how are you feeling? Honestly.’
‘Relieved. Disappointed. Scared. Like I’m a failure. Exhausted at the thought of looking for another job. All of the above,’ Alice said sadly.
‘It’ll be okay. You found this one – you’ll find another.’
‘It just feels like I’m under so much more pressure now – because of, you know,’ she said, indicating the space around her.
‘Try not to be too hard on yourself. From the sounds of it, it was that Carmel woman, not you, who failed. Failed at being a decent human being. Bitch.’
‘Four weeks. Can you believe I only lasted four weeks? That must be some sort of record.’
‘So, what did they say when you quit?’
‘Nothing really. I rang Brenda from HR. She’s great. I didn’t need to give notice because of still being on probation.’
‘That’s good. And what did she say?’
‘Well, she wanted me to meet her for coffee – hence being in a café in the city when you called. I had to return my security pass anyway and god knows I never want to go into that building again, so killing two birds with one stone seemed a good idea. I think I was hoping for an apology, or at least some acknowledgement that Carmel is a nightmare and her behaviour is the reason why I’ve left. I told you I’m like the seventh PA of hers to leave in two years, didn’t I?’
Lauren nodded. ‘You’d think they’d start connecting the dots by now.’
‘Well, if they are, they’re not letting on. Brenda was clearly toeing the company line. It was as good as a shrug and Sorry it didn’t work out – all the best.’
‘Did you tell her you know about Carmel’s track record with her PAs?’
‘No. I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble. It’s so disappointing knowing that nothing will change.’
‘Well, money has the power.’
‘I really thought I’d found my place. I think I would have been good at real estate,’ Alice said sadly.
‘To be honest, Alice, I think you’d have been too nice.’
‘Yeah. Maybe you’re right. Thanks so much for coming around. It means a lot.’
‘No worries. I just thought you might be feeling conflicted and lost. It’s a big, brave thing you’ve done.’
‘Yeah, right,’ Alice scoffed. ‘I ditched a job after only four weeks.’
‘But you had the courage to put yourself, put your wellbeing first, to say, this is not okay, enough is enough. That takes some guts. You should give yourself some credit.’
‘I don’t think David’s going to see it like that.’
‘Well, sod him!’
‘You know, I still can’t quite put my finger on what the problem was.’
‘Carmel was. You know that.’
‘Yes, but she seemed so nice at first.’
‘From what I’ve read about narcissists since Brett told us about them, that’s the thing – they’re charismatic. They mentally wear you down until you don’t know what’s up and what’s down.’
‘That’s exactly how I felt,’ Alice said. ‘Like I spent my whole day – every day – not knowing which way was up. I’ve become so unsure about everything, and myself.’
‘Thankfully you realised it isn’t right to feel that way.’
‘What I don’t understand is why she would want to drive PAs away like that. What does she gain?’
‘Power? Who would know? They’re complicated people. I wouldn’t waste too much time trying to analyse it – it’ll do your head in even more. Just accept she’s a sad, damaged individual who wouldn’t know good help if it bit her on the arse, and be grateful you got out. I think the trouble is that PAs generally are kind and caring people who want to please. And that’s what a narcissist is attracted to and then feeds on. Maybe? I don’t know.’
‘Yeah, I read that too. God, it’s so bloody complicated. I didn’t want it all to be true – to
be a victim.’ The truth was, Alice had been disturbed by what she’d read and had tried to forget it. It wasn’t just Carmel who seemed to tick a lot of the boxes …
‘Exactly! Which is why you need to stop thinking about it. Have another cupcake, I say!’
‘Good idea. God, I’m glad you’re here, Lauren. At the risk of sounding like a true millennial, real adult life away from uni is hard!’
‘Oh yes it is. Well, I can’t really talk; I’m fully aware, and very grateful, for my situation.’
‘You’d make a good counsellor, you know,’ Alice mused.
‘Thanks, but I think I’d be too judgemental and far too blunt!’
Alice added sugar to their coffee cups and thought for a minute. ‘What am I going to do without a reference?’
‘I don’t know. But worrying about it won’t help. You could always explain the situation to the next prospective employer. If they won’t give you a job without the reference from your last report, anyway, I don’t see how being honest will hurt. They might even appreciate your openness.’
‘Hmm.’
‘Don’t think about any of that now; at least take some time to recover your equilibrium. You’ve been hit for a six, Alice, don’t forget.’
‘I feel like I never want to step foot inside an office again – any office.’
‘And that’s okay.’
‘Not when you don’t have any other skills, it’s not.’
‘Go back and do your honours and masters.’
‘David would have a fit if I even suggested that.’
‘Please don’t place your whole future and wellbeing in David’s hands. I know, I know,’ Lauren said, holding her hands up, ‘what would I know, being single and all.’
They enjoyed their second cup of coffee and cupcake before Lauren said she’d leave Alice to enjoy some quality time with Bill.
‘Good luck with telling David tonight,’ she said when she hugged Alice at the gate. ‘If he truly loves you, he’ll understand. No one should want their significant other to be in a job that makes them miserable and messes with their whole psyche the way yours was. I’m only a phone call away if you need me. And, remember, no job hunting today or tomorrow. Better yet, for a week or so. You need time to get your mojo back, rebuild your confidence. Bye, Bill, it was lovely to meet you, you gorgeous thing.’
‘Thanks so much for coming around, and for the cupcakes – and everything,’ Alice said.
‘My pleasure. I hope I helped. Just be kind to yourself, Alice, and don’t over-analyse it all. Some things, like the behaviour of a person like Carmel Gold, can’t be easily explained or understood. You just need to let it go.’
Alice was grateful for having Lauren as a friend. She felt they’d taken their friendship to another level today, and she was so appreciative.
Now if David was as supportive and understanding tonight, she might just be okay.
Chapter Eighteen
Alice had taken Bill for a walk and then enjoyed a long soak in the tub – and in doing so had gained a whole new appreciation for the new house. Oh how she’d missed having baths. The apartment hadn’t had a tub, just a shower. Afterwards she’d curled up on the couch with Bill and watched a daytime movie on TV.
Now she stretched. It was four-thirty – she’d better start getting dinner organised. But she sighed heavily and stayed put. She didn’t feel like doing anything. Maybe a particularly good dinner might make her news more palatable to David. Green chicken curry or stir fry?
Her mobile phone sounded with a text. It was from David: Need a steak. Heading out for dinner …
Even better. Have fun. I’ll happily stay right where I am, she thought as she unlocked her phone to read the whole message. Oh no!
Need a steak. Heading out for dinner. Pick you up outside your office at 5.15.
Alice’s pulse spiked. Oh no. Do I tell him I’m not there? God no, then I’ll have to explain why. More lies. Very bad idea.
Suddenly her head was the clearest it had been in ages and after a few quick calculations and checking of time and train timetable knew what she needed to do.
Okay. But I’ll be a bit late – 5:30ish.
No problem, was David’s reply.
‘Sorry, Bill, change of plans,’ she said, and leapt off the couch. She could make it if she hurried. Breaking the news in a public place was a good idea. David didn’t do scenes – ever. Maybe he was celebrating a promotion or a bonus, and she’d be able to feel less guilty about quitting.
In their bedroom Alice was just about to drag on her jeans when she realised her error. I’m meant to be coming straight from work – I don’t wear jeans to work. At that moment she felt a new stab of guilt under her ribs.
White lies are okay if they’re told to protect someone from pain, a wise person had once said. So, this is okay, isn’t it? she told herself. Oh god. She was starting to break out in a nervous sweat.
‘Stay. Good dog,’ she said to Bill as she left with one minute up her sleeve. She only hoped the train was running on time.
Alice’s knees were practically knocking when she sat down and the train doors clunked shut behind her. She fiddled with her handbag strap and tapped and shifted her feet. Thankfully the carriage was nearly empty and there weren’t too many people to stare at her. Should I tell him as soon as I get in the car or wait until dinner? And, if waiting until dinner, before ordering, or eating, or after? Shit. Alice was beginning to regret not telling him straight away that morning.
Despite the crisp, cold evening, she was hot and a little clammy under her arms by the time she’d made her way to the building where Gold, Taylor and Murphy had their offices. Waiting at the lights with the imposing modern tower looming high above, the glass and steel glinting in the late afternoon sun, needles of nervous energy began to dart through her. Her breath kept catching. She didn’t want to go anywhere near the place. Certainly didn’t want to see anyone she knew. She almost didn’t walk forward when the light for pedestrians went green, but a bump from people around her, expecting her to move, propelled her onwards and across the street.
Oh shit. She darted behind the little street vendor stall that sold magazines as a group of Gold, Taylor and Murphy employees spilled out onto the street. She stayed half-turned away and kept her head down while carefully examining the magazines as she prayed for the group to move away.
‘Not a library. You buy,’ the man behind the counter said. Alice cast a covert glance towards the building’s main doors. Damn it. They were milling, not dispersing. Putting her head down again, she fished in her handbag for her wallet, opened it up and bought the nearest magazine with bold headlines about some scandal involving Tom Cruise. She stepped aside and opened it up. She just hoped David would pull up here, ahead of the taxi rank and not park illegally right in front of the building and her previous co-workers. Not that she knew any of them all that well. Uh-oh. She’d just spied Pip and Jared coming out and joining the throng.
She turned nervously at hearing a honk, but almost turned back when all she saw was a taxi pulling up. The back passenger door opened and she heard David call her name. She stuffed the magazine into her handbag as she leapt in beside him. She didn’t know the two men who were with David in the car.
‘Hey,’ she said.
‘Tom, William, this is Alice.’
‘Hi,’ Alice called as a general greeting and pulled her seatbelt on. Clearly David was planning a big night if he was leaving the car at work. Alice wasn’t sure if this was better or worse for her situation. Ordinarily she hated drunkenness, but tonight it might actually help her.
‘Good day?’ David said as the cab pulled away from the kerb and Alice let out a slight sigh of relief that no one from the office seemed to have noticed her.
‘Yep. You?’
‘Not bad. The usual. You know. Tom and Will have flown in from Auckland.’
‘Great. Welcome,’ she said. She was beginning to feel desperate to unload her news – to get it, and whate
ver consequences came with it, out of the way. But now she’d have to be in hostess mode – charming, friendly. And definitely not on-edge like she currently was. Was it noticeable? Hopefully she just seemed a little tense after a big day, a big week.
They joined the peak-hour crawl through the city and then the amble along St Kilda Road. All the time David was pointing out things to the men – the National Gallery, places to visit and eat, landmarks of note. Were they clients or colleagues? Alice tried to remember if David had said. It didn’t really matter, either way. She couldn’t say anything now. He would be mortified to learn news like this in front of others. While he projected a very together, polished façade, she wondered if he was actually quite insecure and fragile inside. A couple of times she’d been stunned to find him practically reduced to a bumbling little boy – usually the result of a bad golf hole or round, or when a project he was managing wasn’t quite going to plan.
‘So, what do you do, Alice?’ Will asked from the front seat, half turning around to look at her.
Well, funny you should mention my work, she thought to say. Oh, the temptation …
‘There, look,’ David cried, pointing, before Alice could answer. ‘Alice is PA to her – there on the billboard. Carmel Gold, real estate agent extraordinaire!’
‘Oh wow,’ Will said.
‘Cool,’ Tom said.
Alice groaned inwardly. Oh if only she’d rung him that morning. Telling lies, by omission or in whatever form, was tying her in knots. She thought she might even be close to throwing up if she didn’t keep her wits about her. She’d had two of Lauren’s cupcakes for lunch and nothing else, and was now regretting it.
‘She looks formidable,’ Will said.
‘Yeah, I bet she keeps you on your toes,’ Tom said.
Oh you have no idea. ‘Yes. I’ve only been there a few …’ she said.
‘And she’s training Alice up to be an agent,’ David said proudly.
‘Well, down the track a bit. I’m still on probation,’ Alice said, after swallowing down the rising bile.
Walking into their favourite St Kilda restaurant, they were shown to a great table, which Alice took as a good sign. Hopefully the churning in her stomach would stop after a hearty meal. Oh how she wished she were still home in her trackies on the couch with Bill.
A Life of Her Own Page 14