A Life of Her Own

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘I feel something, Alice. Disappointment. In you and your petty behaviour. Actually, I’m going for a bike ride. I’ll see you later.’

  Alice stared, stunned, as he pushed himself back from the table and got up, tugged his phone away from the charging cable and strode down the hall.

  Having moved her food around her bowl and only managed to eat about half her meal, Alice put the leftovers in the fridge and tidied the kitchen. She felt sick with how things had gone with David and worried about him being out on the road in the dark in an angry, distracted state. Why couldn’t he understand? She picked up her phone from the top of the bench and tapped out a text: I’m sorry. Please don’t be angry with me♥Xx

  She sat nervously waiting, hoping, for a reply while aimlessly scrolling through her Facebook feed. When the reply came, she stared at it, her heart sinking even further: Home later. Just remember, Alice, I’m not the enemy. D.

  Not the enemy? What was that supposed to mean? Alice shook her head. Oh well, at least he’d answered. Hopefully his rejection of her might be over soon. She should have known better than to hope for an olive branch. David never used terms of endearment or affection. And he never apologised. To the best of her knowledge, Alice hadn’t ever heard the words ‘I’m sorry’ pass David’s lips.

  Chapter Nineteen

  On Sunday David took himself off to play golf. Alice briefly considered going with him in an effort to placate his still frosty mood. But she’d decided she’d apologised enough for something she didn’t think she should even have to apologise for. Okay, sure, she really shouldn’t have announced her news in the way she had, and she’d apologised for that, but if he listened to her, really listened and actually heard and understood – had some compassion – then she wouldn’t have had to. Alice found herself trying to work out if David had always been so self-centred. Perhaps the gloss was just wearing off and they were settling into more of a companionship type relationship. God, it’s been four years. We’re in our thirties, not our sixties.

  How would it be when they had kids? David definitely wanted kids. Alice knew that. Though she wondered if it was more about appearing successful in another area of life – great job, big house, nice car, and a couple of kids. Alice thought she could take or leave having a family, but if she was going to do it, she wanted to be married first. And David had said he didn’t believe in marriage because he was an atheist. Alice wasn’t religious, but she liked and respected tradition. So they’d been at a stalemate and hadn’t discussed it for the last year or so. She didn’t mind not having to make a decision about having children – she’d been focussed on her studies. Perhaps if she re-considered her stance, she wouldn’t have to look for a job … Alice felt a little ashamed. She bit her lip. So much for being a feminist and a strong, independent woman.

  Her phone rang and she was pleased to see Lauren’s name on the screen. She sometimes still felt her heart contract ever so briefly at the thought it might be Carmel, before realising it wouldn’t be.

  ‘Hi, Lauren, how’s things?’

  ‘Hey, Alice. I just wanted to check everything was okay now with David. I sensed it was maybe worse than you were making out. Can you talk or should I call back another time?’

  ‘No, now’s good. Oh, Lauren, I’m so glad to hear your voice. David’s still furious with me. Though, I can’t entirely blame him. I was an idiot, blurting out in public that I’d quit. I didn’t mean to, it just happened. He’s still barely speaking to me.’

  ‘Oh no, that’s not good. You’d better start from the beginning.’

  ‘Are you sure you can be bothered listening to my woes?’

  ‘Of course. I rang because I was worried about you.’

  ‘That’s so lovely of you,’ Alice said. ‘So …’ she began.

  ‘Wow,’ Lauren said when she’d finished, ‘I can see why David reacted the way he did.’

  ‘I know. I was completely out of line in the restaurant. And I’ve put my hand up to that. But, seriously, he just won’t let it go.’

  ‘I’m sorry I put you in that position by leaving the cupcakes.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. It’s not your fault. And I shouldn’t have left them out on the bench, anyway. I’m still annoyed that he seems more interested in me having a job than actually being happy. And of course that I dared not to discuss it with him first, before I left my job. But I did – well, not in so many words. Well, not in any words,’ Alice conceded with a sigh. ‘But I did discuss being unhappy there and why. And he did say if I wasn’t happy to leave, which I now know was reverse psychology or passive-aggression, or whatever. Anyway, enough of all that. So here I am job hunting online. Did you know that even to wash dishes in a pub kitchen you have to have experience? Same with a job in a factory. I’m doomed.’

  ‘Why would you be looking at those sorts of jobs?’

  ‘Well, there’s still nothing remotely related to my History degree.’

  ‘So? You’re also a highly prized admin whizz.’

  ‘Yeah, right. Thanks for the vote of confidence, but we both know the truth about my situation.’

  ‘You can’t rearrange your whole life based on your experience with Carmel bloody Gold. I think it’s safe to say that was unusual. And you’ll find a way around the reference problem.’

  ‘What I didn’t tell you about Friday, Lauren, was that I was scared to go too close to the building where I worked and I hid from my old colleagues. I’m not joking. I was shaking and sweating. Properly terrified. Thank goodness they didn’t see me. How bloody embarrassing. It was completely irrational behaviour.’

  ‘Not from where I’m sitting. Alice, you’re probably suffering from mild PTSD.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous! It’s not like I’ve been to war, or in an accident, or watched someone die, or anything.’

  ‘I’m being serious. To your well-educated, academic mind, it might seem a relatively minor and short-term ordeal, but it’s really hit you hard and deep – you’ve said that. Remember how you said you felt your world had been turned upside down and you couldn’t think straight. And the nightmares … Alice, benign experiences don’t give you nightmares.’

  ‘But isn’t that just the brain or subconscious, or whatever, processing things, feelings, what went on that day?’

  ‘That’s dreams. I’m sure nightmares aren’t normal and certainly aren’t good.’

  ‘I had another one last night. I was trapped in the corner of a room with Carmel standing over me, yelling. I couldn’t make out what I was in trouble for and I couldn’t get away from her. It was so real. I woke up sweating and wondering where I was.’

  ‘Oh, Alice. Where was David? What did he say?’

  ‘He was still up watching TV in the lounge. I didn’t tell him. I’m sure the experience is just working its way through my system and I’ll be fine in a few days.’

  ‘I hope you’re right. If it continues, it might be a good idea to see someone about it.’

  ‘What, like a shrink?’

  ‘A professional counsellor of some sort. Yes.’

  ‘Then David really will call me a drama queen. Oh god, can you imagine?’

  ‘Alice, don’t dismiss it too quickly. If it’s going to interfere with your life going forward, then it would be a good idea to talk to someone and work through it. You’ll always have me, of course, but a different, neutral perspective might be useful too.’

  ‘Hmm. Lauren?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I’m sensing you knew how David would react. That’s why you called, isn’t it? You said you were worried about me.’

  ‘I had a feeling.’

  ‘Don’t tell me you’re psychic, Lauren, you’ve never even met him, have you?’

  ‘I’m not psychic, but I’d had my suspicions that he’s a bit of a control freak. Just things you’ve said along the way. And, remember, he’s been to all three of our Christmas dinners, so I’ve actually met him a few times and seen you two interact.’

  ‘Oh.
That’s right, of course you have. Yeah, I guess that’s a fair description of him.’

  ‘And seeing your house on Friday sort of confirmed it.’

  ‘Because he’s a neatnik bordering on obsessive? I can see how you came to that conclusion,’ Alice said.

  ‘It wasn’t just that.’

  ‘Oh, what else?’

  ‘Alice, have you ever noticed that in all the photos of the two of you on display in your place he is always standing behind you with his hands on your shoulders.’

  Really? ‘That’s because he’s slightly taller,’ Alice said, making her way out into the hall and down towards the living area.

  ‘Fair enough. But he doesn’t ever have his arms around you and he’s never kissing you, or showing any affection. I just noticed it, that’s all. I might be reading too much into it.’

  Oh my god, she’s right. Alice stared at the framed photos lined up along the pale timber sideboard and felt a cold sensation snake through her – not quite, but sort of, fear.

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. Just all me being a nosy writer.’

  ‘Now you’ve pointed it out, it does seem a little bizarre. I’ve always thought it nice to feel his strength, his steadying influence behind me,’ Alice said, truthfully, unable to drag her gaze away from the photos.

  ‘Well, there you go. We all read things differently. Forget I said anything. This is me just overthinking things and blowing them out of proportion. I was just worried about you. I hope everything will be okay soon.’

  ‘Honestly, I’m not sure it will be. The atmosphere here is pretty arctic and probably will be until I get another job, and stick with it. Speaking of which, I’d better get back to my job search.’ But while her voice was strong, Alice felt the unnerving sense that the ground was shifting under her and that she’d discovered something that had, or would, irrevocably change things.

  ‘It’s Sunday, Alice. Give yourself a break. And you only quit on Friday.’

  ‘I know, but …’

  ‘Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing at all. Take a deep breath, let the universe catch up and allow it to do its work.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘Well, it’s up to you, not me. You do what you’ve got to do. Let me know if you want to catch up sometime. And, remember, I’m only a phone call or text away.’

  ‘Thanks so much. It really means a lot that you called to check on me.’

  ‘Ah, what are friends for? There’s no need for thanks. You’d do the same for me. Okay. Gotta go. Catch ya.’

  ‘Yep. Speak soon.’

  Alice hung up feeling grateful, but at the same time unsettled. Lauren’s call had brought back into focus her frustration at David’s lack of support. She also still couldn’t drag her eyes away from the photos. Lauren was right: every single one of them was the same. And she started to feel a bit annoyed that she hadn’t seen it before herself. Now that she thought about it, David did seem controlling. Even his smile in the photos seemed a little intense – barely a smile at all. He’d said from the start he had a problem with showing his teeth because he was embarrassed about them not being perfectly straight. Apparently his parents had run out of money and had to have his braces taken off early. David was still mortified. At both his crooked teeth – which Alice hadn’t even noticed until he’d pointed them out – and not coming from a particularly well-off family. It was one of the first things he’d confided in Alice soon after they’d met. She hadn’t seen why it was an issue – her parents certainly hadn’t had lots of cash to splash about. She’d thought it great that David had used his upbringing as a reason to strive so hard. But perhaps he’d let it go to his head. There was a fine line with so many things in life. Oh well, he’d been, was being, very good to her. Everyone had their foibles.

  ‘Lauren’s right, Bill, job hunting can wait. All the new ones will probably go online on Monday anyway.’ What David didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him, she thought, a little guiltily. Also, how would she sell herself – even in her cover letter – if she didn’t get her head straight?

  Chapter Twenty

  By Thursday Alice was so frustrated and despondent about the job hunt that she spent most of her time in tears. She’d wanted to call Lauren – if only to hear a friendly, sympathetic voice – but didn’t want to be the sort of friend who only ever called to moan. That had never been Alice’s way before, but it was now. The thought of how different she was from the cheerful, optimistic person at uni made her feel downright depressed. Would she ever be like that again? She couldn’t see how she could drag herself back, other than getting and keeping a good job, and right now that seemed as likely as finding a box full of hen’s teeth. At least David didn’t seem angry with her anymore. Though he’d as good as given up asking about her day in a way that elicited any discussion of feelings. Instead he asked for a rundown of what she’d done, as if she were answerable to him and needed to account for her time, which, she thought morosely, she pretty much was. She wasn’t bringing in any money and she knew all too well money was power.

  When a text from Lauren arrived Alice almost leapt with joy.

  I’m in the area. Are you home? If so, can I get the Tupperware container? Xx

  I’m here! Would love to see you! (Be warned, though, there are tears.) Xx

  Oh no. What’s happened?

  I’ll tell you when you get here. (I’m okay. Just feeling sorry for myself.) Xx

  ‘You’ve no idea how good it is to see you, Lauren,’ Alice said as she opened the door and then pulled her friend to her. She wasn’t surprised to find herself sobbing into Lauren’s shoulder. There seemed an almost constant flow of tears down Alice’s face these days.

  ‘Alice, what’s going on?’ Lauren said when they’d parted. ‘I’m not in a rush. How about I come in and you tell me all about it. Unless you’re busy?’

  ‘Busy? You’re kidding, right? I’m unemployed, remember?’ Alice said as she led the way through to the kitchen.

  ‘So, anything promising?’

  ‘No. And it’s worse than I thought. I relented about going back to an office and rang all the main temp agencies. Can you believe every one of them said not to bother coming in if I don’t have a reference from my last direct report.’

  ‘Why would you tell them you didn’t have one?’

  ‘I’m no good at lying, Lauren. And I thought if I was honest and up-front they’d find a way around it. So much for honesty being the best policy. I’m a damned good proposition. Why wouldn’t they bloody well want to help me? It’s as much their gain as mine.’

  ‘At least you’re starting to believe in yourself. That’s a step forward.’

  ‘More resigned to the fact that admin is all I know, and admin jobs are with people and in offices, so I don’t really have a choice.’

  ‘I’m sure you have plenty of transferable skills, Alice, you just need to be in the right frame of mind to think of them.’

  ‘Exactly. At the moment I feel like I’m teetering on the top of a slippery slope. I’m angry with Carmel for doing this to me, making me like this. I’m still a basket case and a bloody mess most of the time. And I’m angry at myself for allowing her to do this to me. And I hate the world for making life so damned hard at the moment. There, listen to me feeling sorry for myself.’

  ‘I think you’re allowed to feel crushed and sad, and whatever else, Alice. You can’t help your emotions,’ Lauren said gently. ‘Is David being more supportive now?’

  ‘Yes. No. I don’t know, to be honest. I have a horrible feeling this is as good as it gets with him. And, even worse, I think this is how he’s always been and now I’m seeing it because life’s not all going perfectly to plan. Sorry, I’m not really making sense. That seems to be me these days. I’m still all over the bloody place. I think David’s always been the same – unemotional and only supportive in his own black and white way. He’s not being unkind. He’s being David. Oh, I don’t know, I can’t explain it, but I don’t think it’s pers
onal – towards me, that is.’

  ‘So, you think perhaps he had everything mapped out and because he’s so ordered he’s not responding well to things not working out as planned?’

  ‘Yes, that might be part of it. But he’s always saying that if something doesn’t work, you find a way around it. He’s always going on about solutions and thinking outside the box.’

  ‘Maybe that’s what he wants to believe, but it isn’t working like that.’

  ‘Sorry? I’m not following.’

  ‘You know how people often have mantras? Well, sometimes I think those mantras are for things they want to achieve, be, not where they currently are.’

  ‘Oh. I see. I think. Kind of like wishful thinking?’

  ‘Exactly. Insecure people project feelings onto other people. Sorry if I’m overstepping, but in my mind he’s showing some insecurity in the way he’s reacted to you quitting. And there’s a need to control you, to a certain extent. What I’m saying is that while you think he seems disappointed in you, I think he’s more likely to be disappointed in himself for some reason. It’s called projection.’

  ‘He’s probably annoyed with himself for choosing a partner who’s not driven to be successful in the corporate world like he is. Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to be rich, not have to worry about money, but I see what it does to him, and some of our friends and, honestly, I’m not sure that’s what I want for myself. I thought I did, but with the big salaries you seem to lose your soul, too, a bit, don’t you?’

  ‘Maybe. I’m sure there are good companies out there. Alice, don’t let one experience change your whole perspective.’

  ‘Honestly, I don’t know what to think anymore. But I’m sure I’m not living up to David’s expectations.’

  ‘I don’t like that you’re giving him so much power over you. You’re your own person. You’re the only one whose expectations you have to meet.’

  ‘I’m not sure being in a committed partnership works quite like that. Lauren, I’m so confused and lost.’