Oh, Dad, what am I going to do? My life’s an absolute mess. She put her hand on the tombstone that had been warmed by the sun. She longed to sit on the granite edge, but knew if she did she’d never want to move again.
With a shock she wondered if this hopelessness, this lost desperation, was anywhere near how her father had felt when he’d decided to end it all.
No. She had options. She just had to figure them out. She couldn’t give in to feeling sorry for herself. What hurt was that she was here with the people who were meant to matter the most to her, support her the most – unconditionally – and she couldn’t talk to them about it without fear of being put down and ridiculed. Yep, so much for family being everything, she thought, recalling Brett’s words from that day in the pub. Right then she felt more supported by a man who was dead and buried beneath six feet of dirt. That thought sank her lower than she thought possible. She looked up, sensing movement nearby. Time to go and put on a brave face at the wake, I suppose, she decided and reluctantly turned to move away. But she stopped, startled to see her ex-husband standing a few steps away.
‘Hey, Rick,’ she said.
‘Hey, Alice. How’re you doing?’
‘Pretty shit, actually,’ she said.
‘Yeah. Understandable.’
And then she was being drawn into a tight, lingering hug – the hug she’d been yearning for for goodness knew how long. From David. She sank into him, breathed in his scent that after so many years still smelt familiar. And comforting. As she felt herself relax for the first time that day – probably the first time in weeks – she also felt the dam holding back her tears break. She sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
‘Oh god. I’m so sorry,’ she said when she’d finally managed to pull herself together enough to ease out of his grasp. ‘You’re all wet now,’ she said, wiping at the big wet patch on his pale blue shirt.
‘It’s okay, Alice. Really. We’ve swapped more bodily fluids than that over the years.’
Alice shook her head and gave his chest a gentle thump. But she smiled too. And she was so grateful for him at least attempting to lighten the mood. So grateful for him being there, full stop.
‘I’d better find Frank, Mum and Olivia,’ Alice said, looking around.
‘It’s good you could make it,’ Rick said, as they started to stroll slowly back towards the gate where people were streaming out and making their way to their cars – a few others were dotted about the small cemetery paying their respects to loved ones they’d lost as they went.
‘Yeah.’
‘A hard trip to make, huh? Hang on, where’s your bloke? What’s his name?’
‘David. He couldn’t make it.’
‘I can’t believe he’d let you come on your own – for the funeral of one of your best friends,’ Rick said.
‘So, how come you’re here? You weren’t really close to Ruth’s family, other than through me, were you?’ Alice said, desperate to move the conversation away from her and David before she accidentally confided in Rick. That wouldn’t be good for anyone.
‘No, Alice, I came for you. Funerals are also about paying respect to those who’ve lost, not just those who’ve gone. And I know your mum can be, well, um …’
‘Mean?’ Alice offered quietly.
‘Yeah, that’d be it, if we’re using understatements. It might not have worked out for us, I might have been a shit husband, but, Alice, I’ll always care about you.’
‘Thanks, Rick, that’s lovely. But don’t be too hard on yourself.’
‘I’ve actually been going to counselling,’ he said quietly, the most embarrassed and uncomfortable Alice had ever seen him. ‘I’m learning to love myself. God, doesn’t that make me sound like a complete wanker?’
‘Not at all. I’m glad you’re getting help.’ That was what had been the problem with them – Rick didn’t know how to love someone else properly because he didn’t love himself enough. She’d wanted to help him, fix him, give him the love he felt was missing from his own family, while clinging to him as a crutch for her grief and her own need to be loved after losing her dad. By the time she realised just how damaged he was, they were married and it was too late. If only they’d just stayed friends and she hadn’t ignored all the signs.
‘Please don’t tell anyone about the counselling,’ he said, ‘you know what this place is like.’
‘Yep, I sure do.’ Alice thought of the rumours that she’d run away from when she’d left to go to Adelaide and then Melbourne.
‘I really am sorry, Alice, for everything. The way I treated you …’
‘Thanks, Rick, but it wasn’t just you. And it’s all water under the bridge now.’
‘We were too young. And did it for the wrong reasons.’
‘Hmm.’
Alice turned and looked at him, frowning slightly as she marvelled at how he was the same yet also seemed so very different. Rick, I’ll always be grateful to you for trying to ease my pain over losing Dad. And trying to rescue me from my mother, she thought. But Alice couldn’t bring herself to say these words aloud. She also couldn’t say that she’d discovered the truth – that she didn’t know how to love, either, because she hadn’t been shown unconditional love by her cold mother and was predisposed to try to make it work with the wrong men.
‘God, don’t think I’m trying to crack onto you or anything. I’m not. I’m …’
‘I know. I heard you’re seeing someone, have a lady friend, Olivia said.’
‘Not anymore.’
‘Oh. I’m sorry. I really am. I care about you too, Rick. I do. I want you to be happy.’
‘Thanks. So, things have worked out for you. Rich bloke, uni degree, big new house, I hear. And a new job.’
‘Yep, all those things,’ Alice said without enthusiasm. ‘You know your secret about having counselling?’
‘Yeah,’ Rick said dubiously.
‘Well, I’ll keep your secret if you’ll keep mine.’
‘Sure.’
‘I quit my new job and I’m too scared to tell Mum.’
‘Why?’
‘Why did I quit or why can’t I tell Mum?’
‘Both. And, or,’ he said with a shrug. ‘I’m listening. I’m sensing you need to tell someone.’
‘I lasted four weeks.’
‘Oh. I’m sure you had your reasons.’
‘Mum’ll gloat about what a failure I am and how my fancy education hasn’t got me anywhere, blah, blah, blah.’
‘You’re probably going to have to tell her, you know. Sometime.’
‘I was hoping to find another job before I did,’ Alice said, looking down and shifting the dirt with her feet. ‘Christ, my life’s an absolute mess! David thinks I’m a failure too.’
‘Oh come on. I’m sure that’s not the case.’
‘It was a really good job – well, on paper. In real estate.’
‘Real estate!’
‘Yeah. What’s wrong with that?’
‘Alice, you’re too nice for selling real estate. Isn’t it cutthroat, all about money and sales – especially in a place like Melbourne?’
Why can everyone see this and not me? Alice thought. ‘I wanted to help people,’ she said.
‘Oh, Alice.’ And Alice was slightly taken aback to hear him actually laugh. She glared at him. ‘Sorry, but that’s funny. Real estate helping people? I don’t think so.’
‘Thanks a lot,’ Alice said, miffed, but smiled despite herself. ‘Yeah, well, live and learn.’
‘So, what went wrong? Why did you leave?’
‘My boss was mean. A real bitch, which I probably could have handled if she didn’t completely mess with my head as well.’
‘She sounds lovely. Was she a bully?’
‘Yeah, that too.’ Alice didn’t want to go too far into it.
‘Well, good on you for having the guts to leave, I say.’
‘Thanks, Rick. That means a lot. As I said, David is less than impressed with me.’
; ‘But you wouldn’t have left without giving it a damned good shot. I know you, Alice, you give things a decent crack.’
‘I know four weeks doesn’t sound long but I was miserable. I tried, but in just that short a time she managed to make me completely question who I was with her mental games.’
‘Jesus, sounds like a psycho. So why would David want you staying in a job like that?’
‘Mortgage. Money. You know, the usual?’
‘Nope. I don’t. No job is worth losing your mind over or being truly unhappy. Money isn’t everything. It’s nice to have, but it’s not everything. I’ve learnt that. I reckon health’s more important,’ he said sagely. ‘If David loved you, he wouldn’t … Shit. Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’ll butt out.’
‘You’re right, though,’ Alice said sadly. You were seriously cruel to me at times, but here you are being so sensitive and kind. Who would have thought?
‘It’ll work out. You’ll see,’ Rick said, putting an arm around Alice and giving her a squeeze.
‘I hope so.’
‘We’d better get going before they send out a search party,’ he said.
‘Yeah, you’re probably right.’ Though the last thing Alice wanted was to leave this little sanctuary she’d found.
‘Do you think we could be friends, Alice, and kind of stay in touch a bit?’ Rick asked as they walked. ‘Not talking on the phone and stuff, but like on Facebook …?’
‘I don’t see why not.’
They continued in silence until they got to the gate where Frank, her mum and Olivia were waiting. The approving look on her mother’s face told her she was practically starting to prepare the guest list for Rick and Alice’s second wedding. As if it would somehow erase the shame and embarrassment of the first one imploding. No way, Mum. It’s never going to happen.
‘Isn’t it nice of Alice to grace us with her presence? All the way from Melbourne,’ Dawn said in her nasty, sing-song voice. And there was the sneer that Alice now knew was practically a trademark of the narcissist.
‘Yes. It’s great to see her,’ Rick said.
‘Did Alice tell you about her new job? In real estate,’ Dawn said with some evident pride. And any calmness Alice had achieved suddenly evaporated. She felt the blood draining from her face, her insides freeze, the bile rise.
‘She did,’ Rick said. ‘And about her uni course. She’s done so well to get a degree; that’s a great achievement in itself. You should be very proud.’
Alice’s heart surged towards him and she wished she could have said thanks or offered him a grateful smile without anyone noticing.
‘Well, come on, we’ll miss the wake at the rate we’re going,’ Dawn said.
Alice suddenly really didn’t want to go. She’d finally got her tears to stop. And she was feeling anxious about all the lies she was telling. No doubt her mother had told the whole district about her new job in real estate, and she would be asked about it by at least a hundred people. Oh god. Right then she almost blurted, ‘Mum, I’ve quit my job. There. Get your lecture over with.’ Or maybe she’d say that as she left to walk across the tarmac at the airport tomorrow. She’d be out of contact for the next few hours while Dawn processed it.
‘Rick, come to dinner tonight,’ Alice’s mother said suddenly. ‘Unless you have other plans.’
‘Oh. Um.’ He looked stricken, like a rabbit caught in the middle of the road in the headlights. Alice was about to save him by saying he was seeing someone, but stopped herself. He’s a big boy. Anyway, it would be good to have him as a distraction – take the headlights off her.
‘Alice is heading back tomorrow. Of course she came for Ruth and not to see us,’ Dawn said huffily.
Oh my god. Did you just say that? You’re competing with a dead woman for my attention. You can’t be serious! She shot Rick a stricken look.
‘I’d love to come, Dawn,’ he said, offering Alice’s mother a dazzling smile. ‘So, Alice, you may as well drive to the wake with me, then.’
Right then Alice could have kissed him. She couldn’t bear the thought of getting into the car with them. Dinner would be bad enough.
‘Well, you could have said,’ Olivia said, and stomped off.
‘Yes, Alice, we’ve been waiting here for you,’ her mother said.
‘It’s fine, Alice, we’ll see you there,’ Frank said. ‘Dawn, darling, we wouldn’t have got out of here yet with all the cars anyway.’
As she walked with Rick to his car, taking a little satisfaction in seeing the stunned expressions of people around her, Alice thought she would be forever grateful to him for being here for her today.
Chapter Twenty-three
‘I’m over this way,’ Rick said, nodding his head to the right. Alice had to hurry to keep up with his long stride, regretting, not for the first time, wearing heels. They weren’t high, but probably anything might have felt high and uncomfortable today – anything beyond slippers.
‘Thanks so much for this,’ Alice said. ‘I would’ve thought spending less time with Mum and co would make me more tolerant, but oh no. The longer and further away I am, the more I’m realising how toxic they are and how much I really don’t like them. Not Frank, he’s lovely. Though I don’t know how he copes. Sorry to go on.’
‘Your mum sure was being a bit full on. Maybe it’s her response to the funeral.’
‘Maybe. But she doesn’t seem at all upset about Ruth – stoic through and through. She’s barely even mentioned her name.’
‘Weren’t they best friends once?’
‘Yep. Hey, thanks for agreeing to tonight, too.’
‘I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do or not. Tongues will start wagging.’
‘Like I care. Let them. It won’t be any worse than when we split up.’
‘No …’
‘Anyway, wait until they see us turn up at the wake and then leave together. There’ll be an uproar. God, I both love and loathe this place,’ Alice said wearily.
‘You don’t come back very often these days, do you?’
‘Nope. Only when necessary – weddings, funerals, Christmas. Seriously, Mum does my head in. And it’s getting worse now I’m away from it and it’s all becoming so much clearer. As I said. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing,’ she added with a tight laugh.
‘Today wouldn’t be so bad if your bloke could have come too.’
‘Hmm.’ Then he could have endured the inquisition as well.
‘I never realised how bad your mum was. I’m sorry. I’m sure there were lots of times I didn’t support you enough on that score,’ he said, turning and looking at her before getting into the car.
There certainly were. ‘Yeah, but I understand. She’s very good at subtle manipulation, bullying by stealth, so no one realises. I’m only just seeing a lot of it myself. Anyway, you’ve got to stop apologising. It’s all in the past. I’m so exhausted, I’m not going to want to get out of this car ever again,’ she said, getting in and trying to ignore the weird sensation that this had been their car and this had often been her seat before so much had changed. It even smelt the same as it used to. How was that possible after more than four years? It was quite unsettling to be sitting beside him, but still it was better than being badgered by her sister or mother. Or enduring their silent, icy treatment that came and went without warning or any logical reason.
‘I might have come back more often if there was a way I could sneak into town and out again without having to see them,’ Alice said. But Ruth’s gone now …?
‘Wow. Really. You feel that strongly?’ He looked as shocked as she had been when Brett had mentioned he was estranged from his family.
‘Yep. Sounds awful, huh? I’m just really beginning to see the damage they’ve done to me and I guess I’m scared of being pulled back into that toxic world again. I think I’m the one who owes you an apology on that front.’
‘Huh?’
‘I was a bully and bossy and picked on you, too, ju
st like you said when we were splitting up. I can see that now. I’m really sorry, Rick.’
‘Ah, as you’ve said – it’s all in the past. A lot of not very nice things were said by both of us. I think we’re even on that score. Hey, if you ever do want to sneak into town, you’d always be welcome to stay at the house.’
‘Thanks, but I think that would be taking us being friends a little too far, not to mention weird and creepy.’
‘I guess offering to pick you up from the plane would be a bit OTT, too, huh?’
‘Yes. As much as I’d love to avoid my mother and sister, it’s probably easier to just go along with it. You’d think moving to Melbourne would be far enough away …’ she said heavily.
‘Oh, I think Dawn would manage to infiltrate your life and try to tell you how to run it no matter where you were. You wouldn’t even be safe in Siberia, I reckon.’
‘No. You’re probably right,’ Alice said with a laugh. She liked feeling that Rick understood her, had her back, could see the truth, even if he was probably humouring her, trying too hard. If she put aside all the pain he’d caused her she might relax even more. But her tiredness was keeping her on edge, which was probably a good thing. That and all she’d been through with Carmel. Alice felt as if she couldn’t trust anyone these days, except Lauren. Okay, she could trust David but he just didn’t seem to understand her. He was good to her, wasn’t he? Everything would be better when she got back and life returned to normal. Whatever normal was, really. Right now she had to concentrate on keeping it together through the wake and then trying not to snap at her mother or sister over dinner. After that she could go to sleep and then there was only breakfast and the trip back to the airport to deal with. It didn’t sound like much, but Alice felt as if she were embarking on a mountain climb or some other extreme endurance event.
A Life of Her Own Page 19