A Life of Her Own

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘Well, I’ll leave you to mingle and catch you later,’ Rick said as they entered the local golf club. ‘I’m going to get a beer.’

  ‘Okay,’ Alice said.

  ‘Alice, it’s so good of you to come,’ Ruth’s husband, Thomas, said, gathering her to him.

  ‘I’m so sorry for your loss, Thomas,’ she said with a gulp as her tears started again.

  ‘Thank you. It means so much that you’re here,’ he said, holding her by the shoulders and looking into her face. ‘Ruth thought of you as another daughter, as well as a dear friend. We both did, do. Oh, okay, yes, sorry, Alice, I’d better keep moving,’ he said as someone touched his arm to get his attention. ‘Thanks again for coming all this way, Alice, it means a lot,’ he said. And then he was gone.

  Alice was left standing there, wondering if she could somehow escape now. Suddenly she felt the presence of someone close beside her, and her arm was gripped firmly.

  ‘Come on, Alice,’ her mother said, tugging at her.

  Alice spent the next – she wasn’t sure how long – being dragged around, paraded around, really, by her mother, from person to person, and introduced as if she didn’t know this woman or that man, despite having known them all her life. Practically the whole district had been at her eighteenth, twenty-first, engagement, and wedding celebrations. If she didn’t know better, she might suspect her mother was suffering memory problems.

  Thankfully Dawn didn’t give her daughter any opportunity to speak or answer questions for herself, and Alice managed to keep all her lies intact. A few times she cringed at her mother replying, ‘Well, of course someone has to die for her to actually come home,’ in response to someone saying how nice it was that Alice had made the trip. She wondered if anyone else noticed the barbs Dawn tossed about at her expense, or the hypocrisy that on the one hand Alice’s mother seemed thrilled to have her daughter here to parade around proudly, yet at the same time was telling her off and putting her down. Why did everyone think her mother was oh so lovely?

  Alice wished she could find a witty, sarcastic retort to throw into the mix, but even if she could think that quickly on her feet, she wouldn’t want to lower herself to her mother’s level and give her more ammunition. Deep down, Alice knew she’d never win when it came to her mother. Damned if she did, damned if she didn’t. She tried not to wonder if she’d treated Rick like this. Oh well, it didn’t matter now.

  ‘Right, ready to go,’ Rick said, appearing beside her. Speak of the devil.

  ‘Yes. That would be good. Thanks.’ Alice thought she’d managed to get around to most people she’d wanted to see.

  As she followed Rick out to the car she released a long sigh of relief. She was halfway through this ordeal. Just dinner, breakfast and the trip to the plane to get through. Right at that moment Alice thought it might almost be worth the gossip to stay at Rick’s place rather than with her mother, and nearly laughed aloud at the sad thought of Rick being preferable to her immediate family. The truth hurts, she concluded sadly and settled into the passenger’s seat.

  They arrived at the family shop, where Dawn and Frank lived on the top floor, moments before Frank and Olivia’s cars pulled up.

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll carry your bag, Alice,’ Olivia said pointedly, holding up Alice’s carry-on case.

  ‘Thanks, Liv,’ Alice said, refusing to take the bait. She’d actually completely forgotten about it.

  ‘Olivia, you do the greens. Alice, you set the table,’ Dawn said. ‘Frank, sort out the drinks. Rick, go and see if Trevor needs a hand closing up.’

  Alice and Rick shared a knowing look, but both were wise enough to remain silent and do as they were told. As Alice took out the cutlery she marvelled at how amazing it was that while her life had completely changed – she’d changed so much – in the last few years, for the better until recent events, everything here and with her family apparently hadn’t. Oh, except the placemats, she suddenly realised as her mother cried out, ‘Come on, not those – the blue ones. Next drawer across.’ While Alice wanted to defend herself and point out that she didn’t actually live here anymore, so shouldn’t be expected to know these things, she didn’t want to provide another opportunity for her mother to deride her for not visiting more often.

  Finally they were all seated around the table, including Olivia’s husband Trevor, who Alice had never particularly liked but had never managed to put her finger on quite why. Most likely he was too much like Olivia and their mother and simply pushed all her hot buttons too. Or perhaps it was because he was a weak ‘yes’ man and she couldn’t muster enough respect for him because of it. Frank was too, and it bothered Alice, but Trevor was missing the gentle kindness that Frank possessed.

  She cringed when Trevor said, ‘Nice to see you, Alice,’ in the same derisive, drawling voice that her mother and Olivia used. And there it is. Case in point, she thought, sipping her wine. The last thing Alice felt like was alcohol, but she didn’t want to prompt the question of whether she was pregnant, which would then see her mother making comments about marriage and David’s lack of commitment, blah, blah, blah. They were big drinkers, so anyone abstaining caused a ruckus. She’d have to keep her wits about her. While it might be nice to block out the evening with an alcohol haze, potentially letting her guard down was the problem. And the last thing she needed was a hangover.

  Alice looked at her plate wondering what they were about to eat.

  Thankfully her mother suddenly proudly declared, ‘Chilli con carne, eat up.’

  She now remembered how unappetising her mother’s meals had been when she was growing up. Dawn had always been on some health kick or other – eliminating this or that, overdosing them on something else.

  That was one of the things Alice had loved about spending time with Ruth and her family, she thought sadly. Ruth hadn’t cooked – and made no apology for it. Often when it was dinnertime they’d all trot off to the roadhouse, the only takeaway place in town, for a quarter-chicken-chips-peas-and-gravy hot pack – an absolute no-no in Alice’s house. The Stanley kids were occasionally also allowed the wonderful sugary cereal that Alice had craved. One of her favourite memories was going to Ruth’s place and watching PG movies – without parental supervision – when they’d been thirteen, clutching small bowls of dry Froot Loops and Coco Pops to munch on. She knew it wasn’t the differences in food that she had loved so much, but the calm, gentle, easy-going atmosphere that permeated the whole Stanley house – a far cry from the tension and shouting within the Hamiltons’ walls.

  ‘So, while we’re all here, it’s a good time to discuss what we’re doing for Christmas,’ Dawn said when there was a pause in the conversation, halfway through the meal.

  Out of the corner of her eye Alice noticed Rick shift on his chair as if trying to disappear or at least distance himself. How inappropriate, Mum. And how awkward can you make things?

  ‘Alice?’ Dawn prompted.

  ‘Oh. David and I haven’t discussed it yet,’ she lied, hoping those around the table would attribute the extra colour in her cheeks to the glass of red wine she’d consumed.

  ‘Good. That’s settled, then. We’ll have it here,’ Dawn said.

  ‘Well, actually, we might be going away,’ Alice said quickly, knowing it was easier to pave the way now than trying to back out later.

  ‘I thought you said you haven’t discussed it yet. What is it, Alice, you have or you haven’t discussed it?’ her mother demanded.

  Oh god. ‘Um. Well …’

  ‘Dear, it’s months away,’ Frank said, putting a hand on his wife’s arm.

  Thank god for Frank, Alice thought.

  ‘Christmas is a time for family, Alice. Where are you thinking of going? Perhaps we can all go?’ Dawn said.

  Jesus, no!

  ‘Rick, you’re having Christmas with your family, aren’t you?’

  ‘You know, Dawn, I might just go somewhere else this year, too. I haven’t really thought about it.’

 
‘Ooh, well I wouldn’t mind going to Melbourne – Alice and David have got plenty of space now. It’d be a cheap trip,’ Trevor said.

  Alice had to bite her lip to stop herself from telling him to shut up.

  ‘Let’s table the discussion for another day,’ Frank said wearily. ‘Who’s for a refill?’ he added, holding up the bottle of wine. Alice held up her glass, as much for a distraction as want of more wine. Bless you, Frank. But, if you’re aware enough to intervene, how is it you’re still here at all? That is the question.

  Suddenly Rick pushed his chair back. ‘Thanks for dinner, Dawn, Frank. I’d better be going. See you all,’ he said with a wave. ‘Have a safe trip back, Alice.’

  ‘Thanks. And thanks for today,’ she said.

  Taking that as a sign dinner was over, she stood up and started clearing the table when Frank said, ‘You go to bed, love. You’ve had a long day of travelling. We’ll look after the washing up.’

  Alice thought she heard her mother scoff, but hoped she’d been mistaken.

  ‘Yes, all right, go,’ her mother said with clear exasperation – most likely at Frank for intervening and taking away some of her control.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Alice stepped into the shower and let the tears flow freely. She felt racked with grief over Ruth, a yearning for the unconditional love and affection of Bill and the steadfastness and predictability of David, and sadness at how little love there was for her here. And then the jagged edge of self-pity and anger stabbed at her. Why would I expect it to get any better, be any different? Why do I keep seeking approval and love when I know I will never get it? How was it that as a well-educated, thirty-year-old woman, she could feel like an angst-ridden child of around ten all over again just with one icy glare, one cutting remark, one sneering, crooked smile from her mother? That was the age she had been when she first noticed how cold and distant her mother was, and when Alice had made her first conscious efforts to get her mother to notice her, praise her, love her. Now after having read the articles about narcissism, Alice knew the truth – that she’d never had warmth and love from her mother. So why the hell do I still try so hard? Why do I even come back here?

  Well, of course this trip was different. Would she one day have the guts to completely cut them off, like Brett apparently had his family?

  She went to bed, ignored David’s phone message and sent him a text instead. She’d call him in the morning, when perhaps she’d feel less exhausted.

  Despite her wretched tiredness, Alice tossed and turned, unable to slip into sleep. Eventually she must have though, because she woke with a start to the sound of her phone’s alarm going off. She had a quick shower and got ready before her mother could tell her she was running late. Then she took her bag out to the front door and placed her handbag on top. In the kitchen Frank was at the stove, a pan sizzling in front of him.

  ‘It’s just us. Your mum and Olivia have gone walking,’ he said. ‘Did you sleep okay?’

  ‘No, not really,’ Alice said after letting out a long sigh of relief. She liked that she could be honest with Frank and not receive an interrogation or any criticism.

  ‘Completely understandable. With another big day of travelling ahead, I thought you might like a decent breakfast. Shh. Our little secret,’ he added with a warm smile.

  ‘Thanks, Frank, that’s lovely of you.’ She didn’t have the heart to tell him just the smell of the bacon was making her feel queasy.

  ‘I don’t care what your mother says, sometimes one needs a hearty dose of carbs and animal fat,’ Frank said kindly, placing a plate laden with fried food in front of Alice. ‘Coffee?’ Her appetite returned instantly and her mouth began to water.

  ‘Yes, please. This looks great. I really appreciate it.’

  ‘It’s my pleasure. And of course you can’t eat alone. So, thanks for being my excuse to indulge.’

  ‘I suppose I’ll be in trouble for not getting up early enough to go for a walk with them.’

  ‘Ah, don’t worry about that. Right now you need to take care of yourself, deal with your grief any way you see fit.’

  Alice smiled at him, and she longed to lay her head on his shoulder and sob. ‘I really miss her, even though … Oh, Frank, I feel so bad that we weren’t in touch much lately.’

  ‘Ruth knew you had your life to get on with. You can’t be beating yourself up. I’m sure she was happy to know you didn’t need her quite so much.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘Don’t worry, we’ve got plenty of time,’ Frank said, clearly noticing Alice anxiously checking her watch. ‘I’m taking you and we’ll leave nice and early – as soon as we’ve had breakfast and cleaned up the evidence.’

  Alice let out another sigh – relieved that she wouldn’t have to share the car with her mum or sister, as well as knowing that she’d make the plane in time. For some reason her mother, and Olivia was the same, despite all her hurrying up and cajoling of everyone else, seemed to have no concept of time. She was always a few minutes late or took things right to the wire. Getting to school had always been stressful for Alice, and all too often she would find herself sitting in the car minutes after they should have left, honking the horn. Back then it seemed like her mother’s annoying habit. Now, since she’d read about the traits of narcissism, Alice could see it was both a deliberate way for her mother to cause drama and draw attention to herself and a demonstration of a rules-don’t-apply-to-me attitude.

  As they washed and dried the dishes side by side, Alice wondered how Dawn treated Frank behind closed doors. Hopefully better than in public. Otherwise she’d lose all respect for him for allowing himself to be downtrodden and bullied. Perhaps Alice was just overly sensitive and intolerant, as her mother had so often told her.

  ‘Righto, let’s get on the road,’ Frank said, wiping his hands and hanging up the tea towel.

  Alice felt a little guilty at being relieved she wouldn’t have an encounter with her mother or sister to ruin her morning, which had been better than expected so far. But two streets from the house there they were, power walking towards the car, their hips swinging at the same angles and rate. Alice almost giggled at wondering who was trying to outdo whom. She imagined them walking faster and faster, each trying to keep in front but not make the competition obvious by breaking into a run. God, it was too much, Alice thought, shaking her head. They were so bloody alike. Thank Christ I got out of this place. And that I’m more like Dad, bless him.

  ‘Good morning, ladies,’ Frank said, as he brought the car to a halt in the middle of the road.

  ‘A walk would have been good for you, Alice,’ her mother said, resting her hands on the passenger window. ‘Fresh country air.’

  ‘Yeah, it would have been fun to have you along,’ Olivia said.

  So you could try and beat me too? No thanks. Alice smiled to herself at remembering their last walk together – it was so much easier to get up and go with them than endure the jibes about her laziness for the rest of the day. ‘I’m on holidays, I’m allowed to sleep in,’ didn’t wash with them. Having made a half-hearted effort to keep up but given up, Alice had deliberately lagged behind and walked at a more enjoyable pace. She wasn’t unfit, just didn’t want to play their silly game.

  ‘Well, have a safe trip back,’ Dawn said. Both she and Olivia were now stepping up and down on the spot, looking as ridiculous as someone in a 1980s or ‘90s exercise class. All they were missing was a fluoro pink dumbbell in each hand and matching leg warmers. ‘We’d better keep moving before we catch a chill.’

  ‘Yes, we don’t want to cramp up. Bon voyage,’ Olivia said.

  Alice almost laughed out loud. You’re not bloody elite athletes, you’ve been for an hour’s walk! Oh, too funny.

  ‘Thanks. Enjoy the rest of your walk,’ Alice said. Olivia strode off with a wave.

  ‘Perhaps next time, Alice, you might actually come and visit us. And stay for longer than twenty-four hours,’ her mother said.

  ‘Ok
ay, then, we’d better get cracking. See you later,’ Frank said.

  Thanks a bloody lot. And why do you think I don’t bother? How could someone be so stupid as to not see that such comments just drove people away, or kept them away? Not stupidity, Alice corrected herself, it was self-centredness. It was quite sad really when you looked at it through analytical, enlightened eyes. Of course she still felt wounded, but it helped Alice to know so much more about the psychology behind these people.

  ‘She doesn’t mean to upset you, Alice,’ Frank said as they drove off.

  Oh yes she does. It’s textbook narcissism, from what I’ve read. She longed to fill Frank in on what she’d learnt, but didn’t want to hurt him. God only knew why, but this was the woman he loved and had chosen to spend his later years of life with.

  ‘I know,’ she lied in an effort to mollify him.

  ‘Is everything okay, Alice?’ Frank asked after they’d been driving in silence for a while. ‘Other than the obvious, I mean … Losing Ruth and tiredness from travelling.’

  ‘I’m fine, Frank.’ She could tell him the truth, but she didn’t think he was the sort of man to keep secrets from his wife – a greasy breakfast now and then hardly counted. And she couldn’t very well ask him to. That wouldn’t be fair.

  Alice was relieved when the ping of a message sounded on her phone and she was able to concentrate on that. It was from David: Sorry. Probably won’t be able to make it to the airport. You’ll have to catch a cab.

  Alice let out a sigh and tucked the phone back into her handbag.

  ‘Bad news?’ Frank asked.

  ‘Not really. Just David saying he probably can’t pick me up from the airport.’

  ‘Oh, that is disappointing.’

  ‘But not at all surprising. Work. It’s always work.’

  ‘Is everything okay with you – you and David, that is?’

  ‘Yeah, we’re fine.’

  The silence stretched on until Frank said, ‘Oh, I love this song. Do you mind if I turn it up?’

  ‘Sure.’

  Alice was a little puzzled, she hadn’t even realised the radio was on it was turned so low. She was even more intrigued to hear ABBA filling the car. And then Frank was singing along. A few moments later he stopped.