‘Yes, thanks. I’m just having a moment,’ Alice said.
‘I’m happy to stop and chat if it would help,’ the woman said.
‘Honestly, I’m fine, but I really appreciate you stopping and asking.’
‘Okay then. It’s good for the soul to have a good cry – and physiologically. So, let it out. All the best.’
‘Thanks very much. And same to you.’
Alice sat and waited until there were no more tears to shed and then with her whole body aching, she made her way home. She was almost back when she realised she’d left without her keys. She cursed her lapse as she rang the doorbell and stood there trying to not look as sheepish as she felt.
David opened the door and before she could get inside he enveloped her in a hug.
‘Please don’t be angry with me. I don’t want us to fight,’ he said.
Alice held David tight, using that as her answer while thinking, I’m not angry. I’m sad.
Chapter Twenty-six
‘Hey, Lauren,’ Alice said, opening the door to her friend and embracing her. ‘Do you need coffee or would you like to go for a walk?’
‘I’ve just had a coffee, thanks, and how could I say no to that face?’ Lauren said, pointing to Bill who was standing in the hallway behind Alice.
‘Tell me about it,’ Alice said. ‘He does pleading-dog pose so well. Hang on, I’ll just grab his lead and my phone and keys.’
‘He’s very good on the lead,’ Lauren said while they waited at the lights to cross the busy road.
‘Either his previous owners – who I don’t want to think about – or the RSPCA did all the hard work with obedience training. He’s a dream all round.’
‘So, how are you doing?’ Lauren asked when they were at the park and had started walking along the path. ‘Did you tell your mum about chucking in the job?’
‘No, I chickened out. I left that particular grenade with Frank, her husband. He told her, so now I’m dodging her calls.’
‘Oh dear. How was the trip back there, other than the funeral, which I imagine was pretty horrendous?’
‘The funeral was sad, as you’d expect. I’m glad I went, though.’
‘You know you probably wouldn’t have been able to if you hadn’t quit.’
‘Exactly. So that’s one good thing to come out of it.’
‘So, did you know everyone – it’s one of those types of places, isn’t it?’
‘Yep. Oh, you’ll never guess who turned up, that I wasn’t expecting to see.’
‘Who?’
‘My ex-husband, Rick.’
‘Oh, wow, awkward.’
‘Actually, no, it wasn’t at all.’
‘Ooh, tell me more.’
‘He was my saviour.’
‘I think you’d better tell me everything.’
‘Well …’ Alice started and told Lauren everything. ‘And then Mum invited him for dinner. It was like we were right back there when we were married.’
‘Jesus, that’s some weird shit right there.’
‘Yup, it sure is.’
‘Doesn’t she realise you’re in a committed relationship, or doesn’t she like David?’
‘I have no idea what goes through that woman’s head. Seriously, reading all I have on narcissism and toxic families and the like, after Brett told us about his family, has put some things into perspective. I really don’t like my family, Lauren. Except Frank, god only knows why he sticks around.’
‘And that’s okay.’
‘I know. In some ways I envy Brett his decision to cut ties with his.’
‘Yes, but it’s been hard for him. Really hard.’
Something in Lauren’s wistful tone caught Alice’s attention. ‘Hang on. Are you two an item?’ she said, glancing at Lauren who was blushing slightly and looking a little shy.
‘Yep.’
‘Since when?’
‘We had a long deep and meaningful on the phone after that lunch and another over coffee, and then another. As you know, we’ve been mates for years, but I think him being so open and honest with his feelings flicked a switch in me. It’s early days. We’re taking it slow. He’s still working through a lot of stuff, including the fact he’s chosen the wrong partners in the past because of the whole narcissism thing.’
‘Have you kissed?’
‘Yup,’ Lauren said, dipping her head coyly.
‘And …?’
‘Lovely. Really lovely,’ Lauren said with a long, contented sigh. ‘Just a bit of a snog, no more. As I said, he needs to feel his way a bit.’
‘I bet,’ Alice said, shooting Lauren a cheeky grin.
‘Oh, ha-ha,’ Lauren said, rolling her eyes and slapping Alice’s arm.
‘I’m only teasing. I think it’s wonderful. He’s definitely one of the good ones.’
‘I think so. I like that we’re already such good friends. Though, I can’t believe I’ve never considered him as anything more.’
‘Well, we did all wonder if he was gay there for a while in the early days, remember?’
‘That’s right. Isn’t it amazing that just because a guy is kind and gentle and talks about his feelings we immediately think he’s gay? Talk about putting people into categories.’
‘It was an honest mistake. He does also have a fabulous dress sense and his hair is always immaculately done.’
‘That is true,’ Lauren said with a laugh. ‘Oh, Alice, I don’t want to rush things or jinx it, but I think I’m falling in love,’ Lauren said with another long drawn-out sigh.
‘Aww, that’s lovely. I’m so happy for you. You would make a good-looking couple.’
‘Mmm.’
They walked on at a pace barely more than an amble. Lauren’s relaxed state and dreamy smile were contagious and Alice remained silent, soaking it in as she watched her friend, who was clearly lost in thoughts of her blossoming love.
‘God, look at me, I’m losing chunks of time all over the place. You’d think I was a silly teenager,’ Lauren said suddenly, as if snapping back to the present. She picked up the pace a little.
‘I don’t mind at all. It’s a beautiful thing.’
‘Yes, but I don’t want to go losing my head and my perspective. We’re taking things slow,’ she said in a firm tone. ‘So, back to you. How are you feeling about the whole Carmel thing – any more nightmares?’
‘Just the odd one, but it’s not so bad now. I still cry all the time. But speaking of sharing their emotions. Or not. I’m beginning to think David doesn’t actually have any, isn’t capable of anything deep.’
‘Oh dear. What’s happened?’
‘Oh god, Lauren, I think I’ve blown it.’
‘How?’
‘My whole life is completely in tatters, and I don’t know what to do to fix it. Well, other than get a new job, which is proving impossible. And, see,’ Alice said, pointing to her face, ‘I’m bloody well crying again. I’m a freaking mess.’
‘I think we’d better sit down on this bench before Bill collapses from exhaustion.’
‘Oh shit. Poor thing.’ Alice stopped and sat down. They’d done two quick laps of the park without realising he was panting heavily. She looked at Bill who had flopped down on his belly on the cool grass with his legs stretched out, and offered a silent apology for her neglect.
‘Right. Now, what’s happened with David?’
‘I didn’t mean to say it; the words just came tumbling out.’
‘What words, Alice? Take a deep breath and tell me – slowly.’
‘He picked me up from the airport, which was brilliant of him, especially when I wasn’t expecting it. And we were in the car and suddenly I’m like, “Are we ever going to get married?” And it turns out he’s serious about not believing in marriage – I really hoped he was dodging the conversation or that he’d change his mind. Anyway, and then I …’
‘Right,’ Lauren said when Alice had finished.
‘So, what do I do?’ Alice said, looking at Lauren
. She was feeling a little breathless, but was relieved to have it out in the open. ‘I don’t know if I believe in marriage anymore, either, anyway. What was I thinking?’
‘I think we probably all crave belonging – someone choosing us – to a certain extent. Maybe it’s in our DNA, or it’s societal, or something. But I reckon it’s there. We just have to make sure it’s with the right person and for the right reason. That’s what Brett’s working through,’ Lauren said. ‘He says he’s discovered his view of love is skewed because he was never shown what true love is as a child.’
‘I think I’m in the same boat. What do I do?’
‘What do you want to do? Make up, which it sounds like you sort of have, anyway, or leave?’
‘Oh, I don’t think I could leave. Look, that idea has literally given me goosebumps,’ Alice said, holding out her arm for Lauren to see.
‘Because you’re afraid of being alone?’
‘I guess. And where would I go? I’ve got Bill to think of too. Most landlords and body corporates don’t like dogs. That’s why we never had one before. I don’t have any money. I don’t have a job or any means to support myself. See, it’s all such a mess.’
‘You do know everything works itself out, regardless of our angst and hair pulling, don’t you?’
‘I really don’t feel like it right now.’
‘You’re going through a lot of emotions. Maybe it’s best you’ve said you won’t make a decision until David’s project ends. Maybe you’ll change your mind and be happy with him again by then, when all this other stuff settles and you’re feeling better within yourself.’
‘Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been truly happy with him. I’m beginning to see that he was an escape route – a way out for me from my family, my circumstances and Hope Springs. God, can you imagine my mother at hearing I’ve had another failed relationship. She’s already having apoplexy about the job, judging by the voicemail messages she’s leaving.’
‘That’s no reason to stay, Alice,’ Lauren said gently.
‘I know, but, god, facing her – and my smug, perfect sister – makes staying feel like the lesser of the two evils.’
‘That’s sad. I’m so sorry you don’t have a kind, loving family. I can’t imagine how hard that must be. So, I guess asking them for some financial assistance wouldn’t be an option?’
‘Definitely not. An absolute last resort.’
They sat in silence for a few moments before Alice spoke again. ‘Thank you for being my friend, Lauren.’
‘Well, I’m not sure I’m very helpful.’
‘You’re being the voice of reason, and you care. And right now that’s what I need.’
‘Everything will work out for the best, you’ll see.’
‘Promise?’
‘I promise. In not too long you’ll be in a much better place and you’ll look back on this time and laugh at how hopeless it all seemed. Meanwhile, I think you need to relax, ease up on yourself, not expect to have all the answers – that’s the universe’s job. Put it out there and ask for help. That’s what I do. Make a list of the things you need to deal with to achieve your goal and whatever is bothering you, and then assess whether whatever it is is in your control. If it is, then work out what you need to do – the steps, actions, et cetera, to achieve it. If it’s not in your control, then put a line through it and assign it to the “not my problem” bin. Write notes if that’s easier than trying to keep it all in your head – that might just add to you feeling overwhelmed. Anyway, you know all this. Remember how you knew what you needed to do with all the uni essays and assignments. You were good at that.’
‘But that was all so straightforward.’
‘Approach life, all the stuff that’s bothering you, the same way – methodically. Turn it all into bite-sized pieces. Everything can be broken down and managed bit by bit. But please don’t settle for less than you deserve in life because it’s too hard or overwhelming to change. I bet you felt exactly the same when you and your husband split up. And look where you’ve ended up and how much stronger you are now than you were then.’
‘I don’t feel it.’
‘Ah, that’s just because your confidence has taken a knock thanks to that bitch Carmel, and you’re grieving the loss of your dear friend Ruth. Do you know they say divorce, moving house and losing a loved one are the hardest things you’ll ever do in life? You’ve been through a lot recently. Cut yourself some slack. Breathe.’
‘God, what would I do without you?’ Alice said, leaning over and hugging her friend.
‘I’m here for you, Alice. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help or leaning on a friend. Just remember that. Come on, let’s go back and have that lovely machine of yours make us a coffee.’
‘Yeah, and then I’d better get back to the job hunt.’
‘Still nothing?’
‘Nope. Not even an interview. And that’s before the matter of no-reference-from-last-direct-report comes up. Though no doubt my reluctance is coming across loud and clear. I so don’t want to go back to an office, but that’s really all I know.’
‘What about customer service? Doesn’t your family run a shop?’
‘Yes, but there’s no way I’m going to ask them for a reference. And, anyway, that might be a little iffy on the ethics, wouldn’t you say?’
‘Probably. But sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to for the greater good. Sorry, that sounded condescending. What I meant is don’t discount actions that are a means to an end.’
‘I don’t think you’d be a true friend with my best interests at heart if you didn’t offer some tough love occasionally, Lauren, as much as I mightn’t like to hear it.’
‘Okay, well, speaking of that …’
‘Uh-oh,’ Alice said.
‘I think that’s your phone ringing.’
‘Yeah, it might just be my dream job that I don’t know I want and haven’t applied for,’ Alice said, pulling her phone out of her pocket. She stared at the number. It was vaguely familiar, but it wasn’t in her contacts. ‘They can leave a message,’ she said as she let the call go to voicemail. ‘So, what were you going to say? You were about to dish out some tough love.’
‘I’ve been thinking it might be a good idea for you to desensitise yourself with Carmel by going to one of her auctions or inspections. She wouldn’t have to know you were there and I think it would help your anxiety – by facing up to your fear.’
‘Oh. Just the thought of it makes my heart race,’ Alice said, putting a hand to her chest.
‘Seriously, Alice, you can’t keep letting her have this sort of control over you. I know you’ve been through something traumatic because of her, but you’re letting her win, letting her determine the course of your life, to some extent.’
‘I know. You’re right. It’s completely irrational.’
‘It’s not completely irrational, Alice. That’s not what I’m saying. I think you’re having a perfectly reasonable reaction given the circumstances, what she put you through.’
‘I can’t believe I’m like this after working for her for only four weeks or so …’
‘Alice, if someone was a mess after being locked up by a psychopath for just one day – held captive – you’d be sympathetic. I don’t think time is a factor. You can’t help it if you’re super sensitive. Now you just have to try to limit the damage and lasting effects.’
‘I feel like such a fool for being so affected by it.’
‘You need to stop that, Alice. You feel what you feel, end of story. Everyone’s reaction to anything is different, their own. I’m not judging you. I’m trying to help.’
‘I know, and I really appreciate it. It’s just hard,’ Alice said.
‘I know it’s hard. But, remember, nothing worthwhile is ever easy.’
‘That sucks,’ Alice said.
‘Yes, it does.’
‘But you’re right. I need to get a grip on it. My whole life feels pretty screwed up
right now, so maybe this is one little part I can try to fix.’
‘That’s the spirit. And, for the record, it might be playing a bigger part in your whole life than you realise.’
‘Yeah, that’s probably true. You’re so wise.’
‘Well, I’m not so sure about that. So, will you go with me – to one of Carmel’s auctions or opens?’
‘Okay. When do you have in mind?’
‘Sooner the better. How about Saturday? Here,’ she said after fossicking in her bag and drawing out a folded sheet of paper. She smoothed it out on her lap before handing it to Alice. ‘You’d be doing me a favour, too, actually,’ she said, ‘by keeping me company. Dad wants me to go and bid for him and I’m bloody terrified. So, some moral support would be very welcome.’
‘Okay, it’s a date.’
‘Great. Thanks.’
‘No, thank you. As scared as I am, I would like to get over my Carmel phobia.’
‘You do know there’s always counselling and hypnosis, too?’ Lauren said.
‘I know, but I kind of feel I’d like to try to deal with it myself.’
‘It’s up to you. You have to do what’s right for you. It’s your journey, your life. So, should you check your message to see who called before we head off? I’m keen to know – call it the nosy writer in me.’
‘Oh, yes, good idea. Maybe I’ve won lotto.’
‘Do you buy tickets?’
‘No.’
‘Well, that’s unlikely then, isn’t it? But I do like your optimism,’ Lauren said, with a laugh.
Alice was smiling as she dialled the number to access her voicemail. And then she felt her face fall and her blood drain as she listened. Her heart began heaving again and her chest started to tighten. She began to sweat and suddenly the phone slipped from her clammy hand.
‘What? What’s wrong?’ Lauren asked.
Alice barely heard her friend’s question as she tried to tell herself to breathe, but her breaths became ragged gulps, getting faster and faster.
Then suddenly, as if a switch had been flicked, she was aware of where she was and what she was doing. Lauren had put a hand on her shoulder and shaken her gently and then Bill leapt up onto her lap and began scratching at her clothes. She blinked several times and finally managed a few deep breaths.
A Life of Her Own Page 22