‘I’m pretty sure I’m just going to walk away,’ Alice said.
‘Honestly, Alice, that’s not a decision you can really make right now. There’s a two-year time limit to sort it out, so you don’t have to decide yet,’ Brett said.
‘Well, then I can see later.’
‘Yes, but what I’m saying is that later you might not have access to all the paperwork you might need. And don’t think you can rely on honesty when it comes down to it. This is one time when I really think you need to be on the front foot. Just get the information. I’m not saying you have to use it – now or ever. I’ve just seen too many breakups that seemed perfectly amicable until it came to the money.’
‘Okay. Thanks for the advice, Brett.’
‘It’s a good point, Alice. You need to get your fair share. Don’t forget you told me that your divorce settlement paid for your uni fees.’
‘Yeah, and part of the deposit for the house that’s in David’s name,’ Alice mused.
‘Exactly. So, don’t try to be a martyr – that’ll never get you anywhere,’ Lauren said.
‘Definitely get some evidence of your contributions, Alice,’ Brett said. ‘And don’t forget, if it’s not a joint account, the second you tell him you’re leaving David might change the passwords and you’ll lose all access. He could be fine, but he might also be pretty pissed off. I’ve met him a couple of times at the Christmas dinners, remember? He was okay, but I have to be honest, he did also seem very materialistic. He was completely obsessed with his BMW and kept bragging about the five-star hotels he’d stayed in. Those types of people tend to only really fight over one thing – money. I hope your situation is different, but you need to be prepared. Sorry to harp on, but I care about you.’
‘And I really do appreciate it, Brett, it’s just that it’s a lot to think about. I need to go before my head bursts,’ Alice said wearily.
‘Hang in there, I’ll be in touch,’ Lauren said, hugging her. ‘Call if you need anything.’
‘Yes, and call me anytime too, especially if you need any heavy lifting done,’ Brett said.
‘There shouldn’t be, but thanks,’ Alice said.
As she made her way to the train station she started making a mental list of documents to print out or scan. On the train she put that list into her phone as a memo. While it was a task she didn’t really want to do, she had to admit she felt good about having a focus and taking control of things – of her life. Her ex-husband Rick had deliberately held off being paid for assets he’d sold not long before ending their marriage so there was less money to divide between them. At the time Alice had just wanted to be free of him. She had the same feeling now, too, but she could see that was a little gutless. Lauren and Brett were right. At the moment it was hard to see past the blinding stupor of hurt, disappointment and heartbreak, but once the emotional fog cleared, who knew how she’d feel. Alice understood that she had to stand up and defend herself financially, at least get back what she’d put in.
Once home, she started making her way methodically through their filing system, which she’d set up. They had a drawer each. She felt deceitful going through David’s, but it wasn’t locked. She was shocked to find statements showing she’d paid two semesters of David’s MBA course fees. God, she’d completely forgotten about that. And they wouldn’t have this house if she hadn’t added ten thousand dollars to the deposit to get them to the twenty percent threshold and avoid costly mortgage insurance. It wasn’t a whole lot of money in David’s world, but still …
Chapter Thirty-two
In between taking Bill for two long walks, Alice spent Saturday going through the paperwork and putting together a file of printed information to take with her. She really hoped she’d never need any of it, but Brett was right – it was a good idea to have it. She could see that now. While she liked to think David would be fair, the thought of the quote ‘Money doesn’t change anyone, it reveals them’ kept her going. The reality was that while once she would have been sure David would be reasonable when it came to dealing with the financial aspects of a split, he was actually an unknown quantity when she thought about it now.
Sunday dawned and Alice felt completely wrecked. Constantly running through what she’d say to David and pre-empting responses to any questions or comments he might have had kept her awake all night. She hated conflict of any kind and she could just imagine his calm interrogation, which would be decidedly more unnerving than when Rick had yelled and screamed at her during their time together. But she told herself, as she lay in bed with Bill peering at her, waiting for the signal they might be off for a walk, it didn’t matter. She was done. Perhaps the saddest thing was that it was so obvious why people stayed in a relationship and over time became like robots, without feelings or reactions, and just went through the motions. It was easier and less fraught than going it alone. And perhaps it was easier than telling one’s narcissistic mother and enduring the criticism. Just the thought of that made Alice quiver all over like a scolded teenager.
Here we go again … At least they can’t pierce you with their withering gazes this time around. You’ll be about eleven hundred kilometres away.
Alice could almost imagine her mother trying to talk her into going back before anyone found out – just like she had when her marriage to Rick had imploded. She’d been so hurt by how little her mother had appeared to care about her feelings. Now she knew her mother better she realised that she most likely saw Alice as an extension of herself and really didn’t care what her daughter was going through. Dawn was only concerned with the perceived humiliation she faced as Alice’s mother; that she had raised a daughter who was incapable of abiding by the vows of ‘until death do us part’.
Alice hoped this knowledge about her mother’s personality might spare her some pain, and that she wouldn’t take Dawn’s cold comments to heart. But deep down she wasn’t entirely optimistic. She’d spent far too many years seeking her mother’s love and approval, only to be rejected, to truly believe it could be different now. Also, she knew that narcissists didn’t change. They might be capable of temporarily appearing to be a different colour to blend in with their surroundings – like a chameleon or a Thorny Devil – but it wasn’t permanent. Their true colours always returned.
Suddenly Alice realised that this time around she wouldn’t have Ruth to smooth the waters of emotion, to encourage her, and to reassure her. Tears started streaming down her face. And then Bill was beside her, trying to snuggle between her and the pillow she was holding close like a teddy bear for comfort. Yes, I’ll have you, Bill. But how can I do this without Ruth?
Would it be easier to stay with David? Yes, of course it would be. But that’s not fair on you. You have a life to live, joy to be had. This is not the life you want, deserve. The words came from within her, but the sound was very much Ruth’s gentle voice.
‘I miss you,’ Alice whispered.
‘I’m right here,’ she thought she heard back. But she couldn’t have. Her mind was playing tricks. She was emotionally wrung-out.
I know my dad’s with me, so why not Ruth?
So many times at university Alice had thought she couldn’t do this essay or that exam until she reminded herself she was partly doing the degree for her father, who hadn’t had the opportunity. And somehow she’d always find her way through. This was a little different, but she knew Ruth had a very special place deep in her heart. She’d just have to try to channel Ruth’s wisdom as she had done with her father’s strength and determination.
Alice knew a lot of people thought those who took their own lives were weak. But she could see her father’s situation so clearly now and couldn’t blame him for choosing such a drastic option. She didn’t like it and it had changed the whole direction of her life, but she understood and was empathetic, especially knowing what she knew now.
Enough! she told herself. She was getting too morose. She threw back the covers and got up, causing Bill to get excited and spin around on
the spot. That made her smile – the complete and utter joy about something that to her was so mundane. Oh to be like that!
Alice didn’t feel it was right to finish packing before she told David she was leaving so, after taking Bill for a walk, she cleaned the already spotless house from top to bottom. She then headed out and did a larger than usual grocery shop, buying extra to take to Ballarat to get her started, before setting about filling the remainder of the day with cooking meals she could store in the freezer. If David was sad when she left – and a part of her really hoped he would be – or busy with work, he might appreciate having a stash of home-cooked meals that just needed defrosting and reheating. Alice felt bad for going back on her word about not leaving until his project was finished, and this was the only way she could make it up to him a little now.
By mid-afternoon batches of pumpkin soup, rissoles and lasagne had been divvied up and were cooling on the bench ready to go into the freezer. Lamb shanks would then go into the slow cooker for their dinner, to be accompanied by creamy mash and fresh, crisp asparagus. She’d got a bit carried away at the butcher’s. The last supper, she thought at one point, cringing. Perhaps it was a bit heavy when she doubted she’d be able to eat anything, either before or after telling him. Too late now.
After the slow cooker had been filled and set going, all the dishes done and the kitchen tidied, Alice sat down to watch TV. She was worn out, but was also itching to keep moving. She looked at Bill sprawled out beside her.
‘Do you fancy another walk, Bill?’ she asked. The dog looked up briefly and flapped his tail once before settling back down again. If she wasn’t so strung-out she would have laughed. The word ‘walk’ usually acted like a switch, instantly sending him into a ball of wiggling energy that she had to struggle to contain.
Alice flicked through the channels and then looked at the selections saved on the hard drive. Nothing took her fancy. She tapped her feet and picked at her nails. Bill looked up at her before giving a groan and settling back down, as if to say, ‘Would you just sit still!’
By four o’clock she could no longer ignore the pile of striped PVC zip bags favoured by students and backpackers the world over that were in a pile just within sight. It was too bad if David was affronted even more by her having already packed. She needed to do something.
When she’d finished and looked at the large suitcase, carry-on bag and two huge striped bags lined up inside the spare room, she felt gloomy and sad. All she had left in the built-in wardrobe was a change of clothes for tomorrow. She had a spare bag ready for Bill’s things. Then she just had to add her toothbrush and everyday toiletries to her sponge bag, put that in the top of her carry-on and she’d be set.
Fear gripped her, adding to the sadness. All she owned was right there in front of her. She swallowed back the lump pushing at her throat, determined not to give in to self-pity. She had to hold it together. David would be home soon.
Alice forced herself instead to be grateful for not being a follower of fashion or a shopaholic with piles of clothes. She also had to acknowledge her gratitude to David for insisting on a clutter-free house and their habit of going through their clothes every twelve months to discard any they didn’t wear. Of course having just moved house had helped to declutter and throw out any unnecessary possessions too. It was both surprising and a little sad for Alice to see how light she would be travelling. It should take her and Lauren only a few trips to the car to pack it all in on Monday morning.
Alice heard a car pull up out the front. Her chest clenched and her heart skipped a beat and then began to race. Well, this is it, wish me luck, she thought as she went to meet David.
Chapter Thirty-three
Right, game face on, Alice told herself as she heard David’s key in the door.
‘Hi, how was it?’ she asked as he put his bags down.
‘Good. Okay. Same old.’ He gave her the lightest and briefest of hugs, barely a hug actually, she noted – hands on the shoulders to bring her to within a few inches, peck on the cheek and then release. It was done out of habit – he said he felt icky after travelling and didn’t want to subject her to any body odour. But Alice always longed for a decent hug, to breathe in his worn aroma. She loved the scent of him several hours old, as well as the fresh scent when he was just out of the shower having washed with milk and honey body wash. She watched him take off his heavy woollen coat and carefully place it on a hanger and then onto a hook on the brushed aluminium rack that looked to Alice like a deciduous tree in the middle of winter.
‘How was your weekend?’ he asked as he unwound his scarf and carefully tucked it over the bar of the same hanger as his coat and straightened it out neatly.
‘Not much to report. I cleaned, did a heap of cooking, managed to wear Bill out with several long walks,’ she said, hoping her voice didn’t sound as shaky as she feared it might.
‘Sounds good.’
Their interactions were sparse lately. It was as if David didn’t want to hear how many jobs she hadn’t been called up for. And Alice knew he was deliberately keeping the conversation away from anything personal because he didn’t want tears. And she was still prone to bursting into floods of them when Ruth’s name came up, or when Alice thought about all that had gone on this year and how unloving David was being. He wasn’t cruel – well, she hoped he wasn’t being deliberately uncaring – but he didn’t seem able to cope with tears and didn’t seem capable of doing anything beyond saying, ‘Don’t cry’ and ‘Please stop crying,’ and looking perplexed. When they’d met he had been able to react appropriately and utter the right words. Otherwise they wouldn’t be here now.
Alice closed her mouth and held her breath so she couldn’t fill the empty air with the words sitting just behind her tongue: ‘David, I’m leaving you. I can’t do this anymore.’ Oh how she wanted to get it over with. But there wasn’t an easy way, was there?
‘Ooh, something smells good,’ he said, sniffing at the cooking smells drifting down the hall from the kitchen.
‘Braised lamb shanks, mash and asparagus,’ Alice said. ‘You’re right on time.’
‘Ah, you’re too good to me,’ he said, following her through to the kitchen. ‘Wine?’ he asked, sitting down at the table.
‘Yes, thanks,’ she said from the kitchen bench where she was poking unnecessarily at the meat in the slow cooker so she didn’t have to look at him.
‘The hotel was lovely. We must go there sometime.’
‘Yes, you mentioned that on the phone the other night,’ she said as she dished up their meals.
She placed their plates on the table and sat down, hoping her cheeks weren’t flaming quite as obviously as they felt.
‘Ahh, nothing beats a home-cooked meal after travelling,’ he said, picking up his cutlery. ‘Thank you.’
‘Good. You’re welcome,’ she said, attempting to smile warmly but instead thought her expression was probably more of a grimace. Her face was tight and her whole body was taut with the anticipation, the anxiety. She was beginning to get a headache – could practically feel the tension in every muscle, tendon and sinew from her shoulders, up each side of her neck to behind her ears, where a pulse twinged. She looked at her plate of food – suddenly the portion she’d served herself seemed enormous. How the hell was she to get through this? What had she been thinking? She sighed and then picked up her knife and fork.
‘You sound tired. And you’re quiet,’ David said. ‘Is everything okay?’
No. David, we need to talk. I’m leaving you. ‘Just tired.’ Alice cursed being too gutless and letting the perfect opportunity slip by.
‘So, Tom and William say hi.’
‘Oh, that’s nice. How are they?’
‘Hungover last time I saw them,’ he said with a laugh. ‘We had a bit of a big night Friday,’ he added, tucking into his meal with gusto.
Alice was halfway through her meal when she realised if she held this in anymore she might just vomit. She was so tense she was h
aving trouble swallowing and what she had managed to eat felt lodged just below her throat. She put down her knife and fork slowly and then took a deep breath, taking extra care to do it silently.
‘David. I’ve decided to leave,’ she said.
‘Leave?’ Confusion was etched across his face. ‘Leave me?’
‘Yes. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. It’s not working.’
‘But you promised you wouldn’t make a decision before the project has finished.’ His confusion fell away and what was left was the face of a stricken, crestfallen little boy. Alice felt like reaching out to him. Until she reminded herself that he wasn’t saying, ‘No, don’t leave me, I love you, I need you,’ and was still going on about his damn project.
‘I can’t have this sort of upheaval at the moment. It’s at a critical stage and needs all my attention and me at my best,’ he said, confirming her worst thoughts.
Anger welled up, clambering over the uncomfortable mound of food in her stomach. She told herself to remain calm, and even took the time to count quickly to five before speaking. ‘You and I both know there’ll always be a project, David. You’ll finish this one and start a new one, probably get a promotion, so I will mean even less to you than I do now.’
‘Oh, come on, Alice. I’m doing this for us.’
‘No, you’re not. I can see that now. I just wish I’d seen it sooner.’
‘Look around, Alice, I work hard so you can live in a nice house in a nice suburb.’
‘It’s not the house of my choice,’ Alice said quietly.
‘Oh come on, now you’re being petty. Just because you can’t get your act together and find a job you like – find any job for that matter – there’s no need to try to bring me down.’
A Life of Her Own Page 29