“I care,” he fires back, and God, this man, I didn’t think I could love him any more than I do, but he proves me wrong every single time.
“He told me that he was getting me ready for him to fuck me. That he was going to show me how a real man fucks.” I stare down at my plate, wanting the ground to swallow me up. I’m monotone as I tell him this, I’m not sure how I’m managing to keep the fear and hurt out of my voice.
“Bastard, he’s lucky he’s dead.”
“I was helping Mom and Seb clean out the garage, and I stumbled across a gun. I have no idea whose gun it was or where it came from. I took it and hid it in my room, I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take him touching me anymore. I didn’t want him to do that to me.” I crack on the word me. Tears fall down my face and into my dinner. I wasn’t eating it anyway. The bite that I had is repeating on me, and I fight the urge to throw up.
Whose bright idea was it to talk about this shit while we eat? Oh yeah, that would be mine.
“I had no idea what I was going to do, I thought if I had a gun I could scare him away.” I let out a bitter laugh at my naivety. “That never happened. Instead I fell asleep, I was stupid, I let my guard down.”
“Baby…” There’s that word again. My heart warms when he calls me baby; it’s the best feeling in the world, especially while I’m retelling one of the worst moments of my life.
“I did, I let my guard down hoping the gun was going to save me.” I put the plate down on the coffee table and pull my knees up against my chest. “I woke up to a heaviness over me. My breath escaped me in a whoosh as I opened my eyes and saw him on top of me. He was naked. I felt his hard cock against my panties.”
I lean my head against my knees and wrap my arms around my leg. “I was frozen to the spot. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t scream. I was frozen. He ripped my panties off me, and it was when he grabbed my legs and opened them that I tried to get him off me, I begged him to stop, not to do it. He didn’t listen. He didn’t listen,” I whisper the last bit. My body is racking with sobs, I thought telling him would be easy, I thought letting it out of me would be easy but this is far from it. Everything I felt that night is hitting me full force and that fear is back with a vengeance.
“When he entered me all I felt was pain, sharp pain that made me scream, but he had anticipated that and covered my mouth with his hand.” I hate the smell of beer; it’s what his hand and breath smelled of, and any time I smell it now it makes me feel nauseous.
The sofa dips as Trent sits down beside me, he reaches down and lifts me up. He then proceeds to sit where I was sitting and pulls me down on his lap.
“Baby, I wish I could take away your pain and fear. What that monster did to you is despicable, and he deserved to die. You’re amazing.” He pulls my body flush against his, not in a sexual way but in a protective way. “You’re almost finished baby, tell me what happened afterwards.”
“He laughed, when he finished, he laughed at me. He told me I was useless, that I was like a wet fish, I just laid there.”
“Asshole,” Trent bites out as he kisses my head.
“He went back into the sitting room, and I heard the TV turn on. I lay in bed for ages, I was in so much pain, but at the same time I was numb. All that kept running through my head was how stupid I was for letting him do that to me.” To this day, I think how stupid I was, and what I would do differently if it were to ever happen again.
“No, this isn’t on you, baby. This is on that monster. It wasn’t your fault, you’re not to blame. Your parents are for not protecting you, and that fucking piece of shit is for raping you.”
I flinch at the word rape, I hate that word, it makes me feel like a victim, and that’s one thing I don’t want to be. “I don’t know how much time had passed, but I remember getting out of bed and going into my wardrobe and getting the gun. I held it in my hands for ages. I had no idea what I was going to do. All I knew was he had to go. I needed him to go.” I want him to understand that I never meant to kill Eddie. I just wanted him away from me.
“Baby, you don’t need to explain yourself to me.”
I lean into him, lifting my head and kissing his jaw. “Yes I do, you’re the only person I need to explain myself to. That I want to explain what happened too.”
“Okay, baby,” He strokes my hair, and I relax into him completely. “Take your time, tell me what happened next.”
“I got changed, put clean clothes on, and the gun was just staring at me. It was mocking me. Before I knew what was happening, the gun was in my hand and I was marching into the sitting room.” My palms are starting to get sweaty, out of everything that happened that night, the next part is what haunts me the most.
“As soon as Eddie saw me he started laughing. He asked me if I was back for round two.” My finger goes to my scar, and I start rubbing it as sweat started to trickle down my nape, “I remember pointing the gun at him, and he laughed harder at me.”
I jump when he rubs my shoulders. “Ssh, it’s just me baby,” Trent tells me softly.
I squeeze my eyes closed, I don’t know why I got scared when he touched me. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. Apologizing doesn’t seem to be enough; I shouldn’t be scared of Trent’s touch.
“It’s okay, take a deep breath and continue.” He tells me, love shining brightly in his eyes.
“I told him that if he didn’t leave I’d shoot. He just sat there laughing, I hated him, all my anger that had built up from being alone came out. The hurt of what he had done to me. The shame I felt for what he had done, all came out at once, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I couldn’t control myself, it was like I was a different person. I screamed at him, I yelled that he’d better get out before my dad woke up, and I told him what happened. Do you know what he did?”
“No baby, what did he do?” He takes my hand and holds it. It’s his way of stopping me from rubbing my scar as well as supporting me.
“He stood up, laughing. He told me that I wouldn’t tell my dad because I’m a coward, because I loved what he did to me, I lead him on. He wouldn’t have come near me unless I wanted him to. I lost it Trent, to this day I have no idea why, but I fired the gun. How was I supposed to know it was loaded, I wouldn’t even know how to load the damn thing?” That anger I felt all those years ago is back, and I hate that he’s still getting to me. That he has that power over me, and I have no idea how to take it back.
“Oh, baby,” Trent whispers, he leans against my head, and we sit in silence. I want to finish telling him what happened but he needs a minute. One of the things I love about Trent is that he cares, he cares deeply for those he loves, and when someone he loves is hurting, he wants to do everything in his power to make it right. Trent’s way of dealing with things is in silence, and I have to accept that. At least he’s not brooding about it.
He squeezes my hand, signaling that he wants me to continue. “Have you ever fired a gun?” I ask, genuinely curious.
“No I haven’t. It’s on my bucket list though.” We’ll get back to his bucket list another time.
“It’s not like how they portray it in the movies. It hurts like hell, there’s a big kickback, and it threw me backwards. I landed on my ass with a thud, I had a huge bruise on my ass for weeks afterwards. The whole house woke up when the gun went off. Dad was the first one to wake up and see what was going on. Dad’s face when he saw Eddie lying on the ground bleeding. He took one look at me on the floor, and he instantly knew that something had happened.” He didn’t hate me, and I know that I shouldn’t hate him but I do. I hate him and I love him.
“What did your dad say?”
“Both Mom and Seb came running into the sitting room, and Dad ordered them away, said they weren’t allowed in. They had to go to Mom’s room and stay there until he came and got them. As soon as they left he went into my bedroom, I didn’t have to tell him what happened. He knew,” I sob, and Trent holds me tighter. I killed someone, and I n
ever wanted to, I just wanted him to leave me alone.
“Baby, you didn’t mean to do it. Please don’t cry.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t help it. I killed someone Trent and it haunts me every day. I wish I could take it back and undo what happened.” I swipe away the tears that won’t stop falling.
“It’s okay baby, what’s happened can’t be changed. You did what you needed to do in order to protect you and God knows how ever many more girls.”
I sit up in his lap and face him. His hand goes directly to my face, his thumbs wiping away the tears. “What do you mean more girls?”
“Michelle, men like that, they can’t control themselves. If he did it to you, I bet he’s done it to other girls too and probably would have done it to even more had you not stopped him.” I never thought of that before. “You can’t have his death on your conscience. It was an accident.”
“Trent, I ended someone’s life. I can’t undo that, no matter how much I want to. I constantly wonder if he has family, and if he does, do they miss him?”
“God baby, you’re putting yourself through hell for someone who doesn’t deserve it. Have you told your therapist this?” His head is tilted to the side, his face soft as he waits for me to talk, although there’s no need he already has the answer, he wouldn’t be asking otherwise.
“No,” I say a bit too loud. "Trent, I can't have people finding out what happened. I don't want anyone to know that I killed someone, that I was raped."
“You should think about it. Maybe talking to someone about it will help you. If you tell them that you shot the fucker, they can’t call the cops on you, can they? Patient confidentiality and all that shit.” He has such a way with words.
“I’m not sure Trent. I promised my dad that I would never tell anyone what really happened. I’ve broken that promise once…today. I can’t do it again.”
“How did your dad end up taking the blame? Surely, you wouldn’t have served time if you had told the cops what had happened? They would have understood.” He sounds so sure of himself, but he can’t be certain of that.
“Dad didn’t want me to have to go through testifying and being questioned. He wanted me to move on and live my life. That night he sobered up real quick, and I think he’s been sober ever since. The cops were called, and Dad told them it was he who shot Eddie, and that Eddie died before the cops and EMTs managed to get to the house. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe he was telling them that. Mom was sitting beside me, and she believed him, she believed that he had killed Eddie, and she was crying.” I’m grateful to Dad, but I also wish he had let me tell the truth. Eddie died with everyone believing that a friend killed him accidently. Not as the man who molested and attacked a sixteen-year-old girl. No one found out that he was a monster.
“Your mom must have been in shock.” Trent tries to make her sound admirable. She’s anything but.
“No, she was crying because her boyfriend was dead.”
Trent mutters a curse; yeah, I had the same reaction when Grandma told me why Mom was so angry with me.
“Damn. That’s fucked up.”
“Yeah, Dad told her the truth in the end, that I killed him, and he told her that she had better look after me. Make sure nothing happens to me. He told Grandma the exact same thing, and only one of them listened to him.” I can’t keep the bitterness out of my tone.
“What did she do?” Trent’s voice is hard.
“She told me she hated me, that I had ruined her life. When Dad was sentenced she went crazy outside the courthouse. She shouted at me, telling me that it was all my fault, if I hadn’t been such a slut none of this would have happened.” Seb watched on as she yelled at me. She wouldn’t stop, not until Grandma came and took me away.
“What a bitch. What the hell is wrong with her?”
I smirk. “I’ve been asking myself the same question. She was mad because with Dad inside it meant that she wouldn’t have the lifestyle she was accustomed to while he was here. Dad didn’t work, Grandma supported us all, and she stopped when Dad went away. She only gave money for the things Seb needed. She told Mom that it was time for her to grow up, that if she wanted what she had she needed to work for it.” That didn’t go down well at all. Mom hates the thought of working, she believes it’s beneath her.
“Fuck baby, how the hell did you survive that bitch?” He’s shocked, he really shouldn’t be, he has met her after all.
“It’s Seb that I feel sorry for. He’s been under her roof and listening to her shit for years now. He didn’t have Grandma, Mom wouldn’t let us see him.” I miss him, I wish I could see him and talk to him without Mom being around, but she will never let that happen. She’d be too scared of what may come out.
“I wish I could have met your grandma.”
I smile at him. “She would have loved you.”
Last night was fucked up, having to listen to the woman I love tell me what that fucking asshole did to her made my blood boil. I knew that Michelle thought I’d leave her when she told me. I could see it in her eyes. I try not to take offence because she doesn’t get that she’s my world, and I would go to war for her. I’d kill anyone who tried to harm her, and I’d sleep easy doing it. This coming from a guy who said he’d never step foot into prison ever again. For Michelle, I’d happily do the fucking time if it means she’s safe.
I didn’t sleep, instead I became a creeper. I watched Michelle sleep. I was there when her nightmares started, and I held her through them, if that asshole wasn’t already dead, it would give me the greatest pleasure to be the one to end him. However, he is so my anger lands solely on Michelle’s fucked up mother. That woman should be held accountable for what happened to Michelle, she knew that monster was violating her daughter, and instead of killing the bastard, she sleeps with him.
Thank fucking Christ for Michelle’s Grandma May, it seems that woman was the only one who was looking after Michelle. Yes, it was a little too late as the damage had already happened, but May helped her deal with the aftermath, and for that, I’m eternally grateful. Dustin, I owe him a lot, but finding out that he was a drunk made me question my judgement. When I found out that he protected Michelle from the barrage of questions she was about to face I knew that there’s a part of him that’s who I believed he was. It’s a shame he didn’t protect her from the beginning. Dustin kept a lot of secrets from me, and I wondered why he never spoke about his family, and now I know why. Guilt; it’s the guilt that eats away at him, it keeps him from talking about them. It’s the type of guilt you need to keep buried; otherwise, it’ll take over and consume you.
Glancing over at my phone, I note that it’s seven in the morning. I get up out of bed and leave Michelle asleep. She had a restless night, but she’ll be up soon. She’s an early riser, much like myself. It’s the nightmares that wake us and the fear of reliving them that make us dread sleeping.
It’s why I didn’t sleep last night. Michelle needed me, and I couldn’t be in the midst of having a nightmare when she was. I couldn’t leave her to face it alone. I grab my phone and a pair of shorts and make my way into the kitchen. I’ll get breakfast started. She didn’t eat her dinner last night, and before that, she threw up everything she had eaten previously. My body’s drained, the lack of sleep in the past few weeks is finally taking its toll, and the no sleep last night has made it all catch up with me. I need to sleep tonight, today I’ll refill on coffee.
I wonder if there’s been any progress on finding Riccardo. I’m anxious and on edge, and that’s not a good thing. I’m close to blowing a fuse, and when I do, it’s not going to be pretty. I feel sorry for the person who may end up on the receiving end of my wrath. Talking outside my apartment draws my attention, and I leave the kitchen and open my door. Standing on the other side, having a fucking conversation like it’s a normal thing to do at seven in the morning, are Peter and Heller.
“Can I help you guys?” I ask impatiently. I don’t want to wait around for them to finish the conversa
tion they were having.
Heller passes me the bag he’s holding; hell I didn’t even notice he had one. I really need to be aware of my surroundings. “This is what you asked for. If she leaves the vicinity of this apartment complex while wearing it, an alarm will go off. In the bag is an alarm for you. Make sure you have it on you at all times. Ethington and I have one too, just in case.”
“If Montoya thinks he can take her, he’s got another thing coming. Not on my watch.” The cop in Peter is coming out stronger than it was last night. He’s pissed just as Heller and I are. Riccardo’s an asshole who is savvy enough to keep off the radar, it makes it harder to find him.
“The locks have been changed. During the week, we’ll be changing each apartment lock too. Just as a precaution. Security is set up, and the live feed is being fed into the security company who will have someone monitoring it twenty-four seven,” Heller explains.
An instant wave of relief washes over me. The guys are on the ball, they have avenues setup to keep Michelle safe.
“Mom is going crazy, she wants to come down here and see Michelle. I’ve put her off for now, and I’m going to have to pay for that later. My wife won’t appreciate my mother being in the apartment this early and taking over breakfast.” Peter’s face is pained, he’s a brave man. Ethel’s hell on wheels at the best of times, she’s riled up and worried right now. That doesn’t bode well for his wife and, in turn, him.
“I appreciate that. Michelle’s still asleep, and I’m hoping she can stay that way for a while longer.” Both men nod. “How’s the hunt for that asshole? Any sign of him?”
Heller’s face doesn’t give anything away, whereas Peter really needs to learn how to school his features, the disappointed expression tells me that they’ve made no fucking progress. “Not yet, but my boys are on it, and my boys are the fucking best. We’re going to find him.”
Finding Home Page 16