‘Do you want to speak about your mum?’
He closed his eyes, decades-old grief catching him by surprise at her softly spoken question. But he wasn’t the only one to lose a parent...people were going through it right now and just maybe he could help them understand that there was no right or wrong way to grieve. ‘After she died I was incredibly confused and of course extremely sad. At first I was too shocked to talk, and when I was ready to speak those around me were in different places in their own grieving. I think any parents or carers listening should allow their child to grieve at their own pace and in their own way. At the start I needed time alone to process what was happening...but that was not the case for others in my family who needed to be surrounded by people. There’s no one way to grieve and I think there needs to be more awareness and understanding of that fact. Always respect where the person is, but also make them aware that you are there when they are ready to talk.’
‘Did you talk to anyone when your mum died?’
He gave a regretful shrug. ‘For a long time I wasn’t ready...and the people closest to me were struggling too.’ He stopped, remembering his father’s acceptance yesterday when he said he was going to speak about all of this. He could choose to be angry over his father’s impatient fury back then, his insistence on following royal protocol and doing what was right publicly as opposed to what was right for his own sons, but to do so would benefit no one. He had to make this new-found openness work for everyone’s benefit.
‘For a long time I believed that shutting down and denying my feelings was the easiest way to cope. But it comes at a price and for me it was a gulf that developed between me and my family. Because I shut down I couldn’t engage with them and it was easier to isolate myself from others because then I didn’t have to deal with the regrets and guilt that come from distancing yourself.’
‘Why guilt?’
Dio! Did she have all day? What son wanted to be a disappointment to his father? What brother wanted to witness his siblings’ concern? To know that they pitied him? And then there was all of the guilt of having abandoned his mother, knowing that there was no one at her side when she died. And worst of all the guilt of knowing that if he hadn’t begged his mother to go trekking with him that day, if he hadn’t raced ahead, then just maybe she could still have been alive. But he wasn’t going to load all that on Toni or her listeners. What would be the point? What good could come from laying out all of his failings for others to pick over?
I needed to withdraw within myself to cope with everything that happened but for various reasons it went on too long—my own inclination to be private, the fact that we were sent away to boarding school at a young age. I used to think that the resilience I learnt in how to deal with life on my own was entirely positive, but increasingly I am appreciating the benefit of connecting with others, of being there for them too. It’s something I want to rectify with my family. I don’t want past tensions to affect the next generation.’
Toni smiled and his heart tightened at the warm empathy shining in her eyes. She lowered her gaze for a moment, before asking softly, ‘What are your hopes for the future?’
Up until a few days ago he could have answered that question easily. To grow Pacolore Investments to ensure that he could employ even more a diverse range of people to careers that truly challenged them, and to support local communities within Monrosa in the rejuvenation of forgotten towns and villages. But after this weekend with Toni, realising just how good it was to have company in the finca, the question of personal hopes was suddenly on the agenda, but articulating them when he wasn’t certain what it was he actually wanted was not something he wanted to think about right now, never mind talk about. ‘I have a very fulfilling life at the moment. There isn’t much I want to change other than spending more time with my family.’
Toni nodded. But there was a reticence in the way she smiled at him before asking, ‘Will you talk to us again in the future? I’m sure the listeners would like to hear how you are doing.’
Why was he grinning at the prospect of another interview with Toni? After all, he hated interviews. But the idea lightened something in him...bringing a feeling of hope, the sense of a future he hadn’t imagined for himself. Inhaling, he knew he needed to hold tight to himself all those crazy thoughts and messy emotions Toni was eliciting in him. He folded his arms. ‘Does that mean another four-day interview?’
‘We can do it whatever way you want—by phone if you’d prefer it that way.’ She shrugged as though to say it was of no consequence to her what way they did it. Was that how she really felt? Didn’t she want to see him again? Was catching up with him truly just for the podcast?
Shifting closer to the microphone, she spoke directly into it. ‘My time with Prince Ivo is drawing to a close here on Monrosa. Thank you for your hospitality...’ Her gaze settling on him, she frowned, her smile wavering before she reached and pressed some buttons on the recording equipment. Standing, she quickly started to pack things away. ‘I usually do a summary of my time spent with my podcast guest to round off the interview,’ glancing outside, she added, ‘but, as it’s such a nice day, it’d be a shame not to make the most of it. I can record my summary in London next week.’
He could tell that she didn’t want to do the summary for reasons other than making the most of the day. He rolled his neck, suddenly tense. What would she say about him? Would she speak negatively about his way of life? Pass judgement on him personally? ‘How are you going to summarise your stay here?’
Closing the zip of her laptop bag, she inhaled a long breath. ‘I don’t know... I need some time to process the whole weekend.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘I think the lack of sleep is messing with my ability to think straight.’ Lowering her eyelids, she shrugged before adding, ‘Everything feels very confused right now.’
The low sadness in her voice felt like a stab to his heart. He got her confusion. His own ability to think straight was long gone. And panic, that he might significantly mess up when it came to Toni, had taken its place. Should he let her go, accept this weekend for what it was, or take the risk of inviting someone into his life? He couldn’t believe he was even contemplating doing so.
Toni went and stood by the door out to the terrace, her back to him. Arching her spine, she raised her arms up high, her fingertips touching the top of the doorframe, stretching out. She moved with a slow and graceful fluidity. For a long while she stood there, not moving, content to stare out towards the sea. Had San Jorbo’s special magic seeped into her bones too? He smiled at how at peace she seemed...could she be happy here? Or would she soon long for the noise and chaos of city life?
Turning, she took a hair tie from her shorts, pulling her hair back into a ponytail, and smiled so tenderly and intimately at him that his heart sang with a happiness so deep he knew that he had to find a way to keep her in his life.
* * *
Shading her eyes with her hand, Toni looked in the direction Ivo was pointing towards. ‘San Amaro Chapel. Princess Isabella funded its construction in the sixteenth century, ordering that it should be built on the most westerly point of the island. She wanted it to be the symbol of welcome to all returning seafarers.’
The small whitewashed chapel had a golden dome that glowed brightly under the relentless sun, and from their vantage point in the hills to its rear Toni could see a group of people milling around outside, their cars parked along the narrow, single-vehicle road that ran beside it.
They followed the track down to join the road, clusters of red rhododendrons flame-like in amongst the otherwise endless dusty green of the open countryside, no other building to be seen for miles. In the distance, the Mediterranean glistened, the vast sapphire sea competing with the endless azure sky. She loved this island. Especially this remote coastline. It soothed something in her, gave her an inner peace, a grounding that had previously eluded her. She got why Ivo loved the solitude of San Jorbo—b
eing immersed in nature and silence allowed for reflection and growth and it was something she knew she wanted in her life going forward. But would she ever be able to return to Monrosa again? Would it carry too many bittersweet memories?
Ivo led the way, stopping to help her clamber over a heavy rockfall, asking gently, ‘Are you okay? Do you need some water, a break?’
She nodded no, then gave him a grateful smile, pretending, pretending, pretending that all was well.
When he turned away she slowly exhaled, watching his long, agile strides.
Don’t think. Don’t start hoping and dreaming. Don’t confuse the easy connection of a casual hook-up with anything more than that. You spent too many years willing for things to be different with Dan, clinging to your relationship, to go back now into a situation full of uncertainty and doubt and misguided hope.
As they approached the church, the group outside turned in their direction, their expressions moving from surprise to delight on spotting Ivo. The men were dressed in tuxedos, the women in cocktail dresses, rows of potted lemon trees lining the red carpet. A wedding. One of the younger men approached them, his smile infectious. He had to be the groom.
With much excitement he introduced Ivo to his family and then insisted that they accompany him into the chapel, Ivo translating for her that the groom wanted to show them the flowers he had secretly organised for his bride. Toni gasped at the delicate beauty of the pink and cream tea roses that filled every available space of the tiny chapel, their scent exquisite.
And then the rest of the group bustled in, quickly taking their places. The bride had arrived.
Outside, Ivo spoke to the bride and her family and friends, the bride blushing with pleasure at Ivo’s good wishes. And Toni’s heart cracked open at how deliberately Ivo took his time, speaking not only with the bride but also her parents, who looked ecstatic to have the good fortune to have a member of the beloved royal family give them his good wishes.
Ivo may not enjoy public life in its more intrusive forms, but on a one-to-one level he showed incredible humility and warmth.
And as they stood and watched the bride enter the chapel, a solo guitarist inside heralding her arrival, Toni turned and studied Ivo, and, though she wanted nothing more than to stay one more night with him, she realised it was time that she leave, before she lost her heart and all reason to him.
* * *
From the chapel they followed the road down to the coast and then walked along the track that skirted along the coastline and would eventually lead them back to San Jorbo.
‘Are you okay? You seem distracted.’
He shrugged at Toni’s question, trying not to give way to the panic growing inside of him. ‘I’m thinking about the week ahead—the markets were jittery last week because of a disruption in oil production.’
He caught Toni’s frown. She didn’t believe him. Dio! How could he tell her the truth? How could he tell her that earlier he had actually been considering broaching the idea that they meet up again, possibly even date? What they had was good. But now he knew just how nonsensical that idea was. He and Toni had no future together. She deserved something better than a man who could never fully engage in a relationship. He would never be a man so certain, so safe and assured in a relationship that he would beam with happiness on his wedding day. Relationships, permanency, the need to be honest and frank were beyond him. He lived in his own thoughts, he hated being emotionally vulnerable. He wasn’t capable of loving a woman the way a man should.
At a fork in the path, they came to a stop and studied the beach below them in silence. He had said that they would have a picnic there and he wanted to go and lie down with her, listen to her chatter and laughter, and lose himself in their kisses and touches. But instead he glanced at his watch. ‘This has taken us longer than I thought. I need to get back to the finca. The financial markets abroad are open today.’
He hated the disappointment that clouded her eyes. But then with a firm nod of her head she stepped away. ‘Of course...actually that suits me, as I’ve decided that, now that our interview is finished, I’ll change my flight home to London to today. It makes sense as you’re busy.’
* * *
Toni forced herself to smile through his shocked expression. Pretending, pretending, pretending that going home was exactly what she wanted to do instead of longing for him to ask her to stay. She wanted to stay and watch him shower in the morning, load his toast with honey the way he liked it, hear his serious voice on the phone when he talked business, his sharp intelligence and decisiveness a crazy turn-on. She wanted to spend more evenings playing with Paco and Lore with him, hearing his laughter when one of the dogs easily beat her in the game of catch the four of them played together. She wanted to make love with him time and time again. It was too soon to say goodbye to the ecstasy, the freedom, the rightness they found together. Another few days. That was all she wanted.
‘If that’s what you want.’
Her heart sank. His tone was distant and cool.
She faked another smile. ‘I think it’s for the best.’
She backed away and turned in the direction they had been walking. It felt as though a tidal wave of disappointment was pushing against her back, driving her forward.
What did you expect? It was your suggestion that you leave. Don’t you want to be in control? You said you wanted to wear relationships lightly, not get emotionally involved.
But I thought we had something special... I thought he felt it too. More than just chemistry...love. I’m in love with him.
There. She had thought it. She was in love with him. How unbelievably stupid.
Oh, come on, Toni. Think about it. Are you really in love with him? How about testing that idea? What would you do if he called to you right now and asked you to stay? You would be thrilled, of course...for about five minutes. And then you’d panic. Panic because you wouldn’t know if you could really believe him. Because you couldn’t handle being in a relationship again with all the potential hurt and pain that goes with that. Because you know you’d always be waiting for the day he would walk away. Just like Dan. Just like your dad. You love him...but you’d always be scared of what he could do, scared of the pain he could inflict on you. You’d never feel safe with him. Would you really want that life?
* * *
On the phone to his Global Emerging Markets team, Ivo tried to concentrate but his head was a jumble of thoughts. She was leaving. He should be glad. It was all too intense and out of control. It had to end, and probably the sooner the better, before he indulged any further in fantasies of waking next to her in the mornings, arriving home to her smiles and chatter, the long hours of lovemaking where the connection between them bound his heart with a sense of peace and belonging and joy.
Her eagerness to leave cut him to the quick. Yes, he knew that he couldn’t offer her the love she needed, the openness and absolute conviction that any relationship needed...but her ability to walk away so easily was causing the walls of silence around him to firmly shift back into place.
Twisting in his chair, he saw Toni standing at his office door. Her hair was damp and she had changed into the yellow dress she had worn on her first day in Monrosa. How long had she been standing there? Her eyes held his for the briefest of moments and he swallowed at the confusion in their depths.
But then she gave him a cheerful smile and mouthed if she could speak to him for a few seconds?
Telling his team that he would call them back, he waited for her to speak.
She took a step into the office but then stepped away again, as though she didn’t want to be in the same room as him, despite her persistent smile. ‘You’ll be glad to hear that I’ve managed to change my flight. I’m packed and ready to go.’
He stood. ‘You’re leaving now?’ He had thought she would leave tonight. Not immediately. Just how keen was she to escape?
‘Yeah, my taxi should be here any minute now.’ She smiled again, upbeat and positive, as though all of this was a brilliant idea. ‘You’ll be glad to have me out of your hair, no doubt.’ Nodding towards his laptop, she added, ‘At least now you’ll have some peace to concentrate on work.’
He should be relieved. At least now he wouldn’t have to spend the rest of the day resisting the temptation of asking her to stay, of saying that they would figure something out. But to what end? He stared at her, his brain a jumble of messy thoughts, panic closing down any logical thinking.
‘I had hoped we could talk later...’
She folded her arms. ‘About what?’
He moved towards her, needing somehow to make this all okay. ‘The past few days have been special...thank you. I hope you think so too.’
She shrugged, backing away and then, glancing out of the window behind her, she said with obvious relief, ‘My taxi is here.’
He watched her dart down the corridor, bewildered by the suddenness of all this. He gathered himself enough to follow her, taking hold of the suitcase on the floor. She opened the front door without looking at him and instinctively he reached out, stopping her from opening it in full. Outside he could hear the low rumble of a car engine.
‘Stay. Let’s talk.’
She shook her head. ‘Thanks but I really want to get back to London.’ Meeting his gaze, she winced ever so slightly before she pulled at the door, edging it a little more open, her demeanour and tone still forcibly bright and cheerful. ‘Thanks for a lovely weekend.’ She lifted the bag that contained all of the recording equipment. ‘I’ll edit your interview and send you a copy some time this week or next.’ Then, holding her hand out, she gave him yet another bright smile. ‘Thank you for participating in the interview.’ As she paused, heat crept into her cheeks but a defiant glint entered her eyes. ‘And thanks for everything else...it was fun.’
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