‘Not about us sleeping together!’
‘Well, I obviously didn’t tell them that, but I did tell them that we had grown close but that I had messed up...and I wanted to make amends.’
On a deep sigh, she shook her head. ‘You didn’t mess up, Ivo. It was never going to work between us. We’ve both got way too much baggage. Let’s face facts. We’re not good for one another.’
Did she really mean that? What if she was right? But all of those tender moments when they had made love, the laughter they had shared, the quiet understanding that had marked so many moments of their time together...they all had to count for something, didn’t they?
‘Maybe I’m not right for you, and I guess only you can decide that. It’s something I’ve been worried about too. But I did mess up. I should have asked you to stay in Monrosa. I should have told you what you meant to me but I didn’t because I had convinced myself that I was incapable of truly loving another person.’
Her gaze narrowed. ‘Why did you believe that?’
‘Our time in Monrosa together was incredible, different from anything I had ever experienced before. I loved being with you and I had been planning on suggesting we see each other again. But when we came across the wedding in San Amaro Chapel, the groom was so confident and certain about marrying, it drove home just how inept I was in loving you the way you deserved. Falling in love, truly falling in love, means being open and honest, being capable of showing the other person how much you love them. And we both know just how terrible I am in showing my emotions. To fall in love you should have the capability to love generously, to make the other person feel content and secure. But I was scared that I was too inarticulate, too closed to do any of that. And when you said that you were leaving early I panicked. I messed up, and since you left I’ve been miserable. I miss you. For so long I thought that I was content alone and that I accepted who I was. But in truth I was lying to myself about just how lonely and isolated I was. I was too scared to reach out to others. I’m tired of living that life, of pretending that I’m okay on my own. I want us to be together. I want us to have a future.’
She shook her head, her expression one of sad resignation. ‘On what basis? What did we really have but lots of attraction? Chemistry is no foundation for a relationship.’
‘But doesn’t that chemistry tell you a lot?’
‘No.’
He winced at the defiant certainty of her answer. He fought the instinctive compulsion to withdraw, to close himself off from potential pain and humiliation, and instead said, ‘That chemistry confirms that we’re right for one another. Our bodies know it...it’s just our minds that need to catch up.’
‘And what about our hearts?’
He swallowed, the effort to tell the truth inside of him not getting any easier. ‘I lost my heart to you at Luis’s wedding. As crazy as this may seem, I fell in love with you that day and each hour that I spend with you I fall deeper and deeper in love.’
Her eyebrows shot up. She stared at him for what felt like an eternity. ‘You love me? You fell for me at the wedding...but you spent most of the day dodging out of my way whenever I came close to you.’
‘I didn’t know how to be around you.’ He swallowed again, his throat tight, as though his body was mirroring just how painful he found it to reveal the deepest, most personal sides of himself. ‘When my mother died I learnt that the easiest way to survive was to ignore my feelings. For years I have used my indifference, my detachment as a shield to not being hurt. And when we met, your openness, how easily you cried and expressed yourself, totally threw me. I didn’t know how to react but deep down I admired you for being so open.’
‘You admired the fact that I was a red-eyed, bubbling mess?’
‘That’s not how I remember you—you were outgoing, enthusiastic, you were alive with energy...and you were very, very beautiful.’
Shifting her gaze across the canal towards the young couple entwined in one another, she said in a voice full of sadness and regret, ‘But doesn’t it worry you that none of this is easy? We both have so many well-founded reasons not to be in a relationship, can we really overcome them?’ Looking at him, her brown eyes forlorn, she murmured, ‘I’m terrified that I want to be in a relationship for all of the wrong reasons.’
He heard the fear in her voice. A fear he understood, given her background. He needed to turn this around, help her see the reasons why they should fight for what they had. ‘Forget all of the wrong reasons for a moment and tell me what the right reasons to be in a relationship are?’
* * *
Her head reeling, Toni stared towards the couple across the water. They were sharing one set of earphones, both heads moving in time to music only they could hear. ‘The right reasons? I guess the closeness, the intimacy, knowing that there’s someone in your corner. An ally and friend you can trust implicitly—’ she paused, realisation hitting her ‘—and by that I mean not only that I can trust in them but also that I allow myself to trust them. After my dad and Dan, I’m not sure that I can fully trust someone again and I know that’s not fair.’
Ivo shifted towards her, his eyes holding her captive, his voice a soft whisper. ‘I want you to be able to trust me.’
She hesitated for a moment but all of the reasons why she hadn’t wanted to fall in love again assailed her and she heard herself say, ‘I want to trust you but I’m scared of believing you when you say you love me because one day you might decide to leave me and I couldn’t abide the hurt and pain of losing you.’
Moving along the bench, Ivo positioned himself at an angle so that his knee was touching hers, his silver gaze holding hers for what felt like an eternity. ‘I will never leave you.’ His mouth quirked. ‘Do you honestly think that I’d leave you after all this? It has almost broken me to admit everything I have... I may be inarticulate about my feelings and closed to my emotions—I’ve had to fight internal demons, slay decades-old ways of being, to get to this point—but integrity is everything to me and I will never hurt you again. I want your honesty and openness. I want your laughter, your chatter. I’ll even put up with your clutter and untidiness.’
Inhaling deeply, she studied him. She knew just how huge it was for him to tell her all of this. To tell her that he loved her. It would be so easy to accept everything he was saying and fall into a fantasy world, but, rightly or wrongly, she needed more from him. ‘Sometimes I feel that I don’t truly know you, as though you are holding something back from me. Tell me the deepest parts of you. What’s your greatest regret?’ The need to test him, to see if he would be brutally honest, drove her on to ask, ‘Tell me what you want from our relationship and what you are willing to sacrifice for it? What if I want to continue living in London for instance?’
He held up his hand as though to stop her flow of questions. ‘I’ll answer every question you have...but you need to slow down. Ask me them individually. I want to make sure that I answer every question in detail.’
‘Tell me about the deepest regret?’
‘Letting you go...but there are many others.’ She could see that it was an effort for him to continue as he ran his hand against his neck. Seconds passed and her heart sank. He was avoiding looking at her. Was he already clamming up?
On a heavy exhale his eyes met hers and she flinched at the strain in his expression. ‘I regret insisting that my mother take me trekking on the day she died. She had told us that she had a headache. Even knowing that, when we did go I didn’t stay with her but rushed ahead. And then when I found her on the ground I ran away, to get help but also because I was so scared. I shouldn’t have left her alone to die. And on top of all of that, what I regret most is that she was stolen from my father’s and brothers’ lives and the guilt of that eats me up. I could see their pain after she died and I couldn’t face it, so it was easier to stay in my room and detach myself from them.’
It would be so easy
to give a glib response, to try to convince him that he was wrong to feel any responsibility or guilt. And that it was understandable that he struggled with witnessing his family’s grief. But to do so would be to disregard and diminish what were clearly very painful feelings for him. ‘It’s no wonder that you withdrew. What you went through was horrible. I so dearly wish life had been different for you and I’m sorry that you had to carry that responsibility on your own all these years.’ Her throat felt too tight to continue as she thought of all the years Ivo had kept his guilt to himself, his natural need for privacy becoming extreme in his grief, and her heart tumbled as she realised what it must have taken him to admit all of this to her. ‘Thanks for telling me.’
He nodded and then looked away. Before she would have thought that that act of looking away was him somehow distancing himself from her, but now she recognised that it was a combination of his reserved nature but also his pride and composure. Moving her hand to rest on his, she quietly said, ‘Sometimes I’ve mistaken your quietness for a personal rejection.’
He turned and regarded her. ‘It’s not intentional...please tell me when you feel that way.’
‘Sometimes I don’t even understand why I even think you are pushing me away, given just how kind you were to me when we first met.’ Closing her eyes, she grimaced and then, looking back at him, she gave a long exhale. ‘I should explain why I was so emotional at Alice’s wedding. When we danced, the way you held me, the understanding in your voice when we spoke, broke me. I realised just how desperately I wanted to be looked at with that kindness and care. I wanted to truly matter to someone. I wanted to be the centre of someone’s life.’
He shifted on the seat towards her and her heart swelled at the tenderness in his eyes. ‘You matter to me...and you are already the centre of my life. I love you.’
She blinked back tears, the sincerity in his eyes, the passion in his voice freeing her of all the doubts and misgivings she had been harbouring over entering a relationship again. ‘I used to think that love is unreliable, but it’s only people that are unreliable, not love. And in our time together you have always been consistent and true, you’ve always shown me huge respect and integrity. You believed in me. I didn’t want to trust you, I was so scared of being hurt again, but not once have you done anything to cause me to doubt your loyalty. Instead you’ve helped me to learn to appreciate my strengths, and what better way can I prove to myself that I believe in myself than by trusting my judgement and allowing myself to completely trust you?’ She paused and with a certainty that brought fresh tears to her eyes she said, ‘I love you, Ivo, and want to be with you.’
A look of relief and then joy passed over his features. With a grin he said, ‘I can’t tell you how good that sounds. Say it again.’
She laughed. ‘I love you.’
‘And again.’
‘I love you.’
He gathered her to him, his kiss quick, reflecting his delight. He was still grinning when he pulled away.
Thinking about how far they had come in truly knowing each other, she said, ‘We still have so much to learn and understand about each other...doesn’t that worry you?’
He looked out to a passing boat on the canal as he considered her question. ‘In truth, I’m only learning about myself now because of you.’ Then with a determined expression he added, ‘But we will be okay. This openness and honesty we have with each other will see us through.’
He was right. This candidness and truth would be the bedrock of their relationship. But even knowing that didn’t stop the fluttering of dread that came with her next question. ‘What future do you want for us?’
His expression grew tense. For a moment she panicked, thinking he was perhaps about to tell her something she didn’t want to hear, but then she realised it was because he was nervous. ‘I’d like you to come and live with me in San Jorbo. The land there feels as though it’s part of me. I hope that in time you might grow to love it as much as I do. But if you want to live in the palace or stay in London we can make that work too. We would need to travel to Monrosa for my royal duties.’
‘I’ve grown to love Monrosa, and being close to Kara and Alice would be wonderful. I’ve missed San Jorbo too, but I will need a studio and easy access to the airport for when I travel for my podcast interviews.’
He nodded. ‘We can set up a studio in San Jorbo, and when you need to fly anywhere we can base ourselves at the palace so that you’ll be closer to the airport. And Kara has her offices there too, so you’ll be able to work even closer with her.’
‘A studio in San Jorbo sounds perfect,’ she admitted with a wide smile, ‘but be warned I’ll drag you to parties every now and again.’
The laughter lines at the corners of his eyes crinkled. ‘With you at my side I might even tolerate them, but be warned, I will drag you home from them early...’ Heat formed in his eyes and, leaning into her ear, he whispered, ‘You’re irresistible when you wear lipstick and high heels.’
A thrill torpedoed through her body and another had her physically tremble when his mouth playfully nuzzled against her throat. Her head swimming, she edged closer to him, sighing when his mouth found hers, his gentle kiss electrifying. Pulling back, he held her eyes for long, tender moments before he softly whispered, ‘I hope in time that we’ll want to leave parties early to get home to our children.’
She gave a cry of surprise that was half shock and half absolute joy. For a moment she wanted to tell him that he was jumping ahead, not wanting to dare to dream of such a future with him, but then she stopped herself, needing to voice the truth of her hopes. ‘I can’t think of anything more wonderful.’
Looking across the canal again towards the young couple, who were busy taking selfies, Ivo’s arm around her shoulders anchoring her to him, she asked, ‘Doesn’t it scare you that this could so easily not have happened?’
Placing a hand beneath her chin, turning her gaze towards him, he nodded. ‘Yes...’ his thumb gently moved along her jawline ‘...and that’s why I will never take you or our love for granted.’
* * *
Later that night the silver moon guided them through the olive groves and on through the mountain forest, Paco and Lore leading the way, excited to have another companion on their nightly walk.
Wrapped up in one of his fleece jackets against the chill in the mountain air, her hand in his as they walked side by side, Toni muttered, ‘I didn’t realise that you walked so far every night... I had thought it would be nothing but a quick leg-stretch.’
He knew that he was probably rushing things, but it felt so right and good and amazing to have her back in his life that he couldn’t hold back on sharing the future he wanted them to have. ‘There’s something I want to show you.’
‘Please don’t tell me that it’s a Monrosian Hairy-Back Spider.’
He laughed at her pretend horror, his heart squeezing at the sheer joy of having her here. And when they reached their destination, a clearing on the edge of the mountain, he pointed across the bay to San Amaro Chapel. All the way here he had waited for his nerves to kick in, for all the old worries about sharing his life with anyone to take over again. But they didn’t come. The rightness and the power of their love, the truth and honest connection between them had banished all those fears. ‘I’d like us to marry in San Amaro...if you are happy with a small wedding, of course.’
Open-mouthed, Toni stared at him, then towards the chapel, before staring at him again. ‘Marry...in San Amaro?’
‘I’d like the wedding to be private...and intimate. We can marry in the cathedral if you prefer, but I want to be able to focus just on you on our wedding day, and that’s difficult when you have hundreds of guests.’
‘You want to marry me? Is this a proposal?’
He laughed at her astonishment. But then, sobering, he realised that perhaps this wasn’t the most romantic of ways to propose.
He started to backtrack. ‘I can do it properly...take you somewhere more romantic, Paris or Venice. And, of course, there’s the engagement ring...’
Stepping forward, she placed her hands on his arms, laughter in her eyes. ‘I didn’t mean it that way. I can’t think of a more special place than here, where we will spend our life together. I’m just taken aback that you are proposing now...it’s all so sudden.’
Disappointment kicked him in the stomach. ‘We can talk about it some other time if you prefer.’
She shook her head firmly, a smile lifting her lips. ‘No, no, I don’t mean sudden in a bad way, just in an I didn’t expect this from you sort of way. I’m supposed to be the emotional and impetuous one in this relationship.’ Her smile widening even more, those brown eyes of hers gleaming with love and dreams, she said, ‘San Amaro would be perfect.’
EPILOGUE
WHEN DESIGNING HER wedding gown, Toni had asked for pockets in the vintage silk and lace gown, so that she could carry a handkerchief. She had been convinced that she would cry endlessly.
Admittedly, she had shed a tear when Alice and Kara had joined her this morning, both of them looking radiant in their blush-pink bridesmaid gowns, Alice in particular, her eight-month pregnancy bump swathed beneath the soft silk folds of her gown. And a lump had formed in her throat when she had stood at the end of the short aisle of San Amaro and taken her mother’s arm, seeing the natural beauty of the chapel enhanced with the white rose and olive branch floral displays.
The wide smiles of their small group of wedding guests—her friends from London, Ivo’s rowing team and university friends he was in regular contact with—had also threatened her composure. But now, taking the light cotton and lace handkerchief from her pocket wasn’t for her tears but for Ivo’s.
Reluctantly taking the handkerchief from her, Ivo quickly wiped his eyes, ignoring the amused looks of his brothers and best men, Edwin and Luis, both dressed in tuxedos, as were the rest of their male guests. In her father’s arms, Gabriela, wearing the same simple floral crown of white roses as Toni’s in her dark hair, gave a chortle, and the rest of the guests chuckled. Ivo shook his head, his watery eyes filled with amusement, and then he softly whispered, ‘I love you.’
Summer Fling with a Prince Page 14