Which was what she’d thought about doing with Alex, but when it came to it, she knew it would be so hard to let him go too. ‘But I’m on call tonight. I can’t be here to meet them—’ Or make sure they were the right fit for her puppy.
She swallowed through a raw throat, unable to find any more words. It was what they’d decided, back at the beginning. Neither of them could take on a puppy long term and when she was back in Glasgow he’d have no one to take over the day shifts when he was at the surgery. And who was she to deny two small children a loving pet like Boy?
But her heart felt as if it were crumbling.
CHAPTER TWELVE
HE DIDN’T KNOW what to do.
It was Christmastime and she was sad and she’d said she wanted to make happy Christmas memories. He didn’t know how to make her smile. When he’d picked up Boy from her clinic the other day she’d pressed her lips together so hard he’d thought she might have drawn blood. Her brave goodbye to their puppy had splintered his heart. And even when she’d come to his place the next morning and they’d made love it had been heart-wrenching and desperate.
Yesterday had been the same. She was trying hard to be okay, but she wasn’t. And now it was late afternoon on Christmas Eve and she’d had the day off to get ready for her move back...home. But she didn’t seem happy about that either. He needed to make her smile. That was the thing about relationships, however burgeoning and new, or however old and familiar, however fleeting: you held each other up when needed. Beth needed holding up.
He found her at Bay View, sitting on her mum’s bed looking at an old book, with a backdrop of so much glitter and tinsel and Christmas guff it made his eyes water. Someone here really, really liked Christmas. He was pretty sure it wasn’t Beth.
‘Alex?’ The affection in her eyes made his heart contract into a tight ball.
‘Ho. Ho. Ho. And all that.’ Unable to stop himself, he went over and gave her a kiss that he knew looked a lot more than just good friends—which was the description she’d given her mother, apparently.
He kissed her mum too. On the cheek. ‘Is it okay if I steal your daughter away for a few hours, Mrs Masters?’
‘It’s Hazel. You always called me Hazel before.’ She patted his hand. ‘Yes, I’m fine. Go. Go. We’re just going through some old photos. I could sit here for hours and look at my little Beth. You want to see—?’ She offered the book to him but Beth stopped her and rolled her eyes.
‘Mum, no, he does not want to see what I looked like as a baby. I’m a grown woman.’
Hazel’s eyes were filled with affection for her daughter, and a little motherly irritation. ‘A grown woman who needs to get a life. Go.’
Alex managed the briefest of glimpses at the pictures. Beth sitting on her father’s knee. A Christmas cracker hat almost covering his eyes. He laughed. ‘I’ve seen those photos before. You were a very cute baby, but you’re a hell of a lot cuter now.’
‘What do you want?’ Another eye roll. But her cheeks pinked and she smiled. Result! ‘Where are we going?’
He walked her outside to his car, held the door open for her. ‘I promised you a date. So here we are. Hop in.’
‘It’s so beautiful here in the winter.’ She stared out of the window as they drove along the narrow winding road. It had stopped snowing a few days ago but was cold enough for the snow to stick. The leafless trees looked like strange eerie sculptures in a stark white landscape. She sighed. ‘It’s going to be a white Christmas.’
He wasn’t going to think about what tomorrow was going to bring. ‘Will you stay with me tonight?’
She blinked and looked at him curiously. Then nodded. ‘Yes. Yes, I will.’
‘And have you...’ He didn’t want to say it. Think it. Believe it. ‘Packed everything for your trip back tomorrow?’
Her mouth tightened. ‘Pretty much.’
Don’t go. It was a selfish thought and he pushed it back. There were so many things he wanted to say, on the tip of his tongue. So many words. He was going to miss her.
It was for the best.
I love you.
What the...? That one punched his chest, staccato. Like shots fired. I. Love. You. The shock was the same and had his brain reverberating. But she was talking and he had to pay attention. ‘Oh, before I forget. Two things: June’s gone to the foster home with Meg. She’s going to be okay. And...the results came back on the food sample I took at Oaktree Farm.’
‘Did it find anything?’ He registered that June was okay. Great. And there were results. But his thoughts swayed back. He loved her. He’d asked her to stay the night when in reality he wanted her to stay for ever. He wanted to make her happy. But he couldn’t. She made him happy and he didn’t want that to end.
Selfish.
She was animated as she talked. ‘They found traces of ibuprofen. So Dennis must have put it there. Luckily, Boy didn’t eat enough of it to make him sick and the lavage would have washed out any lingering traces. It makes me so angry and sad that he was doing that. Why? Why would you do that?’
Now he was focused but the hollow feeling in his chest lingered and his stomach clenched. ‘My guess is that it was a cry for help. He was lonely and wanted to feel important. You remember how he perked up when we said he’d saved Meg’s life? It made him feel useful. Will you report him?’
She nodded. ‘I’ll have to. Obviously.’
‘If he survives the accident he probably won’t go back to the farm. Chances are he won’t be allowed to own any animals. It’s an illness, Beth. Doing something like that is an illness.’
She shook her head. ‘It’s just so sad.’
‘Poor guy, to be so desperate to do that. Poor animals.’
What else was pretty damned sad was that Alex had held back for eight years because he hadn’t wanted to get to this damned point. Yet here he was. In love with her. Never stopped being in love with her. And he was still impotent to do anything about it.
They’d arrived in Carlisle and he pulled the car into the side of the road as soon as he found a decent parking spot. ‘Looks like they’ve closed the road. We’re going to have to get out and walk.’
She climbed out and when they rounded the corner she gasped. ‘Wow. It’s beautiful.’
Even he had to admit that the sight of dozens of little timber huts decorated in tiny white fairy lights and a carpet of twinkling snow was magical. ‘I heard there was exceptional glühwein here. We have to find that stall.’
‘Good plan.’ She slipped her hand into his and they started to make their way round the stalls. They didn’t get far before she’d slipped a red Santa hat, with flashing lights on the brim, onto his head and made him pose for a selfie. ‘Say bah humbug, Alex.’
He got her back with a kiss under plastic mistletoe. And another under some of the real stuff. And another just because...
They ate mince pies and sampled limoncello and artisan fruit cake. A little brass quartet was playing Christmas carols and she started to hum so badly it made him laugh. Then he pressed her against a lamppost and kissed her long and hard and he had to admit that sometimes Christmas could be okay.
But he didn’t wrap tinsel around her head and tell her she was his queen. And he certainly didn’t propose as he had all those years ago. Although, the idea flickered in the background no matter how much he pushed it away.
He loved her and he was letting her know and letting her go. Again. That was his gift to her.
‘This is the best glühwein I’ve ever had.’ She licked her lips and turned away from the stall, accidentally bumping into a pregnant woman who was holding a baby that looked about a year old.
‘Oh, goodness. I’m so sorry.’ Beth cooed to the baby and smiled at the woman and made sure they weren’t harmed. ‘Oh, Laura, I haven’t seen you for ages. How’s things?’
‘Beth Masters! Hello!’ But t
he smiling woman rolled her eyes towards two-peas-in-a-pod toddlers who were running around and between their mother’s legs. ‘Oh, you know. Busy.’
‘Twins? Lucky you.’ Beth bent down and smiled at each of them, fishing candy canes out of her bag and, with the mum’s nodded permission, handing them one each. ‘They’re gorgeous.’
‘They are so competitive. You wouldn’t believe.’ Laura jiggled the baby on her hip. ‘This one’s learning to walk and I can’t keep up with him. I hope this one’s quieter.’ She patted her swollen belly. ‘A girl would be nice, but you can’t choose, can you? How are you? You got kids?’
‘No. No kids.’ Beth’s eyes darted over to him and he felt the burn in his chest. Her eyes were kind and yet tinged with sadness. ‘I’m just here to play.’
‘Lucky you.’
Beth ruffled the baby’s head and beamed. ‘No, you’re the lucky one. Just look at that gorgeous smile.’
Then Laura headed away and Beth’s eyes followed them as they wove through the market. Alex took hold of her hand and brought her to a stall selling organic soaps and candles, trying to reconnect with her. But she looked back again, so he asked, ‘Old friend?’
‘Someone from school. Can you believe it? She’s my age with three kids and another on the way. Busy.’
‘She doesn’t know busy until she’s got a puppy with authority issues.’
‘Oh, Alex. I miss him.’ She hugged him tight. ‘I hope he’s happy with his new family.’
‘I’m sure he will be.’ Not wanting to add to her worries, he didn’t tell her about the three calls so far asking how to stop Boy chewing everything in sight.
Because, man, she had so much love to give, so much hope in her heart. She deserved to have a happy ever after filled with kids and babies and puppies under her feet. She deserved to fill her heart and her home with love and laughter and little ones. She deserved a row of stockings on the fireplace and late-night assembly of tricky plastic toys on Christmas Eve. She deserved all the love that came with excited squeals, and tinsel and glitter and Christmas magic. He didn’t know what to do or say because he couldn’t make her feel better about this. He was the wrong guy.
Thoughts tumbled and jumbled and reassembled in his brain and he put his hand to his head to stop them. But he couldn’t. Truth was, this was just a game of trying to pretend there wasn’t a massive elephant in the room. Playing at being a couple when it was never going to happen. He turned round, his boots making a dark, dirty circle in the snow. And another.
She caught his arm. ‘Alex, what is it? What’s the matter?’
‘Nothing. I’m fine.’ But he took her arm and gently steered her away from the crowds. He couldn’t do this here. Not with the tinsel and Christmas music...
She shook her head. ‘It’s not fine. Stop. Talk to me. What’s the matter?’
He stopped and put his hands to her face, wishing his heart weren’t tearing open like a cheap Christmas cracker. Wishing it were May bank holiday or Midsummer’s Eve and not bloody Christmas. ‘I can’t... Baby, I can’t do this.’
She gripped his sleeve and stumbled back with him to the car. ‘Don’t. Don’t, Alex. You promised me tonight. You promised.’
‘Tonight and then tomorrow morning and then when would it stop? Glasgow isn’t far away. We’d do the weekend thing, holidays. Then you’d move down here and we’d slide into something you wouldn’t be able to say no to.’
He opened the car door and she climbed in. ‘I don’t understand. Are you asking me to stay?’
With a tight knot deep in his gut, he slid into the driver’s seat, stabbed the ignition pad and pulled into the night. ‘No, Beth. I’m telling you to go.’
She shook her head sharply, her mouth wobbling. She pressed her lips together. Then, in a small voice, ‘Why?’
‘If I asked you to stay, I get the feeling you might say yes.’ Keeping an eye on the road, he touched her cheek. ‘And, God, there is nothing I want more. We’re good together. We both know that. So damned good. You make me feel things I never thought I’d feel again. You make me...hell, Beth... I...’
He wanted to tell her he loved her. It was shining brightly in his head and his heart. But if he told her that she’d stay, out of misguided loyalty to a dream they’d once had and hope they might actually have it some time. He tried to keep his eyes on the road but kept being drawn to look at her. Luckily, the traffic was quiet, everyone with their families, enjoying Christmas Eve. Having fun.
She blinked. Fast. ‘But—’
‘We’d settle into something nice and we’d get comfortable and then one day you’d look back...like you did just then. You’d look back and see what other people had and you’d wish and then you’d wonder why you’d given up your dreams, for me. I saw the way you looked at those kids. The affection. The longing. You’ve always wanted a family, Beth. Hell, you deserve one. Don’t you dare give up on what you want.’
‘We could adopt. We could... I don’t know, we could see someone, a specialist.’ Her breathing was as frantic as the look in her eyes. ‘We could...whoa. Be careful, it’s icy.’
The car skidded and he fought for control, trying to slow everything down, not quite believing he was back breaking her heart all over again. So much for being gentle. He turned left onto the Oakdale Road. ‘You want your own family. Your own babies. Don’t tell me you don’t. Adoption is difficult and not guaranteed.’
‘You wanted children too, Alex. I know it’s the end of a dream for you, not just me. You don’t have to pretend you don’t care because I know you do.’
Of course he cared. Caring hurt like a sharp knife being jabbed into his heart. Over and over. For eight long years. ‘You can do it, though. You can go ahead and have your dream. With someone else.’
She opened her mouth, closed it. Tears glistening in her eyes. Then one fell. Another. ‘We could just have pets. Dogs. A puppy.’
He looked at her as his heart shattered, wanting to stop her tears, wanting to promise her everything. ‘Clutching at dreams, baby. A puppy is never going to be enough. Not even two. Three. A whole damned zoo.’
She swiped her sleeve over her cheek. ‘So, this is it?’
‘It was always going to be it. You knew that. I was honest from the start. You need to pin your hopes on someone else. Someone better.’
‘There you are again, making decisions for me. I can choose, Alex.’
He pulled up outside her cottage. It was dark. There was no jolly Christmas wreath on the door, no welcoming lights. ‘Don’t choose me.’
‘So what? You’re going to end up all alone? Like Dennis? On purpose?’ she shouted at him. Angry. Magnificent. Beautiful. Her fists on his chest, pressing, pushing. ‘For God’s sake. I don’t believe you are doing this. After everything we’ve been through. Everything we’ve shared. I should never have let you into my heart again.’
Then she climbed out of the car and slammed the door.
Slamming shut the last chance of happiness he’d ever have.
* * *
How bloody dared he?
How dared he saunter into her life and break her heart all over again? She stumbled into the cottage and leaned back on the front door. Her old home was pitch black and empty.
Just like the way her life felt right now. She’d given part of herself to Alex and to Boy, the parts she should have given to someone who would have treasured them. Treasured her. And not thrown it all back at her.
She took a deep breath and shuddered on the exhale. Tried to control her inhale. And out. Tried to calm down. She was done. Done.
No. She was nowhere near done. She was raging.
She flicked on the light and stormed into the lounge. The pathetic Christmas tree she’d decorated with her mum sat in the middle of the floor like a bad omen. She ripped the baubles off and stuffed them back in their box, then picked up the tree, snap
ped the branches off and stuffed them into the last black bin bag she had.
Gone. Done. Done. Bloody Christmas. Bloody men.
A tear dripped onto the plastic. Then another. And soon a torrent of them fell, making rivulets on the bin bag drizzling to the floor. Why did it have to hurt so much? Why did she pick the wrong men? Man.
It was only ever Alex. He was the only man she’d ever loved.
Her fist closed round the bag and her fingernails dragged holes in the plastic. The truth flickered starkly, blinking like the lights on the Santa hat she’d made him put on for the photograph. Why did he make her hurt so much?
Because she loved him.
After everything he’d done to her the first time around, and still she’d opened herself to more hurt. She loved him. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have been so reckless with her heart? Again?
Loved him without a shred of sensibility. Loved him with abandon. Had pretty much offered up her heart and invited him to stomp on it. She stalked upstairs to her room, tripping over her suitcases on the floor, adding stubbed-toe pain to the physical hurt in her heart. She kicked one over.
Thank God she was leaving this place. Thank God she still had a house and a job in Glasgow. Thank God she hadn’t given up her dream for him.
But what use was a dream if the man you loved wasn’t in it, sharing it, loving you back?
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
THERE WAS FRESH snow to greet Alex when he opened the blinds on Christmas morning with about as much cheer in his heart as the Scrooge character he was often compared to. Not surprising, really, given that memories of Christmases past had done their very best to haunt him into the early hours.
He’d done the right thing. Twice. And that was it. He was never getting involved in a relationship again. Climbing and hiking, doctoring and sleeping. That was what his to do list was now. Nothing else. No emotions, no feelings. Certainly not falling in love.
He peered through the wooden venetian slats and watched the Oakdale locals milling about the village square in heavy coats and red and white hats, smiling, laughing, hugging. He shivered and shoved his hands deep into his pockets. Happy Christmas? Just another one to chalk up to experience. Next year he’d definitely go somewhere else. Australia and sunshine sounded good. Anywhere where he’d miss this.
A Puppy and a Christmas Proposal Page 16