by Lynn Landes
“I am home, Anika.”
“No, you are still on the battlefield. It was never your fight, Glenn. You say such beautiful things to your sister, but it applies to you too. Give all your anger, rage and fury to the Lord and lay it down. It’s such a heavy burden you’re trying to carry, and you don’t have to.”
“I know what you’re saying, but how do I get from here to there? I’m doing the best I can, Anika.”
“Saul used to say that at the beginning. I hope you figure it out soon, Glenn” she replies and rushes outside.
Chapter 22
Anika hears the doorbell ring and frowns. Just when she was looking forward to some time alone. Delaney is at the barn with Allen, and Daisy took Savannah to town for shopping. The twins are being cared for by Mrs. Henrietta giving her some time to herself. Glenn insisted she comes three days a week to help.
When she opens the door her stomach drops. “Rhemi Darlington at your service.” Tall, dark hair, and well-dressed he would be any woman’s idea of a good catch, except he makes Anika’s skin crawl.
“Good morning, Mr. Darlington. I’m afraid Glenn is working in the fields pruning, you just missed him.”
“Excellent.” He sweeps his hat from his head and leans on the door frame. Dressed in a dark blue suit, he's dressed to impress. “I came for you, Anika.”
Allen is walking Delaney around the corral next to the barn on horseback for her lesson when he notices the carriage in front of the house. He whistles at Glenn who has just returned from the fields. He trots over on his horse.
“Were you expecting company, son?”
“No. Isn’t that the Darlington carriage?”
“Looks like it. Let me go with...” Allen sighs when his son kicks his horse into a full run towards the house.
“I didn’t give you leave to call me by my first name, Mr. Darlington.” Anika snaps at Rhemi. “You will have to come back another time when Glenn is present.”
The teasing light in his eyes flickers out replaced by a violence she recognizes. Anika tries to slam the door, but he jams his foot inside. “Come now, Anika,” he sneers. “Surely you can at least hear me out or is that too civilized for you.” His face is close enough that she can smell a sweet, foul-smelling odor that she can't place.
Rhemi shoves the door with his shoulder ripping it free of her hands, and it slams into her shoulder, knocking the breath from her. He steps inside and closes the door shut behind him, locking it. Anika spins to run only to yelp in shock when he leaps in front of her.
“What do you want?” Anika looks around desperate for a way to protect herself.
“I have an offer for you. I’m in need of your particular services.” He grins and steps towards her. “I’ve been waiting for a chance to get you alone.” Anika turns and runs into the kitchen. She almost makes it to the back door, but Rhemi is faster. He laughs as he grabs her sore arm. Anika grabs the closest thing she can reach, a black cast-iron skillet to fight him off, but he is much stronger than her.
Rhemi jerks it from her hands tossing it across the kitchen with a crash and backhands her across the face. Anika careens into the small wooden table and chairs.
“Anika,” he kicks a chair out of the way. “I’m in need of a wet nurse.” He grabs the front of her dress and rips at it.
Anika screams and scratches his face with her nails, attempting to break free of him, but nothing affects him.
Rhemi jerks her up by the upper arms, lifting her from the floor, staring down at her chest. “One with full, round, breasts, erect...”
The click of a rifle being cocked has his blood running cold. “You’d better not finish that sentence, Rhemi.”
Anika tries to jerk free of his grip, but he squeezes her upper arms, causing her to scream out in pain. Instead of releasing her, he flips her around and shoves a knife under her chin, pulling her back against his body, he starts backing away.
“Glenn you've had your fun, now it's my turn. Anika's coming with me.” His eyes are the only indication of his state of mind. Wild fury, with dilated pupils he drags Anika backward.
“Glenn?” She pleads. Blood trickles down from the corner of her mouth, and the room falls silent. His eyes shift to hers taking in the fear as they plead with him silently to save her.
“Shut up!” Rhemi screams.
Glenn sizes up his enemy. The noise fades from the room as he seeks his target and fires. Rhemi screams, dropping the knife as the bullet barely misses his ear and sinks into the plaster wall behind him. Glenn cocks the rifle again.
“The next one will be through your forehead!”
Rhemi shoves her away from him, and Anika runs behind Glenn just as Allen and a stable hand burst through the kitchen door with pistols.
“You could’ve killed me!” Rhemi screeches.
Allen takes one look at Anika and punches Rhemi. No one moves for a second until Anika laughs, startling everyone and then begins to sob in earnest. Glenn hands his father the rifle and doesn't speak. He picks her up and strides from the room, carrying her straight up the stairs and into her bedroom.
Alone in her room, Glenn sits in her favorite chair as she sobs and waits for her tears to slow. A basin of water is on the table next to the chair, and he gently dips a cloth into it and lifts her chin. A bruise is already forming on her cheek, and he tenderly wipes at the swollen corner of her mouth, washing the blood off.
“You don't have…” Glenn silences her with a look, and her tears start again. His gentle touch is her undoing. Anika knows she shouldn't be in his arms, or alone with him, but she can't bring herself to let go just yet.
Glenn sighs when she folds back into his arms and rocks her, waiting for the trembling in her body to stop. He savors the feel of her and struggles to calm his own savagely beating heart. When she tries to push away, he holds on, “Not yet,” he pleads.
Glenn blows out a shuttered breath, and she realizes for the first time that he is trembling too. Anika relaxes and buries her face in his neck. His warmth, surrounds her, his scent fills her, and she finds at that moment, peace for the first time in years.
“I’ve killed a lot of people Anika during the War, but never once did I do it because I wanted to.” Anika leans back and stares at him. He traces her face with a finger, and her heart stutters. “I want to.”
“Glenn?” She whispers, and he stands with her, striding to the bed. Her mouth parts in shock when he lets her feet go, and she slides down his body to the floor. The front of her dress is ruined, revealing a purple lace corset and scratches from his nails across the pale skin. Desire strikes fast and hard. He guides her to the edge of the bed and pushes gently encouraging her to sit down.
“You should clean up, I need to go deal with him.”
Anika sits, pale-faced and nods as he turns to leave. Just before he gets to the door, she calls out.
“He’s not worth it, Glenn. We need you here. Don’t kill him.” He nods and stomps from her room.
“Don't kill him, don't kill him,” Glenn chants as he storms down the stairs. A minute later, Rhemi is tossed into the front yard, and it takes his father and two stable hands to pry him off Rhemi’s bloody body.
Glenn laughs. “I didn’t kill him.”
Later when the Sheriff comes to collect him, Glenn leans into the back of the carriage and tells Rhemi, “Don't you ever set foot near me or mine again. The next time you'll leave here in a wooden box.”
“She's trash, Wade! When you're through with her, I'll be waiting.” His father leaps and grabs Glenn pulling him back before he can finish what he started. The Sheriff drives off before he decides to let Glenn shoot him.
“No, she’s not trash, she’s mine,” he growls.
Allen stares at him in stunned silence. Glenn stops fighting his father, shocked by his train of thought. He jerks free and stomps back inside the house.
Glenn is washing the blood off his fists when his Father walks in. Allen steps over the broken chair and steps to the kitche
n cupboard, pulling down a decanter of whiskey. Two glasses are poured, and he offers one to his son. Glenn tosses the whiskey back and hisses as it burns its way down his throat.
“The Sheriff says he will hold him overnight, but his Father will pay to get him out.”
Glenn slams the glass on the counter, and Allen falls silent. “I should've killed him.”
“What’s going on with you son? You aren’t a cold-blooded killer...” Allen jumps when Glenn turns and laughs a bitter laugh.
“You can’t be serious, Dad.” He steps close enough to see the streaks of green in his father’s blue eyes. “I’ve lost count of the lives I’ve taken, and I didn’t want to kill any of them.” His hands shake as he pours another whiskey. “He was planning on hurting…”
“Don’t you dare use me as an excuse,” Anika snaps. Both men jump in shock when she stalks to him and jerks the whiskey from his hand and tosses it in the sink. “I won’t be the reason you unleash the rage you carry in your soul, Glenn.”
“You have no right to…” Glenn snaps only to stammer in shock when she pokes him in his chest.
“No one else has the guts to say it to you.” Anika ignores the noise from the entry as Daisy and Savannah return from shopping. “The Bible says in Peter, 5:8; to ‘be alert and sober-minded, Glenn. The Devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.' Don't let it be you,” she pleads.
“How easy it is for you to say, but have you forgiven Saul yet, Anika? You carry the same fury reflected in me.”
Glenn's anger doesn't scare her, because it is tempered by his fear for her. He touches her bruised cheek, swollen lip. The tears in her eyes add fuel to his fire, and he shouts at her, jerking free of his Father's hand on his arm.
“He was going to hurt you!”
“He wouldn't be the first man to hurt me. No, Glenn, I haven't forgiven him, yet. He took away my innocence, my trust in humanity, but I want to forgive him. I trust God will show me how. Do you?” Anika turns and walks past the shocked faces and stomps to her room.
Glenn storms outside and finds Delaney cowering under a tree near the back porch. “Delaney?” he calls out. Delaney looks up with a tear stained face and his stomach drops. “Everything is okay, sweetie.”
“You yelled at my Mama,” she accuses him.
“I did.” Glenn sits next to her on the ground. “Sometimes when people care about each other they yell.”
Delaney wipes her eyes with the sleeve of her dress and looks up at him. “Mama says love shouldn’t hurt, Mr. Glenn. Did you hurt my Mama?”
Shame fills his soul, and he drops his head for a moment to regain his composure. “I didn't strike your Mother, Delaney. I would never hit either of you.” Delaney stands up and knocks the dirt from her dress. She walks closer to him and taps his shoulder.
Blue eyes meet hazel, “Words hurt too, Mr. Glenn. My Mama’s had enough hurt.” A single tear slips free and tracks down his cheek.
“I know, Delaney. I’ll ask for her forgiveness. Will you forgive me for scaring you?”
She searches his face and finds something that calms her heart. “Yes, Mr. Glenn,” she throws both arms around his shoulders and hugs him tight. Glenn sighs and closes his eyes in shame.
“Thank you, Delaney, you are an extraordinary little girl.”
“I know,” she giggles and runs inside to her Mother.
Glenn stands slowly and walks to his horse. Riding out he prays that God will be as forgiving as this child.
Chapter 23
Pastor Donegal is working on a wooden floorboard on the front step of the church when Glenn rides up on his horse.
“Mr. Ward, your just in time to save me from real work,” he says with a grin.
“Glad to be of service,” Glenn says with a laugh as he dismounts. “Do you have a few minutes to talk?”
“Of course.” He drops his hammer and dusts his hands on his denims.
Glenn spins his hat in his hand nervously glancing at the church behind him.
“Let’s walk to the barn and tie up your mount.”
“Thank you.” They make their way slowly to the barn and Glenn clears his throat. “I’ve got a serious problem, Pastor, and I’m hoping you can help me.”
“I’ll do my best.” He shows him where to tie the horse up and waits for Glenn before guiding him from the barn.
“I do some of my best thinking back here. Something about the water soothes my soul. I built this bench just for this purpose.”
Glenn sits nervously on a bench next to the small pond behind the barn and starts to talk. “I almost killed Rhemi Darlington this morning. He attacked Anika in our home.”
“Is she alright?”
“Yes, she’s stronger than most.” His hands ball into fists, “I’m afraid I scared my family.”
“What about yourself?” The Pastor asks softly, “Did you scare yourself?”
“Yes,” his hoarse voice is low with shame. “I thought I’d left it behind me, but it followed me home.” He looks out at the water and frowns.
“What followed you home?” he asks.
“The rage, Pastor. It doesn’t let me rest. I thought the nightmares were done after the war, but since Sue passed, they’ve gotten worse.”
Pastor Donegal stares at him and takes note of his rough condition. Beard, anger, gaunt look, red eyes, trembling hands, and sighs. “I see. Can you tell me about the nightmares?”
Hardened eyes that have seen the unimaginable stare back at him. “I can’t speak of the carnage.”
“War is a nasty business. Tell me what bothered you most about being a soldier.”
“Surviving,” Glenn responds instantly. He glances away, ashamed to finally voice it aloud.
Pastor Donegal closes his eyes in a quick prayer, asking God to guide his words. “Did you enjoy killing?”
Glenn’s eyes snap back to his in anger. “No!”
“Did you keep count of each body? Take pride in the number?” He demands not letting up.
“No,” Glenn jumps up and begins to pace. “Of course not! It was a job. Kill or be killed. Nothing more.”
“After each battle, how did you feel?”
“Relieved, relieved that I survived. I prayed to God to spare my life, and he did, but sometimes the terror was mixed with exhilaration.” Glenn glares at him in defiance. “Does that shock you?”
“Tell me about your last battle?” He demands, ignoring his challenge.
“It was a sea of blood and body parts. My brothers around me were falling. The Cavalry charged first but… they were prepared for us this time. Trenches were dug…” Glenn sits heavily next to the pastor, “I don’t need to close my eyes to relive it. I can still taste the tinge of death. It permeates everything, smoke, blood, urine, and feces but that’s not what haunts me.”
Glenn is unaware of the tears streaming down his face, “It’s the silence after. The moaning, begging and pleading to God for help. The same God I prayed to.” Anger rears and Glenn beats at his chest. “Some of us stayed and gave them what they asked for. It was a mercy compared to the wait others had.”
Silence falls for a few minutes while Glenn struggles to compose himself.
“Throughout the Bible, Glenn, war is shown as an inescapable reality. This world is condemned, and there is evil on this earth that must be stopped. Sometimes bloodshed is the result. Whether a soldier will be allowed entrance into heaven depends on his own conscious. I don’t believe killing in combat is a sin, though it can be. In fact, there are many wars mentioned in the Bible.”
“I know that Pastor but,” Glenn stops when Pastor Donegal gets angry.
“No! If you hear nothing else today, hear this. Your entrance into Heaven is not determined by whether you killed during war, but by your faith in a Merciful God. There is no deed big enough to cleanse our souls, we are all born sinners. It is only through God’s mercy that we are forgiven. The stones of anger, rage, guilt, and shame are weighing you down. Will you l
et them bury you, too? Enough men have died. To receive Gods mercy, you must first show yourself mercy.”
Glenn hangs his head, “I want to be better, do better. I’m just not sure where to start.”
“You just did, son. Recognize that you aren’t alone, Glenn, and realize that only God has the right to judge us. Talk to your family. They love you and will understand. In time you could be a resource to other men who’ve come home with these same feelings. Some turn to alcohol, some to women, others to violence, but they all deserve to know they aren’t alone.”
“Will you pray for me, Pastor?” Glenn asks.
“I can do better than that, I can pray with you.” Together they walk into the church to pray.
Anika soaks in a hot bath till it's tepid then dries off and puts on a riding shirt with the denims she borrowed from Savannah. All cried out she feeds the boys, savoring the way they feel in her arms. If things don't change, hard choices will have to be made, but not today. “That pig is not going to ruin my plans. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my day off with Delaney.” She asks the housekeeper to prepare a picnic lunch only to find Delaney sewing with Daisy.
“If it’s okay, Mama, I want to stay with Mrs. Daisy.”
“Of course, if Mrs. Daisy says it’s okay.”
“I’d love the company. Are you sure you should be riding?” She asks with a worried glance at Delaney.
“I’m fine. I hope you both can forgive me for yelling at Glenn, but...”
Daisy stands up quickly and steps in front of her. “You said what needed to be said at least you were brave enough to face the beast inside of him.”
“Mr. Glenn's not a beast, his hearts just broke. Mama's gonna fix it, right Mama?”
“Delaney I can’t...”
“You have to Mama,” she jumps and runs to grab her hands, “sometimes his bad dreams keep him up, and he's calling for help, but no one helps him. You have to save him, Mama.”