Butterfly laughed. We estimated where we might be the first day and the second, all of us talking at once. It felt wonderful; it felt like hope.
Later, it was almost impossible to fall asleep.
Minutes after the lights were out in our room, Raven called to me.
"What?"
"You're not going to change your mind, are you, Brooke?" Raven's voice shook slightly.
"Absolutely not. You don't think we're doing the wrong thing, do you?" Suddenly I too was scared.
"Don't worry Brooke, no matter what happens to us on the road it won't be half as bad as what could happen if we stayed."
"Good night," I said quietly.
"Brooke?"
"Yes?"
"I was just thinking . . . this is our last night here," she whispered.
I thought for a moment. Of course, she was right. Good-bye and good riddance to these four walls, I thought. Good riddance to feeling like nobody, nameless and alone. Tomorrow, tomorrow we'll be on the road To our future.
"I couldn't be more happy about it," I said. "I don't care how hard it's going to be for us after we leave. I'm glad we're doing it. I'm glad we're finally taking charge of our lives."
"Me too. Good night."
"Good night," I said and turned over into my dream.
Now that the last week of school was under way, students didn't have to go unless they had a test to take, and if they didn't have an afternoon exam, they could go home. We were all finished with our exams in the morning, but neither Louise nor Gordon knew. After our morning tests, instead of going home, we went to the bank to get our money. The teller seemed very suspicious. Crystal was afraid she would call Louise, but she didn't. We spent the rest of the day picking up little things we might need on the trip.
When we returned to the Lakewood House, we found our chores were posted as usual. Gordon wasn't going to make today any exception, regardless of final exams. We all went to work, hoping to hide our excitement and anxiety. For all of us, it felt strange to move around the property and in the building knowing that tonight we were going to leave forever. While we ate dinner that evening, we gazed at each other with conspiratorial looks. Butterfly was so nervous she hardly ate. I made her try because I didn't want any of us to do the slightest thing to draw suspicion or curiosity about our behavior.
With what felt like butterflies floating in our stomachs, we went up to our rooms to wait for the passage of time, the darkness and silence that followed when everyone went to sleep. Louise stopped by each of our rooms to ask how we did on our exams.
"I hope everyone got A's," she said. "I've always been very proud of my children when it comes to their school work. Next year Crystal will be the class valedictorian. Imagine that, one of Louise Tooey's children, a class valedictorian."
No one said much since we hoped to move her along by not responding, but she lingered to talk about the upcoming summer, the prospect for jobs and improvements she hoped to make on the property. Finally, she said good night and left us to go downstairs to her office.
"I thought she'd never leave," I said with relief. "Let's get to bed and act as normal about everything as we always do. Just keep your clothes on under your blanket so you're ready," I advised.
My gang looked frozen with anticipation, all holding their breath.
It grew late. I heard Louise and Gordon come up and go to their bedroom. From the sound of his voice, I thought Gordon might have been drinking. I hoped he had because he would fall asleep faster. I had seen him do that before. When he drank, he could sleep anywhere, even in one of those old, awkward wooden chairs, his arms and legs dangling like the appendages of some giant, dead insect.
A little after midnight, I rose, my heart pounding. Raven sat up. She had obviously been lying there with her eyes wide open, watching me.
"Is it time?" she asked.
"Yes. You go get Crystal and go down to the kitchen. The coast should be clear. Be real quiet and careful about it and remember, don't take too much. I'll go get the car keys," I said as if there was nothing more to it than fetching them from the Tooeys' bedroom.
"You're the one who has to be careful, Brooke," she warned. "If there's any chance he'll catch you, don't do it."
"There's no chance," I assured her, building my own courage.
"Maybe we should join heads first and chant."
"I'm all right, Raven. Don't worry. I can do this," I said. I was anxious to get those keys into my hands. Then I knew it was really going to happen.
Before I got out of bed, I tapped lightly on the wall between our room and Crystal and Butterfly's. One of them tapped back.
"Let's do it," I said.
I left my shoes off so I could move more quietly down the corridor. I stepped out. Crystal and Butterfly were in their doorway.
"I'm fine," I said before Crystal could ask. "You and Raven go get the food. Butterfly, just be a lookout."
The two of them hurried away and I turned to gaze down the hallway toward Louise and Gordon's bedroom. The hallway was lit by three rather weak ceiling fixtures. A pale yellow light spilled down the tired walls. The door to Gordon and Louise's bedroom looked farther away than ever. Every step I took caused a creak in the wood floor and to me, those creaks were loud. I hesitated, listened for the sound of anyone waking. It would be hard to explain why I was wandering about down here barefoot if I were discovered. I was afraid one of the other kids would see me and make a commotion, too.
The thumping under my breast grew so hard and fast, I feared I might lose my breath, get dizzy and fall. What made me think I had the strength and ability to do this? I wondered now that I was actually out here doing it. Crystal was right. This is a pipe dream. I can't open that bedroom door and reach around to find his jacket. What if the jacket falls and the keys jingle? What if he's not asleep?
I was beginning to panic. My heart was skipping beats now. Raven was right. We should have joined and chanted. I was too confident. I looked back. Butterfly stood in the doorway, waiting with bated breath. The sight of her, small and anxious, but hopeful too, restored my strength. I had to get her out of here. I had to.
I waved and then nodded to assure her I was all right, even though I was far from it.
I looked at Louise and Gordon's bedroom door again and started toward it, sliding along the wall. Finally, I was there. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and tried the handle. It turned and the door moved with just the slightest creak.
I had been in their bedroom a half dozen times for one reason or another, sometimes bringing something up for Louise. I knew that the door opened to a little entryway. Around the corner to the left was their bedroom with two large windows that faced the lake. There was a large closet left of that. On the right were their dressers and in the corner, the entrance to their bathroom.
I continued to open the door until I had enough room to slip between it and the jamb. I did so quickly, closing the door behind me so there would be a minimum of light spilling in from the hallway. There I was, standing in the darkness in their bedroom entryway, holding my breath. I had done it. It was too late to turn back now.
Moving in tiny increments, taking what seemed like an hour just to turn my body, I found the jacket just where it always was and slipped my fingers into the first pocket. The tips of my thumb and forefinger touched the set of keys, but just as they did so, a night light snapped on. I froze.
"What is it?" I heard Gordon moan.
"I've got to go to the bathroom," Louise said. "Can't you go without turning on that damn light and waking me up, for crissakes."
"I didn't want to stumble on anything," she explained.
He groaned, a muffled sound into his pillow. I didn't move a muscle, didn't release a breath. I heard her go into the bathroom and close the door. I remained as still as I could and waited. I heard the toilet flush, saw the light when she opened the door, and then heard her get back into bed and snap off the night lamp.
"Sorry," she muttered. He d
idn't respond. I waited, the sweat now dampening the back of my neck. I wanted to be sure they had fallen back asleep. My whole body was numb and cold and suddenly, my legs felt as if they were melting. I would soon just fold up on the floor in a heap, I thought. I better do what I came to do.
I reached in again, found the keys and started to inch them up and out of the pocket. The back of my hand touched something else and I paused, realizing what it could be. If it was what I thought it was, it would be great, I thought. I drew out the keys and then felt around and brought out the gas credit card. What luck, I thought, a real bonus.
Now I had to slip out as quietly and as quickly as I had slipped in. I pried the door open, again inches at a time, keeping the creak as low as possible, until I had enough room to squeeze through. I did it on all fours and then I closed the door as softly as I could behind me. For a moment I just squatted there, listening, waiting for the terrifying sound of Gordon's growl as he came after me, but all remained quiet. Way up the hallway, I saw Crystal, Raven and Butterfly in the doorway watching me. Raven and Crystal had returned from the kitchen, a sack of groceries in hand. I lifted my hand, thumb up, and then I rose and tiptoed my way back.
We all gathered in my and Raven's room, whispering.
"You were in there so long, we thought he caught you for sure," Raven said.
I quickly told them what had happened and then showed them the credit card.
"Gordon's not only lending us his car, but money for gas," I said.
"You sure neither of them heard you?" Crystal asked.
"If they had, Gordon would be here by now," I said. "How did you do?"
She showed me what they had in the sack, mostly canned goods and nonperishables.
"Good choices," I commented. "We're all set. Nothing can stop us now."
"I'm afraid," Butterfly whimpered. The realization that we had everything we needed to go frightened her.
"Let's join," Raven suggested, looking from Butterfly to Crystal and then to me. "I need it, too," she confessed: I looked at Crystal. She nodded.
The four of us joined hands and chanted under our breath, building our courage, filling ourselves with strength. Then we separated, swallowed hard, and gathered our things. We moved like four ghosts along the wall toward the stairs, but just as we got there, Megan Callaway came out of her room to go to the bathroom.
Everyone froze.
"What are you idiots doing?" she asked, sauntering over.
"Keep your voice down," I whispered, looking frantically toward Gordon and Louise's bedroom door.
She looked at our pillowcases and the sack of groceries.
"What is this?"
"We're running away," I said matter-of-factly. She looked at each of us and then at me. "Serious?"
"That's right. If you make a sound, I swear I'll take so many pictures of you we'll be able to wallpaper the dining room."
I kept my eyes fixed on hers and she saw I meant it. She wilted.
"What do I care if you run away. Good. Good riddance to you all," she said. "Have a nice life."
I nodded at Raven and she started toward the stairs again. Megan remained behind us, watching. Crystal grabbed my arm and I looked at her. She moved her eyes and then pulled the phony map out of her pocket. I understood and smiled.
Just before we descended, she dropped the map as if by accident and we moved quickly down the stairs, trying to become light as air as our footsteps made the old steps creak and moan.
"She won't be able to contain herself," Crystal said, referring to Megan. "As soon as we're gone, she'll give the map to Gordon."
"Crystal, you know you are brilliant," I said, "and even a bit evil."
"I know," she said with small smile.
We continued through the house. Butterfly was practically on her toes all the way to the back door.
I opened it slowly and looked back at my sisters, each with her eyes full of anticipation and fear.
"It's a piece of cake," I said, trying to sound braver than I felt. Raven smiled nervously. Butterfly still looked like she was about to cry. I decided to move quickly before she could think about turning back.
We hurried out of the house and to the station wagon. On summer nights like this one, Gordon left it outside of the garage. He even left the vehicle unlocked. Quietly, carefully, I opened the door and got in behind the wheel. The others rushed around, Raven getting in front, Butterfly and Crystal in the back. All the doors were closed with a soft kiss of metal on metal. I inserted the key into the ignition, my fingers trembling just a bit.
"It smells like a musty cellar in here," Raven said, holding her nose. "Ugh."
"Here's one reason," Crystal said, showing us a bottle of cheap wine that had probably spilled on the floor.
"We'll have to clean it up before we sleep in here," Butterfly said.
"Are you really sure you can drive this thing?" Raven asked.
"You know I can," I said with a confident smile. "I did really well in drivers' education class. Didn't I get the highest mark on the exam?"
"That's ail- exam. This is really doing it and without an instructor at your side all the time."
"Stop worrying, worrywart," I told Crystal. "Ready, girls?"
They all mumbled yes and I turned the key. The wagon started immediately with a rumble that shook the whole vehicle.
"The fuel tank's full," I announced. "Good old Gordon," I said, "keeps his vehicle tuned up and ready." I gazed back at the large, dark house. "Thanks, Gordon."
I put the car into drive and accelerated just a bit too fast. The tires spun some gravel, but I held the wheel firmly and drove down the long driveway to the street. I didn't want the others to know, but I was amazed at myself.
We continued down the highway, now spread before us like the road to Oz, a streak of silver pointing to the unknown. Everyone was quiet. It was so late it felt like darkness had turned to stone.
"I wish I was there to see his face in the morning," Raven said.
"Not me," Crystal mumbled.
"He'll blame Louise," I said. "He's always accusing her of being too soft with us."
"I feel sorry for her," Raven said. "I don't know why she ever married him."
"She'll be wondering the same thing tomorrow morning," I said. Suddenly, I broke into a loud laugh.
"What?" Raven said.
"I was just thinking about Megan. She'll give him the phony map in the morning so she can be his little hero and then he'll go off in the wrong
direction."
"So?" Raven said. "That's what you wanted to happen, right?"
I looked at Crystal and she smiled. She turned to Raven.
"He'll think she did it on purpose, that she was part of our plan."
"Oh. Oh, that is funny Maybe not," she said after a moment. "He'll kill her."
We were all silent again, contemplating Gordon's rage.
"Maybe we should go back," Butterfly said a few minutes into the silence.
"Back? Back to what? There is no back. There is only forward," I said. "Don't worry, Butterfly. We're all together, all with you."
No one spoke. No one could disagree.
"We did it," Crystal said, amazed. She kept her eyes forward on the road ahead. "We really did it."
"I always knew we could," I said. Above us, the sky blazed with stars.
"Turn on the radio," Raven said.
I leaned over and did so. We found a rock station and Raven turned up the volume and began to sing along, filling the car with her melodious voice.
I grew more confident behind the wheel and accelerated.
Our journey had truly begun.
4 The Road Less Traveled
High on excitement, none of us noticed how tired we really were. The tension was enough to exhaust any of us, and the late hour just made it more difficult to stay awake. Driving at this time of night had one big advantage: there wasn't much traffic. I knew the roads that would take us to the main highway, but after that I had to
rely on Crystal and her maps. Once we were on the main highway and I saw a sign that read, NEW YORK CITY 90 MILES, my heart fluttered. The realization that we were actually doing this, that we were on the highway putting miles and miles between ourselves and the only lives we had known for years settled in and for a few moments made us all quiet, made us all look deeper into ourselves.
All our lives we had been watched over and protected either by adoptive parents for a while or by the system. It was always difficult to make someone who had lived with their parents all their lives understand what it was like to be one of us. Without family, we felt without history, felt as if we had just been plopped down someplace and told to eat, sleep, play and grow like normal children. It was hard to live as a ward of some giant entity called The State. When we were afraid or lonely, when nightmares trickled into our dreams, when failures and disappointments rained down on our lives, we couldn't run home to Mommy or Daddy. We could talk it over with a counselor when our time came, of course. We could be analyzed and given some textbook prescriptions to cure our common sense of meaninglessness, but they hardly ever made us feel better about ourselves.
Once, when someone at school made me angry, I accused her of being spoiled and not knowing what it was like to live without a real family. She just smirked until I leaned into her, our faces only inches api, and said, "Just imagine sitting in front of the television set every night and seeing these
commercials about children with their parents going to Disneyland or sitting around a breakfast table. Just imagine looking at it and thinking as far as you were concerned, it was science fiction."
Her smirk evaporated and everyone around us looked down, ashamed because they had been born luckier than me.
I never really felt like anybody special. Except for the time I spent with Pamela and Peter. But if being special meant I couldn't be me then I didn't want it. I'd rather be lonely old me than someone's special project, poked and prodded into the mold they'd made for me.
Now, driving this car, rushing with my best friends in all the world through the night, I felt a sense of freedom. It was as if we had all thrown off the chains of who we were and what people tried to make us into and had finally become free. As recently as a few hours ago, we were better known by the numbers on our files. We were, as Crystal often said, "in the system," labeled and described by some official, our little histories summarized in a few pages that included biological facts about our blood type, our eye color, our inoculations.
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