by HJ Bellus
I grab my plate and salad bowl along with the dressings. Once I place everything where each item belongs, large hands grab my hips, inching their way around to my front. It’s a hot whisper on my neck that fully gains my attention.
“Go shower.” Full, sexy lips trail their way up the length of my neck. “And meet us back down here.”
I can’t help but melt back into Cody. I let him catch me whole, relishing in his touch and presence. I’m safe and home with him here.
“Okay,” I manage to stutter out.
Cody doesn’t stop his sinful assault with his hands sneaking up the front of my t-shirt, grazing the underside swell of my breasts. It’s the most delicious appetizer that doesn’t nearly satisfy my hunger.
“Junior, I’m all ready,” comes a sweet voice.
“Baby.” Cody’s baritone, gruff voice echoes in my ear. “Please, please tell me if you need anything.”
I nod and take a long and painful gulp, relaxing my head on his shoulder. “Okay.”
I stutter out each sound, feeling Cody’s body go stiff behind me, ruining our sweet moment. Before I know it, our moment shatters, blowing away.
Cody has to have the last word, as he always does. “I mean it, Bertie. I’d do anything.”
And he’s gone and at the sink cleaning up the mess from dinner. It’s a sight. I don’t have it in me to process all of it. I head up to my room, indulging in that hot shower. I don’t rush or race, knowing my little Cody is in safe hands. Thoughts, ideas, plans roll over on an endless loop in my mind. It’s too much, and I give into the searing hot water pelting down on me. The same happens as I dry off and dress in comfortable clothes, worn, soft material that hugs my skin. I force myself to turn off my brain driving all the thinking and decide to live in the moment.
It’s her sweet giggle that powers my steps down the stairs. It’s her questions and Cody guiding her through the process. When I enter the kitchen, she’s sitting on his lap as he reads the step by step directions. Her face is pressed against the screen with Cody moving his head around hers to continue reading. I lean on the door jamb, soaking in the moment. In the short time he’s been around, my girl has fallen in love with the same man who owns my heart. She fell hard, just like her mom.
The confusion threatens to set in again. I don’t let it, forcing myself to join the fun activity. I’ve tried damn hard to do fun things like this with Cody over the years. Unfortunately, they’ve been far and few between. That’s where Nell stepped up, taking charge for me. Nell is just another reason why this is my home.
“Mom.” Cody grabs my hand, distracting me from my vortex of self-punishment. “We are just about to get started.”
She points at each ingredient, explaining the process the best she can. I continue to nervously nibble on my bottom lip, still caught up a bit in my own head.
“We’re ready, Junior.” Cody claps her hand.
I look up the same moment to see Cody dip his fingers in a bowl of water and flick them in my direction, the drops making contact with my face. All I can do is let my jaw hang wide open.
“Junior.” Cody gasps, covering her mouth in shock.
He does it again before I react. The second round brings a smile to my face.
“Looked like you could lighten up.” He shrugs, getting me for a third time.
“Stop.” I laugh, wiping the droplets of water from my face.
“Are you with us now?” He shoots up an eyebrow with his smile on full display.
I nod, and the slime scene ensues. Then I spot the contact lens solution on the table and point at it. “Did you just…”
“No, babe, it’s a bowl of water in case we need to wash our hands.”
I nod. Then the duo snaps into action, pouring the glue into a large tub. Junior measures the baking soda, pouring it into the tub.
“Okay, mix it up.” He nods to Cody. She hikes up the sleeves of her shirt and digs in.
Next in is glitter then finally the contact lens solution. Slime forms, accompanied with a high-pitch squeal from Cody. I get up from the table, pouring myself a large glass of wine. Lord knows I’ve deserved it today.
I rest back in the dining room chair, pulling my legs into a crisscross position until I’m comfortable. Garrett’s threats dull with each sip of wine and bouts of laughter from the two in front of me.
“You okay?” Cody’s sexy-as-sin lips press to my forehead. He snags my wine glass, taking a healthy sip. I don’t even try to ridicule him about mixing alcohol and meds.
“Don’t worry.” His whisper tickles the shell of my ear. “I haven’t been taking any pain meds the past few days.”
I turn my face up to him. Our lips graze each other. “What? Why?”
“I don’t need them.” He winks, stealing a quick kiss. “I had one hell of a surgeon and feel damn good.”
“Junior, look!”
And just like that, our moment is shattered and completed all at the same time.
Chapter 15
Cody
Tonight was perfect. Just a simple glimpse of what we could have. I vow to remain patient, not forcing the issue, and it’s taking every strand of self-control I possess. The roads have been drivable even though it was one hell of a snow storm and snowflakes keep flurrying down every night, but I’ve held Jessie off. He knows what is going on but has never questioned me, allowing me to live in the moment.
“Junior.”
I glance down at Cody curled up to my side as I relax back on her headboard. “Yeah, kiddo?”
“Can you read it again?” her sleepy voice asks.
“Yeah, but you need to let your mom tuck you in.”
Their bedtime ritual is something that, no matter how damn selfish I want to be, I will ever interrupt or take over.
“Hand me Daddy.” She perches up on her elbows, digging hard into my ribs. I wince and hand her the picture.
I let her talk to her dad, thanking the man in the photograph for everything he’s given me. Cody might not be mine or will be in my life forever, but these few weeks I’ve spent with her are something that can never be replaced or bought with money.
“Okay, here.” She hands me the photo. “Can you read The Story of Ferdinand again? I really love him.”
“Yeah, sweetie.” I open the book to the first page again.
This was my favorite book growing up, too. My parents didn’t read it to me. My nanny did. But I related to him and vowed never to give up. I have no doubt that similar thoughts race through Cody’s head.
Bertie peeks her head in the door. I nod to her and pat the other side of me. She curls up behind me, reaching her hand out to grab her daughter’s across my stomach. The two beauties snuggle in as I begin reading the book. I’m not too far in when light snores fill the air.
“She’s out,” Bertie whispers.
I peer down at the sweet girl who has her cheek pressed into my chest. “That she is.”
I manage to wiggle my way out from between the two of them, the hardest thing I’ve had to do. Damn sure didn’t want to leave their warmth. I’d sleep in that same spot for the rest of my days and be damn eternally happy.
I force myself to pad out of the room and go for a hot shower, turning the handle straight to hot. I relish in the feeling of the piercing sensation on my skin, knowing the call I need to make. It will be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But Nell is right. This is Bertie’s life, and it’s time she chooses what she wants. I walked out last time, forcing her and our hands—not this time.
After drying off, the house is silent. There’s a dull glow coming from Bertie’s room. I know if I go to her, all my self-determination will erupt in my face. I can’t go to her. With that pinch of reality, I fall back on the bed. My stirring desire for the woman who owns me comes to life in my boxers. I ignore it. Nothing will do unless it’s her.
When I’m about to doze off, a rustling catches my attention. I roll over to face the door. Just a slice of light from the moon shining throu
gh the blinds gifts me the vision of Bertie raising her shirt over her head. I don’t say a thing and do my best not to move. This is her power play, and I’ll let her have it.
The bed dips, then her warm flesh presses against mine. One arm rests on my side while the other hand palms my cheek. No words are exchanged as we lie there in silence staring at one another. I’m shocked how the lack of words are more intoxicating than any shot of whiskey. I don’t move, only letting her touch me, and I won’t be the first to say a word.
It seems Bertie isn’t going to be, either. She rolls her naked body on top of mine, pressing my back into the bed, dropping her forehead to my chest. Wet, tender lips kiss up and down my chest, her nails dragging along my sides. I give her my body, letting her take it all. It’s hers, after all.
I don’t move, getting lost in her touch, scent, and sensation. It’s everything. I never want it to end.
“Cody,” she moves her lips in a whisper against mine, “I need you.”
“I’m yours. Take me.” I finally move, brushing her long locks from her shoulder and cupping her cheek.
And she takes it all, driving each movement. My boxers are tugged down until they fall on the floor. Bertie settles above me, her nails digging into my chest as she takes every part of me. My hands remain on her hips, digging into her flesh. I bite down on my bottom lip, the piercing pain holding my release at bay. I’m able to concentrate on the beauty riding me until she breaks to pieces, gripping me as her anchor. It’s then I allow myself to lose myself in her.
She collapses on my body, not moving to get off me. My large hand moves her hair to the side, then I roam my palm up and down her perfect, creamy skin until her breathing begins to even out. Her voice startles me when I thought she was about to give in to slumber.
“I love you, Cody. I always have. You brought me to life, and it seems you still have that power. I so, so, love you with everything I have.”
I lean up, placing a kiss to her forehead. “I love you, too, Bertie. I always have since the day you entered that classroom and will never stop.”
With that, she’s out, relaxed on top of me. I tug the blankets up, covering the tops of her shoulders and relishing in her warmth. Then I reach over and grab my cellphone, punching out the hardest words I’ve ever had to send.
Me: Jessie, whenever you and Max are ready.
My phone screen lights up, alerting me to a text. Thank shit, I put it on silent. I’ve found out Cody is a light sleeper on some nights and then passes out like a drunk on others. There’s no rhyme or reason as to when she decides she can’t sleep in the middle of the night. So, to play it safe, I’ve kept my phone on silent during the night.
Jessie: Right on, man. We’ll be up there on Thursday around 4 PM.
That’s two days away—too much time for me to remain firm in my decision. I know I can’t wait that long.
Me: How about tomorrow?
Jessie: Someone eager to get home?
Me: Nah, just need to get back to work is all.
Jessie: Yeah, I’ll make it work.
Me: See you then, dickhead. Thanks.
The bubbles at the bottom of the screen let me know he’s typing back a response. It doesn’t stop me from placing it face down on the nightstand.
“Ball’s in your court, baby. I hope I’m enough that you choose me,” I whisper into the top of her head. “Because God knows I’ll cherish you the rest of my life, whether it be here or back near Boone where I live now. All that matters is that you and that precious little girl are in my life.”
My eyes grow heavy with no need for whiskey or any other substance. The woman in my arms is all I need. Will ever need. But did I just lay down my own death sentence?
***
Bertie
“Play it again,” Cody’s sweet, giggly voice echoes across the room.
I feel around the bed, coming up with the conclusion that I’m here all by myself.
“Dude, you’ve listened to that song twenty times now.”
“I love Brantley Gilbert.”
“You’ve heard one song.”
“Play it.”
“Fine,” comes a grumble.
“Are you sure you have to go home?” my daughter asks. I can imagine the two of them, picture the two of them with coloring books propped between them, yellow markers spread out everywhere accompanied with bedhead.
“Yeah, squirt. It’s time.”
“But you promise to visit me three times a month and do that FaceTime thing?”
“I thought it was two times a month?”
“You said three. I double swear pinky promise. I don’t lie.”
Cody’s rumble of laughter fills the air. “Okay, three visits a month plus FaceTime calls.”
“Look, I remember how to do them.” There’s a slight pause. “Why did someone send you this picture?”
Cody’s gruff cough then the sound of scrambling gains my full attention. I tip-toe to peer in the room just in time to see Cody get his phone back and my girl staring at him with questions in her eyes.
“Uh…my friend Brady sent it to me.” That’s all he has to offer.
“He’s very bad. That’s really bad, Junior.”
“Yes, it is. I’m going to kick his… Nevermind, he needs to learn some things.”
Cody plucks the phone from his hand. “So, it’s this button then this one.”
“Yeah.” He nods.
“Let’s go wake up Mom, to make sure she has your number.” She hops from the bed. “It’s about school time anyway.” My little girl waves me off.
I take several big steps back, brushing my hair back as if I was about to come out of my room to wake her up.
“Oh good, Mom.” She races up to me. “Cody has to go home today, but we are still gonna be bestest friends.”
She proceeds to tell me everything I already overhead. I scoop up my girl and hug the hell out of her while wanting to cry into her soft golden hair. I don’t remain strong in my own fight. Cody rounds the corner, and the moment we make eye contact, he doesn’t have to tell me he’s leaving. I can read it in his sorrowful expression and in the grief dancing in his eyes. We are only half a chapter from our ending.
It’s a trial getting Cody dressed and on the bus. She remained glued to her hero’s side, continuing to ask him over and over if their promise was still good. I know she has no idea what is about to happen. There’s no way she could possibly sink it all in at her age. Hell, I can’t even digest all of it.
Little Cody and Scotty play on the floor while I fill up my traveling coffee mug for the road. Typically, I’m scavenging for hot coffee, and most of the time it’s cold and tastes like shit at the hospital. I’ve grown used to having a hot pot ready for me courtesy of him. Jesus, every thought and everything I do involves him. Always has.
“Going into work today?” Cody leans back on the counter, crossing his arms over his chest, laying down a clear-cut boundary.
The lie slices my mouth wide open. “Yeah, just for a few hours.”
I don’t know how to put my thumb on it, but I can tell he knows I’m full of shit. I have another meeting with my lawyer and hoping like hell a few nurses show up as well. I had no idea how dark Garrett was until yesterday when a few came forward, not to mention his texts and call.
“Bertie.” His features relax. “Do you need anything from me?”
It’s not the first time he’s asked this in a roundabout way, and it’s not lost upon me he’s prying for more or at the least a morsel of information.
“I don’t know.” I shake my head, staring down at my shoes. I hear his large feet making their way in my direction and still don’t have the courage to glance up. I’m a coward. It’s so ironic. I spent years hating him for being the same thing and yet here I stand.
“Bertie.” He cups my jaw, urging me to look up at him. His other hand tangles in my hair, tilting my head. “Talk to me.”
“I’m lost,” I whisper.
“Let
me help you.” He drops his forehead to mine. “Please.”
“I can’t.”
I feel his body holding me tense, then he snarls at me. “Why?”
“Because,” I let out a huff of frustration, “I don’t know what in the hell I’m doing.”
“Let me help you. I’m yours and you are mine.” He presses his lips to mine not kissing me, but kissing me all at the same time. “I’m here, and it doesn’t matter if it’s here, there, or anywhere.”
We both erupt in laughter at the same time. He shakes his head.
“Damn, I sound like Dr. Seuss these days.”
“That you do.” This time I press my lips to his, stealing a kiss I need to power me on. Cody Sterling may not know nor have the patience for it, but one way or the other, I’ll make my way back to him.
“Mom, we need to go!” A sweet voice interrupts our moment, followed by devil dog’s yipping, screeching barks.
“Just a second,” I holler over my shoulder then look right in Cody’s eyes. “I’ve felt love like this one other time, and it’s for my girl out there. Please trust me.”
He nods, swallowing down a retort. I know it’s taking every ounce of self-control he possesses not to give me what’s on his mind. I never thought coming full circle would be so damn brutal.
“I will. Trust me.”
I seal one final kiss to his lips, knowing he’ll be long gone by the time I make it back home. The day ahead of me is daunting and may just be my undoing.
He tugs me closer, tucking my head into his chest and squeezing me with all he has. I melt into him as if he is warmth and I’m freezing.
“Don’t let me go, Bertie.” He kisses the top of my head. “I’m going to walk away because that’s what I should do.”
“This isn’t goodbye,” I murmur into his chest, inhaling his scent. It’s one I could smell the rest of my days.
“Mom! I have to get there for my breakfast learning!”