He thinks about how to tell her, how to describe the past couple of months.
‘I’ve been … in a bit of a hole. If I can describe it like that. It’s like I’ve been – stuck.’
She looks at him. ‘I know what that feels like,’ she says at last.
‘I just couldn’t get out of it. I thought anything I did would make it worse. I want you to be happy, more than anything, but I didn’t see a way I could make you happy. Not the way you deserve.’
‘Fraser,’ she says, ‘the only place I’ve been really happy my whole life was that island. And that was because you were there.’
She makes a move then – slides one hand around his waist and then the other and he puts his arms around her and holds her tightly, kisses the top of her head.
‘I’ve missed you,’ he murmurs.
‘My room’s a tip,’ she says, into his shirt, ‘but you’ll have to put up with it. Come on.’
He follows her dumbly up the narrow stairs and into her room, which is a mess of unmade bed, scattered clothes, make-up, hairdryer, books – a crazy jumble of colours and fabrics. The room smells of her. It’s all he can do not to stand and inhale.
‘I don’t care where we go,’ she says. ‘Personally, if I have a choice in the matter, I’d really like to go back to the island, you and me. Lefty will probably want to stay here, with Mum, fuck knows why but they’re just best pals now, so we don’t need to worry about him. So you don’t need to resign. I know you don’t really want to, do you? And maybe I can help Julia out next season – I mean, I won’t have an official job, and I’m sure you’d need to clear it with head office, but—’
‘I don’t think Julia’s going to stay,’ he says.
‘Oh,’ she says, ‘really? Why not?’
‘She’s seen a job in Orkney. Better lichens. And no bad-tempered nature wardens.’
There is a little pause. ‘Maybe I could come back, then,’ she says. ‘If you want me, that is.’
For the first time he can hear the crack in her voice as the emotion finally gets to her.
‘Of course,’ he says. ‘Of course I want you. That’s why I’m here.’
‘Because this would be an actual relationship I’m talking about.’
‘I know.’
‘A permanent one,’ she says, her hand over her tummy. ‘And there’s two of us now. So it’s not just me.’
‘Absolutely,’ he says.
He’s thinking of the island, wind-blown, stormy, dark; of Rachel with her hair flying, with a baby, with a toddler, with a child. He thinks of Bess and the loch and the cottages, and the birds soaring overhead, and the light scouring the blackness every night, the whales out there, swimming past in their pods, the grey seals giving birth to their pups on the beach and on the north shore.
He thinks of the yacht breaking up and that moment his soul split in two because he thought she was going to die, and how he knew it then, knew exactly, that he loved her and would absolutely die without her.
And it’s taken him all this time to get to the point where he can tell her the truth about how he feels.
‘Let’s go back,’ she says, holding out her hand.
He cups her face in his hands and kisses her, gently at first and then hard and deep, and he thinks, so this is what it feels like. So this is it.
And his heart soars.
Author’s Note
The Isle of Must does not exist. Parts of it might bear a passing resemblance to the Isle of May, which does exist, but readers should bear in mind crucial differences and, most importantly, don’t try going out to look for it.
Acknowledgements
Thank you to Candida Lacey, publisher, editor and friend, for unfaltering encouragement and inspiration, and for allowing me the creative space in which I can experiment and grow. Very few authors are this fortunate!
Thank you to everyone at Myriad Editions who made this book better: to Linda McQueen for copy-editing, Dawn Sackett for proofreading, and Leah Jacobs-Gordon for the gorgeous cover design. Thank you to my extraordinarily talented friend, Jo Hinton-Malivoire, for her beautiful map at the beginning of this book.
Thank you to my agent, Annette Green, for always being so patient and encouraging, and to Louisa Pritchard for her hard work on rights sales. Thank you to the brilliant sales team at Turnaround for getting my books on to shelves, and thank you to the lovely booksellers and librarians everywhere who do such an amazing job bringing books and readers together.
Special thanks to Joyce (former librarian and bookseller) at the Old Bank Bookshop in Wigtown, who, in response to my vague Twitter request for ‘anything on Scottish seabirds’, found me a copy of One Man’s Island by Keith Brockie, which proved fundamental to my research. Thank you, Joyce!
My inspiration for You, Me & The Sea came from my obsession with the fanfiction site Archive of Our Own (AO3) and two fics in particular: Rock Out On The Sea by Aurora0331 and Rebound (part of the Potential series) by swimmingfox. My love and best wishes to the SanSan community on AO3 – you are all brilliant and amazing. Thank you.
Inspiration also came from The Outrun by Amy Liptrot (and thank you to Abi Hiscock for recommending it), Swansong by Kerry Andrew, and the incredible The Evolution of a Girl by L.E. Bowman. Thank you to Lauren Bowman for generously allowing me to use a verse from this book as the epigraph. I recommend all three of these books wholeheartedly.
Thank you to David Steel, reserve manager on the Isle of May, for patiently answering my questions about seabirds and island life. He and Bex Outram do fantastic work in taking care of the wildlife and welcoming visitors to the island, as well as keeping up an entertaining and informative blog.
Thank you to Carolyn Cowan, for introducing me to the Isle of May, and to Rosalind Wallace and Janet Emerson for putting us in touch. Janet accompanied me on a memorable research visit to May and I’m very grateful to her for that.
Thank you to Lisa Cutts, Holly Ainley and Nike Lawal, who all allowed me to discuss aspects of the book with them, and thereby helped to resolve crucial issues with the plot. Your encouragement and support has been incredibly valuable to me.
My good friends Samantha Bowles, Moira Tibeau, Linda Weeks, Vicky Allen, Denise West and Lindsay Brown all read various drafts of the story and were instrumental in shaping it thereafter. Linda also kindly loaned me her copy of Munro’s Scottish Lighthouses, which was most useful. Thank you all for your kindness and your forbearance. I hope you like how it turned out.
Thank you to Donna and Erin Batty for explaining how a quad bike works; to @biggestbossfan (ponyboy) on Twitter for giving me the phrase ‘a face that missed a sneeze’; to Susan Nicholson for sharing her experiences working for Nando’s (sounds brilliant); to Janice Maciver for last-minute procedural assistance; to my husband David for explaining how lifeboat rescues happen, why modern helicopters don’t like hovering, and how marine radios function; and thank you to Erin Kelly, Julia Crouch and Lisa Jewell for their panel event ‘And the next twist is…’ at Noirwich on 14 September 2019, without which Lefty would never have existed.
Thank you to my dear friend the Rev. Rachael Dines for generously sharing her experiences of altruistic kidney donation. Around a hundred incredible people donate a kidney to a stranger every year, saving lives and dramatically transforming the lives of seriously ill patients and their families. You can find out more about it at GiveAKidney.org. My thanks and best wishes, too, to the members of the Living Donor Facebook group.
Thank you to Natalie Sutherland, brilliant librarian and friend, for both giving me Lefty’s name and allowing me to use her own surname for Fraser. Thank you to Ellie Griffiths for allowing me to use her name, and to our lovely mutual friend Karen (EHO extraordinaire) for advice on food safety procedures. Lindsay, Mike, Karen, Helen, Eugene, Susie, Dec, Cristina and Enrique are also all real people, and it’s entirely possible that they might enjoy a birding holiday on the Isle of Must, if it existed.
ALSO BY ELIZABETH HAYNES
The Murder of
Harriet Monckton
A delicious Victorian crime novel based on a true story that shocked and fascinated the nation.
On 7th November 1843, Harriet Monckton, 23 years old and a woman of respectable parentage and religious habits, is found murdered in the privy behind the chapel she regularly attended in Bromley, Kent. The community is appalled by her death, apparently as a result of swallowing a fatal dose of prussic acid, and even more so when the surgeon reports that Harriet was around six months pregnant.
Drawing on the coroner’s reports and witness testimonies, Elizabeth Haynes builds a compelling picture of Harriet’s final hours through the eyes of those closest to her and the last people to see her alive. Her fellow teacher and companion, her would-be fiancé, her seducer, her former lover – all are suspects; each has a reason to want her dead.
‘This novel will keep you completely hooked and stealing a page at every minute.’
– Hello magazine
‘An expertly crafted slow-burn of a novel, immersing you in the double standards of Victorian Bromley… Perfect sofa fodder for an empty weekend.’
– The Pool
‘What a tour de force! I’m blown away. Elizabeth Haynes completely transported me to that time and place. I also found the novel incredibly moving and I’m so glad to know Harriet’s story. The novel is an absolute triumph.’
– Elly Griffiths
MORE FICTION FROM MYRIAD
A More Perfect Union
by Tammye Huf
Set in 1840s America and based on the true story of the author’s great-great-grandparents – Henry, a travel ling Irish blacksmith, and Sarah, a plantation slave – this epic tale of a forbidden relationship is a tense, compelling and heart-warming depiction of love and courage, desperation and determination.
Pondweed
by Lisa Blower
A love story in the slow lane about loss and getting lost – two childhood sweethearts take a trip via pints, ponds and pitstops to find their future on a road less travelled from Stoke-on-Trent to Wales. ‘Funny, moving, philosophical and wise. Utterly charming and utterly hilarious.’ – Emma Jane Unsworth
Noon in Paris, Eight in Chicago
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Chicago, 1947: on a freezing February night, France’s feminist icon Simone de Beauvoir calls up radical resident novelist Nelson Algren, asking him to show her around. After a whirlwind tour of dive bars, cabarets and the police lockup, a passion is sparked that will last for the next two decades.
Belonging
by Umi Sinha
Lila Langdon is just twelve years old when her mother unveils her father’s surprise birthday present – a tragedy that ends her childhood in India and precipitates a new life in Sussex with her great-aunt Wilhelmina. An intense, compelling and finely wrought epic of love, loss and homeland.
Dark Aemilia
by Sally O’Reilly
The orphaned daughter of a Venetian musician, Aemilia Bassano grows up in the court of Elizabeth I, becoming the Queen’s favourite for her beauty, sharp mind and quick tongue. But her position is precarious; when she falls in love with court playwright William Shakespeare, her fortunes change irrevocably.
The Longest Fight
by Emily Bullock
Scarred by his childhood and haunted by the tragic fate of his first love, boxing manager Jack Munday is hungry for change. So when hope appears in the form of Frank, a young boxer with a winning prospect, and Georgie, a new girl who can match him step for step, Jack seizes his chance for a better future.
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About the Author
Elizabeth Haynes is a former police intelligence analyst. Her first novel, Into the Darkest Corner, has been published in 37 countries. It was Amazon’s Best Book of the Year and a New York Times bestseller. She has written a further three psychological thrillers – Revenge of the Tide, Human Remains and Never Alone – two novels in the DCI Louisa Smith series – Under a Silent Moon and Behind Closed Doors – and a historical thriller, The Murder of Harriet Monckton.
Also by Elizabeth Haynes
Into the Darkest Corner
Revenge of the Tide
Human Remains
Under a Silent Moon
Behind Closed Doors
Never Alone
The Murder of Harriet Monckton
Copyright
First published in 2021 by
Myriad Editions
www.myriadeditions.com
Myriad Editions
An imprint of New Internationalist Publications
The Old Music Hall, 106–108 Cowley Rd,
Oxford OX4 1JE
Copyright © Elizabeth Haynes 2021
The moral right of the author has been asserted
Poem © L.E. Bowman, reproduced by
kind permission of Black Castle Media Group
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN (paperback): 978–1–912408–75–7
ISBN (ebook): 978–1–912408–76–4
Map of the Isle of Must by Jo Hinton Malivoire
Designed and typeset in Stempel Garamond
by WatchWord Editorial Services
You, Me & the Sea Page 41