‘I love to play, Air. Just play. I don’t want all the other stuff that comes with it.’
‘But you’ve worked so hard.’
‘Yeah. Because I thought it was what people wanted.’
‘What people wanted?’
‘Mom and Dad. You. Blake.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘Everyone in this family has to be so goddamn special.’
‘You’re special.’
‘Not like you. Not like Blake. I don’t want to go and find lost planets in outer space. I don’t want to be an international celebrity, like Blake. I don’t want to be a famous lawyer and negotiate international peace deals like Mom. Or even be this ground-breaking academic like Dad. I want to have a normal life, Air. I want to be a wife and a mom. I want to stop having to compare myself to you guys or be judged because I’m not doing something to change the world.’ Her words tumble over each other. I can hear her voice thickening and by the end she’s sniffing and gulping.
‘Oh Jude—’
‘So, it’s not going to work.’ Her voice is trembling. ‘You and Blake trying to sabotage my wedding. I’m still going ahead with it. I’m not changing my mind. Because it’s what I want, Air. It’s the one thing that makes me happy and you can’t take that away.’
My body is shaking. I’m struggling to take it in. All these things Jude’s been feeling about us. And how she’s right. We haven’t understood. And we have judged her. And all that stuff I’ve been saying to Christopher about how being him is enough – how leading a big life isn’t about doing big, showy things, that he doesn’t need to live up to this big ideal his father has for him – was totally hypocritical. Because I’ve been doing the same to Jude.
When Jude first told us she was engaged, Blake and I gave Mom a really hard time for going along with it when she was the one who was always pushing us to fulfil our potential and to make the most of our talents. She’d just said, I think Jude’s made the right decision. So, she understood Jude. That’s why she’s gone all out for this wedding. That’s why she didn’t give her a hard time when she didn’t take up any of those amazing offers after Julliard. She got her more than we ever did.
‘I’m sorry, Jude. I know that I’ve got loads to make up to you. But you have to believe me, Blake and I were planning to be in Nashville on Saturday – well ahead of all the wedding stuff. We love you. We were going to be there for you. We’d never let you down.’
She goes quiet again. Then she says, ‘So why aren’t you here?’
I look up at the inky sky, trying to find the words to explain, words that won’t make my only sister, who’s getting married in a few hours, feel even worse.
‘We’re on our way. We’ll be with you soon – ready to watch our amazing big sis walk down the aisle.’
I hear the door to the motel room open behind me. Christopher comes to sit beside me and then he realises I’m on the phone and holds up his hands and mouths: ‘Sorry.’
‘It’s okay,’ I mouth back and pat the space beside me.
I could do with his company right now.
He sits down. Leda follows him out and sits beside him, his warm body between us.
‘It’s my fault,’ Jude says after a while.
‘What?’
‘That day, in the apartment – after the suit fitting. I told Blake not to bother coming to the wedding.’
Blake and Jude have had so many arguments that they all kind of blend into one. But it comes back to me now, a couple of days before Blake left for London, before my internship. How Jude dragged Blake out for his suit fitting. And how it all ended in a horrible argument.
I was with Dad in his study – he was preparing a lecture on Persephone, his other favourite Greek goddess, for the fall, and I was reading up on black holes so I’d be up to speed with the other interns at the Air and Space Museum. When we heard the front door slam shut and raised voices in the hallway, Dad and I looked up at each other: we knew this wasn’t going to be good.
Jude had dragged Blake out to have him fitted for the morning suit and the top hat she wanted him to wear for the wedding. Proper, old-fashioned hat and tails. The works. He’d avoided her for weeks and this was the last day they could measure him up before he left for London.
‘You didn’t even let her measure you properly – if it doesn’t fit right, you’re going to look ridiculous.’ Jude’s voice out in the hall.
‘I’m going to look ridiculous anyway,’ Blake threw back.
‘It’s a traditional wedding suit – it’s smart. It’s what guys wear – Dad’s wearing it and Stephen, and Stephen’s dad, and his brother, and his best man—’
‘So why do you need me to wear one as well? Looks like all the other guys have got it covered.’
‘Seriously, Blake? You’re my brother. Everyone’s going to wonder why you’re the one guy in my family who’s wearing ripped jeans to my wedding.’
‘Everyone knows I wear jeans. They’ll hardly be surprised, Jude.’
‘God you’re arrogant. For once in your goddamn life could you get your head around the fact that not everything is about you, Blake?’ Jude’s eyes were welling up.
Dad and I exchanged another look. This definitely wasn’t going well.
Jude and Blake had been arguing about the suit thing for weeks. They’d been arguing about loads of things that Blake had been asked to do to fit in with the wedding. But I’d talked to him. Told him that this was important. That it mattered to Jude – really mattered.
‘You’re my brother, Blake – people are going to be expecting you to wear what the other guys are wearing.’
‘Oh, you should have told me – people are expecting me to look like an idiot. Why then, that makes everything fine.’
I hear Jude throwing her handbag and keys into the bottom of the hallway closet.
‘You’re going to ruin my wedding.’ Her voice was tearful.
I put my notes down and got up off the chair. Dad came out from behind his desk.
‘So why don’t I just not show up – wouldn’t that be easier?’
‘Well, maybe it would,’ she threw back. ‘If it’s all such a hassle, don’t bother coming.’
When I came out into the hallway, Jude stood there, facing Blake, hands on her hips, her torso tilted forward, chin jutting out. Blake was propped up against an old chest, his body slouched, his hair swept over his face, inspecting a plectrum. He was acting like all this was nothing but I could tell, from how red his ears were and from the rash at the base of his throat, that he was barely holding it together.
The thing about Jude and Blake is that they totally love each other. It’s just they’ve always been in competition. Treading on each other’s toes. Jude hadn’t even started walking when Blake showed up, probably singing and strumming a guitar as he appeared from the birth canal. Suddenly she wasn’t the baby anymore. And part of her didn’t mind. There are pictures of her looking over his crib and giving him cuddles and helping Mom give him baths. Even then, she was maternal. But he totally eclipsed her. Because he was this funny, gorgeous, charming baby that everyone stopped to stare at. I don’t think anyone even noticed when she took her first step – they were too busy focusing on Blake.
And ever since they’ve been tiny, they’ve had this pattern of interacting that has become so familiar to me, Mom and Dad that we’ve accepted that it’s part of our family dynamic.
For a few weeks, Blake and Jude are fine.
Then they start getting on each other’s nerves. They sigh and roll their eyes and whisper comments under their breath. But they press down their irritation.
And then there’s a trigger. Like Blake having to wear a morning suit. And all that built-up tension explodes and they have a massive row.
Mom, Dad and I are actually quite grateful when they have the row – it clears the air, like a good thunderstorm. And afterwards, they’re back to normal for a while, kind of liking each other and getting on.
Anyway, t
his explosion had been building up for some time. People say that family dramas are heightened when there’s a wedding and that was definitely the case with Blake and Jude.
Jude started sobbing.
Blake pretended not to notice but I knew it would be getting to him.
So, Dad and I swung into action.
Dad walked over to Jude and put his arm around her and steered her into the kitchen. When the door closed behind them, I walked over to Blake.
‘You couldn’t go with it, Blake, just this once?’
He shrugs. ‘I don’t get what the big deal is.’
‘Yes, you do.’
‘You should have seen it Air, really—’
‘I have to wear a dress too, remember. Believe me, I know. But it’s going to make Jude happy. And Mom too.’
He didn’t say anything. Because he knew I was right. And because, despite it all, he loves Jude. They fight like cat and dog but they’d defend each other to the death too. Mom told me how, when Blake got into a scrape on his first day at preschool, Jude singlehandedly tackled the biggest guy in the class who was giving Blake a hard time. Climbed onto his back and started pummelling him.
‘So you’ll say sorry?’
‘I’ll wear the damned suit, Air.’
‘And the hat?’
‘Seriously?’
‘You can’t wear the suit without the hat.’
‘Okay, and the hat.’
‘And you’ll say a proper sorry – like you mean it? You know all this wedding stuff is stressing her out.’
‘Okay, I’ll say sorry.’
‘So let’s go and practise the song – before you leave for London.’
He leant back and rolled his eyes. ‘God – she’s going to want me to sing and play looking like a fucking penguin.’
‘Blake!’
‘Sorry, but it’s true.’
‘You’ll look dashingly handsome whatever you’re wearing – I’m sure that Blake Shaw can work out how to rock a morning suit.’
He looked up at me through his hair and grinned.
‘I reckon I could, you know.’
‘There you go. Now come and practise the song.’
He gave me a salute and we went off into his bedroom.
I didn’t give it much thought at the time because I’m so used to Blake and Jude knocking heads and because there’s been so much stress surrounding the wedding. But I realise now that Blake never got to say sorry to Jude: about the argument they’d had or about having been a total pain in the ass about the suit. And she never got to say sorry about having told him not to come to the wedding. And she never got to see how, after she left the apartment, he spent ages rehearsing her song because he knew that, whatever happened, no matter how much they were getting on each other’s nerves, he would never miss his big sister’s wedding. He’d agreed to the suit and we’d practised the song and there was no question that he was going to show.
‘I know how all this looks, Jude. How late we are. How we missed the family breakfast. And the rehearsal dinner. It looks really bad. And you’re totally entitled to be pissed at us. But I need you to trust me. We know that today means more to you than anything in the world. And although Blake was a total ass about the suit, he gets that too. He loves you. He totally adores you, Jude. He wants your wedding to be amazing. We all do. It’s going to be okay.’ I pause. ‘I’ll make it okay.’
She goes really quiet.
‘Jude?’
Then I hear a sniff.
‘Jude – what’s going on?’
Another sniff.
‘Jude, talk to me,’ I say gently.
‘What if all this is a sign?’ she says, her voice small.
‘A sign?’
She sniffs again. I imagine her sitting alone in her hotel room, tangled in sheets, tears dropping down her face and I get an ache in the pit of my stomach. I should be there.
‘Maybe you’re right. Maybe the wedding’s a mistake.’
‘You’ve spent the last half hour explaining to me why getting married is what you want – that it’s who you are. We’re the ones who’ve been getting it wrong. Who haven’t given you the credit for making your own decisions – the right decisions, for your life. And we’re going to make it up to you, I promise—’
‘But nothing’s right, Air.’
‘Look, Jude, you’ve just got the pre-wedding jitters. And me and Blake messing you around like this – it hasn’t helped. But you’re going to be amazing. An amazing, beautiful bride and amazing wife and the best mom ever. And I’m banking on you doing this stuff because it’s not like I’m going to give Mom and Dad any grandchildren. And I want to be the cool auntie,’ I take a breath. ‘And I can’t wait for the wedding.’ And for the first time, I mean it. I really mean it. I want to be there for her, more than anything.
Christopher shifts beside me. I guess he wasn’t expecting this stuff to come out of my mouth. I wasn’t expecting this stuff to come out of my mouth.
‘Jude?’
‘Just promise me you’ll be there.’
I swallow hard. Because I know that she’s talking about me and Blake.
‘I promise. Now get some sleep. We can’t have the beautiful bride walking around with bags under her eyes.’
I hear her let out a small laugh and then she sniffs again.
‘I love you, Jude.’
‘I love you too,’ she says.
And then she hangs up.
I put my cell down beside me and let out a huge sigh. That might have been the first real conversation I’ve ever had with my sister. It feels crap: that it’s taken this long. That I’ve been totally blind to her feelings.
‘That was intense,’ Christopher says.
I nod.
My eyes well up. I tried to hold it together while I was talking to Jude but I can’t anymore. I let hot tears drop down my cheeks.
‘I’m so angry at Blake,’ I blurt out. ‘Couldn’t he have got things right, just this once?’ I clench my fists at my side, digging my nails into my palms until it hurts. ‘He’s so selfish.’
Christopher reaches out his arm. I can feel him hesitating for a second but then he puts it around my shoulders. I lean my head against his chest and we sit there, on the sidewalk outside the motel, watching the sky. It’s still dark enough to see a few stars. Sitting here with him steadies my breath and, slowly, I uncurl my fists.
‘There’s no moon,’ he says.
‘It’s waiting in the wings,’ I say.
‘Waiting in the wings?’ he asks.
‘It’s still there,’ I say. ‘Of course it’s still there. But the night before an eclipse, the moon is close to the sun – it stands between the sun and the earth. Preparing for the eclipse, I guess. It doesn’t move much on its orbit, not like it does on a normal night. So, we don’t see it.’
‘Weird.’
‘Logical, really,’ I say.
He laughs. ‘For you, I guess.’
We watch the sky lighten and the stars fade.
‘You going to be okay?’ he asks after a while.
‘I don’t know,’ I say.
I straighten my spine.
‘But I’m going to have to be, aren’t I?’
I look at him and he holds my gaze.
‘Wherever Blake is, I’m going to make sure that he doesn’t ruin Jude’s wedding. For once, I’m going to be there for Jude. She needs me today, more than anyone.’
He takes my hand and looks right into my eyes.
‘You’re amazing, you know that, don’t you, Ariadne?’
‘Ariadne?’
‘The sentence called for your full name.’
I smile.
‘Totally amazing.’
I shake my head. ‘I’ve let Jude down. And not just by failing to get Blake there or showing up on time myself. I haven’t respected who she wants to be.’
‘You’re amazing because you’ve got the balls to admit that you might have got this wrong. And because you’re p
utting her first now. Families can go a whole lifetime before doing that. Sometimes they never do.’
I think about his dad. Whether he’ll ever get the chance to understand Christopher for who he is – to really see him. And I feel a heavy weight on my chest.
‘Thanks,’ I say. ‘Thanks for being here.’
He gives me a sideways smile. ‘Thanks for not leaving me by the side of the road.’
As I think about how, in a few hours, he won’t be there anymore, how he’ll be on a bus heading to Atlanta and I’ll be heading to Nashville, I feel a hollow thud behind my ribs.
Looking at him, I realise how tired he looks. Shadows under his eyes. Even paler, if that’s possible, than the guy I saw back in the airport in DC. He hasn’t eaten properly in two days, or slept properly. And he’s been listening to all my problems without ever complaining about his, which are way, way bigger. I wonder whether it’s not just Blake who’s selfish; whether it’s me too. Whether we’ve both spent too long thinking the world revolves around us.
‘Is there any news?’ I ask. ‘About the plane?’
He adjusts his glasses and then shakes his head. ‘Just more speculation. They’re trying to work out what happened in the cockpit moments before the plane crashed.’
So, they’re still blaming his dad.
‘How are you holding up?’ I ask.
‘I’m fine,’ he says, too quickly.
‘No, you’re not,’ I say. ‘You can’t be. And you don’t need to pretend to be, not with me.’
He looks at me like he’s weighing up whether he wants to even go there.
‘You’re allowed to be scared,’ I say gently.
He shakes his head. ‘You want to hear something totally screwed up?’
‘I’m good at screwed up.’
‘Of course the stuff that’s going on with the plane and my dad is totally doing my head in. But it’s like, when I was sitting up there on the mountain, I realised how powerless I was. That it was all totally out of my control. And now, the thing I’m really scared of,’ he shakes his head. ‘It’s kind of stupid.’
‘Tell me.’
He swallows hard. ‘I’m scared of seeing my mom.’
He looks away from me and out to the road that runs past the diner.
‘What if she doesn’t want to see me,’ he says.
As Far as the Stars Page 20