But there was no recovery. No time to process what had happened. He kissed her lower, on her throat, and then his hands moved to the waistband of her shirt, pushing under it and finding the lace cups of her bra.
She was incandescent with pleasure. As he drove her to the edge, she kissed him harder and he kissed her right back. They tumbled off the edge of the world as they knew it, together. He exploded with the force of a thousand suns, their climax mutual and devastating.
And entirely inevitable, just as he’d always said.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
INSANITY HAD BROUGHT them together but it was dissipating quickly, leaving only confusion and regret in its wake. His body was heavy on hers and in another world, at another time, she would have lain beneath him all day, stroking his back, feeling him, wanting him anew.
But rage had been the catalyst for this and, with sensual heat evaporating, her rage surged afresh.
‘I can’t believe you did that.’
He pushed up on his elbows and looked at her with eyes that showed emotion—just not emotion she could make any sense of. ‘You were...that was mutual.’
Her stomach plunged. ‘I don’t mean sex. I mean the blood test.’
Relief flashed on his features briefly and he lifted himself off her, extending a hand in an offer of assistance she ignored. She stood on her own and stared down at her outfit—it was in disarray. Shooting him a fulminating glare, she straightened her skirt and tucked her shirt back in place. Her underpants were across the tennis court; she wouldn’t degrade herself by going in search of them.
He expelled a sigh. ‘My parliament requires it. We’ve discussed that. It is done now, in any event. There is no sense arguing over an event neither of us can change.’
It was as simple as that to Matthias. Simple, pragmatic, black and white. Just like their marriage. Just like everything. ‘You’re unbelievable,’ she muttered, looking towards the fairy tale palace with eyes that had started to see things as they really were. ‘I thought this marriage made some kind of sense,’ she whispered, letting her eyes close, and her heart close with them. ‘I thought I could live with it. And maybe I can.’ She could already see how addictive sleeping with Matthias would be. But it wasn’t enough. Every time would destroy her a little more. ‘But Leo shouldn’t have to. Leo... Leo deserves so much better than this.’
There was silence. A heavy silence that throbbed with anger and disbelief. When she looked at him again he’d pulled his shorts on, but his chest was bare so she saw the way it heaved in an attempt to calm his breathing. Finally, he spoke. ‘We are getting married tomorrow.’
‘But we’ll never be a family, will we?’ The words were raw, thick with emotion.
The sun sliced across him, warm and bright. ‘You will be my wife, and Leo is my son...’
‘Sure he is,’ she snapped. ‘Once you have the DNA test results.’
Matthias’s expression darkened. ‘A DNA match will make him my legal heir; it will satisfy parliament. I do not need it to know who he is. Leo is my son. That fact has never been in dispute.’ He spoke softly, perhaps attempting to soothe her, but it didn’t work. She was beyond mollification.
‘You’ll never love me,’ she said quietly. ‘Will you?’
His expression flared with something like panic and her heart shattered. Yet she held her breath and she waited and she watched and, stupidly, she hoped. Finally, he shook his head. ‘Love is not any part of this, as I have said all along.’
It hurt more than it should have. After what had just happened, she felt the rejection more keenly than anything else.
‘And it never will be?’ A glutton for punishment, apparently, she needed him to speak frankly. For him to be completely honest with her.
‘No.’
So emphatic! So certain!
‘So what just happened between us meant nothing to you?’
His square jaw tightened as he looked away from her. He was silent, and she took that silence as confirmation. It nearly tore her in half.
‘And what about Leo?’ she prompted, remembering his little bruised arm with fresh hurt. ‘You do love him, don’t you?’
The pause might as well have been an axe dropping. All her hopes crumbled in that moment. Reality was a pointed blade, one for which she had no shield.
‘He’s my son.’ There was fear in Matthias’s dark, swirling eyes. Fear and panic.
‘For God’s sake, he’s not a damned possession!’ she spat, forgetting her dislike for curse words and giving into the torrent of rage flowing through her like lava. ‘He’s not an accessory you can just put on a damned shelf! Leo is a living boy, a flesh and blood kid who doesn’t give a care about your throne and your traditions and your damned cold heart! All he wants is to have a mum and a dad to play with—parents who adore him and are proud of him, who want to spend time with him, and delight in his achievements.’
A muscle jerked in his jaw and he spoke slowly, as though his own temper was pulling at him, begging to be indulged. ‘That is not the way of royalty.’
‘Says who?’ she demanded. ‘What was your own childhood like? I don’t believe it was as cold as you are suggesting Leo’s should be.’
‘What do you know of my childhood?’ he asked, deceptively calm.
She slammed her lips together and then her anger fired up anew. ‘Nothing. But I know what mine was like. I know that my parents loved me even when they had no reason to.’ Her eyes narrowed. ‘I was given away, Matthias, by people who found it as easy to turn off their hearts as you apparently do, and I don’t much like the idea of Leo ever knowing what that feels like.’
‘Given away by whom?’ he snapped, not understanding her implication.
‘By my birth parents,’ she returned, spinning away from him, her eyes caught by the hedge that grew around the tennis court.
‘You’re adopted?’ he repeated, the words flattened of emotion.
‘Yes.’ There was defiance in her tone.
‘Why have you never mentioned this before?’
‘It didn’t come up,’ she said, and then bit down on her lower lip. ‘And because I’m... I’ve lived with this shame, Matthias.’ She whirled around to face him and pressed her fingertips between her breasts, as though she could score her way to her heart. ‘I’ve lived with the knowledge that the people who should have loved me most in this world, and wanted me, didn’t.’
A muscle jerked in his jaw and sympathy crossed his handsome face. ‘I wish you’d told me this sooner.’
‘Why?’ she whispered. ‘What difference does it make?’
They stared at each other in silence and then he moved closer, but she stiffened because her temper couldn’t be restrained. Nor could her hurt.
‘It is a part of you,’ he said finally. ‘A part of the woman you’ve become. It has been hurting you, and I would have liked... I would have liked to talk to you about it, to help you not suffer because of a decision two people made twenty-four years ago.’
‘You make it sound like selling a house,’ she muttered, shaking her head. ‘My own parents didn’t want me.’ Her eyes were flinty when they lifted to his. ‘Imagine what that feels like, then imagine how much I don’t want Leo to ever know this pain.’
Her words lashed the air between them, and he stiffened visibly.
‘People put their children up for adoption all the time,’ he observed quietly. ‘Oftentimes, because it is best for the child. Has it never occurred to you that your birth parents felt they were doing the right thing by you?’
‘Of course it’s occurred to me.’ Her words were thick with emotion. ‘I’ve spent my whole life trying to understand why my own mother didn’t want me.’ To her chagrin, the sentence burned in her throat, emotion making the words dense and acidic. ‘I was determined I wouldn’t repeat whatever mistake my biological parents made.’ Her eyes assumed
a faraway look. ‘I always thought that when I had a family, it would be with a man I could spend the rest of my life with. A man I respected. A man who loved me too much to ever let me go. I thought that when I started a family, it would be with someone who would love my children like they were his purpose for living. Nothing less would be acceptable for me or whatever children I might have. I thought I’d fall in love and get married and I’d finally feel like... I’d finally feel like...’ She had to suck in a deep breath to stave off a sob. ‘I thought I’d feel wanted.’
The words stung the air around them, whipping through the atmosphere.
‘Deliciae—’ But what could he say? He wanted her for her son. He’d made that obvious from the moment he’d approached her.
Tears sparkled on her long lashes. ‘And then I met you and all my thoughts of saving myself for marriage went out the window. I discovered I was pregnant and had to face the reality of raising my child on my own.’ She dashed at the tears that were threatening to run down her cheeks. ‘It wasn’t what I wanted, but I figured I could still give Leo the best of everything. And he had my parents, who loved me when they had no reason to.’
Matthias was as still as a statue, watching her with fierce concentration.
‘Never would I have thought I’d be bringing my child up as a prince, the heir to a man who won’t ever give him the love he deserves. A man who doesn’t know how to love his own son.’
And now fresh tears ran down her cheeks, and Frankie didn’t check them. She returned Matthias’s gaze, her heart breaking, her soul splitting.
‘I have never lied to you,’ he said eventually, and she swept her eyes shut resignedly.
‘I know that.’ Her chest heaved. ‘I knew it was unlikely you’d ever love me and, believe me, I have grappled with that fact. I have known that, in agreeing to this, I am consigning myself to the exact fate I’ve always sworn to avoid. You, and this marriage, are everything I didn’t want for myself.’ She straightened her spine, squaring her shoulders. ‘But for Leo, to give him the father he deserves, I was prepared to put all that aside. What do my feelings matter when I can give him everything he should have?’
Matthias’s eyes drew together, his expression not shifting. ‘And what will he miss out on, living here with me? He is the Crown Prince of Tolmirós. He will want for nothing.’
‘Come on, Matthias, don’t be so obtuse. Children don’t care about things. They don’t care about power. He’s just a sweet little kid, who wants to be loved. It’s as easy as that.’
‘I will do everything in my power to care for our son, you know that. I told you I will protect him with my dying breath...’
She shivered visibly. ‘Do you think that’s enough?’
His eyes glinted and slowly he nodded. ‘It has to be. It is what I am offering.’ He moved closer, so close they were almost touching and she could see the tiny flecks of silver in his dark eyes. ‘I am what I am. I have never lied to you—I will never lie to you. I have been very careful never to make promises to you that I cannot keep.’
She bit down on her lower lip to stop it from trembling.
‘I am telling you now that I will give our son a home, a future, and we will raise him as a family, just as I have always said.’ His back was rigid, braced like steel. ‘Our relationship is a separate concern to Leo’s place here—as my son, and as my heir.’
‘It’s all the same thing,’ she denied, shaking her head.
‘No.’ He lifted a hand, curling it around her cheek, stroking his thumb over her lips. ‘You’re offended I am not claiming to be in love with you,’ he said quietly. ‘And you’re trying to hurt me by making that about Leo.’
‘No!’ she volleyed back urgently. ‘I would never use our son in that way!’
He didn’t relent. ‘I have wondered why you are so hell-bent on idealism and commitment—why would a beautiful young woman deny herself the pleasure of sex in this day and age? And now I see. It is because you are always looking for a guarantee of security, for a promise you will not be abandoned again. You thought saving yourself for marriage would be an insurance policy of permanence.’
She drew in a harsh, raw breath at his accurate appraisal.
‘You want to pick the safe option always, because you were put up for adoption and you want to make sure nothing like that will ever happen to you again.’
She opened her mouth to deny it, but the words were locked in her throat.
‘How can you not see that marriage without love is a safer bet than one predicated on emotion? Emotions fade and change. How can you not see that what I am offering you is everything you want?’
Her eyes sparkled and her beautiful face fell. She shook her head slowly from side to side, but bravely held his gaze. ‘If you think any of this is what I want, then you know nothing about me.’
CHAPTER TWELVE
‘DO YOU THINK this marriage is what I wanted?’
‘I know it’s not,’ she conceded, and the pain in her pinched expression practically tore him in two.
‘I wish, more than anything, that you could have everything you’ve just described. I wish you could have met a man who deserves you.’ He knew, as he spoke the sentence, that it was the truth. That he wasn’t—and never had been—worthy of Frankie. ‘I wish you hadn’t met me. I wish I’d done what I knew I should have and left you alone three years ago.’ He ground his teeth together. ‘Hell, Frankie, do you think I haven’t woken up every day regretting what I require of you? Regretting the fact that I am forced to marry you even when I know it’s the last thing you want?’
‘Then why are you?’ she whispered.
‘You know the answer to that.’ His jaw was firm. ‘I cannot let Leo go. He must be raised here, by you, and as my son and heir. Neither you nor I has any say in this.’
A small sound escaped her, and he thought it might have been a sob.
‘I can’t live here with you.’ She pulled away from him, taking a step backwards.
‘You must,’ he said darkly, wondering at the way his stomach seemed to be swooping and tightening constantly. ‘Marriage is the only option open to us.’
She nodded jerkily and she stared at him with an attempt at strength and defiance that made him feel even worse. ‘I’m aware of that. I have no interest in depriving our son of a birthright he would more than likely choose for himself when he comes of age.’
Matthias tilted his head in concession, hiding the look of darkness that moved over his features.
‘When you suggested this marriage, you told me I could live at another palace.’
‘Mare Visum.’ He remembered the conversation, and the fact he had made the promise in good faith. He hadn’t cared where she might choose to live at that point. And now?
Matthias did care. He thought of her living on another island, separated from him by sea and miles, and he wanted to reject the suggestion outright.
‘Leo and I will go there after the wedding,’ she said, her voice almost completely steady, her eyes unflinching.
‘Running away?’
She let out a small sigh and when she spoke it was with an impatience that made him feel about as big as an ant. ‘I’m trying to find a way to make this work. If I was going to run away, I would have done it by now, believe me.’
Respect lifted within him, even as he warred with her words internally. To install Leo and Frankie in another palace did make perfect sense. They could spend their days happily, settling into a new lifestyle and culture, and he could continue as before. Nothing needed to change, except his country would rejoice in the knowledge of a blood heir to the throne.
It made sense. So why did he want to rail against the idea and refuse her suggestion? Why did he want to tell her he would never let his wife and child reside in a different palace to him?
The temptation to do just that terrified him, and so he nodded
brusquely before he could give vent to the words that were racing through him. ‘Fine.’ He nodded. ‘As you wish. After the wedding reception, you can be quietly moved to Mare Visum. Will this make you happy?’
For a moment her brave mask crumbled and she looked equal parts terrified and devastated. ‘I’ll make it work.’ And then her expression hardened, like flint. ‘You were right, Matthias. It turns out I’m capable of being a realist after all.’ And she turned her back on him, walking slowly and calmly off the tennis court. He watched her go and told himself this would be for the best. He watched her go and told himself this odd feeling of uneasiness would disappear, just as every other feeling always had before.
* * *
Frankie was always beautiful, but dressed as a bride, her hair styled, a tiara on her head, surrounded by flowers and well-wishers, she was as stunning as he’d ever seen her.
No, that wasn’t quite true. He closed his eyes for a moment and remembered the first moment he’d seen her, with no make-up, nothing special about her hair or clothes, but a smile that could power a space shuttle, and his gut pulled.
He remembered the way she’d looked when they’d made love that first time, when her face had glowed pink with rapture, her green eyes fevered with pleasure, and he had to bite back an audible groan.
He remembered the way she’d looked when he’d made love to her the day before, on the tennis court. So angry, so beautiful, so desperate with longing: the same longing that had carved him in two a long time ago.
But, while Frankie was beautiful now, there was a sadness in her features that cut through him.
He’d caused it. He’d caused it when he’d rejected her, just as she’d dreaded. He’d looked her in the eyes and told her he’d never really want her. He wanted their son, his heir, and she was a part of that deal.
All night it had swirled through his mind and he’d finally understood what had driven her outburst, what was at the root of all her reserve with him—she didn’t want him to hurt her. She didn’t want to care for him, to want him, to need him in any way, because she didn’t trust him not to hurt her.
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