Ten minutes later, he crossed the bridge toward Billings. Few cars were on the road. The whole world seemed to move in slow motion. He’d stopped on the sidewalk in the center of the bridge and peered over the rusting metal railing, down into the water below. He shivered in the cold breeze. Winter was on its way.
The flowing water seemed so free, a part of nature. Why wasn’t he? Why couldn’t he fit in? The water seemed to speak to him in a way he’d never heard: Come join me.
Without consciously making a decision, Ethan found himself climbing the railing and leaning over the edge in a very precarious position. Come join me, the water repeated. He sensed the words more than hearing them; his grip on the railing loosened.
Then a calm female voice spoke to him. Ethan, you’re not finished yet.
The words, which would return in moments of indecision, turned him around, panic-stricken, as he wrapped his arms around the rusty railing. Fear weakened him. He barely held himself upright. Gravity teamed with the water to pull him down. To maintain his grip seemed impossible, yet he fought back. Nearly incapacitated, he pushed hard with his legs and dragged himself back over the railing. Shaking but safe, he listened as the water rushed past below. Shock overtook his muscles as he realized, shamefully, how close he’d come to certain death. He collapsed to the cement sidewalk and wept. Deep sobs shook his body; sweat cloaked his skin.
After a few minutes of catching his breath, he got up and continued along the bridge. He walked toward Bank Street. He wanted a drink, and there’d be something open on Bank. It didn’t take long to find his way into a small club. The entrance led him to a downstairs bar, where half a dozen people were sitting around, drinking and talking. Quite thirsty, he approached the bar and stood beside a young couple who looked to be students, although he didn’t recognize them. Ethan ordered a draft and stood quietly watching. A draft appeared in front of him. At the same time, the girl beside him tapped him on the shoulder, held out her cigarette, and asked him for a light. On reflex, he checked his pockets, knowing he didn’t have a match, but liked the girl’s pretty face. It was hard not to look at her deep brown eyes. She was dressed in torn denims, a faded jean jacket, and a pair of red high-tops, and he didn’t want to stop talking to her just because he couldn’t light her cigarette. He asked if she was a student as he kept digging in his pockets.
She said she was a sophomore in dramatic arts. She was supposed to be rehearsing but wasn’t in the mood. “What are you in?” she asked, her eyes darting around his face. She was a natural beauty without makeup. Her brown hair was tied back in a loose ponytail. The red sweatshirt under her jacket was ripped just below the neckline.
Ethan couldn’t take his eyes off her. “Engineering,” he answered, passing his hand through his hair. Her brown eyes seemed to hold the light in the dimness of the bar.
“Engineering?” she said, amazed. “You must be in environmental or systems engineering.”
He smiled. “Why do you say that?”
“Because you don’t look like a jerk.”
Ethan paused and took a sip of his beer. “Is that a compliment or a shot?” He was suddenly more comfortable than he’d been in weeks.
“Probably a compliment,” she said and smiled, nodding her head, “although I’ll reserve the right to change my mind.”
Mila then introduced herself and her friend Sean, who was seated next to her. They were both from Ottawa and in the same program.
“Sean’s like a brother,” Mila said, as if needing to explain their relationship. “I keep telling him if he hangs with me, he’ll never have a girlfriend.”
Ethan wasn’t entirely sure that Sean saw things the same way that Mila described them, but he didn’t care. Her brown eyes and smile were kindling something inside him.
“So what kind of engineering?” asked Sean, speaking for the first time. “I’ve got two friends in mechanical.”
“And they’re assholes,” Mila was quick to add. “Don’t tell me you’re a gear-head too.” A smile trickled across his lips. “I knew it!” she cried, while Sean smirked beside her. “Another gear-head! Is there no justice? You seem so normal. You’re the first human I’ve met in mechanical engineering. It’s not too late to change, you know.”
It was Ethan’s turn to laugh.
Their conversation continued. They talked about movies and actors. What was hot and what was not. Mila told him of her dream to go to Hollywood and become an actress. That was the real reason she was in the drama program.
Ethan asked why she didn’t just go to Hollywood, if that was her dream.
“I’m not ready yet,” she replied matter-of-factly, as if it were obvious. “Why are you in engineering?”
“I didn’t know what else to do. I’m good at math and science.”
Ethan hated his response after hearing that she was chasing a dream. It didn’t matter, though. He just liked talking to her; she was like a friend he’d known his whole life. “I like to know how things work,” he added. He surprised himself with his next question. “Mila, do you think you’re a good actress?”
“Yes,” she replied without hesitation. Something flashed in her eyes when she said it—a raw excitement, an inner strength. “You should come and see me. Another Color Blue starts in three weeks.”
Another Color Blue was the university theater group’s stage production just before the Christmas break. He’d seen the posters but knew almost nothing about it.
Sean stood up. “Mila, I gotta get going. I’ve still got stuff to catch up on for tomorrow.” He leaned forward to give her a hug, but Mila didn’t reciprocate. There was a brief awkwardness as his arm went around her back. Ethan again sensed that Sean had different ideas about Mila’s company than she understood.
“You know, I’m in the same boat,” Mila added.
“No, Mila, it’s okay. You stay. It’s just I’ve—”
“I’m already late,” Mila interrupted. “Great to meet you, Ethan. See you around.” Then she paused. Her forehead wrinkled, as if she was confused about something. “Sean, give me a sec. I really need to pee.”
She headed to the toilet.
“You really ought to come out and see her in Another Color Blue,” Sean said abruptly. “They’ve had poor ticket sales, but that’s just the university. Mila’s incredible. She’s the show. I’ve only watched rehearsals, but she’s incredible. An alumnus wrote the play.”
“Hey, who knows?” Ethan said noncommittally. “Maybe I’ll check it out.”
An uncomfortable silence fell between them.
First impressions were difficult to break. Ethan could already see the word weirdo forming on Sean’s forehead. Each of Sean’s gestures seemed to be an effort to be cool. Tall and wiry with a constant smirk on his face, Sean sported gold rings in each earlobe. The thought that crossed Ethan’s mind was how often beautiful girls hung around goofy guys.
Sean picked up his book off the bar.
Mila rejoined them. “Okay, let’s go,” she said.
“See you around, Ethan,” Sean said without expression, staring at Mila.
“You too,” Ethan added, reaching out to shake hands. Sean had already turned toward the stairs. Ethan stepped back and bumped Mila. “Sorry,” he said.
“It’s okay,” Mila replied. “My fault. It was nice to meet you, Ethan.”
She followed Sean to the stairs. At the bottom, she paused and turned. Ethan expected a wave. Instead, she glanced his way, winked, and then hustled up the stairway.
Ethan leaned against the bar. There still were a few people around, but he decided he’d go too. Raising his glass to finish, he found a piece of paper—a note—stuck to the bottom. He realized he’d bumped into Mila because she was slipping the note under his glass.
Ethan
I’d love to talk more. Come see my rehearsal tomorrow.
You won’t be
sorry. We’re in the Aud at seven.
Mila
Chapter 2
Real Time
November 1983
Ethan hardly slept that night. Mila never left his mind. Having dozed for most of the day, he didn’t need the rest. After his physics lab on Monday afternoon, he headed to the Aud.
The Aud was the main auditorium on the university grounds, located at the far end of the campus, away from the dorms. Walking in the cold autumn air, Ethan hardly noticed its icy bite; he had one thing on his mind—Mila.
It was strange to see the main doors into the reception area of the auditorium open when he reached the building. Clusters of people were loitering at the front. He proceeded through the entrance doors and was greeted by a gust of warm air. The maintenance staff was struggling with the inside temperature. The heat in the foyer was stifling, which explained why the main doors were open on such a cold evening. Ethan slowed on entering and then headed to an open door of the auditorium.
The front floor lights of the stage were lit. A number of people were in conversation on the stage. As he walked down the aisle, a handful of people were seated, but he didn’t recognize anyone. Ten rows back, he cut in and moved to the middle. The lap of the wooden seat banged loudly as he sat down, and several people turned around, but he reacted as if nothing had happened. He leaned forward, forearms on his knees, and hunted through the faces on stage for a glimpse of Mila.
As he searched, activity started to take place. A spotlight lit up two guys on the front right side of the stage. The main lights dimmed and the auditorium went quiet. The two were talking about a beautiful girl. The spotlight faded and then lit up another actor, farther back to the left. A female, wearing a kerchief around her head, was sweeping the floor. Ethan was quick to recognize Mila, although her face was obscured by the kerchief. Her character spoke with a French accent about how happy she would be if a certain boy would ask her out. Her accented voice mesmerized him, like music to his soul. With each move, she became more beautiful, amplifying his memory of the night before at the bar. To Ethan, she was the only one on stage. In what seemed like minutes, the house lights came on again. But it was eight thirty. It didn’t seem possible he’d been sitting for so long.
Mila had enthralled him. The stage was hers, and the cast supported her. He’d never experienced anything quite like it, and he couldn’t pull away from her spell. It was rare to be in the presence of greatness, but the impact would change his life.
“Ethan, what a treat to see you!” exclaimed Mila, coming up the aisle where he was sitting. He stood up. “Are you okay?” she asked. Her hand touched his arm.
He blinked a couple of times. “Just great,” he answered, staring at her. Unexpectedly, he pulled her close and kissed her. She felt light in his arms and didn’t resist. Her lips were soft and salty from perspiring under the stage lights. He held her close for a moment. When he released her, her fellow cast members applauded. Ethan’s face flushed, having momentarily forgotten where he was and the many eyes following the star performer. Despite the attention, he was not about to trade places with anyone.
From the corner of his eye, Ethan also noticed Sean, leaving the auditorium alone.
It was Wednesday before he saw her again, and by then he’d been driven to total distraction. His ability to concentrate on his course material had disintegrated to the point of futility. His interest in anything to do with engineering had evaporated. Mila filled his head, as did—with what little space was left—the idea of acting. His fascination grew beyond simple curiosity. The bug of performing had bitten him in high school with his band. Now, after watching Mila’s performance, he could think of nothing else. Now he wanted to give it a try or—more to the point—had to give it a try. Not only that, he would get to spend more time with the one who made his heart beat faster and his knees feel weak.
On Wednesday, he met her outside McKinnon Library on campus, and before they’d said two words, they were embracing. He’d not only found a new friend but a destiny, seemingly impossible to refuse.
“Ethan, wait a minute,” Mila said, breaking their embrace. “This is crazy!”
“I know,” he agreed, a big, stupid grin lighting his face. His arm was around her back. “I’m out of control. What can I say?”
“I don’t know,” she replied, kissing his lips again.
“Come on; let’s go,” he said, lifting her knapsack onto his shoulder. He put his arm around her shoulders. “Burgers or pizza?”
“Let’s go back down to Charly’s,” she suggested, naming the place where they’d first met. “I’m in the mood for a beer. It’s been a busy day.”
“Sure,” he replied. “It’s on me.”
“I’ve no problem with that.”
Her head pressed against his chest as they walked on the sidewalk that edged the canal toward Bank Street. She fit comfortably right by his side. He held her close. His hand slid down from her shoulder to her slim back, her woolen winter jacket soft beneath his fingers. There was a good breeze blowing the cold November air across campus, but they didn’t notice, nuzzled as they were in each other’s warmth. The wind blew her brown hair into his face, tickling his nose and cheeks. It was heaven.
Approaching the bridge, a chill ran through him as he saw himself leaned out over the icy water. How close had he come? It seemed crazy how unpredictable life could be.
“What is it, Ethan?” Mila asked as they walked across the bridge. She must have sensed something as he thought about it.
“Thought I forgot my wallet for a second,” he lied, touching his pocket, embarrassed by the images in his head. “No worries.”
A lot had changed since that evening. An angel had touched him and spared him certain tragedy, like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life. He didn’t dare look over the railing. Mila’s closeness comforted him.
“When did you start acting?” he asked when they reached the other side. Her arm moved across his back. He felt her fingers on his ribcage. Life was grand.
“My parents got me started when I was eight,” she replied, looking up into his eyes. “Local theater stuff. I loved it. They couldn’t keep me away. They didn’t push, though; I just wanted to do it. I love getting lost in someone else.”
They stopped to cross the street. Traffic was heavy at this time in the afternoon, with commuters returning home to their families. For an instant, Ethan saw a scene of Mila and him having a family. He smiled. Slow down, big boy. Don’t scare her off.
Mila continued as they reached the other side. “What I didn’t like were all the kids who were there on account of their parents. Most were like that. I didn’t understand but felt sorry for them.” She paused for a moment, reflecting on the memory and then went on. “It quickly became my dream. I’ve pursued it ever since.”
“You’ve been given an incredible gift, you know,” Ethan added.
“Thanks. I’m grateful for it every day.”
When they reached Charly’s, Ethan opened the door and followed her in. Downstairs, they squeezed into a spot at the bar and ordered.
“Have you ever tried acting?” she shouted to him above the din of the crowd.
“Almost every day,” Ethan laughed. “I need to, just to get through the day. My skin’s too thin.” In trying to be funny, he wondered where his answer came from. Upon seeing Mila’s wrinkled forehead, he realized that she wondered too. “I just mean … you’re chasing a dream and I’m not.”
The bartender slid two glasses of beer in front of them. Ethan placed a five on the bar.
“You know what?” Mila shouted again. “Let’s drink these and go. It’s too loud in here.”
Ethan leaned his head back and swallowed half his glass in one gulp. He smiled and razzed her with his eyes.
They left and headed to The Kitchen, a greasy spoon Ethan had been to a few times. It wasn’t far and was on the w
ay back to campus. They each ordered the student special—a burger, fries, and a bottomless glass of soda for three bucks. They sat across from one another in a booth with a chipped wood-veneer tabletop and cracked green-vinyl upholstery. What it lacked in décor, it made up for in character, even down to the bride and groom salt and pepper shakers. It wasn’t luxury, but the price was right and the food was good. Neither of them was interested in the surroundings anyway. They wanted to talk.
“So no acting and no dream,” Mila said, bringing them back to what they’d started at Charly’s.
“I took drama in high school,” Ethan began. “It was my best mark. The teacher really liked me. But nothing came of it. I was very serious about my band and being a musician.” He explained his love of music and performing live.
“Wow. Why the hell did you pick engineering?” she asked, amazed by his story. “Sounds pretty messed up.”
“Life is a paradox, isn’t it?”
“I’m serious, Ethan.” She leaned over the table. “You only get to go through this once, you know. You got to make it count.”
Ethan didn’t know how to respond. Mila was serious. He’d blocked out most of his previous self to focus on engineering. It was like she knew what she was chipping away at. “Mila,” Ethan said, taking her hand and remembering her transformation at the rehearsal, “can we talk more about you? I’ve never experienced anything like what I saw the other night. Everyone in the auditorium was watching you, including those on stage. You make it all seem real.”
It was Mila’s turn to become uncomfortable. Her hands went to her lap, and the color rose in her cheeks. “Thanks, Ethan,” she said, avoiding his eyes. “That’s nice of you to say, but I can’t explain what I do. It just feels right.”
The waitress brought their Cokes in scuffed, old-fashioned Coke glasses. The phrase Coca-Cola was almost faded away. Mila took a quick sip from the end of her straw.
“Good try, but you’re not getting off that easily,” Mila added. “What about your drama class in high school? You didn’t continue ’cause someone said you were good in science, right? Fuck—that pisses me off! The sciences always win. It’s like the arts don’t matter in the real world, and it’s the only thing that’s real.”
The Actor Page 2