“I … don’t … know,” Ethan replied, his words slow and careful.
“You should call him,” she replied, squinting, as if confused by his answer.
Ethan could hardly speak. His worries disappeared like oppression lifted from his shoulders. “It’s really good to see you,” he said. “I thought you were—”
“Why did you think that?” Mila interjected before he could finish.
“I don’t know, I just …” As he searched for the right words, he dropped the box of Gravol in his hand. As he bent down to pick it up, Mila vanished.
“Can I help you, sir?” a young voice asked him from behind.
He turned, startled by the pharmacy clerk.
“No … I’m good, thanks,” he replied, moving to the next aisle. He was just quick enough to see the back of Mila’s jean jacket disappear behind the next aisle. “Wait!” he shouted. “Mila, wait!” He took another step before breaking into an anxious run.
The comfort of seeing his true love was seeping away but at least he’d talked to her. When he reached the end of the aisle, she was gone. From where he stood, he could see the front door closing but no sign of who had gone through it. But he knew.
For days, he wondered why she had returned but then left so quickly.
When he got back to the apartment, the Gravol did its thing. Even his chills went away. He didn’t mention his encounter to Beth but did resolve to give Robbie a call.
That was the first night he had the dream.
He had not told Beth about Mila up to that point. He could not speak about her. There was a hole he couldn’t go down surrounding Mila’s leaving in university. That night, however, he told Beth he’d seen Mila in the pharmacy. He went on to explain who Mila was and what she had meant to him. Something seemed to clear around him.
Beth became upset; a jealous rage ensued. She told him to stop with his nonsense. She didn’t want to hear it anymore.
He said his relationship with Mila was long over, but he knew differently. He’d been so pleased to see Mila again. To know she was alive was simply wondrous.
Hearing the familiar voice at the other end of the phone line brought back a lot of memories that Ethan had tucked away. His spirits picked up on hearing the voice of his old friend to whom he hadn’t spoken in almost four years.
“It’s been a long time, bro,” Robbie said after a few minutes of chatting. “What’s up with you?”
“Keeping pretty busy these days and keeping my options open,” Ethan replied. The words were out of his mouth before he’d even thought about them. “Work’s pretty mundane, and life could be better.”
“You still with Beth?”
“How do you know about Beth?” Ethan asked, surprised.
“Ah, heard it from someone,” Robbie replied quickly. “Don’t remember exactly. You know, friend of a friend.”
“Yeah, we moved in together about six months ago.”
“Hey, that’s great.”
“So what’s California like?”
“Unbelievable, man. You should come down.” Ethan didn’t say a word. “Nothing like a trip to sunny California to straighten you out,” Robbie teased.
“I think you’re right,” Ethan answered. “Did you have something in mind?”
“Ever think about working stateside, Ethie boy?”
“No,” Ethan answered quickly and honestly. It was a bigger move than he’d ever considered seriously. “Can’t say I have.”
“Well, why don’t you?” Robbie asked. “Might be important to your future.”
“Yeah, how so?”
“Eth, I might be able to rustle up something, if you’re interested. Our suppliers are always looking for engineers with experience, especially those who come highly recommended.”
“Really?” Ethan said, surprised by Robbie’s quick invitation. “You know … I have to do something, but California really never crossed my mind.”
“Doing any acting these days?” Robbie asked.
“No,” Ethan replied. “That was in another lifetime.” As the words left his mouth, he realized that was why Mila had suggested he contact Robbie. She wanted him to be acting.
“That’s a shame, man,” Robbie stated. “You could have made it here. You’re still the best actor I’ve ever seen. No one comes close. You made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.” Ethan didn’t say a word, but something stirred inside him. “You move down here, and the big screen will be too much to resist.”
Ethan heard the words but pushed them away; he wasn’t ready yet. “Good try, Robbie,” Ethan said, as his heart rate quickened and sparks went off in his head. “Long gone, my friend, long gone.” His words could not have been farther from the truth.
“Think about it,” Robbie added, “but it’d still be good to see you.”
Ethan was already on the what-if scenario. No more NewTec; no more snow and cold. Ethan agreed to send his CV and then hung up, shaking his head and trying to comprehend what had just happened. The idea wouldn’t let him go. Two events in the days that followed settled the decision.
Chapter 10
Ethan’s Timeline
March 1990
As if preordained, the next night was a mixture of slush and freezing rain. Beth suggested they go see a movie. Ethan couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen a movie in a theater.
He left work late and knew before he got there that Beth would be pissed. He drove directly to the theater and found Beth standing outside, smoking one of her du Maurier Special Lights.
“You just can’t be on time, can you?” she bitched.
“Sorry, Beth,” he said, genuinely apologetic. But sorry didn’t cut it with Beth—he’d abused the word too many times. “David walked in at five-thirty, wanting a test report.”
To say Beth was angry would have been an understatement; insanely pissed off was more appropriate. He knew he deserved it. Work was just an excuse. Beth did not tolerate the “doing the best I can” answer. Shaking her head, she said nothing but glared at him as he brushed the winter wetness from his head. Throwing her half-finished cigarette on the ground, she heeled the butt with her salt-stained black pump.
Her smoking didn’t bother him as much as the butts on the ground, but he knew she was making a point. Ethan paid their admission as they entered the theater in silence.
The movie, Scarface, let them both escape for a while. With a heavy storyline of the drug underworld and Pacino as the ambitious kingpin, Ethan was not disappointed with his first movie in years. Beth said she liked it too, having cooled down during the show.
It was more than just another movie for Ethan, though. It was more like a launching pad. At the midpoint of the movie, he had realized he was kidding himself to think he could exist without the movies. His dream remained an ember, still burning inside him.
It’s your time, my sweetness, he heard Mila whisper. He turned to his side, expecting to see her, but the seat was empty.
But it was a moment of pure magic. Tears rolled down his cheeks.
He could do it. He had to do it.
“You okay, Ethan?” Beth asked as they exited the rear doors of the theater into the cold, damp evening. Wet slush soaked their feet. “You looked upset.”
Beth put her arm around his back, but Ethan was miles from the theater exit, thinking of his call to Robbie. He thought of the future and the sacrifices he would have to make.
“Ethan,” Beth said, louder this time. “Where are you?”
“Just … thinking,” he replied, turning in her direction but seeing Mila again in the pharmacy.
He could do it. Heading to California seemed ludicrous in many ways, but he had a way to get there now. It had been a long time since he’d been excited about where he was going. It was clear. It was time for change.
“Did you like the movie?�
�� Beth asked. Her face was bright but somewhat anxious. Gone was the dark contempt reflected earlier.
He climbed in the driver’s side of his three-year-old blue Chevy Cavalier, thinking, Odd. For a moment, it looked green. “It was good … very good,” Ethan answered, his mind focused on where he’d put the most recent update of his CV.
“That’s all you can say?” Beth groaned. “I can’t believe it. That movie was incredible!”
Ethan wondered whether Beth would ever say that on seeing him in a major motion picture but decided not to go there. Instead, he turned right onto the westbound ramp to the 417, different from the usual route home.
“Ethan, this is not the way,” Beth said. “Where are you taking us?”
“Nowhere in particular,” he replied, pressing the accelerator to the floor. The car surged forward. “We need to talk about a few things.”
“We do?” Beth replied. “Like what?”
Ethan paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. The car was moving very fast down the highway. “Beth, what do you want?” he finally asked. It was exactly what he wanted to ask, simple and to the point.
“What do you mean?” she answered, surprised by the question.
“Simply, what do you want? If you could have anything, what would you ask for?”
“You mean like world peace or something?” she asked, screwing up her face.
“No, a little closer to home,” Ethan said. “What do you want?” He continued looking for something he was sure he wouldn’t find.
“I don’t know. What do you want?” She looked at him like he was being a goof.
“I want to go to California,” he said without hesitation. “Do you want to come?”
“Sure,” she answered, smiling. “I’ve got some vacation time to use up.”
“Not a vacation,” he said, watching her shift in her seat. “I was thinking of moving there. I want to live in California. What do you think?”
He knew her answer, but he wanted to hear her say it.
“Oh, Ethan,” she said with a pained expression on her face. “It’s so far away. My career is starting to move forward. Why California? You’ve never even been there.”
He took his foot off the pedal, slowing the car as he looked at her. In that moment, she seemed foreign to him, and he wondered if he knew her at all. “I want to be a movie star,” he stated.
Beth started to laugh. “Be serious,” she said, covering her mouth with her hands, embarrassed by her own laughter. “Ethan, you’re an engineer. Don’t be ridiculous.”
Ethan stared at the road ahead in silence. She doesn’t know a thing about what burns inside me. But I can’t blame her. I shut that part off before we met. “You asked me what I wanted,” he replied, “and I told you.”
“But Ethan, that doesn’t make any sense!” she cried, leaning forward in her seat until the shoulder strap was taut. “You’re playing with me. I’m not going to fall for it … but good try.”
Ethan took the exit ramp to head north and then turned into a “Kiss-and-Ride” parking area and stopped the car. “It’s no joke, Beth,” he said, turning to face her. “I’m going to California. You’re welcome to come, but my decision’s made.”
“Ethan, I’m not falling for this crap, so stop.”
“I called an old friend from university,” he explained. “He invited me to come visit and check it out. He said they’re always looking for good engineers.” He paused for a moment and then added, “I could make ends meet with engineering work while I try my hand at acting.”
Beth seemed quite taken aback. “Ethan, what are you talking about? Since when have you been interested in acting?”
He’d never mentioned acting, hiding it deep inside so as not to be disturbed. “I did some acting in university,” he said, watching her reaction. “I was good. But it was a tragic time, and I’ve tried to forget. I’ve blocked it for a while, yet it comes back from time to time, knock-knock- knocking. Usually, I don’t answer, but this time … well, this time I did. I don’t expect you to understand, but maybe you can forgive me.” He could see by the perplexed look on her face that his words were difficult for her to comprehend.
She leaned back in her seat, her head against the backrest. “Let’s go home. My head hurts.” A few minutes later, once they were back on the highway, he heard her mumble, “I’m not going to California.”
For all intents and purposes, that was the end for them.
Chapter 11
Ethan’s Timeline
March 1990
The next day, Ethan was sitting at his desk, reading a report from the controls group that explained their method for controlling the engine temperature. They wanted his comments before finalizing the report. It was 10 a.m.
An assembly technician from the plant floor approached his desk. Paul had been around the company for years and had an uncanny ability to get under a person’s skin by saying only a few words. “How does an engineer with all that expensive education screw up a drawing so badly?” Paul demanded, shoving the drawing in Ethan’s face.
Ethan had tolerated the man’s comments in the past, but today he had zero patience. He was enraged not only by the intrusion but by Paul’s disrespect. “What the fuck is this!” Ethan exclaimed, on his feet before Paul could utter another word. “What the hell gives you the right to come in here and throw your shit on my desk?” If Paul had been any closer, Ethan might have taken a swing at him.
Paul listened to Ethan’s outburst and then replied, “I don’t know why engineering is allowed to put out this crap. I might as well draw it myself.”
Ethan suddenly saw things more clearly than he had in months. In an instant, his decision to go to California was confirmed—it was a decision that would change his life. “Paul,” he said, demanding attention, “you’re going to get your chance to do exactly that.” Ethan stood motionless for a few seconds but then picked up the logbook and pen on his desk and glared at Paul. “I’m tired of your bullshit, Paul. I’m tired of being your fucking kindergarten teacher. Here.” He handed the book and pen to Paul. “Have a good life, but take my advice and at least get one.”
With that, he grabbed his gray jacket from the back of his chair and brushed past a flabbergasted Paul.
“Where are you going?”
Ethan turned and looked him square in the eye. “Paul, I hope I never see you again, but believe me, you won’t forget me.”
Ethan walked into their engineering conference room and closed the door. Robbie’s number was written on a Post-it note on the back of his planner. He dialed the number, realizing it was still pretty early on the West Coast. After the third ring, Robbie picked up.
“This is Robbie.”
“How you doin’ today?” Ethan asked without identifying himself. “Understand you’re lookin’ for some engineers.”
There was a pause at the other end, and then Robbie answered, “Could be true. We’re real interested in crazy Canucks right now. Know any?”
Ethan smiled. “As a matter of fact, I do. How goes it, my friend?”
“Pretty fucking excellent, if you really want to know,” Robbie replied excitedly. “But don’t tell anyone. I wouldn’t want them changing the rules.” There was a brief pause before he added, “Dreams do come true. So what’s up?”
Strange turn of phrase, Ethan thought. He leaned forward, his elbows on the conference room table in front of the speakerphone. “I’m resigning, Robbie. I’m comin’ to California.”
“No fuckin’ way!” Robbie yelled out at the other end.
“Way, dude,” Ethan burst out, “so you better find me a fuckin’ job!” He felt amazing. The weight of his responsibility at NewTec was slipping off his shoulders as each moment passed. He guessed this was how a person felt when winning the lottery. Next week’s production schedule and engineering reviews were fading fast.
A wide smile stretched across his face as freedom overcame him.
“Ethan! Ethan!” Robbie screamed at the other end. Robbie had been talking but Ethan had hardly heard. “Are you there or what?”
“Yeah, I’m here. I’m just trying to get used to how crazy this is.”
“Yeah, well, get used to it,” Robbie said. “We’ll talk soon.”
Ethan hung up and returned to his desk. He then decided to call Beth.
“I’m not coming to California,” she said after he told her he’d resigned. “I don’t know who you are anymore, Ethan, or what you’re doing.”
He wanted Beth to understand, but he couldn’t give up on his dream any longer. His vow to Mila haunted him. Hollywood—if he was to make an earnest attempt—was where he had to go. His energy now had to go into fulfilling his dream, not defending why he couldn’t.
“The weather!” Beth shouted. “That’s the best you can do?”
He wasn’t aware he’d said anything, but clearly he had, and Beth was none too happy about it.
“I’ll drive you to the airport and wave good-bye!” she cried and hung up.
Ethan looked at his desk. For a place where he’d come to work for as long as he could remember, he had remarkably few things to take with him. Inside his tan leather satchel he loaded his planner, a gold-dipped maple leaf Mila had given him for good luck, and a magazine he’d kept with a Sly Stallone interview because it ended with Mila’s favorite quote: “Become a pest to life until it gives you what you want.”
He walked out through NewTec’s reception area and stood motionless, taking a last look at the leather couch and armchairs, remembering that the hiring of the interior designer had cost more than he and Beth had spent furnishing their entire apartment. He sat down on the cushy leather couch, wondering whether he was doing the right thing or if he had lost his mind. His answer to both questions was the same: maybe.
The Actor Page 6