Sparrows & Sacrifice

by Nellie K Neves

  “Your ex, is it serious? Is there something there?”

  How could I describe Ryder?

  “We’re friends.” Then I quickly wrote, “He has a girlfriend and they’re pretty serious.”

  The reply message popped up almost instantaneously. “Not that serious if he’s still coming around your place.”

  He had a point but no, it wasn’t worth it. “Trust me, it’s over. He wants nothing to do with me.”

  His reply came in rapid succession again. “What about you? Are you done with him?”

  I’d had a similar conversation with Dallas once and the déjà vu made me feel itchy under my skin. Still, anonymity left me somewhat invincible and my honesty flowed with surprising ease.

  “I’m not sure I’ll ever be done with him, but it doesn’t matter. It’s like he told me today, I hurt him, he hurts me, and one of us has to be willing to walk away at some point. Right now I have the most scars, so I’ll quit first.”

  I didn’t wait for Sleuth28’s reply. I switched off the power on my phone and tossed it on the floor. Anonymity or not, it didn’t matter, my life was still the jumbled mess it’d always been. No amount of silly schoolgirl flirting could change that. It was time to get back to work. It was time to be a part of something bigger than myself again before the isolation I lived in suffocated me.

  Chapter 8

  When I woke up the next morning, there was already a message waiting for me on my phone from Uncle Shane.

  “Change of plans. Come to the station ASAP.”

  Honestly, as I pulled on a pair of jeans and a long sleeve top, all I could hope was that no one had died. I was there in less than ten minutes and at the chief’s door in two more.

  “Lindy, come in,” the chief called without looking up. Uncle Shane sat near the chief’s desk but his head stayed down, and he refused to look at me.

  “Oh no, who died?” I asked as I sunk into the chair closest to the door.

  Chief Saunders’ mushy face twisted into a frown until he looked like a large mouth bass. “No one died. Why would you say someone died?”

  I let my sigh slip between my lips. “Plans changed. Uncle Shane won’t look at me, so I assumed. People die around me. It’s kind of a thing these days.”

  “Oh Lindy, shut up,” Uncle Shane begged in a hushed tone he hadn’t used since I was a kid.

  The chief’s pudgy fingers pinched the bridge of his nose. I swear he let his entire body weight rest on that point as he sighed out his consternation with my rambling outburst.

  “We got the call late last night. Officer Cox has food poisoning. Apparently, he’s in the hospital. He’s going to be out for a few days, maybe more. Bad sushi or something.”

  Proper etiquette would have been first concern for my new partner’s wellbeing and then concern for the case, but I’d never been accused of being proper, or even nice for that matter.

  “What does this mean for the case?”

  He used his hands to quiet me down again. “We were going to move our timeline, though I was hesitant, until your uncle came up with a stand-in option.”

  The look of shame I’d caught on my uncle’s face suddenly made sense.

  “You didn’t,” I whispered. “Tell me you didn’t.”

  A second later, there was a knock at the door and moments later Ryder Billings’ frame filled the space next to me.

  I exploded to my feet. “No. This cannot happen. I will walk before you bring him in as my partner.”

  “You are not in charge of this precinct, Miss Johnson!” The chief’s voice bounced off his small office space.

  “This isn’t even official police business!” I yelled back. “I get to have a say in who I work with!”

  Uncle Shane tried to intercede on Ryder’s behalf. “Lindy, think about it. It’s not a bad idea. You have a rapport with Ryder. You—”

  “This was you, wasn’t it?” I snapped at my uncle. “You went meddling—”

  “Enough!” The chief’s voice trumped every other voice in the room and silence settled quickly along with the tension. He took a slow breath in and then let it out deliberately. “Because of your fragile mental state, and your medical condition, I believe it is in your best interest to work with Mr. Billings. Of course, if you want to leave the case that is your choice, but know that I have a lot of connections. I could make your future very difficult, Lindy.”

  He’d always enjoyed backing me into a corner. It shouldn’t have surprised me that he’d taken measures to make sure he had a plan B. Corner or not, I had concerns that needed to be addressed.

  Pointing back to Ryder, I said, “He can’t fight. He can’t shoot. Other than his medical training, he’s of no use to me. You’re saddling me up with a hospice nurse and I promise you, if he gets hurt, I’m holding you personally responsible.”

  Ryder turned to Uncle Shane and whispered, “That last part was almost endearing.”

  The chief ignored us all. “Your uncle has the communication plans. Leave early so you can get a good start.”

  We all turned to leave, sure that the meeting was over. Before I stepped out, he added, “Please Lindy, find my daughter.”

  He made it hard to hate him. Two bushy eyebrows arched toward each other with a padding of wrinkled flesh between. Desperation stained his features, matched by a wisp of hope. A part of me understood it. I felt it when I thought about Jackie. I knew that if I were in his shoes I’d act the same way. I nodded once, hoping he understood I couldn’t promise anything other than my best work.

  I pulled the door shut just as I overheard Uncle Shane say to Ryder, “Well, that went about how you said it would.”

  My glare probably would’ve melted ice. As close as I could tell, they’d engineered the whole thing. Maybe not the food poisoning, but as soon as the opportunity presented itself they’d been prepared to spring. My skin hummed with adrenaline and anger. I had to get away from them. Uncle Shane’s voice rang off the walls as I rushed from the precinct, but I wasn’t in the mood. Officer Cox was one thing, Ryder was an entirely different situation. How could I protect him and work at the same time?

  One of us, or both, would end up dead.

  The metal release lever on the front door clanked hard as I slammed my hands against it and outside air blew my hair back. I grabbed the length of it and pulled it to one side. It was still Cassidy’s blonde hair, at least most of it was. I had a strip of medium brown hair grown in at the top along my natural part. Eleanor would be mortified to see me with two-tone hair, like an old junker car with one rusted door.

  All of the anger drained out of me as I thought of my younger sister, and I let my body fall back against the rough walls of the precinct. Eleanor had always been the peacemaker. She was the sweet one. She was the one who had been there to guide me through the unwritten social code of the human race. I hadn’t seen her since the summer, and I had the sudden urge to drive all night until I could hug her again. She had a way of making everything okay, and nothing in my life felt okay anymore.

  The door released again and Ryder burst free, eyes scanning the parking lot, feet ready to run. His clothes were new, all designer and tailored from what I could see. His skin was tanner than normal, and I bitterly wondered if his newfound riches had afforded him a vacation to some tropical island. Of course, he would’ve taken Vanessa. The waitress.

  He searched the lot for my car, a new agility in his movements, muscles beneath the familiar Henley top that hadn’t been there before. Granted, I’d spent so much of my life wrapped up in my own problems, maybe I didn’t notice.

  As if he could sense my attention, he turned and paused as we stared at each other. He was beyond attractive, strong jaw, full lips balanced by his angular face. I’d always loved the way his ears pinched out slightly from his head. He’d let his hair grow out a bit from the Roman style he’d kept it at before. The hint of curl in the waves rebelled in the damp air. Beneath the surface of his dark brown eyes, I saw his mother’s kindness and c
oncern. He wore it better than she did, evidence of her sacrifice for him. I wanted to turn away and leave, but, even as he jogged down the stairs toward me, I couldn’t find the strength to flee.

  “Can we talk about this?” he asked before he ever made it to my side.

  “There’s nothing to talk about.”

  He stopped short of me, only three feet between us. “Are you still going?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, and that was the truth. In reality, I wasn’t sure I was ready.

  “It wasn’t my idea.”

  Ryder tried to inch closer, but I took the space back by moving away from him.

  “I’m sure it wasn’t. This has Shane written all over it.” Crossing my arms, I squinted at him in the fall sunshine. “I don’t get it. I don’t understand why you’re willing to come.”

  The shrug of his shoulders was slight, as if we were talking about something simple like a trip to the grocery store. “I need the money, I guess.”

  I groaned and spun away, trying to remember where I’d parked that morning. Ryder was rich beyond anything I could comprehend so the answer was an insult. His fingers dug in at my arm and forced me to face him again. I jerked myself free and put space between us.

  “Calm down, would you?” When I didn’t relent, he caved. “Fine. Shane brought this to me yesterday afternoon. He said he was worried that you might relapse out there, or you might do something stupid. You need a partner you can trust.”

  Trust me, Cass.

  Dallas’ voice echoed in my mind and sent shivers down my spine. Trust was something I could afford no one.

  His words caught my attention. “Wait, afternoon? Cox wasn’t admitted until late last night. How did Shane know that he was…” I stopped myself short and felt my anger bubble up again.

  “Wait, let me explain,” Ryder tried, but I was already gone, headed back for my car and out of his life.

  I turned and walked backward, the breeze pushing my hair across my face to the point that I had to capture it and hold it to one side. “Are you kidding me? You two poisoned him?”

  He was quick to correct me. “No. Nothing like that.”

  Planting my feet, I let my hair go and stood my ground. “What then, Ryder?”

  “I paid him.”

  “What?”

  His weight shifted between the balls of his feet as he tried to look anywhere but at me.

  “I paid him twice what the chief was paying. He gets a week off work, and I’m short a decent chunk of cash.” He finally looked at me. “It was worth it.”

  Memories of our would have been relationship flooded my mind. The bluffs. The card games in the hospital. The kiss before I left for the ranch. It was all there between us, so close I could almost wrap my fingers up into it and pull it back again.

  “I can’t believe you did that.” I meant it to be a scolding statement, but it came out breathy and incredulous.

  “I don’t want you to go alone,” his tone matched mine, soft and honest. “I can’t sit here waiting again.”

  I broke the lock between us and stared off at Mt. Baker. “What about your girlfriend? How’s she dealing with all this?”

  “Don’t worry about her.” The weight of his stare didn’t waver. “She’ll be fine.”

  He waited to see if I’d speak again, but I had nothing left to say.

  “Are you still going?”

  I closed my eyes and let the sun warm the parts of my face I could feel. “I’m going. Meet me at my place at six.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  It only took a moment to grab what I wanted at the supermarket, not that I knew what I was doing. But I needed control over some facet of my life, and I paid for it in the form of two boxes of hair color that were labeled “Chocolate Caramel—Medium Brown” because it looked close enough to my shade and I liked both chocolate and caramel.

  Upon arriving at my house, I went right to the bathroom and tore the box open. It was then that I saw the label on the second box actually read “Dark Chocolate—Dark Brown.” I hesitated for a moment, after all I was clueless on what it took to be a real girl, but since the box said I needed two boxes to color the full length of my hair, I decided to mix them together. Dark chocolate never hurt anyone, right?

  The thin gloves afforded me miniscule protection. I ruined my top in the process. I’m sure I got dye on my wall at some point in time, but slowly I began to see myself in the mirror as Cassidy Billings faded away.

  I hoped she’d take Dallas with her.

  I didn’t bother looking in the mirror after my shower. I was more concerned with wiping the hair dye from the myriad of surfaces I’d left it on. I brushed my hair, braided it, and ate a quick dinner of cereal before I retired to my room for the night. Out of habit, I turned on my phone and flipped through PI Net. It was stupid because I was leaving in the morning and couldn’t take a new job. I needed sleep if I was going to start backpacking for the first time the next day. Still, I browsed the listings as if I wasn’t leaving.

  As soon as my phone chimed with a message from Sleuth28, a sneaky smile spread across my face. I’d essentially hung up on him the night before and I didn’t like where we had left it.

  I read the message quickly. “You ready to go?”

  I wrote back, “I guess so. I leave pretty early.”

  Sleuth28 wrote, “Is your handsome hunk partner ready?”

  I laughed at our little joke then wrote, “He bailed on me.”

  “He’s crazy. I’d jump at the chance to work with you.”

  I stared at the sentence for a moment, struck by the way he’d phrased it. Something about the wording suggested that we knew each other. Before I could call him on it, he wrote again.

  “Are you going alone then?”

  A snarky sound pierced the air in my room and I wrote, “No, my ex-something-or-other is going with me.”

  No pause. “Is he attractive?”

  I did pause. I probably paused a little too long.

  “Maybe,” I wrote back. “If you’re into that sort of thing.”

  Sleuth28 typed, “Are you?”

  My nose scrunched up tight. I sucked my upper lip into my mouth.

  Finally I wrote back, “Maybe.”

  I swore I could hear Sleuth28 laughing in my mind, and it made me strangely happy.

  “Do you still have feelings for him?”

  I wasn’t willing to commit to that answer. “Maybe.”

  It was good enough. He wrote, “How long will you be gone?”

  I sighed and exhaled slowly before I answered, “I’m not sure. Communication will be limited as well. You won’t hear from me for a while.” I stopped and felt a little of the bravery I’d enjoyed as Cassidy. “Maybe we can meet up when I get back, have dinner or something?”

  The screen remained blank for a full minute, which felt like a lifetime. Finally, his response popped up on the screen.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  Faint traces of cuts taunted me from the back of my hand. Dallas had been careful not to cut anything that would cause me to bleed out and kept them shallow. They’d healed quickly. Sometimes I wondered if the resulting scars were only visible to me, like a bad joke, where you had to be there to get the punch line, only no one had been there but me. Either way, it left me hideous, scarred, and ruined.

  “I understand,” I finally wrote back.

  Regret was something I’d come to live with. Regret for going to St. Anthony. Regret for words said without thinking. Regret for ever giving in to a blue-eyed cowboy.

  Sleuth28 wrote, “I don’t think you’d like me, that’s all. Do you really want to?”

  A smile peeked from my lips as I wrote, “Maybe.”

  “Well,” I read his words, “I’m learning that your maybe usually means yes. We’ll see how you feel when you get back.”

  I clicked off my phone and sunk into my comforter. My life had always been a balance of light and dark, control and chaos, and as I faced the m
orning with a terrified optimism, I knew nothing had changed.

  Chapter 9

  I waited on my couch. At 5:50 a.m., Uncle Shane, our driver, arrived first. Neither one of us bothered with greetings. He knew my distaste for early mornings, and I knew he was worried about leaving me in the wilderness so fresh after my last case and recovery.

  I was shutting the door when Ryder’s black Tahoe pulled in the driveway. I’d suspected Vanessa would drop him off so that his car wouldn’t sit in my driveway. Obviously, he hadn’t wanted to burden her with the early wakeup, or possibly with the idea that he was about to spend weeks in the back country with someone like me. Ryder pulled a few things from the back of his vehicle and paused as if he was considering his choice. With a shake of his head, he slammed the back door and started for my house.

  Pulling the door open to allow him entrance, I swore his eyes appeared red as he passed but I brushed it aside. It wasn’t like I had gotten much sleep either. We were walking into a dangerous situation with very little information. Our nerves were raw and our emotions were worse.

  Uncle Shane wasted no time at all in his part of our escapade.

  “I have some things for the both of you.” Obnoxious plastic rustled in the morning stillness as Uncle Shane pulled a bag from behind the couch. To me, he handed a necklace, a simple leather cord with a golden medallion strung on the length. A small bird in flight was embossed on the metal. I recognized the creature immediately.

  “A sparrow,” I whispered, and I died a little inside.

  Uncle Shane’s teasing and bent sense of humor showed in his crooked grin. “I thought you’d appreciate the nod at your past.”

  I didn’t.

  He handed a leather cuff to Ryder, fastened with a square metal clasp at the back. Ryder said nothing, only obediently slipped the cuff over his hand and adjusted it until it fit. I was always the one to buck authority and Shane frowned when I still hadn’t slipped the necklace over my neck.

  Next, Uncle Shane passed each of us a cell phone, a cord, and a heavy rectangular paperweight. My eyebrows rose in question at my newest possessions. I’m sure I looked as pleasant as I felt.