by Bowes, K T
“Pants or babies?” Leslie demanded and Pete’s flaccid features dissolved.
“Babies,” he mumbled.
“They must do a bigger size,” Hana said. “They look like they’d fit Wiri.”
Leslie snorted. “Wiri would fill ‘em better too.”
“These were the only pair,” Pete grumbled. “I’ve been wearing them for two weeks because I don’t want Henri to steal them.” He jabbed at an unpleasant looking rash at the junction between his thighs and his nether regions. “Do you think that’s jock rot?”
“Oh, for frick’s sake!” Caleb closed his eyes in disgust and turned away. Hana swallowed down the acid which threatened to make an entrance and communicated her distress to Leslie. Pete hopped around some more and Mac giggled at the floor show. Leslie reached into a drawer behind her and seized a pair of kitchen scissors. Hana opened her mouth to stop her but the old woman possessed fast reflexes for her age. Pete wailed in horror as the cool metal touched his bare buttocks and with a snipping sound, Leslie cut the elastic. Galvanised, Pete hopped around the kitchen table with his shorts around his ankles, clutching his groin and screaming. Leslie followed, chuckling and skipping behind him, administering random snips and making the slit wider. “Off, off, off!” she cried, getting into the spirit and enjoying herself. Carried away like a bride-to-be at a strip joint, she hurled the scissors into the sink and lurched at Pete’s rear, wrenching the damage apart with her bare hands. A tearing sound filled the room and with a high pitched scream, Pete’s doughy body released the undies and Leslie raised them high above her head in victory.
“Oh, no!” Hana covered her eyes with her hand and looked away in disgust.
Pete’s voice came out of the silence with a frisson of hurt in his tone. “Henri says I’m magnificent,” he complained. “Don’t be scared, Hana.”
Hana made baulking noises in her throat like she might vomit and Leslie sniggered. “Youse just a little tiddler, man. I’ve been round Du Roses all me life and...”
“Stop!” Hana removed her hand and glared at Leslie. It gave her a full frontal view of Pete’s nudity. “Pull your shorts up!” she snapped and Pete bent from the waist, his head disappearing towards the floor.
“What the hell?” Caleb’s voice held a mixture of terror and disgust as Pete’s full moon greeted him at close range. “Don’t you show me your ass!” He took a swipe at Pete’s bare bum with his crutch and missed, getting it stuck in Pete’s shorts as he hiked them up. The shorts popped up with a hearty yank, taking the knobbly end of the crutch with them and Pete produced an admirable soprano. “Eugh! Eugh!” Caleb dropped the crutch at speed and hobbled backwards from his seat, clinging to the door frame with white knuckles. “I’m not touching that now!”
With a sigh of resignation Hana soothed the angst from the room with a healthy dose of English-sensible. “Why don’t we eat?” she suggested. Caleb hobbled to the table and eyed Pete’s sandwich on the bread board with eager anticipation, although he refused to sit next to him. “I didn’t get ham and cheese,” he stated, giving Hana the stink eye.
With a dirty chuckle, Leslie dropped the pants in the dustbin, washed her hands and returned to her sandwich making.
“It keeps popping out of my shorts now,” Pete said, his tone sulky. He pushed his face under the lip of the table and performed some rearranging, bobbing up and down and making Mac laugh at the impromptu peek-a-boo.
“I’ll walk along and get the children,” Hana announced as the small crowd ate. Her soul sought escape from the presence of the confusing males. “Please can you watch Macky for me?”
“Course I can.” Leslie spoke with her mouth full, spitting crumbs across the airwaves. “Ain’t you teckin the ute?”
Hana shook her head. “Nah. Fresh air will do me good.” She kissed Mac’s forehead and waved at the rest of the room, seeking her jacket in the closet by the front door. When she turned towards the door whilst fitting her arms into the sleeves, she met Pete’s face at very close range and screamed. “Bloody hell, Pete! Are you trying to give me another heart attack?”
“I’m coming with you,” he said, yanking on the leg of his shorts.
Hana groaned, but he ignored her audible protest and followed her out onto the street, walking like a man with hemorrhoids. “You’re making everyone stare!” Hana hissed as a group of pushchair touting women passed them on the pavement. Two of them looked back with confusion in their faces.
“My thing keeps popping under my shorts leg,” Pete announced, grabbing flesh and material in one hand and walking a little easier.
“Just go back to the house,” Hana begged. “I can’t walk along with you while you interfere with yourself.”
Pete’s jaw gaped. “I’m not!” he snapped.
“Then walk normally!”
“I can’t; it’s rubbing!”
Hana exhaled and a sob of misery went with the whoosh of air. Pete’s knobby knees strode along next to her like hairy white lighthouses in her peripheral vision. “Please behave!”
Phoenix seemed pleased to see Hana and performed a cute wrist wave for her mother’s companion. “Hello un-cool Pete,” she said, hiding behind Hana’s legs and acting silly.
“Time to get Wiri,” Hana urged. “Did you have a nice time with your new friend?”
“Yes, Mama.” Phoenix skipped along holding her hand as they escaped into the street.
School opened up a whole new set of challenges. Phoenix brushed her hair out of her eyes. “Need a wee,” she announced.
“Can you wait until we get home? It’s not far.” Hana’s brow knitted in consternation.
“Nope. Need it now.”
Wiri emerged from the classroom sporting a painting made up of black and brown splats. “Hey Ma. I’ve done a painting of the last muster.” He jabbed a finger at the wet paint. “That’s when Toby fell off in the mud.”
“He’ll love it.” Hana cast around for a toilet sign. “Where’s the bathroom?”
“Over there.” Wiri pointed with an outstretched finger and Hana instructed him to stay with Pete in the playground. “My teacher wants to see you about my tatts.”
“Okay. In a minute.” Thinking she’d heard wrong, Hana pushed her daughter up the steps and into the toilet block, suffering Phoenix’s squeals of delight at the neat row of porcelain sinks along one wall. “Hurry.” Hana pulled the door closed as the child wrestled with her clothing and she leaned against it to wait. “Don’t lock it!” she added as an afterthought.
“I likes these loverley toilets!” Phoenix announced with appreciation. “I comin’ a school ‘ere, aye?”
“Don’t know, sweetie,” Hana said, glancing over the top of the door. “Hurry up.”
Phoenix flushed twice and washed her hands three times, fascinated by the blower which dried her fingers with warm air. Hana chased her out of the bathroom and down the steps to find a small woman pointing at Pete’s shorts. “That’s illegal!” she said, jabbing her finger in the direction of Pete’s crotch. “It’s flashing.”
“It’s accidental,” Hana said, stepping between them. “And a very long story.”
The woman rounded on her. “I want to know why my daughter apparently spent all playtime drawing tattoos on your son’s chest in black marker pen. I’ll never get it out of her school skirt and the blouse is ruined.”
Hana gaped. “Pardon?”
“Look. I’ve got tatts like Pa now.” Wiri pulled up his shirt and pullover to reveal a mess of black lines coating his torso. “It’s my whakapapa.”
Speechless, Hana stared at the myriad lines and patterns, some coloured in and others filled with odd shapes and speckled patches. The chest part circled his tiny nipples like a wonky bra. “It’s...it’s...”
“Magnificent.” The male teacher appeared behind the woman and Hana heaved a sigh of gratitude. “But I’ve told both children that we don’t do ta moko in our school; not during the day anyway.” He chortled a good natured laugh and the small wo
man bristled.
“It’s not funny!” She raised her voice and the handsome male met her look of disdain with calm assurance.
“No, it isn’t. It’s technically assault seeing as your daughter was the ringleader. Had Mr Du Rose not been fully accepting of their actions; I would have referred the matter to the principal.”
“What?” The woman’s face coloured bright red and she took a step back. “My Samantha’s not a bully!”
The teacher smiled a slow expression of mirth and the woman jogged back to her gaggle of supporters. A group of small girls milled around the adults’ legs.
“Need a wee again.” Phoenix crossed her legs and Hana groaned.
“I’ll talk to Wiri,” she promised the teacher, abandoning the males to accompany her daughter back to the toilets. As Phoenix made straight for the hand dryer, Hana rebuked her. “You’re just messing around! I don’t have time for this.”
Thwarted, the child plonked herself on the toilet and made a pretense of squeezing another small one out.
“Let’s just go home.” Hana emerged onto the top step with her daughter’s hand gripped inside hers. Wiri’s teacher had moved across the playground to speak to another group and Hana stared at the sight of Pete and Wiri surrounded by small girls. Wiri looked fed up.
“These reckon they’re all coming back for a play date.” Pete shrugged and Hana shook her head from side to side with determination.
“No way!” she hissed. “I only left you for a second!”
“I don’t want them,” Wiri announced. He jabbed a finger at Pete. “He said they could come.”
The band of females oohed and aahed at Wiri’s words, attracted by the powerful Du Rose X factor. It didn’t seem to matter that his tone sounded insulting and he paid them no regard. “I’m Liesel,” a pretty, blonde girl announced. “Will we be having cake?”
“Hello weasel,” Phoenix said and gave a cute wave, mishearing. Wiri laughed and the girls crowded closer.
Hana leaned into Pete’s face. “Put every single one of these children back where you found them,” she growled. “I don’t have time for this.”
Pete’s bottom lip curled downwards and he stomped around the school yard, making excuses and handing children back to reluctant mothers. Hana shook her head and glanced at Wiri. “What kind of mother lets her child go with a stranger?”
“Dunno.” Wiri smiled at Phoenix and curled his fingers around her small hand. “Especially one wiv his willy hanging out his shorts.”
Chapter 34
Missing Stuff
“You promised us afternoon tea.” Wiri’s face crumpled in dismay. “You promised.”
Hana chewed her bottom lip. “Will a trip to the dairy do?”
Wiri and Phoenix bent their heads together with conspiratorial ease and then nodded with smiles. “Pie and a fizzy drink?” Wiri asked, a natural negotiator.
“Okay.” Hana’s sigh signified defeat and they walked to the end of the road and turned left into a side street with a dairy.
“Do I get one too?” Pete asked, clutching his crotch one handed and hopping from foot to foot.
“Fine! But you wait out here with the children.”
Hana emerged with hot pies, bottles of fizzy drink and three ice creams bundled together in her other hand.
“Ice creams first!” Pete declared and the children giggled at his rebellion. They sat on the low wall outside the dairy and watched as school children swarmed into the shop like ants. Pete snarfed his cornetto and laid into the pie and drink.
“Uncle Pete,” Wiri said, his lips white rimmed with ice cream. He pointed a delicate finger at Pete’s shorts. “It’s popped out again.”
Pete swore and Phoenix bugged her eyes in horror. With both hands around his hot pie, Pete looked hopefully at Hana. She pulled a disgusted face. “No way, dude! Ask me again and I’ll tell Logan.”
“I technically didn’t ask,” Pete replied, swallowing pastry at an astounding speed.
“You can tell him that as he chucks your dead body in the river,” Hana replied, her tone dull.
“What’s the matter with you today?” Pete’s blue eyes radiated surprising perception as he glanced sideways at Hana. “Is it something to do with that kid?”
Hana groaned and nodded. “Yes. And no.”
“Which is it?” Pete sprayed pastry over the pavement and Hana watched the flakes dance around in the breeze.
“Yes, Caleb is part of the problem and no, he’s not all of it.”
“So which bit is he?” Pete stopped chewing to glare at a boy from one of his classes and the child moved away, glancing at Pete’s shorts leg with something like horror in his eyes. “The big bit or the little?”
“He’s just some of it.” Hana sighed. “His father used to work for us and Caleb broke his leg on our property. I took him in because I felt sorry for him and I suspect it wasn’t my finest hour. Logan said he would be trouble and I don’t want to admit he was right.”
“Logan’s always right.” Pete grinned and adjusted his shorts. “Don’t tell him I said so.”
Hana shook her head. “I won’t. I left Caleb up at the hotel with free board and lodging but he turned up here. Now he’s making me nervous.”
“Do you think he’s got a crush on you?” Pete smirked. “Tell Logan. He’ll sort that one out real quick.”
“No.” Hana narrowed her eyes and shook her head. “He didn’t come to be nearer to me. It’s something else. He’s mixed up with Logan’s nephew, Asher.”
“What’s my bruvver done now?” Wiri’s expression accused Hana of betrayal as he fixed grey Du Rose eyes on her face. “What did Asher do?”
“Oops,” Pete hissed under his breath and Hana exhaled in a rush of regret.
“Nothing, baby. Just a misunderstanding. Don’t worry about it. Are you ready for your pie?” She fumbled in the carrier bag and fished out a steak and cheese, hoping to distract Wiri from an interrogation.
“My ‘ave pie?” Phoenix turned guileless eyes on her mother and Hana’s heart melted. “Peez, Mama,” she added.
Hana handed out the food and drink and rolled her eyes at Pete. She jumped as her phone rang. “Hey, gorgeous.” Logan’s voice sent tingles down her spine and Hana closed her eyes, wishing she could conjure him up before her and bury her face in the safety of his muscular chest.
“Hey,” she replied. “What’s up?”
“Is Pete with you?”
Hana glanced sideways and grimaced. “Yes, but he’s covered in pie so I’m not handing my phone over. Shall I put you on speaker phone?”
Logan laughed. “No babe. I don’t want the kids to hear swear words like that. Tell him he’s missing a staff meeting and is in big trouble. His balls are on the line.”
Hana wrinkled her pretty nose and glanced down at Pete’s shorts. “Not just his balls,” she whispered.
“What?” Logan’s jealous tone made her heart sink and she struggled to cover her error.
“Nothing. Nothing to worry about. We’re just at the dairy and he’s having a pie with Phoe and Wiri.” She leaned across and placed the phone between the munching children. “Say hello to Daddy.”
“I got pie, Pa!” Wiri called, mumbling over the goo in his mouth.
“Pie, pie!” Phoe’s eyes rounded like tennis balls and Wiri laughed at her inability to say more than one word.
Hana put the phone against her ear and felt a wave of tiredness overtake her at the need to constantly prove herself worthy. “I’ll send him back,” she said, her voice terse.
“Hana?” Logan’s voice raised as he shaped her name into a question. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she said with a sigh. “Nothing. We’re just having afternoon tea as a treat and then we’re walking home.”
Logan’s tone softened. “I trust you, Hana.”
“Really?” She didn’t mean it to sound so scathing.
“Yeah. Really. I know he’s got his dick out; Leslie told me.” His smir
k leaked through his words, rounding them out and making them sound less dangerous. “Tell him he’d better find a pocket to stuff it into; our new headmistress is not amused by his absence. I’d better go. She’s glaring at me through the glass doors.”
The phone clicked and the absence of Logan’s voice in her ear left a void. Hana sighed and turned to Pete. “Mrs Whatsit is taking the staff meeting and your absence is noted. Logan said you need to get back there as soon as you can.”
To her surprise, Pete shrugged and slugged a mouthful of drink. “Whatever,” he said and burped.
The children giggled and Hana turned to face him. “He wasn’t kidding, Pete. She’s there right now.”
“Yeah, yeah.” He turned a benevolent smile in her direction. “They just wanna stand at the common room window and watch me run across the soccer fields with my thing flapping out from under my shorts. I’m not stupid, Hana. I know that old woman told him she snipped my dags off.”
Hana frowned. “No, he sounded pretty serious.” Her eyes narrowed with concern. “You should head back.”
Pete stood up and brushed crumbs from his shorts and hairy legs. “I’ll walk back to yours and take the car.”
Hana shrugged and helped the children off the wall. “It’s your funeral,” she muttered under her breath.
They set off walking and reached the edge of the soccer fields just as Pete’s phone vibrated in his pocket. “Oh, that’s what that funny feeling was in my shorts.” He sounded surprised, fishing it out and putting it on speaker phone. He winked at Hana as though they shared in some secret joke. The caller’s voice broke into the stillness of the green field and the expression on Pete’s face made Hana snort and turn away. “Mr North! Is there some pressing reason why you’ve chosen to absent yourself from a prearranged staff meeting?”
“Er, what?” Pete peered at the phone in his hand as though it threatened to burn his fingers.
Recognising the voice of the new principal, Hana shooed Phoenix and Wiri away from the ensuing disaster and made a game out of following the white lines on the soccer pitch. She chased the children until they giggled. “What’s un-cool Pete doing?” Phoenix asked, stopping so that her cousin ran into the back of her. Wiri swerved to the left and glanced at the teacher in the too-short-shorts, who argued and gesticulated at the black phone in his hand.