‘Hello? Who is this?’
‘Liliana Buckley? Is that you? Marilyn’s daughter?’
An instant surge of fear runs through me.
‘Yes. Who is this?’ I repeat.
‘Forgive my manners. This is Maxwell here, your mother’s partner. I’m calling from California. I’ve found your number in an old address book of hers.’
‘Is everything okay? Why are you calling me, has something happened?’
‘Well, that’s hard to say just yet. Have you heard from your mum?
‘No… why?’
‘Well, she got kind of upset and I’ve been searching everywhere I can think of, but I can’t find her anywhere. And it seems she’s taken her passport.’
Oh no.
This is the call I’ve been dreading. This is the call I used to watch my granny receive. And she gave me very strict and clear instructions before she died on what to do once she wasn’t around to respond. Which is now.
Okay. I can hear my granny’s voice in my ear: ‘So the most important thing is to stay calm, get as much info as you can. You know what she’s like, so look for clues, and then act fast to find her.’
We’ve always got through it before, she always shows up. Eventually. Well, she always did when my granny was here. But it could be very different with just me around now, deemed one of her great burdens. However, no matter what she feels about me, I’m going to have to find her and make sure she’s okay. She may be a pain in the backside but she’s my mum. We’re all we have now.
‘Thanks for letting me know, Maxwell. You said she took her passport? Anything else?’
‘Her wallet with all her cards, so I know she has money. But her medication, that’s all still here, so I don’t think she’s got any on her. And that could be… distressing.’
Maxwell is absolutely right. Even if she is physically safe, she could get very distressed and disoriented without her anti-anxiety pills. Even realising she hasn’t got them will be enough to send her into a panic.
‘I just checked the outbound flights. There are London flights from LAX every hour or so, maybe she jumped on one? I can’t get any signal from her phone and no one has seen her…’
‘That’s really helpful, Maxwell. Thank you for looking out for her. I’ll find her, I promise, and once I do I’ll let you know. Just leave it with me.’
Before I even have a chance to process what I’ve just heard and what I need to do next, Christopher pops his head around the door.
‘We’re on. You ready?’
I shake my head. ‘I can’t, Christopher. I’ve got to go.’
He opens his hands in confusion. ‘You’re kidding right?’
I shake my head. ‘I’m so so sorry. I just can’t, not right now.’
Christopher runs his fingers through his hair and then holds his head at the temples. ‘But this is the crowning moment. Everything we’ve done, everything we’ve overcome only counts, only means something, if we get this right, here today. You can’t just walk out on all those people in there! You cannot bail on me. You cannot do this to me now.’
Oh my god, I never thought I would be on the other side of those words. Not in my wildest nightmares, would those words be said again in my company, in the Gazette of all places, by Christopher of all people.
He walks over to me and takes me by the elbows, pressing our bodies close. ‘Whatever it is, will two more hours really make a difference? Because believe me, those hours in there will make all the difference. Don’t throw it all away Lily. Just go in there, smash it. Why would you work so hard to get here and then back out on the biggest professional moment of your life? I don’t get it.’
In a way he’s absolutely right. My mother wouldn’t want me to miss out. But my mother isn’t missing in action to thwart my success. She’s missing in action because something has gone wrong, she’s panicked and now she’s probably necking bottles of wine in first class, trying to numb whatever terror has seized her and I can’t afford two hours. Because if I don’t find her, then who knows where she’ll end up.
‘I’ll explain later. But you need to do the presentation by yourself.’
‘But I need you, Lily. We need you to present.’
But when you get a call to say your mum is in trouble and when you’ve promised your dying grandmother that you will always be there for her, no matter what, then everything else just falls away. In this case, even Christopher, even the Gazette. Even the biggest day of my professional life.
‘No, this is your chance to shine! You need this for your leadership programme. Show McArthur that you deserve it and that you are up to it. You are going to do a brilliant job. I know you can do it. As you said yourself, you were born for this.’
Christopher pales and rubs his eyes. ‘No, Lily. You’re the Editor in Chief, someone who believes so passionately about the future of this paper! You know this staff and this community inside out. You’ll blow them away in there, I know you will. It’d give you the profile you need to move on to the next step.’
I shake my head. ‘I’m not interested in the next step, I like the step I’m on. But you, this is your baby. You’ve got to do it, Christopher.’ And with that I grab my bag and shoot out the door.
I’ve got to find my mother. I already have a pretty good idea where to start looking.
Twenty-One
My granny was right, a couple of clues was all that was needed to give me a starting point. Firstly, the passport. This is classic Mum. With the fight or flight instinct, Mum usually does both. In that order. She fights and then she books a one-way first-class ticket home. And she only travels British Airways. So, I drive two and a half hours in traffic to reach arrivals at Heathrow airport. The last time this happened, about two years ago, this is where my grandmother and I found her. She panicked, fled whichever country it was she was in, bought a one-way ticket home and then got here and had no more strength to carry on.
But when I arrive, the last straggling passengers are passing through the gate, which means I’ve missed her. Probably only by about ten minutes, but even so, I have no idea what state of mind she’s in. I haven’t really got any leads beyond this point. So, again, I think through my grandmother’s sage advice: ‘You know what she’s like.’ Which of course I do. No matter how anxious or distressed she is, her vanity overrides everything else. Her prime concern on landing will be how she looks. She’ll feel puffy and dried out so she won’t let anyone see her until she’s reapplied her face. I rush straight in the ladies’ room.
‘Mum? Mum, are you in here?’
I hear a cough. A cough I recognise immediately.
‘Mum, it’s okay! I’m here! I came to get you!’ I keep my voice high and bright. As if this was a normal airport collection service.
‘Down here, Lily.’
Thank God.
Thank God, she’s here, thank God she sounds okay and thank God I found her. I press my hands together and kiss the sky. Granny, if you’re watching, it worked.
I quickly text Maxwell and tell him not to worry, that she’s here, she’s home and that I will take care of her.
I hear sobbing as I move to the end stall. I knock on the door, but it doesn’t open.
‘Mum, it’s me. Can you open up?’
Silence. ‘Not yet, honey. I can’t go out there yet.’
‘It’s okay. You take your time.’ I take a seat on the toilet in the stall next door and stick my hand under the partition, so she knows I’m there.
She takes my hand in hers. It feels clammy and soft, as if there’s more flesh than bones despite it being so small.
‘I know you’re supposed to be at work. I’m sorry, baby. Will you get in to trouble?’
Of course I could tell her yes, that I’m probably in big trouble. That maybe Victoria will find this a perfect reason to fire me, that I’ve probably rewound my career by years and who knows if I’ll ever get the chance to prove myself again. But I don’t. Because I promised Granny, that I would take c
are of her daughter in the same way that she took care of me. And that woman raised us both to be better than that.
‘No, no, there wasn’t anything important. Nothing at all. It’s fine, really. I’m just glad you’re here.’
‘You are?’ I’m taken aback at the uncertainty, the fragility in her voice. She must have got herself into a right state the poor thing. She sounds so different. Softer and more nervy than I ever remember.
‘Of course, Mum. And the main thing is you are safe. You are safe right? You’re not in any kind of trouble? You’re not ill or injured or anything? Maxwell rang, and I didn’t know…’
‘Oh Maxwell! How could I… uggh… another screw-up to add to my CV…’
I hear her take huge gulps of breath.
‘Mum, if you won’t let me in, can you come on out and let me see that you’re okay? That you’re not hurt?’
‘I’m not hurt… Nothing like that… But I’m not coming out. I look like shit. I haven’t slept, I have no make-up on. My hair is a mess. Everything is such an ugly mess…’
I hear her blow her nose and collect her breath.
‘Have you any paper in there? I’m all out.’
I hand her a roll under the partition.
‘So… what happened?’ I ask. I need to know if this is something that I can help with or whether I need a professional, and then, whether I need a psychiatrist or a lawyer. ‘Mum? Let me help you. I’m on your side, okay. Tell me.’
‘Well, if I told you, you’d roll your eyes and say “here we go again, same old story, never changes, crazy old bat…”’
‘Well then, what have you got to lose? Try me.’
I hear nothing but sobbing.
‘And you’re not old, you crazy bat.’
I hear the trace of her laugh. At least that’s a start.
‘I had a big bust-up with my producer. She wants me to change everything, work faster, work longer… just change this, change that… so I walked out. I broke the contract and I probably owe thousands in recompense, but I can’t work with her and I won’t go back.’
‘We can sort that out. There’ll be other producers…’ I tell her. She’s done this more than once and we’ve always been able to come to an arrangement.
More sobbing, her voice cracking again, this time forcefully.
‘So, I was in a bad place with all that going on. Maxwell suggested we go out to cheer me up, so we went to hear some jazz, an intimate little downstairs place, cocktails and candlelight. Very sweet. Everything was going perfectly. I was on cloud nine. I caught his eye and I thought to myself, I am in love. This is what being in love is and I know that this is the first time I have felt it – other than you of course – but I realised he is the man I love, the one for me. I was just about to tell him too.’
I’m confused, shouldn’t that be a good thing?
‘It’s okay, Mum, you take your time.’
‘He excused himself to go to the men’s room. Well, while he was gone, his phone rang. Now this is not the type of gig that takes kindly to a ringing phone! I couldn’t believe it, it’s so, so unlike him not to put it on silent. Anyway, I had to act quick, so I took it from his jacket pocket and tried to put it on silent, but not before I saw about a hundred messages from a woman called Suzy.’
‘Okay.’ I can see where this is going now and it’s not going to be good.
I hear her take great big gulps of breath again.
‘I freaked out! When I questioned him, he said Suzy was a client. I said, then why does she have your personal number and why is she calling so late at night, and how old is she, and is she pretty, and is she single, and where does she live, and you can imagine how this went. He told me to calm down, I told him to go fuck himself, or keep fucking Suzy, whichever, what did I care… and I jumped in a taxi, grabbed my passport and made my way to the airport.’
‘And now you’re here.’
I climb up on to the toilet and peer over the partition into her stall.
And there she is. My poor mother. Head in hands, bawling like a broken-hearted schoolgirl on the loo.
‘I loved him, Lily. I really, really loved him. And now my heart is broken, and everything is ruined.’
‘He sounded really worried about you on the phone. You sure he’s not telling the truth? Maybe Suzy is a client?’
She shrugs and wipes her nose along her sleeve. ‘Doesn’t matter now. I’ve ruined everything anyway.’
‘You’ve still got me. We’ll start over. It’s what we do, right?’ I tell her.
She looks up at me and fresh tears spring to her eyes. But these are not desperate tears, there is a flicker of a smile on her lips.
‘You are so much smarter than me. You know how to protect yourself from all this heartache and drama. Now get down from there before you fall.’
‘Only if you come out.’
‘Deal.’
I climb down and hear the click of her door open.
My slightly bedraggled mum appears in the doorway, a smile breaking her face, her arms open wide.
‘Look at you! Honey, you look beautiful. I haven’t seen you in too long.’
She wraps her arms around my neck. And I know in that instant that I made the right choice coming here, leaving Christopher and the presentation behind. I see for the first time that sometimes walking away can be as courageous as staying. My mother needs me and there’s nowhere else I should be. She sinks in to my chest and I can feel the weight of her sobs. She’s right, it has been too long. After all, we’re all we’ve got.
‘Take me home, Lily.’
Twenty-Two
After a hearty bowl of soup, a renewed prescription and Chaplin to keep her company, I’m convinced that Mum is okay to rest by herself for a bit while I nip back to the office to see how everything went. She’s in front of the fire with a film, although I can see by her heavy eyelids that she’ll fall off to sleep any second. I’ve shifted some boxes and made up the bed in my granny’s old room, so she can have some space to hang her things and make herself at home. For as long as she feels is right for her.
‘I’m just nipping out for an hour or two, Mum. We’ll eat when I get back. Don’t go anywhere or do anything, promise?’
‘I’ll stay on this sofa, under these blankets. I promise. You go, do what you need to do.’
At the office, I can’t wait for the elevator, so I run up the stairs, taking two steps at a time. I need to find out how it all went! And mainly, I can’t wait to see Christopher. Driving back from London with Mum made me realise how utterly crazy it would be for me not to give us a chance at making something work, even if he does leave Newbridge. Even if he wants to go back to London, it’s not that far. I’m not ready to call time on us. We’ve just got started. And it feels so right. I’m not looking for just anyone. I want him. And if it means we’ve got to try and have a weekend-only relationship for a time, then so be it. I can stay with the Gazette and look after Mum here in Newbridge and he’ll be able to pursue his ambition within two hours’ drive from here.
Perfect.
And that’s what I’m going to tell him. That I want more. That I’m falling for him. Big time.
As soon as I run in through the doors, Jasmine spins on her heel. She widens her eyes and presses her hands to her chest.
‘Oh my God, where have you been! Is everything okay?’
I assure her everything is now under control and ask her to spill the beans. Quick!
She blows out her cheeks. ‘Christopher was amazing. He had every shareholder in there in the palm of his hand. Every question, he had the answer. He showcased your features and used them as examples. It was one hell of a presentation and they loved it!’
I knew he could do it. He’s been amazing for us, for me. I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have found someone like Christopher, who shares so much of what I love. Why keep it a secret? Why hide this wonderful thing? When I see him, I’m going to plant the biggest kiss on his lips – and I won’t care w
ho sees it.
Jasmine continues, giddy with such great news. ‘Your ears must have been burning. McArthur then waxed lyrical about you and your passion and drive, about the great efforts made by everyone and how the paper was going from strength to strength and its share value was now at its peak. And then they went into talks and came back with champagne flutes and smiles and told us that, yes, we did it! No final review necessary! The Gazette is business as usual!’
Wow. It does feel a bit strange to be on the outside of all this. To hear a second-hand account of something you have lived and breathed and dreamed about for weeks. But even if I wasn’t here when the news broke and missed all the excitement of the day, the main thing is that it happened.
And it’s still happening! At least I’m in time for the after-party.
On cue, Jasmine looks at her watch. ‘Right! It’s six o’clock and we’ve arranged a “Team Meeting” at The Black Boar. Dylan’s over there already with a few of them, so come on. We deserve it, that’s for sure.’
I smile. I can’t wait to find Christopher and congratulate him, I’ll only stay for one as I’ll need to go back to check on Mum, but I agree, we’ve earned this, everything we’ve put ourselves through to reach this moment.
But even though the paper has made it, I still have my final bucket list article to write. My fourth and final feature is going to take some thought… By now I should be able to come up with my own ideas. But how do I top skydiving and extreme obstacle courses and poltergeists?
I don’t know if I can.
Twenty-Three
I settle the tray of drinks on the table at The Black Boar. The place has been transformed for the evening, with a glittery banner reading ‘Happy HAG Jasmine and Dylan.’
I catch Amy’s eye. ‘What’s a HAG?’ I ask her.
‘Joint hen and stag, they wanted everyone here, not separate parties. What a day!’
For Once In My Life: An absolutely perfect laugh-out-loud romantic comedy Page 21