by AR Colbert
I couldn’t blame her either. Though I wouldn’t have been too upset if I were matched with someone like Raf.
“So you told her about the Embers?”
He nodded. “Not at first, of course. But the more we talked, the more I realized she would be a great fit for the cause. She’s tenacious and determined, and she hates the government more than just about anyone I’ve ever met in the city. Once I knew she could be trusted, it was a no-brainer.”
“That makes sense. She looked happy back at the camp,” I said. But there was something still nagging at the back of my mind. “So Dax was wrong then. You never actually married her?”
Raf’s hesitation told me everything I needed to know.
“We never wanted to be married, Claren. And we don’t consider ourselves married now. We never did. But technically, according to the courts of Classen City, yes. We were.”
I dropped his hand like a hot pan. But it wasn’t my hand that he injured. My heart felt like it had been slammed with a hammer. Over and over again. I couldn’t catch a break.
I had to remind myself that it didn’t matter. Raf was never mine to begin with.
“Clar—” he started.
“I’m fine. It’s just a surprise, that’s all. I figured you might have mentioned something like that.”
“I wanted to. I thought about it back at your dad and Carmen’s place, but I didn’t want to add anything else to your plate that day. And it’s not like it was ever real to begin with. We were running out of time. If we didn’t make the marriage legal, they would have taken her away.”
I thought that might not have been such a bad thing, but instantly hated myself for it. She was trying to live her life just like I was trying to live mine.
“Really, Raf. It’s okay. You did the right thing.”
“It doesn’t feel like it when I’m standing here with you.” he reached for my hand again. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Claren.”
I met his gaze and almost fell headfirst into those dark eyes of his. There was so much sincerity behind them. I knew he was honest now, even if he hadn’t been completely forthcoming before.
Not trusting myself to keep my distance, I quickly looked away. I couldn’t let my mind go there again, back to thoughts of a lifetime with Raf. It wasn’t fair to him. I’d made my decision.
“What’s done is done,” I said at last. “And I’m glad I know the truth, even if it did come a little late.” I shot him a look from the side of my eyes.
“Understood.” He bobbed his head.
The off-road vehicle Raf drove through the woods earlier sat waiting for us on a path just ahead. After catching a glimpse of the strange men riding around, I was grateful that he was here and ready to give me a ride back to the city. I was even more grateful that the vehicle was too loud for conversation. I needed a chance to clear my mind.
I hopped into the passenger seat, and he shifted the vehicle into gear. Thoughts rattled through my brain as we bumped over the rough trail that led us out of the woods, and I wasn’t any more certain of myself or what lay ahead when we arrived at the gas station than I was when we left.
Raf pulled his vehicle around to the back of the abandoned business, near the door closest to the entrance that led to the secret tunnels. Those tunnels were the only way we could get back into the city without being caught by Protectors.
“Are you sure you know how to navigate your way back inside?” he asked as I stepped out of the vehicle.
“I do.” I nodded proudly at my one small accomplishment of the day. “James, my point of contact in the Center, told me I needed to memorize the tunnels. So I did.” I pulled a piece of paper from my back pocket. “But I still have a map he drew me, just in case.”
Raf grinned and began walking toward the door. He hesitated outside, with his hand on the handle, preventing me from going inside until he pulled it open.
“So I guess this is goodbye, then?”
My breathing quickened. I supposed it was. Shoot. Now that I was here with him, I wasn’t prepared to say goodbye at all.
He released the handle and took my hand instead. “It doesn’t have to be, you know. I would go with you if you asked me to. I would go anywhere with you. Just say the word.”
I averted my eyes. He was drawing me in again. His care and longing swirled inside with my own so much that I didn’t know what was real.
But I did know that I didn’t want to be the one to pull him away from the Embers. Not now. Not ever.
“I can’t take you away from them, Raf. And I need to find a way to make this gig in the District work for us. Whatever it is. I’ve got to go and do my part, too.”
He brushed a stray piece of hair behind my ear, leaving my skin tingling where his fingers grazed against it.
“Can I at least walk with you back through the tunnels? I promise I’ll leave as soon as I know you’re safe.”
I couldn’t say no. Not when he looked at me that way.
“Okay,” I said softly. “But no farther.”
I felt his spirits sink, but I had to stay strong. And I was certain the Embers would be needing Raf here, too. Those motorcycle men didn’t look like they were messing around.
He leaned in close enough that I could feel the warmth of his breath. My eyes reflexively closed, waiting for the touch of his lips against mine, but they never came. He pulled the door open, instead.
“No farther,” he repeated my words as he gestured for me to go in. “Just as I promised.”
CHAPTER 3
Neither of us spoke of the mysterious men we saw as we made our way through the tunnels. We didn’t speak of Marissa, either. I think we both really wanted our last couple of hours together to be positive.
We laughed and played word games. We shared personal memories from our lives before everything got so wild with the Embers. We opened our hearts to one another, while somehow never once mentioning the elephant in the room. It was clear that we cared for each other. It didn’t need to be said.
I slowed my pace as we neared the metal steps that led up to James’ house in the Center. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
“I guess this is it.” I stopped and gestured to the end of our line.
Raf stepped up first, working to push open the hidden entrance that sat in the floor of James’ hall closet. “I’ll just make sure you get inside okay,” he said. He obviously wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet, either.
His feet disappeared through the ceiling above me, followed by his hand reaching down to help me up. I took it, not because I needed his help, but simply because I wanted to touch him again.
He pulled me up into a small hall closet. Surrounded by coats and boxes, there wasn’t much room for us. Our bodies were inches apart, and the darkness of the space stamped out any signs of hesitation either of us may have felt. One of Raf’s hands still rested on my hip, where he’d steadied me after I climbed up. The other wrapped itself around my back.
The closet was silent, minus the sounds of us breathing, our breath mingling together in a surprisingly intimate way. We didn’t need to speak, because the emotion was palpable between us. Again, I found myself leaning into him, unable to pull away. I casually wrapped my arms behind his neck and lifted to my tiptoes, slowly inching closer and closer. But right before our lips met, the door swung open and light poured in, exposing us from behind the barrel of a gun, held by a very frightened and angry James.
“Oh shoot!” James exclaimed with a laugh, though ‘shoot’ was probably not his best word choice given the shiny weapon still gripped in his hand. “You two nearly scared me to death!”
He waved us into his home, and if he noticed our proximity to one another, he didn’t mention it.
“I wasn’t expecting anyone, so when I heard the floor slide open in there I thought I might have been outed or something.” He was still chuckling and breathing heavily as he led us into his small living room. “What brings you back so soon, Claren? Did something happen out there? I
s everything okay?”
“Yeah, everything is fine.” I avoided making eye contact with Raf, partially because I was still embarrassed over almost getting caught kissing in the closet, and partially because I was upset that the kiss didn’t happen. I was also a little angry at myself for wanting the kiss in the first place. I was such a mess.
“But I talked to my dad after I got out there, and I think you were right,” I continued. “I should’ve listened to you from the very beginning and saved myself a trip. It looks like I’ll be much more useful working from the inside than I would be working out there with the Embers.”
James nodded, but there was no ‘I told you so’ or anything to make me feel bad. Only positive support. I always appreciated that about James. He had a heart of gold.
“This is Raf, by the way.” I turned and placed my hand on Raf’s shoulder, guilty that I hadn’t thought to introduce them before that moment.
James extended a hand toward Raf. “Good to see you again.”
Raf smiled and agreed as he shook the older man’s hand.
“You two know each other?” I asked. Raf worked in the edges of Morton before going fully Outside. I wasn’t sure when he would have had the opportunity to get to know James, a man who had spent all his years working in the Center, living a double life between the Embers and the Leaders.
“We’ve met,” James said.
“After Frank’s trial,” Raf added.
Of course. They must have used James’ help to get Frank out of the Center after I’d turned him in. That seemed like a whole other life ago now.
“Right. Sorry.”
“No need to apologize, my dear. And thank you for escorting her back.” James turned to Raf. “Can I feed you some supper before you head back out?”
Raf eyed me, and I gave him a subtle nod. I wanted nothing more than a few extra minutes with him. And he probably needed some sustenance before his long walk back, anyway.
“That would be wonderful, thank you,” Raf said to our host. “Mind if I wash up first?”
“Go right ahead.”
James directed Raf to the washroom, and I seized the opportunity to speak to him privately.
“I appreciate you looking out for us, James.”
“Of course. That’s what I’m here for.”
I returned the old man’s smile. “You’ve done so much already, I hate to ask you for one more favor.”
“Go ahead. I’ll help any way that I can.”
I nodded and glanced down the hall to make sure we were still alone. “Emmaline offered me a position in the District.” James raised his eyebrows, impressed. “And I’ve decided to take it. But I’d like to keep it quiet. Would you be able to help me get into contact with her... without Felix finding out?”
His brows pulled together. “I can, yes. But why don’t you want Felix to know?”
Felix had practically begged me to stay with him in the Center. He was willing to change his entire inner circle for me. But I knew I was a distraction for him. And deep down, I was afraid he might be a distraction for me as well. I didn’t really want to go to the District, and if he asked me to stay behind again, I wasn’t sure I could say no.
“I’m not sure what the position entails just yet. I’d like to get settled in before I notify him. I’m afraid he’ll worry, otherwise.”
It was a weak excuse, and I wasn’t sure if James was totally buying it, but he agreed to help me, nonetheless.
“I see. Well that should be just fine. You can stay here tonight, and I’ll find a way to get you in to see Ms. Frasier in the morning.”
I whispered a “thank you” as I heard Raf rejoining us from the hallway.
Dinner was simple but delicious. Though James lived in the Center, he was still just a Worker, and therefore not entitled to the personal chefs and other luxuries experienced by the Leaders.
Raf and I helped chop vegetables and clean up after we ate, and I soaked up every moment. I was happy to remember him like this, and grateful he insisted on following me out of the Ember camp. I would’ve hated for our last encounter to be the terse discussion we had after I saw him with Marissa.
He may have been stubborn and refused to take no for an answer, but it was all a part of his charm. In another time or another place, I could have easily fallen in love with Raf. Bull-headedness and all. But this was New America, and we didn’t get to choose who we loved.
As the evening came to a close, I found myself lingering awkwardly, unwilling to get to the part where we said goodbye. And James, sweet man that he was, didn’t seem to get the hint that we would’ve preferred a moment alone.
I knew I couldn’t keep Raf in the Center any longer. His day wouldn’t be over until he made it back to camp, and every second I delayed the inevitable would only make his trip that much more difficult. So at long last, I walked him over to the hall closet with James, biting the inside of my lip to keep from crying as I wished him farewell.
“Be safe, Raf. And thank you again. For everything.”
He wrapped me in a hug and I fought even harder not to cry on his shoulder. After placing a quick kiss on my cheek, he pulled back. His eyes said everything he couldn’t utter out loud, but I longed to hear the words. Maybe someday, after I destroyed the New American government from my new position, I would get to.
“Goodbye.” It seemed so insufficient of an ending for us.
“Good bye, Claren. For now.”
He flashed a half crooked smile, shook James’ hand, and then he was gone, dropping down into the darkness of the tunnels below.
I turned immediately and retreated to the bedroom James made up for me. I had to get away before I broke down in front of him. Inside the door, in the quiet solitude, I leaned against the wall, resting the tips of my fingers on the spot Raf kissed on my cheek.
“Claren?” James knocked softly on the outside of my door.
“Sorry to up and run,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. “But it’s been a long day. I think I’m going to go ahead and retire.”
“No problem. Get your rest, sweetheart.”
I slumped down to the ground, alone at last, and allowed the tears to stream silently down my cheeks. I sat for some time, reliving the last several hours with Raf and remembering what good times I could still recall from my life in Classen City. I didn’t know if I’d ever see this place again.
A shuffling sound came from the hall, and I suspected James was restoring the closet to hide his tunnel entrance again. But there was a lot of shuffling. I inched closer to the door, straining to listen to what I could barely make out as hushed whispers. Multiple whispers.
My body lit up, alert as I tuned in to the exchange on the other side of the door. Who would James be talking to now?
Unable to make out any words, I carefully turned the knob just enough to crack my door. With my body crouched down low, I peeked out. The hall closet door stood open as well, perfectly blocking my view of whoever stood on the other side. James had a serious look on his face. He nodded and turned across the hall toward his own room. I waited, my breath halted in my throat, hoping to catch a glimpse of our new visitor.
Raf had only been gone fifteen minutes or so. Had this new person seen him in the tunnels? Was Raf okay?
Concern wracked my nerves, but the stranger never showed himself. Eventually, James reemerged with a backpack.
“This should be enough,” James said quietly as he handed the bag to the stranger.
“Thank you,” the stranger whispered back. I guessed it was likely a man, but I couldn’t hear well enough to be sure. James didn’t look alarmed, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that this had something to do with Raf. I could practically hear his melody in my mind from where I sat.
“You’ll have to be careful,” James said. “We’re all counting on you not to let anything happen.”
“Don’t worry,” the stranger whispered back. “I won’t be able to live with myself if I fail.”
James dip
ped his chin and closed the door as the stranger made his exit. I never saw his face.
Silently pulling the door closed beside me, I turned back to my spot and stared thoughtfully at the floor. Who was the stranger and what was his connection to Raf? And what was in the bag?
CHAPTER 4
James didn’t say anything about the mysterious exchange the next morning at breakfast, to my dismay. I didn’t ask about it either. It was obviously not something I was supposed to see or else he would have alerted me to the visitor when he first arrived. I learned through previous exchanges with Frank and the other Embers that some things were better left unknown. I guess I’d hoped that I was a big enough part of them to be let in on some of the little secrets they shared now, but evidently not. My only solace was that Raf was safe. James surely would have said something if he wasn’t.
And it was further confirmation that I was making the right decision in leaving Classen City. They didn’t need me here.
After a simple breakfast of lightly buttered toast, I gathered my things and met James near the front door.
“I’ll walk you back to the municipal building,” he said. “But we’ll split up before we go inside. I need to get to work near the front entrance, but Emmaline normally arrives around the same time I do. You should be able to meet her in the parking lot around the back. Felix likely won't be there yet, but when he does arrive it will be through the front. He won’t see you.”
He locked up his small home, and we began our short walk to the building that housed most of the Leadership’s offices.
“Thank you again, James. I really do appreciate everything you do.”
“It’s my pleasure. Just remember, whatever happens in your new position, you can always call me. Help is never too far away.”
There was a flicker of worry behind his smile, and I wondered what on earth he thought I may need his help with in the District Leadership.
“Why do I always feel like you know more than you’re letting on?” I asked. My tone was playful, but my question was serious.