by Linde, K. A.
I hadn’t felt desire like this in a year. Not with the aimless blind dates that Amy had insisted on setting me up on. Or the gentle pursuance from one of the guys I had known from high school. There had been nothing but emptiness.
But here was Lewis.
Lewis.
A fucking Warren. An Upper East Sider. Penn’s best friend. All of these things that I didn’t want.
And yet, my body responded like a lit fuse.
I should back away. Walk away and never look back. I definitely shouldn’t slide my arms around his neck. Or press my body harder against his. Or open my mouth and let his tongue ravage me.
But, without even a thought, I was doing all those things. A soft moan escaped me as his fingers dug in deeper, and our lips danced against one another. His lips were soft, tender, persuasive. His body dispelled the lingering chill in the air. From my now-very-heated body.
I hadn’t been kissed in a year.
A long, cold year.
Yet here I was, on a rooftop in New York, with snowflakes falling from the sky to kiss my lashes, and I was kissing one of the most eligible bachelors in the city. It felt like a fairy tale.
If it wasn’t so incredibly wrong.
Why did my first kiss in a year have to be with Penn’s best friend?
I pressed my lips to his one more time, and then with great effort, I pulled back to look up into those deep, dark eyes. “I shouldn’t,” I sputtered.
“I know.” He kissed me again, slowly and luxuriously. As if we had all the time in the world. As if the reasons I shouldn’t do this didn’t matter.
“Lewis,” I pleaded. “I can’t.”
“Can’t? Or won’t?” He dragged my bottom lip between his teeth and then pressed us together again.
My mind was saying, No, but, dear god, my body was saying, Yes, yes, yes.
I broke away again. My hand flew to my lips as if I could somehow undo that magical moment and the hot feel of his lips against my own. “Won’t,” I finally settled on. “I’m sorry.”
“Natalie…” he muttered. “You can see this for what it is.”
I shook my head. “We both know that this is wrong. That I shouldn’t do this.”
“Why? This was perfect. You know it was.”
I didn’t say anything because, otherwise, I’d agree with him.
“Because of Penn?” he demanded when I said nothing.
I winced again at his name and said softly, “He’s your best friend, Lewis.”
“He destroyed you,” he hissed. “He used you and wrecked you and then tossed you aside. Did he even try to see you after you left New York?”
He had.
He’d tried. And obviously not told anyone else about it.
But it hadn’t been enough. It would never be enough. The pain of that confrontation still hurt. And afterward, I’d told him not to contact me. He’d listened. He’d stayed far away. I hadn’t had one single message from him since I kicked him out of Charleston.
That had hurt, too.
Lewis stepped into me again. “Let me be the one to put you back together.”
“I don’t need anyone to put me back together,” I whispered.
“Surely, you know how I feel about you, Natalie. I don’t hide it very well, even then.”
“Lewis,” I whispered.
“I fell for you,” he said. “A year ago. I’ve never stopped thinking about you.”
“This could never work…for so many reasons.”
“You don’t know that.”
I sighed heavily. “But I do.”
“Just let me try. Let me prove to you that what I feel is real.” He reached out and grasped my hand. “Give me a chance.”
I shook my head and pulled away. “I’m sorry. But I dated Penn. Maybe if I’d met you first.” I closed my eyes. My heart shuddered.
“I hardly ever see Penn anymore. Things are different now.”
“But none of that is true,” I continued on. “And you still participated in the bet.”
“Participated is a strong word.”
“You lied to me about it,” I reminded him.
“I thought you were happy,” he explained earnestly. “Yes, I lied. I told you what you wanted to hear because I couldn’t imagine being the one to break that news to you over the phone. Penn should have been the one to do it. To man up and tell you the truth. But the last thing I wanted was to shatter your heart when you seemed so happy.”
“I was happy,” I whispered. “And, now…I’m not, and this is too much. I don’t want to be a part of this life. I’m sorry…”
And I was sorry.
I was sorry to see the pain in his eyes. To see his feelings shine through. I hated wondering if it could have been. If the circumstances had been different. But they weren’t.
So, I left Lewis standing alone on that balcony.
Left it all behind. Again.
Part II
Every Artist Needs A Muse
Penn
7
“Okay, that’s all for today. I’ll see you all on Friday.”
The students in my lecture class began to pack up their books, and my teaching assistant, Chelle, hurried forward from the back row. I turned away from the lectern to collect the remaining papers that hadn’t been picked up from that class.
“Great class, Dr. Kensington,” Chelle said.
“Thank you, Chelle. Though I think it was lost on most of the students.”
“Yeah, well, undergrads,” she said with a shrug.
I stuffed the papers in my bag. “I wish more of them showed up to class. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be failing so many people.”
Chelle huffed. She had been dealing with the brunt of the students this semester. Apparently, I was intimidating. Though…it hadn’t kept the small number of female students from relentlessly hanging around my office hours.
My eyes lifted as another presence entered the room. It was a slight shift in the room, as if the air were suddenly charged. I sighed when I saw who was standing there.
“We’re going to have to postpone our meeting, Chelle. Let’s reschedule for Friday.”
Chelle glanced behind her and raised her eyebrows. “Sure thing, Dr. Kensington. Let me know if you need anything else before then.”
“Of course. If you’ll excuse me.”
I left Chelle where she was standing and strode across the room. I’d been anticipating this encounter for the last couple of weeks. I’d been purposely, conspicuously busy. Finalizing a hopefully groundbreaking book on philosophical ethics had that tendency. Though…I had used it as an excuse more than was strictly necessary.
“Katherine,” I said warily.
“Hello, Penn,” she said with a formality that I knew meant she was angry with me.
“To what do I owe the pleasure?”
She tilted up her cherry-red lips and tossed back her supermodel mane of dark waves. “So, seeing me is a pleasure now? That’s why you’ve been avoiding the crew?”
“I’ve been busy.”
She arched a perfectly manicured eyebrow. “Sure you have.”
“What do you want, Ren?”
“You know what I want. You haven’t responded to my RSVP.”
I shot her a knowing look. Then, I pushed past her and out into the brisk New York morning. The click of her high heels followed me onto Columbia’s campus in the heart of the Upper West Side.
“Why must you make this difficult?” she asked, walking as if she were on the prowl in a short black dress and fur jacket that I knew her father had left for her. She was lucky to still own it after all of their assets had been frozen and liquidated to pay his securities fraud.
“Am I making it difficult?”
“Yes. You know that you are.”
I glanced over at her as we walked brick pathways around manicured lawns toward the library. “You want me to go to this sham of a wedding?”
Katherine gave me a flat look. “Well, you’re not about to change
your mind and sweep me off my feet, are you?”
“No,” I said, mirroring her tone.
“I didn’t think so.”
“You’re really going to marry him?”
“A bet’s a bet.”
I halted my steps. “Katherine…is this really what this is all about?”
“I don’t want to talk about this with you, Penn. The wedding is set for the Saturday before Christmas. It’s happening in St. Patrick’s Cathedral, and no expense has been spared,” she said sharply. “Are you coming or not?”
I searched her face. I didn’t know why I’d expected to find anything in her eyes. She didn’t love…or even like Camden Percy. Who could love that egotistical, manipulative asshole? And, with the tragic downfall of her parents’ own marriage, how could she envision anything else for herself? She’d dug her own grave with Percy. Now, she had to lie in it.
“Yes,” I said finally. “Of course I will be there, Katherine.”
She released a breath as if she hadn’t actually been sure what I would say.
“Good.” A real smile graced her features then, and she looped our arms together. “I wouldn’t have known what to do if you hadn’t shown up. You’re my oldest friend, Penn Kensington. We’ve had our differences, but we’re practically family. I wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
I eyed her suspiciously. “Why do I feel like you’re about to do something vicious?”
“Wouldn’t you like that?” she said with a wink.
“You’re being too nice. What do you know?”
“Well, I thought you already knew, and that’s why you were being so mopey.” She tilted her head onto my shoulder and fluttered her eyelashes. “But I see that this is just who you are. All broody and self-loathing. No wonder she didn’t tell you she was back in the city.”
I jerked Katherine to a halt. “Who…is in the city?”
“Natalie, of course.”
My mind whirred to life. She was here. In my city. What was she doing here?
“You truly didn’t know? I thought she’d have already come by to torture you some more,” Katherine said dryly.
“How do you know that she’s here?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” she cooed. Her bright red lips turned up into a smile. Her dark hair blowing in the early morning breeze.
“Tell me,” I said flatly. I knew that begging would only make her more stubborn. I’d give her a minute, and if she didn’t tell me, I’d fucking figure it out on my own.
She stared me down, absolutely loving that she had the upper hand. I counted out a minute and then started walking away from her.
“Penn,” she groaned, rushing to catch up with me. “It’s all in good fun.”
“Sure it is.”
“Fine. It was Jane.”
“One of Court’s girls?”
“They’ve been together a year, Penn. You think you’d have an interest in your brother’s girlfriend.”
“I think he’s had enough interest in mine for the both of us,” I grumbled under my breath.
Katherine rolled her eyes. “Anyway, Jane posted a picture of herself with Natalie at Club 360 last night. I guess they’re friends now.”
“Why would she be hanging out with Jane?”
None of what Katherine was saying made any sense. Natalie had no interest in the Upper East Side or any of the people in it. Why would she have gone to the club with Jane?
“How should I know?” Katherine asked. “I don’t keep tabs on her. I merely thought it was funny that she was here, hanging out with our people and not seeing you.”
“Hmm,” I murmured noncommittally.
I was too focused on the fact that Natalie was here. In New York City.
Katherine sighed in exasperation. “I don’t even know why I bother with you.”
My eyes swept up to hers. “Because you wanted to see my face when I found out.”
She shrugged. “Fine. Now, can we move on? Let’s go get lunch or something.”
“I’m going to have to pass,” I told her blankly.
“Whatever,” she spat in frustration. “But this whole thing is a bit pathetic at this point. Natalie doesn’t want to see you. You ruined her life. You wrecked whatever was between you. Honestly, if she came all the way here and didn’t see you, doesn’t that say something?”
I slid my hands into my pockets. “What does it matter to you, Katherine? You’re getting married soon anyway.”
She glowered at me. “Thanks for the reminder.”
“Anytime.”
“I wish things could go back to the way we were.”
“We both know that you were the one who fucked that up.”
Katherine laughed morosely. “The only person who ruined it came to the city and didn’t see you. She’s a virus, a plague. One day, you’ll see that, too.”
She brushed past me and across the brick-lined sidewalk. The click of her high heels the only sound as she stormed away from me. Her mission had backfired. And now, she was more pissed than before.
Still, her presence here had left me with more questions than answers.
I veered away from the spot where Katherine had left me. If I’d thought I was going to get any more work done today, that was completely ruined. Now, my mind was a restless place, itching to put the pieces together.
Why was Natalie here? What had she had doing at that party? Why had she been hanging out with Jane? Why here? Why now?
Why?
Anger blasted through my body. Anger that I had held on a leash for the last year. That I’d buried, trying to forget, trying to move on, trying fucking anything to get her out of my head.
I’d been a goddamn fool and flown to see her, and it hadn’t made a difference for us. She’d wanted out. I wasn’t selfish enough to pull her back in. Even if I wanted to be.
But I wasn’t above finding her in my city if she’d ventured in it. None of the other shit had worked. Maybe I needed to stop running from the one good thing that had happened to me in my fucked up life and start running toward it.
I just had to figure out how the hell to get the answers to my questions. How the hell to find her.
A cab pulled up in front of me, and I hopped in as I pulled up Crew. First things first. I needed to see this picture that Katherine had mentioned. Make sure that she wasn’t lying. I put nothing past Katherine at this point. She knew that I had nothing to do with Jane because of Court. I couldn’t even believe they were still dating a year later. What sort of arrangement had they worked out for that?
As expected, Jane and I weren’t connected on Crew. I pressed the button to follow her. It was a matter of minutes later when Jane Devney’s name appeared at the top of my phone. I clicked on the notification, and her profile opened for me. It was as I’d expected. Her profile shot was of her in some kind of Chanel jumpsuit, looking away from the camera. Her ash-blonde hair framing her face in the carefully constructed way that made it appear effortless. I scrolled past the latest image of her breakfast artfully placed next to Dior sunglasses and an Hermès shopping bag.
I rolled my eyes and went to the next image. The shot knocked the breath from my lungs.
Natalie.
It had been a year since I saw her in anything other than my memories and the scarce pictures that we had together. But here she was in a bright blue dress that clung to her skin like liquid silk. Her utterly unique and wonderful silver hair flowed in waves down nearly to her waist. Her makeup was flawless, which I had to assume meant someone else had done it. Natalie hardly ever wore makeup. She didn’t need it. Her blue eyes were bright and unwavering. The smile small, not quite meeting her eyes. I’d seen her give me that smile. It always came with a question.
They looked like models. Fashion models at a premiere or during Fashion Week. Natalie, who hated this life so much, fit in without even trying.
I turned my attention to the status underneath.
Missed this girl so much. Seeing her at Club 360 tonight
was just a bonus. Hope I see more of her face. #besties #girltime #modelworthy #cunninghamcouture #gucci #designerlife
I frowned. What the hell did that mean? Were they friends? Had they just run into each other? And what the hell was this party? Designer life was hardly Natalie’s style.
I shook my head, more confused than ever.
The cab driver pulled over in front of my building, and I hurried inside, taking the elevator to the top floor. A tiny creature came skittering around the corner, racing right for me.
I laughed and dropped to my knees. “Come here, Totle.”
Aristotle, my ten-pound gray Italian greyhound puppy, was all legs and full of love. He harmlessly tackled me to the ground and licked my face with all the ferocity of a puppy who hadn’t seen its owner in hours. Didn’t matter though. He reacted the same way when I’d only been gone minutes.
“Yes, I do love you,” I said, dropping another kiss onto the top of his head. “All right, chill out, crazy.”
I scooped him up into my arms and grabbed his leash with the promise of a long walk through Central Park to clear the cobwebs. Totle had no objections as we strolled through the park, giving me time to think about Natalie.
Maybe she was here on vacation. She’d happened to be in the same place as Jane. I had no idea what her life was like now. Where she was working or who her friends were or…if she was dating someone. And it was none of my fucking business. I’d ensured that by participating in that fucking bet. It didn’t matter that it was all a farce for me just to get close to her. But, of course, she had been right…I hadn’t needed a reason. I could have just gotten close to her.
It was the Upper East Side billionaire, playboy stupidity, which I couldn’t seem to escape, that had trapped me back into its relentless pull. Like trying to escape quicksand. The harder you tried to get out, the faster it pulled you back in.
Still…I wanted to see her.
And there was only one way to find out what she was up to. I needed to use my resources. If I couldn’t go to Jane…I could always go to Rowe.
Penn