When you lose a child,
There is no floor.
There’s no sound to tell you
She’s arrived.
There’s no depth
At which she comes to rest,
At which we can finally say:
‘She’s OK now.
She’s with God now.’
(Beat.)
Because how can she be,
When she’s in the space between us now.
When she’s between me and Jimmy,
And me and you –
And me and me and me.
(Beat.)
She’s with me all the time,
Telling me
Her death was unnecessary for all sorts of reasons.
So how can she be at rest?
How can she possibly be at rest?
(Beat.)
And you haven’t told us anything:
Nothing that we didn’t know.
(to Casey)
He’s given us nothing,
Mr Casey.
Nothing!
Leon
(beat; then softly, to the whole room)
So why was she in the front seat?
Petra
(rising to go)
Look, I really think we’ve heard enough.
Leon
I have a right to know./
Petra
No, you don’t,
You really don’t.
Leon
But why?
Why?
Petra
We have nothing further to discuss with him, Mr Casey.
It’s over.
This whole conversation is finished.
Leon
Then maybe I should be talking to her./
Jimmy
No.
Leon
Maybe I should be asking her.
Jimmy
He’s not going near that chair.
Petra
Jimmy, it’s over.
Jimmy
You’re not going near that chair.
You understand?
I said,
Do you understand?
Leon
I just want to know.
I have the right to know.
Petra
You have a right to nothing.
You have no rights over us.
(Summoning him.)
Jimmy.
Jimmy!
(Small pause.)
Jimmy
It was me.
It was me who let her ride in the front seat.
Petra
Jimmy?
Jimmy
No,
I put my hand up to that.
Petra
But you don’t have to put your hand up
To anything!
Jimmy
No, I do.
Cos that’s what’s killing me.
That’s what’s poisoning me./
Petra
How can you say that?
Jimmy
Listen to me, Petra!
Petra
No:
This is not what we came to discuss.
You promised me:
We weren’t coming here to forgive.
Jimmy
I’m not forgiving him anything.
But there’s not one day passes,
Not one single day when I don’t hate myself for it.
Petra
You were tired. You wanted to get home!
Jimmy
Oh, we were always tired,
Because we were always working.
We worked so bloody hard
That our own daughter saw more of the child-minder
Than she got to see of her own parents.
Petra
Not in front of him!/
Jimmy
I’m not talking to him!
I’m talking to us!
I’m talking to me!
Petra
Not in front of him.
(Then, beseeching.)
Jimmy! Jimmy!
Jimmy
I should have been the one to stand up to her that night.
It should have been me!
Leon
(beat. Then, steely, to Jimmy)
I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry, mister.
But when you put your kid in the front seat,
You screwed me too.
Petra
What?
What did you say?
Leon
Why isn’t Freddie’s family here?
Why isn’t my mum here?
Petra
No, hold on a second, what is he saying?
Leon
She’s scared, that’s why.
Cos Freddie’s brothers, they’re putting shit into her
letterbox.
Spreading lies round my estate,
Saying it was all my fault what happened./
Petra
Well, whose fault was it?
Would someone mind telling me,
Whose fault it was if it wasn’t his!
Leon
Making people think
I get off on killing small kids,
Like I’m some kind of paedo.
Do you know what that means?
Do you know what that means in here?
No.
You have no idea.
Why should you?
Petra
You killed my daughter.
Leon
But that’s not the whole story, is it.
Petra
What’s not the whole story?
That you were driving the car?
That you murdered our child!
Leon
You know what I’m talking about!
You know I didn’t mean to hurt no one.
It’s what I came here to say.
Petra
That’s what you came to say?
That’s all you came here to say?
Leon
No.
I came here to say sorry.
I came here to listen.
But can you listen?
Can you listen to me?
Petra
Jimmy,
We’ve heard enough.
Leon
(now by-passing Petra)
Mister, don’t you think she’d want to hear it, your daughter?/
Petra
Jimmy!
Leon
That it’s not like they’re saying.
That it wasn’t like that.
Maybe that’s something you could do for her right now:
Something you could say to her, to make her feel –
I dunno-
Like she’s come to rest.
Petra
Oh, God!
Leon
You could tell her I’m not a child-killer.
I’d really like her to hear that.
Just so she’ll know
There were no malice in it,
That I meant her no harm.
Then I swear,
I’ll do whatever you like,
Say whatever you like.
I’ll go, and I won’t come back.
Just so you tell her.
Just so you tell her, mister.
Please.
Petra
(beat; sensing his weakness)
Jimmy,
No.
Jimmy
She was my child,
Petra./
Petra
Jimmy,
You have no right!
Jimmy
She was my loss.
My loss
As much as yours!
Petra
But of course she was.
Jimmy
So say it to me.
Give me the words you won’t give him.
Petra
What words?
What words?
Jimmy
You know what I’m talking about.
You know!
Petra
(fending off the truth of this)
Jimmy,
Whatever you think you’ve done,
It’s for her to forgive you,
Not him.
Jimmy
(beat: then turning at last to Leon)
All right, Leon,
Then I’ll say it for her.
Leon – /
Petra
Jimmy, no!
Anger’s all we’ve got.
Don’t you see?
It’s all he’s left us with.
Whatever you say to him,
You say it for yourself.
Not for me.
Not for Charley.
Jimmy
(solemn, unstoppable now)
I can’t find it in my heart to forgive you,
And I probably never will.
And what is more,
I hope you’ve suffered.
God!
I hope you’ve suffered for what you’ve done.
But I can just about accept
If I try really bloody hard,
I can just about accept
That what you did,
You didn’t mean.
Leon
Thank you, mister!
Oh thank you!
Jimmy
No, don’t thank me.
Don’t thank me!
The only reason
I don’t knock you out, boy,
Is that I can’t hate you
As much as I hate myself.
You understand that?
Can you understand that?
Leon
Yes.
Yes, I can.
Jimmy
I’m so angry.
I’m so angry I scare myself.
I’m so angry!
Petra
Then show me, Jimmy.
Show me!
Jimmy
(turning at last to her)
God’s my witness, Petra!
I’ve been up the drive.
I’ve stood outside the gate,
On frosty mornings,
When I called in sick at work.
I drove all the way out to see him,
So I’d know where I’d stand
When they let him out:
When his mum pulls up in her car,
Or a taxi comes to take him away.
I’d be there with a gun in my hand.
I swear to God!
(Small pause. Then to Leon.)
You’ve taken our daughter, Leon.
And ever since that day
Petra and me,
We’ve been living this life,
This apology for a life.
So I’m thinking:
You’re not taking her along with it.
You’re not taking my marriage
Without paying
A terrible fucking price.
(Beat.)
But you know what I think?
I think you’re irrelevant, now.
I think,
You’re just what happened.
You’re just –
An accident.
And maybe you should never have been born
But you were –
You were born.
So what would be the use in killing you
When you can’t kill an accident?
(Small pause.)
And Petra
You don’t hate him like you think you do.
Cos it’s me you hate.
Petra
That’s nonsense, Jimmy.
Jimmy
No it’s not!
It’s not./
Petra
Don’t, Jimmy,
Please.
Jimmy
You hate me for it.
And I’m a dead man.
We’re both dead,
Till you give me the words
I’m trying to give him.
Petra
What words?
What words can we possibly give him?
Jimmy
Let him go, Petra.
We have to let him go.
Petra
Jimmy!
No, Jimmy,
Listen!
Whatever it is
You think you’ve done:
Don’t you think she’d forgive you for it?
Leon
But that’s not what he’s saying!/
Petra
(to Leon, trying to shut him out)
Go away.
Shut up.
You’re no part of this.
Leon
Listen to him!
That’s not what he’s saying!
He’s saying:
(Beat. Insistent now, as though speaking for Jimmy, but also, most deeply, for himself.)
‘I can’t go.
Where can I go?’
He’s saying he can’t go nowhere
Until you let him!
He’s saying:
‘This thing I’ve done,
I can’t do nothing.
I can’t say nothing.
Cos what can I say?
What can I do?’
He’s saying:
(Beat.)
He can’t.
(Beat; truly struggling for himself now.)
He’s saying:
(Beat.)
I can’t!
Leon stands directly before her now, speechless with the impossibility of what he’s asking. Petra slaps him hard across the face. The relief of the physical gesture for them both is sudden and immense. He takes it without flinching, falling to his knees before her.
Petra
(to Leon)
What are you doing?
What’s he doing, Jimmy?
Mr Casey?
Leon clings to her. She raises her arms awkwardly, as if refusing to touch him.
Petra
Oh, God!
Jimmy,
What’s he doing?
Then suddenly, there is nowhere for her to go, but towards Leon. And the moment she touches his head, he comes to her at once, crumbling into her as a child, sobbing with the relief of it. And as a mother she embraces him, as though taking in to herself not just Leon, but Jimmy himself.
Petra
(to Leon)
You fucking fucker.
You stupid fucking fucker.
(Pause.)
Now go.
Leave us.
Please go,
And don’t ever come back.
Leon rises. He moves deferentially to one side, leaving Petra and Jimmy together. Their relationship has changed, as if the moment of her transformation is also the moment of her deepest turning away from him. And they both see this. So they can’t come together. Instead, they stand at opposite ends of the space.
Petra
Oh Jimmy!
Jimmy,
I’m so sorry.
Scene Nineteen
The following scene depicts two divided narratives: the therapeutic dialogue between Petra and Jimmy intercut by the remainder of Leon’s expository narrative from earlier in the conference.
Petra
(softly)
My first reaction,
My first mother’s need –
(Beat; then, as if reawakening to the thought of it.)
Yes!
I remember now.
I didn’t care what she looked like.
I didn’t care about the damage.
I just had to see her.
Leon
So Freddie gets the rod out.
Starts poking it through the letter box,
Right in
Till it’s up to the handle.
And suddenly there’s a Land Rover parking up.
And a bloke gets out.
But Freddie’s still on the end of that rod
With his tongue hanging out.
And I can see this bloke,
This fat bloke
Walking towards us.
Jimmy
(reluctant to do this, halting)
At the hospital:
When I realised what had happened.
When I realised
That she’d gone.
Well,
I tried to get up.
I tried to get out of my bed
But the doctors wouldn’t let me./
Leon
Fat bloke’s seen us,
He starts shouting
‘Hey you two!’ he says.
But Freddie’s got the end of the rod in his hands
And at the very tip
There’s this bunch of keys./
Jimmy
Instead they put a needle into me
So I wouldn’t get up.
Because I had a fractured pelvis,
And my chest injuries, well –
Leon
So we’re away, aren’t we,
Ducking and diving
With the keys,
These keys jangling in Freddie’s hands,
Till we get to the car
And I’m feeling,
This is living,
You know?
This is really living!
Jimmy
But I swear I would have crawled on my knees
If they’d let me, Petra.
If only they’d let me.
Petra
Jimmy
Jimmy
So I say,
‘At least bring me the body.
At least show me the body!’
Leon
And before we get in,
Before we get to the car,
Freddie chucks me the keys:
‘You drive,’ he says.
‘You!’
He don’t give me no reason,
He just chucks me the keys.
So I do.
So it’s me who’s driving,
Not him.
So it’s him in the passenger seat,
Not me!
Petra
When the police bring me there:
When I get to the hospital –
It would have been
Ten o’clock.
They let me hold her in my arms.
They’d bandaged her up,
So I couldn’t see the marks.
They’d put so many bandages on her –
Across her little body –
Jimmy
But they wouldn’t let me.
Why was that?
Instead,
They put me under,
You see?
But I’m fighting
As I go,
I’m shouting
As I go:
‘At least show me the body!
At least show me the body!’
Leon
So I drive./
Jimmy
No.
No!
Leon
See the fat bloke in the rear view – /
After the Accident Page 5