by Brian Solis
As you have fun finding ways each day to rekindle your creativity, please join me on the next steps of the journey of lifescaling—reconnecting with your hopes and dreams, rediscovering what truly makes you happy, and crafting a clear understanding of your life purpose, that is, your purpose for this phase in the ongoing process of lifescaling.
Notes
1https://people.com/celebrity/celebrate-sophia-lorens-80th-birthday-with-her-greatest-quotes/
2https://stateoftheart.creatubbles.com/2014/10/29/can-anyone-learn-to-be-creative/
3https://www.cbsnews.com/news/creativity-new-fountain-of-youth/
4https://www.happyandauthentic.com/the-secret-to-unlocking-suppressed-creativity/
5https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/17439760.2016.1257049
6https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/creativity-happiness-psychology_us_58419e0ce4b0c68e0480689a
7https://www.amazon.com/The-Wisdom-Oz-Accountability-Everything/dp/159184715X
8https://www.waltdisney.org/blog/birth-mouse
9https://www.learningliftoff.com/overcoming-obstacles-hard-work-and-persistence-paid-off-for-walt-disney/
10https://listverse.com/2013/05/31/10-amazing-but-overlooked-innovations-by-walt-disney/
11http://fortune.com/2014/12/29/disney-innovation-timeline/
12https://disneyimaginations.com/about-imaginations/about-imagineering/
Chapter 6
Reconsider
Understanding the Myth of Happiness Is the Key to Happiness
“Most folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.”
– Abraham Lincoln
Tell me, who do you know who is actually willing to die for you? Chances are, when it comes down to it, most of us can only identify our parents and perhaps our siblings and/or spouse as really being prepared to die for us. So, why is it then, that we let so many people dictate the terms of our lives? Why do we allow the nebulous entity we call society define what will, or should, make us happy?
Why do we allow the nebulous entity we call society define what will, or should, make us happy?
Happiness has been defined many ways, but a widely accepted understanding is that it involves1 frequently feeling positive emotions such as joy, interest, pride, love, and achievement and infrequently experiencing negative emotions such as sadness, anxiety, stress, and anger.2 That definition doesn't distinguish, though, between Happiness and happiness.
Many of us mistake happiness, the pursuit of pleasure, for Happiness, the practice of pursuing a life rich in purpose.
Many of us mistake happiness, the pursuit of pleasure, for Happiness, the practice of pursuing a life rich in purpose.
After all, ours is a pleasure-seeking society; it teaches us to think that bursts of sensations are meaningful. Perhaps, you just enjoyed a wonderful meal, a recent vacation to your dream destination, a delicious bottle of wine, fantastic sex, or were surprised with a bonus at work. Who doesn't love those things? However, their temporary happiness effects are like those of chemical stimulants, and they soon wear off.
When we focus on these pleasurable stimulants, we tend to end up making mental lists of all the things we think we need to get and do in order to be happy. “If I just had this, this, and this …
That's the H/happiness trap. What makes it dangerous is that the things we think we want are so often not those we actually need. So, having those things will only give you a delusion of pleasure, which often does not actually even feel positive. We find ourselves living a charade, trying to convince ourselves, and others, we're loving our life when we're actually increasingly disturbed by our dissatisfaction.
Ask yourself, have you ever craved attention, validation, recognition, approval, all as a means to feel a sense of happiness? We do this because we feel something is missing in our lives, and we've been conditioned to believe that if others see us as interesting, talented, and successful, we'll be happy with ourselves. But let me ask you, how much unhappiness has the lack of these things caused you?
It's perverse; we put our happiness in the hands of others, even of those we don't know. Social media has intensified this problem. Someone I don't even know retweeted my message! Yay! More than 1,000 strangers have read my review! Awesome!!! Except that Happiness isn't a zero-sum game. You don't win it by being more impressive, well liked, or successful than others. And the world, or someone in your life, doesn't win by taking happiness away from you. We can all make as much of it as we set our minds to, and we can live with it even in the tough times.
We are so intent to have positive feelings, but emotions are always fleeting, like hits of a drug. As soon as the hits of elation dissipate, we feel a lack of happiness again. True happiness is not a matter of a chemical rush.
Psychological research shows that the pursuit of happiness can actually make you less happy.3 I've seen many variations and interpretations of that research while developing the lifescale methodology. The key to a more satisfying and fulfilling life, according to experts, is the pursuit of meaning and having meaning in your life. In his book, Authentic Happiness,4 Martin E.P. Seligman, PhD, shared, “Meaning comes from belonging to and serving something beyond yourself and from developing the best within you.”
The key to a more satisfying and fulfilling life, according to experts, is the pursuit of meaning and having meaning in your life.
Our desire to have enviable things and to feel approved of, liked, or even admired is entirely normal. It's human. We evolved that way. It's not our fault, and blaming ourselves isn't the point. But if we want to get out of the H/happiness trap, we have to appreciate that honest to goodness Happiness is not a matter of the pleasure we take from the stuff we have, the socially approved satisfaction we seek, the rush of temporary escape from our challenges we get from a fun night out or a scary movie, or a matter of others' views of us.
Happiness is within our power, in our hands, because it is not a fleeting feeling that will inevitably dissipate; it's a process, a journey.
Authentic happiness is the result of a mindset. It follows from the adoption of the belief that happiness is within our power, in our hands, because it is not a fleeting feeling that will inevitably dissipate; it's a process, a journey. Our happiness is not tied to what other people think of us or even how they make us feel. True Happiness is rooted in how we see ourselves and the quest we are on. It flows from a sense of appreciation of how richly meaningful life can be, which allows us to be grateful for the experiences it offers, good and bad—though appreciating the bad will probably take some time.
The key is to seek the pleasures that contribute to true Happiness, to a sense that we are making a valuable contribution in life and pursuing what really matters to us. The meaningful and positive pursuit of happiness is also the foundation for this. We have to shed ourselves of devotion to the misleading notions that have kept us in the trap. The state of your mind, heart, and spirit is a result of whatever it is you set your mind to and whatever it is that you strive toward.
We tend to think of happiness as a goal. But Happiness is not a destination. It's a way of life. You don't just land upon an island of happiness and say, “Yes! I've arrived; now I will forever be happy!” Happiness isn't something we have to search high and low for. The secret to real, bona fide Happiness is to accept that it's already inside you. You just have to know what it is that makes you Happy. You have to know what it is you are genuinely interested in achieving, and what it is you truly value.
A big part of why living with Happiness can be so difficult is that we haven't undergone deeply introspective examination of ourselves and what we value. What really makes you happy? Can you honestly say? What is it you're truly thankful for? I, for one, never really thought further about this than believing I took pleasure from the false gods I worshipped.
We can all live with authentic Happiness; it just takes some committed work.
Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a leading researcher in the field of happiness studies an
d author of The Myths of Happiness, writes, “You can make yourself happier just like you can make yourself lose weight. But like eating differently and going to the gym faithfully, you have to put in the effort every day. You have to stay with it.”
Understanding that we can choose to live with authentic Happiness, every day if we keep up the work, really deeply absorbing the truth of that and believing it, is the next step in lifescaling.
To choose Happiness we have to first know what actually makes us Happy, what we value in our lives, where we are going and why. Clarifying all of that begins with a deeply thoughtful consideration of our values.
Notes
1https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-addiction-connection/201506/whats-your-definition-happiness
2Lyubomirsky et al., 2005
3https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-28409/the-pursuit-of-happiness-doesnt-actually-make-us-happy-try-this-instead.html
4https://www.amazon.com/Authentic-Happiness-Psychology-Potential-Fulfillment/dp/0743222989/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1534104255&sr=8-1&keywords=authentic+happiness
Chapter 7
Value
Your Values Guide You to Your Purpose
“Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.”
– Gandhi
When's the last time you examined your core values? With full transparency, I can tell you that I never really considered what they are, or should be, in any formal way that would help to ensure they were guiding me through life. Then, in a miracle of fortunate timing, I was asked about my values twice in two days, in two different states by two people in two unrelated conversations. Their questions served as a catalyst for my own deep exploration of my values.
From New York to Boston: The Serendipity of Rediscovering the Value of Values
There I was, sitting again at a lounge I had visited a mere hour before at New York's LaGuardia airport. I had boarded my flight to Boston only to deplane due to severe weather at Logan airport that had shut down all flights. I was exhausted from the week of travel but also still buzzing from an incredibly inspiring conversation the night before with dear friends that lasted well into the morning. Heightening the experience, our conversation took place on a New York rooftop with a marvelous view on an abnormally warm summer evening.
Since I found myself with an abundance of time, I decided not to work and instead replayed in my mind some of the memorable moments from the evening before. The part of the conversation that really stuck with me was about personal values and decision-making and how easy it is to lose touch with their importance in guiding our lives in purposeful directions. One individual in particular found himself on a completely different life journey than he anticipated following a series of misguided decisions. His moral compass, he shared, hadn't been consulted before each poor decision.
Those missteps led him to realize he was in need of deep reflection and enlightenment. He sought to discover the reasons behind his bad choices. Some deep introspection revealed the key to his future and the answers to his past. He had lost touch with his personal values. In doing so, he also lost touch with the underlying fabric of life and the essence of happiness.
He went on to explore his values and built on them to redefine his life goals and has since reset his compass, living a renewed and happier life.
Four hours later, I finally boarded my flight to Boston and soon arrived at Logan airport. I was worried that I was going to miss a chance to see a special friend from Slovenia who was visiting Boston for work and was leaving the next day. I hadn't seen her for two years and it would probably be another two years until I would have an opportunity to see her again. To my great good fortune, I got there in time to enjoy a glass of champagne with her.
Almost instantly, she observed that I looked “really different” and “really happy” and wanted to know what was new in my life. To my surprise, I responded, “Wow. Thank you. You know? A lot has changed.” I shared that I had been working on this book and had been developing my focus and rekindling my creativity.
She listened thoughtfully and then surprised me again by responding, “May I ask, what are your values and have they changed?”
In New York, I was a listener, allowing a friend to share a deeply personal story of values and their importance in guiding one's life. Now, I was the one who needed to share, and I decided to really open up.
I answered honestly, “I don't know.” I told her that I had just had a very thought-provoking conversation about values the day before, and I divulged that I was trying to re-center my life, unlock my creativity, and chart a course toward happiness.
She then shared a recent experience she felt would help me. I was so compelled by her story that I wrote this section on my flight home from Boston to San Francisco the next day.
“What do you think your three most important values are?”
“What do you think your three most important values are?” she asked.
Before I could respond, she added, “You won't believe that I bet they're the three everyone has on their list.”
With a moment of reflection, I offered that my top three were “family, love, and happiness.”
She smiled and replied, “Yep, those were at the top of my list, too.”
She went on to say that these are on everyone's list because we all have experiences that teach us that if we lose touch with their importance to us, we lose our sense of direction in life. We begin making bad choices that pull us even further away from what truly matters to us.
She then said with excitement, “I have to tell you about an experience I recently had in Europe. I went through an unforgettable values exercise that is helping me center my life around what's important … what's missing in my world.” The exercise is basic, yet profound. Following our heartening conversation, after some research I set out to simplify it a little, to craft a process for us to go through together.
The value of values
We should start with defining what values are and why they're important. Values guide our behavior. They represent the underlying fabric of how, what, and who surrounds you and how you navigate life's daily challenges and opportunities. Whether it's your friendships, relationships, art, work, partnerships, financial management, or how you spend your time and resources, values are (or at least, they're supposed to be) the guideposts that help you live your truly best life. Values provide the warmth in the best of times and light in the most difficult. They are what keeps you true to yourself. Your beliefs become your thoughts and your thoughts become your reality.
When I sat down to consider my values, I discovered my understanding of them was nebulous at best. As I reflected on them, I realized that the character I believed I emanated and the character who really showed up in important life events were in conflict. I hadn't been seeing that. As a result, I hurt people close to me and made poor business decisions.
Looking back over the past several years, I was stunned that I hadn't seen how out of alignment with my true values my life had gotten. We don't see that because we lose our way small steps at a time. As with my friend in New York, I'd made a series of missteps that pulled me further and further away from my moral center.
Defining What Is Right, not What's Right for Right Now
American humorist, author, and screenwriter Leo C. Rosten once observed,1 “I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be ‘happy.' I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be honorable, to be compassionate. It is, above all, to matter: to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all.” I would just add that by living in the values-driven way he describes, we can achieve the happiness we hope for.
To gain clarity about the values you want to guide you, and then build on that awareness to reset your own compass, grab some paper and go through the following exercise, writing dow
n your answers. The act of getting them down on the page helps to reveal the messages within them.
I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be ‘happy.'
Step 1:
Start by identifying times in your life when you were happiest.
Write it out—what were you doing or what did you achieve?
Who were you with and/or what were the surrounding circumstances?
What factors contributed to that happiness?
What values would you associate with these experiences?
Step 2: Identify the saddest, angriest, and most desolate moments in your life.
What happened?
Who were you with and/or what were the surrounding circumstances?
What factors contributed to these feelings?
How did you (or did you not) move on and what did you learn?
What values would you associate with moving on?
Step 3:
Assemble the values from steps 1 and 2 and list them in a matrix-style format (you're going to move them around in a bit).
Step 4:
Outline a list of your additional personal values that may not have come up yet. The list can include as many as you want. Don't worry about putting them in any order; we'll organize them in a later step. To help with this, you can consult this list of common values. If you don't see a core value of yours, add it!