by Sarah Bale
I’m seriously debating punching him when snorts at me.
“Do it, Bash. See if it makes you feel better.”
“See if what makes me feel better?”
“Hitting me.” He moves even closer. “I’ll even give you the first one for free before putting you in your place.”
My fist is flying before I even think about it. It makes painful contact with Saint’s face, his head swinging to the side. The laugh he lets out when he looks at me should scare the shit out of me. Hell, Razor is looking fairly alarmed, but that doesn’t stop me from raising my fist again. Before I can strike, Saint punches the shit out of me. He might be twenty years older than me, but the dude can fight.
He gets three good hits in before I punch him back. Everything hurts, and I know I’m fighting an uphill battle, but I can’t stop. I won’t.
Saint gets me in some kind of hold where I can’t move. “Have you had enough, Bash?”
I thrash beneath him. “Fuck you, Saint.”
I manage to get away and kick at him—and end up on my back.
He looms over me. “Enough. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Should have thought of that before you sent me to get information from the little shit.”
The motherfucker laughs. “As I recall, you fought Razor to do it. Said you wanted to be the one to break the punk-ass kid. Guess the joke’s on you because you’re the broken one.”
If I could get off this floor, I’d fucking tear him apart.
He wipes the blood from the corner of his mouth. “Get up, Bash. Put all this shit behind you and help us protect our girl. If you can’t do that, I’ll help you transfer out of here.”
I want to tell him to do it, but I can’t force the words from my mouth.
“I’ll give you a few days to think it over.”
He walks away and Razor just shakes his head.
“What?”
“I really hope you get your head out of your ass long enough to see what you’re doing. We all care about you, Bash, but Saint is right. If you can’t get over your shit, then you need to get out of here.”
He walks off as rage wells up in my chest. Letting out a scream, I punch anything I can fucking get my hands on.
Razor
Bash is raging as I leave his room. I only hope that he’ll pass out before he hurts himself. Saint stands outside of his room, a frown on his face.
“When you said he wasn’t himself I guess I didn’t believe you. I’ve never seen him like this.”
Neither have I.
“This is nothing compared to what he did in Nevada.”
“I better reach out to Grunge and see if he needs a favor for dealing with that bullshit.”
He’s not wrong there, though I doubt Grunge could pinpoint the damage Bash did with all the other shit falling down. Reaching into my pocket, I pull out a cigarette and light it. Saint raises an eyebrow when I inhale.
“What?”
“You started smoking again?”
I shrug. “Guess I spent too much time with Hawk.”
He’s about to say something when King opens another door.
“No smoking in our side of the house, asshole.”
I’m sure my mouth is fucking gaping. What the hell? King likes to get high with the rest of us, but now, all of a sudden, we can’t smoke here? I look at Saint, who looks as perplexed as me.
“The scent is wafting under the door and upsetting Liv’s stomach.”
I put the cigarette out against my boot. “Sorry. I’ll go outside from now on.”
“Thanks.”
He closes the door, and I’m pretty sure I hear air freshener being sprayed.
Saint says, “Not sure what that was about, but it’s good to have you home.”
“Thanks, man. Any word from Agent Hill?”
“Only what I told you on the phone. Her father is about to do something. I can feel it in my gut.”
“Me, too. That’s why I told Bash I was leaving with or without him.”
He sighs. “I don’t want to see him go, but he can’t act this way, especially not toward Liv. She has so much on her plate right now and his breakdown shouldn’t be one them.”
“Then we’re in agreement.”
Because when it comes down to it, Bash is in charge of his own destiny. I hate seeing my friend hurting, but right now we have bigger things to worry about.
19
Olivia
I stayed with King last night. He kept rubbing my stomach and whispering sweet nothings. Just like that—something clicked, and I know what I have to do.
“I’m going to keep it,” I whisper. “I’m going to keep the baby.”
The smile on his face melts my heart. “You’re going to be a great little momma.”
“I hope so.”
His lips brush against mine before moving on top of me. We take our time making love to each other. Everything feels different today. Like it’s the beginning of something new and special. Maybe it is.
When we’re finished, we shower together and get dressed. He walks past me, smiling.
“You’re going to have to watch yourself or they’ll know something is up.”
His grin gets even bigger. “I know you’re right, but I don’t care.”
I don’t either, to be honest. I’m happy, and it’s such a great feeling.
“When are you going to tell them?”
“I’m not sure. Soon.”
“The sooner the better, babe. I don’t want to slip up and say something.”
“Oh? And what would you say?”
“That you’re going to be a momma, and I’m going to be a dad by proxy.”
Just like that I’m tearing up. “King.”
He brushes his lips against mine. “I love you.”
I kiss him back harder, gripping his shirt for support. I know we’re playing a dangerous game when he walks me toward the bed, but I don’t care. His hand moves under my shirt, cupping my breast.
“Can’t wait until your breasts get milk in them,” he says as he squeezes.
Heat floods my body as a flash of him sucking my breast crosses my mind and I sway into him. He trails a path to my stomach, where he rubs.
“You’re going to be even sexier when you start showing.”
He nips my lip before kissing me again. I’m about to tell him to get naked when there’s a loud clatter from the hallway, and then cursing. So much cursing.
King groans. “If one of them fuckers ain’t dead, I’m going to be pissed.”
I giggle at the forlorn look on his face. When something else breaks, my laugher dies off. Shit. What in the hell is going out there? King opens the door and I run into his back when he stops suddenly.
Saint calls out, “Careful. There’s glass everywhere.”
King moves and I gasp. Razor has Bash in some kind of hold, but Bash is fighting him. King rushes to them and helps Razor.
“Fuck you, too, King.” Bash yells.
He manages to scratch King, who winces.
“You’re going to hurt him,” I say to Bash. “His back is still healing!”
The look Bash gives me should scare me, but it only pisses me off.
“Don’t give me that look, Bash. I get that you’re mad, but maybe if you thought about someone else right now you’d see that he’s in pain.”
He glances over at King and then stops fighting them. On some level, he must know that I’m right. King shoots me an appreciative smile.
Bash says, “I want to stay on the other side of the club.”
A look flickers across Saint’s face, but he nods. “Fine. You can go after you clean up this shit.”
“Fine.”
Saint gets my attention and I follow him down the hall. Bash won’t even look at me as I pass. We go to the living room where King and Razor join us.
Razor says, “That proves my point. Even though he’s pissed off, he’ll still listen to Liv.”
“It’s not safe for him
to be around her,” King argues.
Saint nods. “I agree. He’s still too unpredictable. What if he snaps like that and we’re not here?”
I ask, “Are you really going to let him go to the other side of the clubhouse?”
Because I don’t like it. Not one bit. While I don’t think he’ll cheat on me, I really don’t know given his current state of mind. Does that make me petty? Maybe. I’m just going to blame it on my newly hormonal state. King must sense this, because he puts his arm on my shoulder, pulling me close.
“He needs to be alone while he figures his shit out.”
Razor is pissed as he says, “Fuck all of you. If that was the case, then why did I just spend months out in the fucking desert, trying to get his ass back home?”
“Razor is right. If we let Bash go, then he may not come back.” When Saint looks guilty, I ask, “What?”
“I told him that he can leave if he wants to. It’s not doing anyone any good for him to be here like this.”
“Leave… as in the other side of the club?”
The shake of his head is barely noticeable.
“You’re joking. Saint, really?”
“Darlin’, he has to do what’s best for him.”
“And what about what’s best for me?”
He doesn’t answer.
I’m so sick and tired of these men doing things in the name of protecting me when they don’t even talk to me. That ends now.
Pushing past them, I walk to Bash’s door and go right in. He’s on his bed, lying flat on his back totally naked. I don’t miss the bag that’s sitting next to his bed, though, like he’s ready to leave.
“What the fuck,” he growls. “Get out of here.”
I close the door behind me, locking it, much to the dismay of the others who knock and tell me to get out of there. Moving toward him, I begin to undress.
“I’m serious. I want you to go.”
Since no one’s words have been able to get through to him, I’m going to try another method. By the time I reach the bed, I’m totally naked. I don’t miss the way his eyes roam over my body.
“I’m not going, Bash, so you can either scoot over or be the one to leave.”
For a split second I think he’s actually going to leave, but then he slides over just an inch or so. It’s enough movement that I climb into bed next to him. He’s so tense next to me and I know I need to tread carefully. I curl up against him, using my arm as a pillow. He stares at the ceiling, never looking at me once.
“I know you’re mad at me right now, but I’m really glad that you’re home.”
Silence.
“When I got the text message from you, I knew something was wrong. I tried to call you, but it went to voicemail.” I let out a small laugh. “Saint was so quick to send me away. I get it. It was to protect me. But I had no idea what was happening, and I couldn’t ask anyone if you were okay.”
He doesn’t even blink.
“That’s why I came in here tonight. Everyone is in agreement that you can go to the other side of the club if you want, or even leave. Well, Razor’s not on board, but King and Saint are. Yet again they are making decisions without asking me what I think or how I feel.”
Nothing.
“Bash, I want you to be happy, but if you were to ask me if I want you to leave, my answer is no. I know you’re hurting, and I know you’re mad. My father seems to have that effect on everyone.” I brush away the tear that’s falling down my cheek. “I want you to be happy, and I’ll let you go, but I need you to say it. To say that I don’t mean anything to you. Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t love me. That you’ll be better off without me. God knows it’s probably true.”
He doesn’t move and I cry for real this time.
“I’m sorry, Bash. I told you a long time ago that I was fucked up. I’m so sorry you had to find out the hard way.”
I move to get out of the bed when he stops me.
“Don’t go.” He’s still not looking at me as he says, “Haven’t been sleeping the best. When I close my eyes, the demons from my past haunt me.”
It’s so crazy, but him asking me to stay has given me so much fucking hope.
“I’ll stay,” I say, as I move closer to him.
He’s never been one to like using covers. Probably because he’s always so hot-natured, so I snuggle against him to get warm. He shifts, pulling me closer and I rest my head on his chest. His heart beats steadily and it’s soothing. Even though it’s still early in the day, I find myself falling asleep.
Bash thrashes next to me, waking me from my nap.
“Bash,” I whisper. “Wake up.”
He moans something, looking pained in his sleep.
Cupping his cheek, I say, “You’re safe, Bash. I’m here with you.”
He settles with a sigh.
The next time he wakes up, he rolls on top of me, pinning me so that I can’t move. The man looking down at me isn’t my sweet Bash. Instead, I see all of the torment he carries deep inside. I’m fucking terrified, but I reach up.
“Bash. It’s me. It’s Liv. You’re safe, Bash.”
I give him a little push and he rolls off of me, groaning. Again, I caress his cheek and run my fingers through his hair, all while telling him how much I love him until the nightmare is over.
I spend the rest of the day doing this. He sleeps straight through and I comfort him every time he has a nightmare. I know better than anyone how your past can haunt your sleep. Sighing, I close my eyes. For the longest time my father haunted my dreams. It’s something that takes the old pain and makes it feel fresh and real. I hate it and can only imagine what Bash is feeling.
There’s a soft knock on the door and King calls out, “Liv, there’s a food tray out here.”
My stomach rumbles, reminding me that I haven’t had anything to eat all day. Quietly, I slip from the bed.
King looks in when I open the door. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. I’m going to stay with him a bit longer. Thanks for bringing me food.”
He brushes his lips over mine. “Gotta keep my girl well-fed.”
I grin, kissing him back. “Thank you. Oh. Can you bring me a blanket?”
“Of course.” He looks me up and down. “Definitely feeling jealous right now.”
“We can naked-cuddle later. I promise.”
“Fuck yeah.”
He leaves and I bring the tray inside, shoving some bread into my mouth. He’s back a moment later with a blanket and my phone.
“Text if you need anything.”
“I will.”
I finish eating and then get back in bed next to Bash, who doesn’t even stir. This time I’m more comfortable, since I have a blanket to cover the parts that aren’t up against Bash. I fall asleep with a full stomach and warmth all around me. It’s heavenly.
Bash cries out, and I sit up. The room is completely dark, so it must be late.
“Bash, it’s okay. I’m here.”
He reaches for me, pulling me close. His face is wet with tears and I realize he’s awake.
“Want to talk about it?”
“How long was I asleep for?”
I lift my phone and look at the time. “Twelve hours.”
“I didn’t— did I hurt you?”
“No.”
“Thank god.” He sighs. “You shouldn’t be in here with me, Liv.”
“Yes, I should. I meant what I said earlier. I love you.”
Lightning flashes outside, illuminating the room for a moment. Bash has his face covered with his free arm, and it breaks my heart.
“Do you remember when you took me to your lake house for the first time? The weather was a lot like this.”
He looks out the window. “Yes.”
“I was so torn that night. I was with Razor, but I wanted to be with you, too.” I smile. “Do you remember watching the porno in my dorm room?”
“Yes.”
“I was so conflicted. I li
ked you, but I was also lying to you. And I knew I was fucked up and didn’t want to hurt you.”
He snorts. “Turns out I’m the one who should have warned you.”
“Okay, so we’re both fucked up. Maybe that’s why we get along so well.” I reach for him. “Maybe that’s why you were so willing to protect me. I never thanked you for what you did, Bash.”
“Fuck. You shouldn’t be thanking me for that. I killed someone, Liv.”
“For me.”
“Yeah. For you.” He lets out a small groan. “What’s even more fucked up is I liked it. I can hear his screams sometimes and it gets me going.”
He takes my hand, shoving it onto his semi-erect cock.
“Only a monster gets turned on by fucking ending a life,” he says as he puts his hand over mine before gripping his cock.
Together, we pump him until he’s groaning in pleasure. In some sort of fucked up way, I understand what he’s doing right now. He’s been hurt, and this is the only way he knows how to make himself feel better. It’s the same reason I used the fantasy website. I needed to shove the darkness inside of me into a corner where it couldn’t hurt me anymore.
But Bash deserves better than this. He needs to know that I do love him, even if he can’t see it right now. I know I’m taking a huge risk as I push his hand away and straddle him. His breath hitches in his throat when I lean forward, brushing my lips against his.
“I can’t lose you. I need you now, more than ever.”
“I need you, too. That’s what scares me.”
“Bash. We’re good together. I can help you, if you’ll let me.”
He leans up, kissing me hard. “Please. Help me.”
Reaching between us, I position him at my opening and slide onto his cock. He lets out a deep groan as I take him in. I set the pace, rocking slowly. The storm rages outside and rain hits the window. He flinches when thunder booms, so I brush my lips against his.
“I love you.”
His breath hitches, and he rolls us over so he’s on top of me. I wrap my legs around his waist, knowing he’s about to pound into me. I know, because I used to do the same thing. The harder I fucked, the better I felt.