“Do you wish me to leave you?” he asked.
I opened my eyes and looked at him, so solemn and caring.
“No,” I whispered, though I could not meet his eye. He smiled.
“I shall stay with you then. I shall sit here in this chair.”
I looked at the seat beside my bed and bit my lip.
“You should not pass a comfortable night there,” I said. My headache pounded louder, and I closed my eyes once again against the pain. “Lie beside me on the bed. At least if you are to remain here, you shall pass a comfortable night’s sleep.” The pain was so bad my hands were almost shaking. It took over my embarrassment. I did not wish him to leave me.
Darcy hesitated. When I looked at him again, there was an odd light in his eyes.
“Are you sure?” he asked. His voice was low. I nodded.
It was strange to feel Darcy climb into bed beside me. It should have been familiar to me after this length of marriage. I felt him settle into the bed under the covers, and I could feel the heat of his body.
“You must wake me at once if you need anything,” he said. “I will try to stay awake as long as I can. Are you sure you do not mind me being here?”
My eyes were growing heavy. Though the pain was as severe as ever, a strange peace washed over me.
“I want you here,” I murmured. I knew of nothing else after that.
The next thing I was aware of was a strange feeling of contentment. I felt slightly weak from my headache, which had subsided, but my body had a heavy drowsiness to it. I sighed and murmured and snuggled down, not ready to come fully awake just yet. I nestled closer into the pillow, somewhere in the back of my mind noting that my pillow was harder than it usually was. Something heavy draped around me, securing me. An unfamiliar pulse echoed in my ear. Despite my comfort, I opened my eyes to see what it was.
I was vaguely aware that I was lying on a white shirt. I lifted my head slightly, the side of it aching a little from resting on a hard surface. I stared in shock at my husband as I recalled the events of the previous night. I had asked him to stay with me, but somehow during the night, I had entwined myself around him shamelessly, and now I lay on his chest with his arm around me. I stilled, afraid to wake him and wondering how I could emerge from the situation before he could realise how I had flung myself over him. I was still debating how to loosen his tight grip when his eyes opened. His dark ones looked into mine, and I saw a brief confusion in them before he smiled with utter contentment.
“Good morning, wife,” he said, his voice growly with sleep. He looked delectable in the morning light with his jaw stubbled and his hair tousled. In contrast, I was sure I must look a fright. The arm he had around me ran up and down my arm, and he pulled me towards him, tilting my chin with his other hand. My heart pounded, and before I knew what he was doing, he had pressed his lips to mine. I could do nothing but respond. Darcy groaned and tightened his grip around me, holding me tighter against him. My lips parted under his as his kisses deepened. He rolled me over until I was underneath him. My heart pounded that this was happening so fast, but I could not have stopped. I pulled him tighter against me, wanting more. He whispered my name in a growl, and I almost came undone with desire.
A knock came at the door. Darcy paused. He looked down at me and his eyes widened.
“Elizabeth,” he said. “I beg your pardon. I did not…”
My heart sank in dismay. Why did he look so regretful?
The knock came again, and Darcy called out for them to wait. He climbed out of bed and raked a hand through his hair, casting worried looks back at me.
“You are well?” he asked. “Your headache is gone?”
“I am well,” I said. My mind whirled in confusion, feeling hurt by his sudden need to get away from me even as the desire still coursed through me.
“I am so sorry for what I did,” he said. “I was not quite awake. I thought I was dreaming.”
I flushed with embarrassment. There I had been ready to give myself to him and responding more than I thought I would and all along, Darcy had not even been awake.
“You had better allow Kate to come in,” I said in a flat voice.
Darcy stared at me for a moment longer before calling for Kate to enter. She looked somewhat surprised to see the master there, but her approving smile made me suspect she thought it really was a sign that I was with child.
Darcy stood awkwardly to one side as I rose from the bed, and Kate bustled around me to prepare me for the day.
“I shall see you at breakfast,” he said. There was a slight doubt in his voice as though he was nervous of my response.
A pettish part of me, the part that burned with humiliation, wanted to refuse, but I would not allow him to see how I had been affected. I nodded brusquely and turned my attention back to Kate. I endured her bright chatter as best I could while she told me all about her sisters’ pregnancies and how well they had come through them, without ever saying directly that she thought I was expecting. I glanced back at the rumpled bed where Darcy had recoiled away from me in horror and thought how shocked she would have been if she knew the real state of affairs between us.
37
Breakfast was a silent affair. Darcy could hardly bring himself to look at me and once he had enquired after my health, seemed more interested in disappearing behind a newspaper than meeting my eye. My stomach roiled to think I could have roused such disgust in my husband as I fancied I saw in his face. Then my disgust turned to resentment. What was wrong with him? Why had he married me if I so repulsed him? Presumably, he wished for us to produce an heir for Pemberley. He had made that very clear before our marriage. So why would he marry a woman he could not seem to bring himself to touch?
“You are quiet this morning, sir,” I said tartly as I helped myself to another cup of coffee.
Darcy put his paper down on the table and swallowed. “Forgive me. I have much on my mind.”
Still, he could not bring himself to look at me. Did I disgust him that much? He had not been disgusted with Amelia if he could desire her so much to the point of forgetting his precious honour where she was concerned.
I could not sit there any longer. I stood up from the table. Finally, Darcy looked at me.
“You have finished already? You have eaten little.”
“I find I have little appetite,” I said. “I wish to go out for a while. I presume I may take the carriage?”
“Of course you may. The carriages are yours as well. Where will you go?”
I hesitated. I was not sure where I was going apart from a strong desire to get away from here.
“I will visit my aunt and uncle,” I said. “I hope you have no objection?”
Darcy frowned. “In Cheapside?”
“That is where they live, yes. You do not wish me to see them.” It was a statement, not a question.
“No, of course, I would not wish that. It is rather far, though. Kate shall accompany you.”
I was about to argue and remind him I walked perfectly well by myself before my marriage, but I did not have the energy to fight. I simply nodded and walked away without another word. When I was at the door, I paused for a moment to look back at him. He had buried his face in his hands in a gesture of utter despair. No doubt the reality of our marriage had finally sunk in.
My aunt and uncle Gardiner were astonished but thrilled to see me. I could have wept when their loving arms wrapped around me, and when my younger cousins ran to greet me with smiles and cheers.
“Mr Darcy did not come with you?” Aunt Gardiner asked as we sat down to tea.
“I wished to come alone,” I said. “I wanted to talk and be free and be Elizabeth Bennet again for a while.”
My aunt hesitated. She cast a worried look at me then leaned over the sugar pot.
“And is all well between you?” she asked as she selected a lump.
“Oh, yes.” I paused, tempted to tell her everything. But I had not considered it myself yet, and I w
as not yet ready to speak my fears out loud. “I suppose the early days of marriage always take some adjustments, do they not? You have just taken on a new role, and it takes some getting used to. We must both learn how to be husband and wife.”
“And Mr Darcy is kind to you? He treats you well?”
I thought of him holding me while I cried the night before and the care he took of me when I was ill.
“He is very kind. Kinder than I gave him credit for, to tell the truth. I did not know he had it in his nature before our marriage.”
“Well, that must be a welcome surprise.”
“It is.” But not when it caused me to love him so dearly while he wanted nothing from me. The kinder he was to me, the harder I found my marriage. I almost longed for him to return to the stiff, arrogant man I first knew. At least I would have felt more equal about our situation.
My aunt reached across the table and took my hand in hers.
“What is it, my dear? I know this marriage is not what you wanted, but you have discovered your husband is a better man than you realised. And yet you do not look happy.”
I hesitated. The temptation to tell her everything and feel her kindness was overwhelming. But how could I face the humiliation of explaining that my husband did not want me and that he probably loved another woman? I did not yet feel strong enough to voice those words out loud. If there had been a way out of the situation, I might have spoken up, but as it was, my aunt could do nothing for me but pity me and I could not have borne that.
“Nothing at all, Aunt. I simply miss Father.” It was not a lie, yet I felt ashamed. My aunt’s eyes filled with tears, and she took my hand in hers.
“I know you do, my dear. I do too. Henry was a wonderful man. I shall always miss his sense of humour. No one was as witty as he was.”
My own eyes filled with tears, and I found I could push Darcy from my thoughts for at least a little while. It felt good to talk about my father with someone who knew him and loved him as I had done.
“Do you recall how he set down Mrs Long when she lamented about men who refused to dance?”
Aunt Gardiner laughed. “It was unkind to find it so amusing, but he was so quick, was he not? He was fiercely proud that you had inherited that trait. He often wrote to us when you were a small girl to boast about your quick wit and tell us the funny things you said.”
“Did he?” I smiled. “I did not know that.”
“If you like, I can show you. I went through all my old correspondence after he died. I kept them tied up with a ribbon. I thought you might like to take some of them if they appeal to you.”
“Oh, Aunt, that would be wonderful. Father was such a poor correspondent that I do not have many of my own. It would be like hearing his voice again. I wonder he wrote to you so often when he was so neglectful most of the time.”
“I should not wonder about it. He was a proud father with a little girl he doted on. Of course, he wished to speak of her to others. Your mother was — er — less enamoured of your wit, and he knew he would find a sympathetic ear with us. Come, I shall show you.”
I spent a happy day with my aunt and uncle. We read the letters together and laughed and exclaimed over the funnier passages. More than once, my eyes filled with tears as I read a passage that spoke of my father’s love for me. I always knew he was proud of me, but I never realised quite how much. My father was always so sardonic that even his regard for me was tinged with sarcasm. But in these passages, I read the words of a man who besotted with his little daughter. Something in my heart eased, and I felt a warm glow wrap around me as though my father were watching me and pleased to see the comfort his letters gave me.
“He wrote more than I realised,” I said as I caressed his signature in one.
“It tapered off over the years, but he always wrote to us more than anyone else,” said Uncle Gardiner. “Or at least, so he told us.”
“No, I think he spoke the truth there. We often teased him about how hard it was to get a response from him.” I smiled as I reread his words, hearing his laconic voice and the smile behind his words. “Darcy promised he will have a full portrait painted from the miniature I have of him,” I said, still examining the pages.
“Did he?” Aunt Gardiner sounded pleased. “That is very kind of him. It will bring you great joy.” She paused. I glanced up at her, almost able to hear her thinking. “I am glad you find him to be a good man, my dear,” she said in a gentle voice. “We have thought of you often on the other side of London. We hoped you were happy and being treated kindly. We thought of calling, but…” Her voice trailed away, and she glanced at her husband.
“But you were afraid Darcy would not receive you,” I said in a wry voice. “Do not think I am offended. Though he has improved on me, I am not sure how he would feel about the subject. Perhaps I am afraid to discover that for all his kindness to me, his arrogance is still far from what it should be. I wonder if he might…”
“Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy, ma’am,” said the butler.
I scrambled to my feet at once, the letters falling from my hands in my astonishment. I tried to grasp at them and only managed to get hold of half a dozen. I looked in surprise at my husband as he stood in the doorway, looking ill at ease.
38
My aunt and uncle had also stood up, and they looked between Darcy and me.
“Forgive me,” said Darcy. “I hope I am not interrupting. I did not mean to intrude.” His eyes were apologetic.
“Not at all,” I said, rousing myself. I crossed the floor to greet him and took him by the hand to lead him to my astonished relatives. I performed the introductions. Darcy bowed to my aunt and uncle.
“I am very pleased to meet you. Elizabeth has always spoken so highly of you that I harboured a great curiosity to meet you for myself,” said Darcy. “I thought today might be a good opportunity. It had the added advantage of allowing me to accompany Elizabeth home. Whenever you are ready to depart,” he added with a look at me. “I am in no particular hurry.”
I nodded. My aunt stepped forward.
“We are happy to meet you properly, at last, sir. Will you not stay for dinner?”
“If Elizabeth…”
“Thank you, Aunt. We would be delighted to stay.”
To my surprise, Darcy went out of his way to be agreeable to my aunt and uncle. He spoke to my uncle about his business and asked intelligent questions. He even offered to make introductions with friends of his who could help him. I smiled with pride as my uncle proved himself a gentleman who was every bit Darcy’s equal in good sense and understanding. It was good to know I could offer my husband a few relations who would not give him cause to blush. When the two men arranged for Darcy to have a tour around my uncle’s warehouse, I had to glance away to hide my astonishment. This went far beyond what I had been expecting.
“Your Mr Darcy is a very thoughtful man,” my aunt whispered. “No false airs about him at all. He seems perfectly humble. I wonder how he could appear so prideful to others?”
“Perhaps he has changed,” I whispered. “I am as astonished as you are. I knew him to be better than I realised, but this is beyond anything even I had expected.”
I was interrupted from saying more by the entrance of my little cousins. Sophia and Thomas eyed Darcy with curiosity. Darcy turned to them with a smile and asked very formally for an introduction, causing them to giggle.
“You are fond of children, sir?” my aunt asked him.
“I am. Very much so.”
“I hope you and my niece will be blessed with your own soon.”
Darcy went still at that and kept his face angled towards the children and away from my aunt. I knew where his thoughts tended. He already had a son of his own, a little boy he could not acknowledge. I fancied he was taking great care not to look at me when he replied: “I hope so, madam.”
“There is plenty of time for all that,” said my uncle. “You and Lizzy are young. But my sister will be overjoyed to have a grandchild,
will she not, Madeline?”
“Oh, I can imagine her reaction already,” said my aunt with a smile.
I blushed, and my aunt laughed at me. “None of that, Lizzy. You were never coy, and you are a married woman now. It is not outside the realm of possibility that a little one might follow soon.”
“We are teasing them, my dear. Let us not disturb them any longer.”
Darcy shook his head though there was a smile about his lips. “You are saying nothing that newlyweds do not hear from everyone. But from my part, though I would be happy to have children, I am in no hurry. Elizabeth and I have plenty of time. We are under no pressure.”
He cast a curious look at me, and I fancied I understood his meaning. He was not in any rush to consummate our marriage, and he wished me to know that. As if he had not made that clear this morning.
The time to leave came all too soon. A servant was sent for the coachman who was enjoying a fine meal in the kitchens as my husband, and I bid goodbye to my family.
“Please come and see us again soon,” said my aunt. “It has been a pleasure to meet you, sir. I am happy to know Lizzy is in good hands. She is very dear to us, you know.”
“She is very dear to me too, Mrs Gardiner. I will do all I can to promote her happiness.”
My husband and uncle shook hands while renewing their intention that Darcy should visit the warehouse soon.
I looked out the window as the carriage trundled through the familiar streets.
“You have missed your family,” said Darcy in a quiet voice.
“Of course. They are my favourite relations,” I replied. I looked out over the river as we passed.
“They are fine people. I find them very agreeable. I hope you know you are free to invite them to Darcy House or Pemberley at any time. I would be happy to see them again.”
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