When Stephen Hawking was nine, he was ranked the worst student of the class (bet he doesn’t lose sleep over that school report).
Mystic Meg the astrologist’s real name is actually Margaret Anne Lake.
Now call me Mystic Meg and cross my palm with silver, but I kinda predicted the future. You may want to book me for some tarot card reading and crystal chakra realness once you’ve read this, so hold on to your horoscopes. In April 2016, I released my last book Scarlett Says (where I basically just chatted about my thoughts on everything from Jeremy Clarkson to the moon landings). In it I did a little section on ‘Dream jobs: five jobs I would love to do’.
Obviously being Ant and Dec’s sidekick was up there. I quote: ‘Imagine hanging out with those boys all day and having a laugh. I would love it.’ Well, in response to Scarlett from the past here’s Scarlett from the future: ‘You will love it, it is a great laugh and how the fuck did you manage to make this happen?’
Another job I said I would have loved was a radio presenter. I wrote that I would ‘chat shit all day and finish work by lunchtime, it would be mint’. Now in response to that I can now say: ‘It’s a lot harder than it seems. It is an amazing job, but only once you’ve managed to prise your eyes open – as they’re stuck together with sleep from waking up when the moon’s shining – and you’ve had your first three cups of tea and half a packet of chocolate digestives.’
Now one that didn’t quite come true but I’m putting it on this list as I feel that I am one step closer to getting an interview for this job is ‘Stephen Hawking’s assistant’. I have so many questions and I feel like he could answer them for me, plus if I was his assistant people would take my outlook on some theories seriously instead of looking at me with a blank expression.
So when I was doing I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!, me, Adam and Lisa were chatting about Egypt so I thought I’d pass on my views about how I think the pyramids were made.
‘I proper believe that the fact the pyramids are there is proof of time travel. I watched this documentary and then read up about it loads after, and Stephen Hawking has said it would be possible to travel back in time; we would just need to go faster than the speed of light.’
Lisa and Adam seemed genuinely interested so I continued.
‘Now the speed of light is exactly the same number as the coordinates of the Great Pyramid of Giza – which is 299,792 [the speed of light is actually 299, 792, 458 metres per second, and the coordinates of the pyramid are 29.9792458°N]. Now this cannot be a coincidence. Also the pyramid lines up exactly to the star consolation Orion’s Belt. How would the Egyptians know that so many years ago?’
Now at this point Adam is proper interested.
‘Yeah, I actually sent my idea of what all this means to Stephen Hawking but I never got a response,’ I continued. ‘Coz I think the pyramids are from the future, I think someone from the future realised we would need them and went back in time and built them, maybe as a navigation system to get from the Orion’s Belt. Or maybe the hieroglyphics are actually how we write in the future, I mean really they’re just big emojis. Who even writes “I’m laughing” in a text any more? You don’t, you just put the laughing face emoji.’
Lisa was really confused, not about my theory but how I managed to find Stephen Hawking’s details. ‘But how did you manage to find out how to get in touch with him?’
‘Well, after spending most of my day trying to find his contact details I found an email address on Google: [email protected]. So to be honest, on reflection, I don’t think it was his account. I can’t really imagine him having hotmail.’
So after the show during Extra Camp, Ant and Dec announced, ‘We got an email from Stephen Hawking after that about Scarlett’s theory. He said he enjoyed her thoughts on the pyramids.’
Now I know this doesn’t mean he’s going to be inviting me to do any work with him at Cambridge University any time soon but it does mean he knows I exist and I’m one step closer to that call: ‘Do you want to meet up for a coffee, Scarlett, and become my assistant in some time-travel shizz I’ve got going on?’
As well as my predictions, I also sometimes have premonitions – well, more like coincidences really. I was helping my dad paint my Harry Potter cupboard, sorry I mean my room, about four years ago. ‘Do you know what I could do with, Dad? A new mattress. Like I would love one of those memory foam mattresses.’ No quicker had the words come out my mouth than there was a knock at the door. Me dad ran down the stairs and about two minutes later shouted up for me. ‘Scarlett, quick, you are never going to believe this.’
There were two men stood there selling memory foam mattresses. ‘You have got to be kidding. Are there cameras in this house?’ we laughed. We purchased the mattress from the back of a van for a bargain price of eighty quid and it is honestly the comfiest bed I’ve ever had. Weird or what?
Go back to 2007 when I was seventeen, I had just started at Queen Elizabeth Sixth Form College, which I loved. You were supposed to go to these compulsory classes called General Studies. Why, I do not know. They didn’t count towards your UCAS points for university, they were always super early on a morning and in my opinion they weren’t really needed. You would learn snippets of information about politics, ethics, science, technology and mathematics. Now in all honesty I didn’t enjoy that class, I thought it was a waste of time, and so did my mate Katie. So we would spend the time that we should have been at that class doing productive stuff like shopping or going for breakfast.
Now on one of these days we spotted an old lady struggling with her shopping bags. She looked quite lost and everyone was just walking past her. We approached her.
‘Are you OK?’ I asked.
‘Not really, dear. I have forgotten how to get home.’
‘It’s OK, we will help you. Whenever I forget something I always ring someone in my family. Is there anyone we can call who will be able to help?’
‘Well, yes, I have daughters. One of them works at the college just up by the bank.’
‘Great, have you got her mobile number or name and we can call her?’ She didn’t have her number but we called the college and asked for Mrs Beath.
‘Hi, is Mrs Beath there please? It’s very important. We have her mam with us wanting to speak to her.’
‘Yes, putting you through now.’
Mrs Beath came and collected her and took the lovely lady home. We were so happy she got back safe. Right now, fast-forward two weeks and another two missed General Studies classes, I received a letter explaining I had a meeting with the head teacher about my attendance.
I walked into the office wondering what repercussions were heading my way. Well, guess who was the head? Only Mrs Beath. She giggled when I walked in. ‘Well, Scarlett, firstly thank you so much for making sure my mam got home safely, it was very kind of you. I was going to be telling you what was going to happen due to you missing eight classes which is the maximum you can miss, but I understand that you missed one due to helping my mam, so if you can make sure you don’t miss any more classes we will leave it at that.’
I mean, if that isn’t karma I don’t know what is.
So with all these crazy premonitions and coincidences I thought I would try and predict what the future has in store for me (or more to the point what I would love to happen to me). So here are my dream jobs that I would love to get by 2020.
2020 Top Five Dream Jobs
To have a part in a West End musical
Imagine having a job where you get to sing, dance, act and play dress-up all day. Ideally I would love to play my childhood heroine Belle in Beauty and the Beast but I’d settle for Mrs Potts, to be fair.
To be a part of Strictly Come Dancing
With eighteen years of ballroom and Latin knowledge up my sleeve I would love to dive headfirst back into all that glitter, fake tan and snakehips action. To be honest, in an ideal world (I mean this is my dreams page, after all), I would love to be a judge or present
er. But if I can’t achieve that I’d happily pull the rope that lifts the curtain up for them at Blackpool Tower ballroom.
To write a children’s book
I’d love to be a little Pied Piper of literature. I feel pure joy and happiness when I watch my little sister get lost in a book and I would love to bring this happiness to other children too.
To be a chocolate tester
I feel like this needs no explanation other than the fact you would actually get paid to eat chocolate (plus no one could ever make you feel guilty about eating three family-sized bars of Cadburys as you could reply, ‘Well, I’m just doing my job’).
To carry on doing what I’m doing now
To be perfectly honest I am living my dream now. I get to work with legends like Ant and Dec, meet amazing people every day and get to present on shows I have watched for years.
I am so grateful I get to do a job I love. I realise how lucky I am. I mean I get to do things like chat to you through this book and it’s made me reflect on my life so far. I have learnt so much. I have learnt that despite my parents being the most sarcastic people I know, despite them choosing my name over a game of Scrabble and them ‘character-building’ me – well, taking the piss out of my monobrow – for most of my life, it is their way of showing me they love me. I know I am very lucky to have two people that are always there for me no matter what.
I have learnt that I am lucky enough to have a sister who loves me enough to always tell me the truth if she thinks my fake tan is streaky and my hair looks like, and I quote, ‘a hot mess’.
I have learnt that the gaggle of girls who tried to make my life hell at school made me a stronger person and they may have won a few battles but they did not win the war.
I have learnt to finally love my face despite trying to hide it for so long after the Bell’s palsy and the accident. In fact I love it so much I now take selfies of it and post them online for everyone to see.
And I have learnt that life is fucking crazy and by saying yes to just one opportunity, in my case Gogglebox, your life can change overnight. So after experiencing what feels like a million things in just twenty-seven years I have learnt that life is full of ups and downs. And even though I’ve had some rough times, I can’t complain because:
‘Me life is sofa so good.’
THE YOUNG GIRL AND HER PLAITS FABLE
Once upon a time there was a young girl who always said and did things that others around her said were strange. She would sing aloud whilst wearing her hair in two plaits. She would go metal-detecting whilst asking questions about pyramids and aliens. And she was forever telling people facts about everything.
‘Why are you so weird, why don’t you just act like a normal, ordinary person?’ said a classmate to the young girl. ‘Don’t you want to fit in?’
So that’s exactly what the young girl did. She let down her plaits that night and the next day she acted like the other girls around her. She tried to fit in. She managed it for a whole six hours.
‘How are you enjoying acting normal for a change?’ said the classmate.
‘Well,’ replied the young girl, ‘I am bored.’
‘I don’t understand,’ said the classmate.
‘See, I have come to realise I don’t mind not fitting in. I have realised I don’t want to be ordinary. I got bored acting like everybody else. I don’t want to change myself just to blend in with everybody else. I have decided to go back to being me.’
And with that, the young girl smiled to her classmate and skipped off, singing out loud whilst plaiting her hair.
Moral of Scarlett’s Fable: ‘Stay true to who you are even if people try to change you and you will live a happy life.’
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I would like to thank every single person that has supported me, just by watching me on the TV, by reading this book, by following me on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook, or by coming up to me in the street and simply having a chat or a selfie. To everyone who voted for me in I’m a Celebrity, I wish I could give every single one of you a huge cuddle and a kiss. Seriously, each and every one of you (if I could name you all, I would) have helped me to become a more confident person and allowed me to live out my dream in real life.
A mahoosive thank you to the greatest parents in the world (I know everyone says that but my parents ‘in my opinion’ really are the greatest) – my mam and dad. I am so grateful to have you in my life, and not just because you taught me how to robot dance and allow me to sing like a Disney princess in your house even though it annoys you, but also because you have always given me your full love and support. You guide me through life and I wouldn’t be writing this book without you both.
To my little sister Ava, my favourite person in the whole wide world and back again. Thank you for making me laugh every single day, you beautiful human being.
To my family that are always there for me: my nanny and pappy (for being my second set of parents) and Kirsty, the best auntie a girl could ask for (thanks for letting me pinch your lipstick when I was little and always being there when I need to talk).
To my uncle Daniel (I know if I ever needed you I could rely on you and thank you for giving me some of my best memories at Nanny’s parties including those shaved eyebrows) and my uncle Karl (I love you for introducing me to great comedies, but it does not let you off for the time you microwaved my dolls’ heads when I was seven).
To my amazing cousins, you two are like the brothers I never had: Josh (I know you’ve probably read this book in less than ten minutes, you genius) and Noah (you are an amazing kid and I hope your love of Hoovers evolves into you becoming the next Mr Dyson; you’re going to be a top vacuum inventor). Also to my cousin Keegan (I hope you let Luca play in a dog kennel one day like we used to).
To Luke, thank you for enduring endless evenings of listening to conspiracy theories, me singing Disney and musical songs and watching Top Ten Facts on YouTube. For encouraging me in everything I do and for being the greatest dog daddy to our puppy Bonnie Blue.
To all my forever friends: Sarah (you are my best friend, thank you for always looking after me, you’ve saved my life at least twice. Thank you for giving me advice and the confidence to be myself. And of course for giving me the best gift a friend could ask for, Jacob, to be a part of my life as my godson); Billie (for always being there for me, for coming to watch me on Saturday Night Takeaway and never saying no to ‘Should we have another drink?’); Ivo (for all our car trips where we laughed so hard it would hurt and for you and your family always supporting me in everything I do); Nicola Morris (for all your support and love, my girl); Bam; Kelly (for asking me to Crookfest that day; it’s the first time I had ever felt like I was part of a friendship group); and Sam and Hannah (for upping my sarcasm game to a whole other level).
To my queens, Tess Tickle, Mr Mark Tickle, Emma Royd and Cara O’Hara, for always making me smile, the advice and support (and the greatest holiday to Vegas ever: Cher, Britney, Dick’s Bar, the Fruit Loop and watching a woman ride a unicorn would not have been the same if it wasn’t done with you lot).
To my university girls for sticking by me through my bad eyebrow stage and giving me so many amazing memories (some that don’t even involve alcohol), for true friendship and for being my forever friends: Zoe, Jess and Siân.
Massive thanks to Dianne Howe – I class you as an auntie, your dance school gave me a place to be myself and a safe haven from the bullying. You encouraged my love of dance and helped build my confidence.
To Ant and Dec for believing in me and giving me opportunities and guidance that has changed my life forever.
Of course a huge thank you to ITV for giving me so many amazing and overwhelming opportunities. Thank you Shu, Angela, Richard, Pete (my fellow Victoria Wood lover), Micky, Daisy, Diego, Saul, director Chris, Andy Milligan, Mike Spencer (my lovely producer), and the hair and make-up team for making me look decent for a change, especially Alice with her wispy eyelashes.
And of c
ourse a huge thank you to everyone at Channel 4: without you I wouldn’t be writing this book, you have given me so many amazing opportunities and I am so grateful. Thanks to everyone at Studio Lambert, especially Tania Alexander and Tommy Turnbull and to everyone who worked on Gogglebox. To Tiger Aspect – can’t believe we brought back Streetmate – every single one of you put your heart and soul into making the best show we could.
Thank you to Jadeen (for literally organising my life for the last year and for all your support), to John for believing in me, to Dave for making me laugh throughout Streetmate and to Jess (for all the times I got confused at the train station).
And a huge, huge thank you to everybody at Blink Publishing for making my dream book a reality. A special thank you to Natalie Jerome for believing in me (and for putting up with my endless run of emails).
When the monobrow is starting to creep in and your dad’s cut your fringe too short to hide it.
Always been a party animal. Joke. My parents have photos of me like this on every holiday we’ve been on. They think they’re so funny.
The men I can always rely on – my dad and Noddy.
From the age of 7, I’ve always tried to plan what transportation I could use to meet some aliens.
The infamous bee outfit. Second place for a bin bag, a pair of tights and some yellow gaffer tape. My mam’s like Gok Wan.
Facebook friends for life. I love how three of the girls are now dance teachers. (I’m the one who has more fringe than face.)
When you tan your head, arms and legs… but forget your torso is going to be on show.
Me and my beautiful little sister, Ava, looking pretty in pink.
Me Life Story Page 23