by Atlas, Lilly
“So that’s what happens?” Holly asked. “A panic attack like you had the car?”
He nodded and fingered a lock of her hair. “It’s called a dissociative episode. I basically shut down, kinda disappear into my mind while simultaneously having a panic attack. I never remember what I do, or say, or how I act.” Same with the dreams. They were just another form of the disassociation. A more severe, frightening form because he tended to lash out violently.
Holly’s forehead wrinkled as she nodded. She appeared to really be taking in what he said and letting it rattle around in her brain. “And today’s episode was triggered by what happened with Higgins?”
LJ blew out a breath. As much as he dreaded speaking of his emotional issues, the burn of embarrassment wasn’t as strong as it had been the few other times he’d opened up. Holly’s presence and supportive reaction made all the difference. The feel of her soft, sated body draped all over him kept him grounded and able to continue talking. “Sort of. The Navy had me see a therapist for a while.” He huffed out a laugh. “Fuck, I hated it.”
She gave him a small smile.
“But it did help. Helplessness seems to be my trigger. Like today, he fucking touched you, propositioned you, threatened you, and I was completely helpless to do a goddammed thing because he could and would have tossed both our asses in jail. I’m a man of action and being hobbled like that fucks with my head.” Talking about it again was enough to have his breathing growing ragged.
Holly pressed a kiss to his chest. “I think you’re incredible,” she whispered.
He snorted. Maybe she was the one who needed a therapist. Delusions such as finding him incredible couldn’t be healthy.
“You’re the one who’s amazing, Holly. One of the things I learned to combat the panic and prevent a full-blown episode if I feel it coming on is to use my senses to ground myself in reality. So I focus on things I can smell, or see, or touch…you get the picture. If I hear a song playing, I sing the words. If something is cooking, I focus on the scent. And my breathing, I always try to concentrate on the in and out to regulate my breaths. Noticing things happening in real-time can help keep me from getting pulled under. You couldn’t possibly know that, yet you had the instinct to touch me and talk to me.”
He pulled one of her hands to his lips, pressing a lingering kiss to her palm “Your sweet voice and your soothing touch made all the difference, sugar. Wasn’t the first time, either. The night that fucker Schwartz crashed the party at the clubhouse, I felt myself slipping. You grabbed my hand, and I focused on the feel of you. You’re my lifeline, baby.”
The admission should have terrified him, but instead, he felt lighter than he had in ages. As though he wasn’t quite so alone in carrying his burdens. He still bore the biggest and ugliest of them, but having Holly in his corner bolstered him in a way he wouldn’t have thought possible from a relationship.
Holly shimmied the rest of the way up his body until she ended up in the perfect position to kiss him. Which she did. Gentle and soothing. So in contrast to the wild way they came together moments ago. “Anytime, anywhere, LJ. You need me to be your rock, or to hold on to you, I’ll drop everything and come running as fast as I possibly can. Day or night.”
Day or night. She said it with a hint of knowledge. As though she’d begun to put two and two together and no longer questioned the fact he refused to spend the night with her. And once again, she accepted it.
Accepted him.
As is.
Fuck. He tangled his fingers in the back of her hair. “Nothing I’ve done in my life has led me to deserve you.” Not an exaggeration. She was just so damn good. He didn’t know a man alive deserving of all that was Holly. But he planned to hold onto her with two hands until she inevitably wised up.
“I don’t believe that for one second,” she whispered against his lips before she kissed him.
Considering the strength of the orgasm he’d had ten minutes ago, his cock should have been out of commission for the next week, but the press of Holly’s lips against his was all it took to have him springing erect once again.
He held her against him by the back of her head, devouring her mouth until she moaned in need. Finally, she tugged against his hold. When she met his gaze, her eyes were dazed, lips shiny and swollen. “You hear me, LJ? I don’t believe that garbage for one single second. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll believe you’re a good man.”
Then she winked and squirmed her way down his body. A few seconds later, the blistering heat of her mouth surrounded his cock, and LJ gave himself over to her care.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
“DOOR OPENS IN five. You excited?” Jazz asked as she joined Holly in the diner’s new To-Go section behind the counter.
“Does feeling like I’m about to vomit all over the food I spent hours creating mean I’m excited?” Holly asked as her stomach cramped. Jam-packed full of muffins, pastries, pies, and a few surprises Holly had worked on, the display case looked ready. More ready than Holly felt. After the roller-coaster ride Saturday turned out to be, she and LJ had laid low and hung out around their apartment Saturday evening and all day Sunday. After he’d realized he hadn’t used a condom, and had a minor freak out, they’d had the birth control-STD test conversation. Both were clean, and she was protected, so a big sigh of relief had been breathed all around. Once that business was out of the way, they’d ordered an extra-large pizza and garlic knots and made it last for a day and a half. The mellow end to the weekend was the perfect way to round out the stressful beginning.
And it only served to make her fall in deeper with LJ. A place she was loving.
Jazz threw back her head and laughed. “Give it a half-hour, girl, and you’ll have ’em lined up around the building.”
Her biggest fear hadn’t been customers disliking her food. Without bragging, she could honestly say all the items she’d prepared were delicious. She’d tested them on enough opinionated bikers and their women over the past week. No, lack of interest was her true concern. What if no more than a handful of customers strayed in during the five hours her counter would be open? Mortifying didn’t even come close to describing how she’d feel. It would be a dream-crushing scenario.
“If you say so,” she said, working to purge the negative thoughts.
“I do.” Jazz slung a slender arm around Holly’s shoulders. “Relax. The hard part is done. We came up with a great menu, marketed around town, and you baked your ass off. Now it’s time to have fun and enjoy success.”
Holly snorted. “I wish my ass would disappear with all this hard work.”
“Hey! That’s my woman’s ass you’re talking about. Happens to be one of my favorite parts of her body, so watch it.”
Holly’s jaw dropped. Before her stood LJ and a few of the guys he worked with at Rocket’s company. “How…I didn’t even hear the bell ring.”
“Snuck in the back,” LJ said as he leaned across the counter to give her a loud smooch. “Wanted to be your first customer.” With a glance at his utility watch, he said, “This place officially opens in five…four…three…two…one…now! All right, woman, I’m ready for you to serve me,” he said with a wink.
Holly chuckled. The bit of laughter came easier than speaking since he had her all choked up. The damn man was so good both to her and for her. If only he realized his worth. “Wh—” She cleared her throat, freeing the emotions lodged inside. “What can I get you, sir?”
“Oooh, sir, we may have to play with that bit more. Later.” Another wink.
The guys he was with snickered while Holly’s face heated. “Just tell me what you want,” she said with a roll of her eyes, but inside, her core tightened with need. LJ was too damn sexy for his own good. And if he wanted her to call him sir a time or two? She could get down with that. She’d pretty much be on board with anything he wanted to try if he kept doling out the kind of orgasms she’d been experiencing.
“You sure you want me to say it out loud?
”
Now her face was practically on fire. She was about to clarify with “Tell me what you want to eat,” but that would only encourage him. Instead, she rolled her eyes and pretended to be more miffed than she was. In truth, seeing LJ playful and lighter made her heart sore. Hopefully, it came from their conversation Saturday night. She imagined carrying around such a heavy secret weighed down his soul.
“All right, give me a large coffee, black,” he said as though she didn’t know exactly how he took his coffee. He also ordered an assortment of muffins and pastries for the guys at the job site. The men with him ordered their own breakfast, and by the time she’d checked them out, three people waited in line behind LJ.
Holly couldn’t hide her giddy smile.
“Kill it today, sugar,” LJ said as he blew her a kiss across the counter.
Holly was riding such a high already, she didn’t care who saw her, she grabbed the open edges of LJ’s cut, yanked him forward, and laid one hell of a kiss on him over the counter. Of course, she ended up leaving herself dazed as well.
“Better not be sending all your fucking customers off that way,” LJ said with a teasing growl. He winked and was gone, leaving her swooning.
The To-Go idea took off like it’d been shot out of a cannon. Not once in the three hours since opening did Holly have an interruption in the flow. Customers raved about her creations and promised to visit frequently, daily for some. She’d never made so much coffee in her life, and by ten-thirty when Jazz came to give her a much needed fifteen-minute break, she was more than ready for a hot minute of rest. Her fingers ached from hours of hitting the register buttons again and again, her feet screamed from the horrible kitten-heel shoe choice she’d gone with, and she’d burned herself no less than three times on the evil coffee machine. But she couldn’t remember a time she’d felt so satisfied with a day’s work and only a few hours had passed.
Just as she prepared to flee the counter, her mother appeared at the front of the line. “Mom!” Holly said on a gasp. “Wow, uh, hi. Can I get you anything?”
They hadn’t spoken since the night of the Hell’s Handlers party debacle. Holly had assumed her father requested her mom keep some distance until Holly either came to her senses or crashed and burned. While she’d be lying if she said she didn’t enjoy the absence of her doting mother breathing down her neck, she’d also be lying if she said she didn’t miss her. They’d gone from smothering to nothing in the blink of an eye. Somehow, they needed to learn to co-exist in the center zone.
Her mother perused the display cases and said, “I’d love a cappuccino and a banana crunch muffin, but I was also hoping to talk to you for a moment. Any chance you’ll be taking a break soon?”
Holly shot a quick glance at Jazz who nodded. “Um, yeah, I was just about to take fifteen minutes. Wanna grab a booth, and I’ll be there as soon as I hit the restroom?”
She took her time, giving herself a minute at the sink to gather her thoughts and anticipate what her mom would say. More likely than not, she came to plead a case for Holly’s father. If she bad-mouthed LJ, Holly wasn’t sure how she’d react, but she wouldn’t stand for it. Not here, in her new place of business owned by the ol’ lady of one of the Handlers.
As she left the restroom, she spotted her mother seated in a booth, picking at her muffin. Slender her whole life, Cynthia always seemed to be trying some new diet fad. Recently, low-carb had taken over their household so that poor muffin was liable to be ripped to shreds but never consumed.
“Hey, Mom,” she said as she slid in the seat across the table.
“Holly,” her mother replied with a warm smile. She reached across the table and laid her hand over Holly’s. “I’ve missed you.”
“Me too, Mom. I don’t like it when there is tension between us.”
Her mother sighed. “I know things between you and your father are strained right now…” With a sniff, she squeezed Holly’s hands.
“Mom…” Her voice cracked as she tried to keep her own emotions in check.
“I’m sorry, honey.” A tear spilled down Cynthia’s perfectly made-up cheek. “But I can’t bear the thought of losing another daughter. Holly, it would kill me.”
Of course her mother was afraid of losing Holly. She’d already suffered the unimaginable pain of having a child murdered. She loved her mother, truly loved her. Both of her parents. And taking a step back from them had her popping Tums. But they couldn’t go on this way. She couldn’t keep denying her own desires and putting her own life on hold because of guilt. They had to meet her halfway. Had to learn how to live without constant fear of any and every bad thing happening to Holly.
This unexpected heavy conversation was taking more energy than Holly had after the busy morning on her feet. Why, oh why, hadn’t she snagged herself a cup of coffee first? “Dad and I had an argument, mom. He doesn’t approve of some of my choices. We’ll work it out. Just give it some time.”
By now, that one tear had descended into full-on crying. “Can’t you just give us this one thing? Can’t you just walk away from this boy? You just met him. Just this one thing, Holly. For us. So we don’t lose you.”
Rubbing her sweaty palms on her denim skirt, Holly blew out a breath. She stared at the table. Like a coward. But what would she see if she raised her gaze. Pleading, begging, fear? “I can’t do that, Mom,” she whispered. “I have to start making my own choices. I have to be allowed to fail and maybe even experience some pain along the way.”
Even as they caused her stomach to hurt, the words had a freeing effect, and Holly finally found the strength to meet her mother’s watery gaze.
“I know that you’re an adult and you have every right to make your own choices, but…but, you have no idea how devastating it is to lose a child. No mother should have to go through that, and the thought of something happening to you now has your father and I obsessing over every decision you make. All we want is to keep you safe and protected at all times.”
“I love you and dad, and I understand why you feel the need to keep me in a bubble, but I can’t live there anymore.” No, she didn’t know what it was like to lose a child. Shattering would be how she’d guess such a loss would feel. But she did know the devastation of losing a sister. A twin. Basically, her other half. And she lost her before they had the chance to experience life together. Her parents seemed to forget that when consumed by their own grief. But Holly felt she handled the loss better than either of her parents ever had. They’d put her in therapy almost immediately after the funeral, but never took care of themselves in such a manner. Without a professional to help to move forward in a healthy way, they hadn’t moved forward at all. They were stuck twelve years back in time.
And they were trying to keep her back there with them.
She flipped her palm and squeezed her mother’s hand. “Mom, you can’t protect me at all times like you could when I was a child. That’s just not physically possible. I know it’s hard to hear, but it’s also important you understand reality. It’s time for me to have control over my own life, make my own friends, and go where I want without feeling like I have to keep you and dad apprised of every decision I make. That includes my dating life.”
Her mom’s eyes dulled. “Holly,” she began.
“Nuh-uh.” Holly lifted a hand. “LJ is not up for discussion unless you are genuinely interested in learning about him as a person and my relationship with him. I will not have the conversation with you about the evils of motorcycle clubs or how dangerous you think he is.”
Cynthia’s lips compressed into a thin line. Clearly, she didn’t approve of that mandate. But miracle of miracles, she didn’t push it. “You need to talk to your father.”
Holly nodded. “I will. When things cool down a little and when I’m ready. This disagreement is not as catastrophic as you think it is. Trust me, okay? We’ll mend our fences.”
Cynthia nodded but didn’t crack a smile or light back up. “You’re leaving me little choice, Ho
lly.”
“I know. And I’m sorry, but I think you and Dad will see this is better for all of us in the long run. I want you two to enjoy your lives as well. I want you to be free of constantly thinking about me and where I am, what I’m doing. You still have a lot of living to do, Mom. There’s a lot of fun to be had out there.” She gave her mom a tentative smile.
“Um, that kinda brings me to something else I wanted to ask you.”
It was then Holly realized Cynthia had torn her napkin into a crumbly pile of shreds on the table. Was she that nervous? The thought had Holly’s heart going out to her mom. Her goal here wasn’t to make her mother uneasy or anxious, just gently assert some long-overdue independence. “Sure, Mom, what is it?”
“I got these tickets to see that country singer you like. Carrie Underwood.”
Holly’s mouth dropped open. “Seriously?”
For the first time since the conversation began, Cynthia smiled. “Yeah, it’s in Knoxville in about a month.” She wrung her hands, and now it was Holly’s turn to reach across the table and comfort her mother. “I was hoping you’d come with me. A little mother-daughter thing. We can make a night of it and have breakfast with your brother while we’re there.”
“That sounds really nice, Mom. I’d love to.” And she meant it. Severing ties with her family wouldn’t bring her any contentment. Mending fences and moving forward with a healthier sense of boundaries would. Maybe this was the start of a new mother-daughter relationship where they could spend time together, enjoy each other’s company and share their lives without the burden of guilt, and without Holly needing to tell her parents where she was at all times.
Cynthia beamed and clapped her hands together once. Interlacing her fingers, she pressed her joined hands to her chest. “Oh, Holly, I’m thrilled. We’ll have so much fun.” She pulled out her phone. “Let me text you the date, so you won’t forget it.”
“Good idea, with how busy this morning has been my brain will be fried by the time I get out of here.” Fifteen minutes had flown by in an instant. Time to get back behind the counter.