by Atlas, Lilly
“Where’s LJ?” she asked as she continued to look around. He must be in the back or maybe the bathroom. God, had he had a panic attack?
Jazz gave her a sympathetic smile. “Um, he’s gone, Holly. I’m so sorry.” She kept her hands wrapped around her coffee mug as though she needed the warmth to infuse into her bones.
Holly got that. She felt cold as well, chilled to the core.
She stopped walking. “Gone? What do you mean gone? Did he go back to work?”
Both women shook their heads. Toni looked over her shoulder at Holly. “I’m not sure where he went. When he saw you walk out with your father, he got the wrong impression. He assumed you’d made your choice.”
This can’t be happening. “I did make my choice. I chose him. I’ll always choose him!” She closed the distance to their table.
With tears in her eyes, Jazz stood then wrapped Holly in a tight hug. “I’m so sorry honey, I tried to get him to stay, but he looked like he was close to snapping.”
“Did he say anything?” Holly asked, the words muffled by Jazz’s shoulder.
“Um…well…”
“Just say it.” How much worse could she feel than she already did?
“Uh…” Jazz’s voice dropped low. “He said, ‘Fuck it. No chick’s worth this shit.’ Then he left.”
Much worse.
Infinitely worse.
CHAPTER THIRTY
LJ HEFTED THE sledgehammer over his cramping shoulder then let the thing fly. The steel head crashed into the brick with a satisfying crunch and a powerful reverberation through his bunched forearms.
He did it again.
And again.
And again, until the brick fireplace he’d been tasked with demolishing had been reduced to a pile of rubble and he was a sweaty, dusty, exhausted mess. He’d been pushing the limit over the past few days. Working himself to the bone. Having a weary, aching body to tend to at the end of the day helped keep his mind occupied and off a certain curvy blonde.
Okay, that was utter crap. Nothing took his mind off Holly, but busting his ass until he hurt like a motherfucker seemed fitting punishment for breaking his rule and getting in too deep with the woman.
“Looks like some good fucking stress relief.”
“Huh?” LJ spun at Copper’s statement. “Prez? What are you doing here? You need me for something?”
“Nah.” Copper strode his large—almost as large as LJ’s—body into the remnants of the house LJ and Rocket were remodeling. His heavy boots crunched over bits of broken tile and drywall as he made his way over. “Just checking in.”
“What for?”
Copper raised a bushy red eyebrow. “Seriously?”
“Uh, yeah?” Sure, he’d been a bit tense the past few days, but he’d thought he’d been dealing with the split from Holly pretty well.
A lance of pain tore through his stomach. Shit, just the thought of her name had his gut in knots. There was a good chance he had a fucking ulcer.
“Let’s see, Rocket called you a ‘cranky fucker’ at least a dozen times—today. Zach said you’ve been a fucking dickass all week. Izzy told me she almost ripped your nuts off twice. And Mav said if someone didn’t shove an enema up your ass, he was gonna gut you with a switchblade to relieve the pressure.”
Oookay, so he hadn’t been hiding his shitty mood as well as he’d thought.
Message received.
“Sorry, prez, just dealing with some shit this week.”
“Yeah, brother. Think we all solved that mystery. Holly.” His president’s eyes fucking sparkled. Was he enjoying this?
LJ grunted. Holly. Fuck he missed her like he’d miss a blown off limb. Which coincidentally was how he’d felt when she’d walked out of that diner at her father’s side. Actually, it’d been worse than a lost limb. She’d ripped his fucking heart right out of his chest. It flopped to the floor and rolled out the door right after her.
Serious fucking pain.
Which led to the realization that he loved her.
He’d fallen the fuck in love with a woman.
Holly. A five-foot-five, walking wet dream who hardened his dick and inspired him to slay his own dragons with just one glance.
He fucking loved her, and she’d picked her family over him without so much as an apologetic backward glance in his direction.
“Heard she’s called you a few times this week.”
Another grunt. If Copper wanted more than an unintelligible sound, he needed to change the subject. Talk of Holly was off fucking limits. LJ swung the sledgehammer over his shoulder, preparing to take out the last of the remaining bricks.
“Also heard a few of the ol’ ladies have tried to talk to you about her, but you shut ’em down before they got two words out. Hence Izzy’s threats to your balls. Even my ol’ lady kept me up last night telling me what an idiot you are.”
With a sigh, LJ let the hammer fall to his side. “Look, Cop, no disrespect, I’m sorry I cut into your time with your woman, but is there a point to all this?”
Copper leaned against an exposed beam while he rubbed his chin. “Sure is. And you didn’t cut into shit. How do you think I got her to shut up about you?”
He wasn’t touching that one. “Well can you get to it already? I got shit to do here.”
“Yeah, breaking shit to relieve your foul mood since you don’t have a woman to fuck the sour outta you.”
Jesus, Copper didn’t pull any punches. “Way to hit me when I’m down, prez.”
With a chuckle, Copper straightened. “Stop being a stubborn ass and fucking call the woman.”
LJ lifted the hammer once again and this time slammed it down. The last of the remaining fireplace crumpled beneath the combined strength of LJ and the hammer. “Why the fuck would I do that? So I can hear her tell me how sorry she is? How much she cares for me, but her father is blood, and how can she walk away from that? How she’ll always cherish our time together?” He snorted. “No fucking thanks.”
With a laugh, Copper said, “Always cherish our time together? You watch too many movies, brother. No, you pull that giant hairless head out of your ass and call the woman because you owe it to her.” He narrowed his eyes at LJ, that laser look telling him Copper knew more than he let on. Like he somehow knew Holly had been healing him, making him whole again. How she’d been selfless and willing to stick by him despite his many issues.
Or so she’d said.
“You ever think maybe you jumped the gun? Left the diner too early? Ran and cut off communication prematurely?” Copper shot him a wicked grin as he kicked some bricks out of his way. “Hope that’s all you do prematurely or else I’ll hide Holly away from you myself.”
“A joke, seriously?”
Copper shrugged. “Shit’s too serious. You need to fucking chill.”
Jumped the gun? What did that even mean? “You know something, Cop?”
Of course, he knew something. He had an ol’ lady, and his ol’ lady was all kinds of close with Holly and the other women. Gossip was a competitive sport to those ladies. Hence why he’d refused to speak with any of them about Holly all week.
“I might. Don’t mean I’m gonna tell you shit.” He fucking smirked, the asshole. “You need to unfuck your head and stop trying to sabotage yourself. If you can’t do that, then you sure as fuck don’t deserve that girl.” He slapped the back of LJ’s shoulder. “Church in three hours. Take a fuckin’ break, brother. It’s the weekend for Christ’s sake. Go for a ride to clear your head.”
Copper left as quietly as he came.
“Fuck it,” he said out loud. Maybe Cop was right, and he needed to clear his head instead of tear shit down. Three hours was long enough to get a good ride in, shower, and make it to the clubhouse in time for church. After cleaning the demo mess and stowing his equipment in the portable shed on-site, he hopped on his bike.
For a solid hour, LJ cruised through the mountains, replaying every conversation with Holly that took place in the few d
ays prior to her father throwing down the gauntlet. Maybe he’d missed something, some indication Holly wanted out. Some hint she wasn’t happy with him or wanted to walk away.
He didn’t come up with a damn thing. But what he did realize, was he may have fucked up in a major way. He’d practically begged Holly to walk away from him, and she’d flat out refused. She’d stuck by his side despite him being unable to make her any promises about the future.
As doubt regarding the way he’d ignored all contact from Holly over the past week set in, LJ pulled off to the side of the deserted country road. Christ, he never thought he’d be doing something like this. With a sigh, he pulled out his phone and dialed the number he’d memorized over the past week and change.
“Hey there, Jack. You need help?” came the greeting after just one ring. Bax had turned out to be opposite of every therapist LJ had ever encountered. Big, bearded, tatted, and with jet black hair that fell halfway down his back, the guy looked like he belonged on a bike next to LJ rather than a couch taking notes.
“Not the kind you mean, but I could use some if you have a few minutes.” Each time they had a session via FaceTime, Bax had made LJ promise to call any time day or night if he was struggling.
This fucking counted.
“Think I mighta fucked shit up with Holly.”
Instead of telling LJ that giving out relationship advice didn’t exactly fall under his job description as a PTSD therapist, he asked, “How so?”
As he stared at the gorgeous Smoky Mountains rising through the clouds, LJ spilled his guts about everything that had happened at the diner that horrible day. “I was so fucking pissed when her father led her out of the diner. I shut her out. After she called and texted a few times, I blocked her number. Told our mutual friends not to mention her. And apparently, I’ve been a miserable fuck all week.”
With a chuckle, Bax said, “Happens to the best of us, man.”
“Had a visit from my club’s president today. He said something I haven’t been able to shake from my head.”
“What’s that?” A rustle of paper sounded in the background, similar to the sound that accompanied Bax flipping open a new page in his notebook. The guy was nothing if not a goddammed note-taker.
“Said I needed to stop sabotaging myself.”
“Huh,” Bax said. “And what—”
“Fuck, if you ask ‘what that makes me feel,’ I’m gonna lose my shit.”
With a laugh, Bax said, “Have I asked you that once? Come on, buddy, think you know me better by now. I make it a point to never ask that question. I was gonna say what do you think he meant by that?”
LJ fell quiet, and as usual, Bax waited without prodding him along. The therapist always gave LJ the time he needed to formulate his thoughts. “Dunno,” he said. “I’ve been out riding for an hour trying to come up with an answer.”
“Mind if I take a stab at it?”
“Called you for a reason, didn’t I?”
Bax grunted. The man really would fit in with LJ’s brothers. “We’ve only been at this a short while, but we’ve crammed a lot of sessions in that time. You’re doing well, LJ. Progressing. Digging through issues I know you’d rather peel your own skin off than examine. All for Holly. All for a chance at a life with her. A chance to sleep next to your woman at night.”
“And?” None of this was new information. Somehow, LJ managed to keep his voice level though the mention of Holly’s name and the image of himself wrapped around her all night had his heart squeezing with pain. Fuck, he missed her.
“And every inch of progress means you’re closer to that reality. Which is scary as shit, especially given what happened the one time you fell asleep with her. You’re running scared, and it’s understandable and not at all unexpected.”
A hawk flew overhead. The ultimate symbol of freedom. A feeling LJ only came close to capturing when he was on his bike. Or when he was inside Holly, watching her spiral into ecstasy. “But I want it. I want her and I want to be able to fucking sleep with her. It’s all I can think about. Why would I purposefully fuck that up?”
“It’s not purposeful,” Bax said. “Not intentional, or even conscious. Think of it like a defense mechanism of your subconscious. Your mind is trying to protect itself from the very real anxiety and very real risk you’ll soon have to take the next time you try to sleep with Holly. If she’s not there, if you run from her, you don’t have to take that risk. And there’s no chance of failure.”
And that, right there, hit the nail straight into the heart of the issue LJ hadn’t even realized was an issue. But now it crashed down on him like that brick fireplace he’d torn apart. “Shit, Bax, what if I go through all this, what if I fucking spill my guts out to you for months and work on fixing all this shit only to hurt her one night? Isn’t it better to let her go now than to give her hope and destroy us both later?”
“It’s always a possibility, Jack.”
“Well, fucking thanks. That’s just what I needed to hear, asshole.”
Not once had Bax seemed offended when LJ mouthed off to him. This time was no different. The other man just laughed and said, “Told you when we started this, I wouldn’t blow smoke up your skirt, man. Gonna give it to you real. Now, by the time you and I both think you’re ready to try again, the possibility of something happening will be minuscule. I can promise you that. You’re making progress. You’ll start having fewer and fewer nightmares. I’ve seen it many times.”
LJ scrubbed a hand down his face. He had to get rolling if he wanted to make it to church on time. “I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable even giving it a shot unless I’d been nightmare free for at least three months.” Never before had he gone that long. Never had he gone longer than thirty days, and even that amount of time had only happened once or twice.
“I think setting a goal like that is a solid idea. Gives you something to strive for, a measurable count of success. So, let’s go with that. You go nightmare free for ninety days, then you give yourself to your girl for the entire night. Sound good?”
LJ grunted. “Gotta get the girl back first, don’t I?”
Another laugh. This guy was having too much fun on LJ’s dime. “Yeah, guess that’s kind of an integral part of the plan.”
“Ninety days, Jesus. Think she’ll go for it?”
“Brother, if you can manage to get her back, I know she will.”
Right. Get back the woman he wasn’t a hundred percent certain still wanted him.
Nothing to it.
First step in Operation Get Holly Back involved pulling his head out of his ass as Copper unsubtly suggested. He searched his contacts for someone he’d been ignoring almost as much as he’d shunned Holly the past few days.
“LJ?” Jazz answered, sounding shocked by his call.
“Hey, Jazzy. Can you do me a favor?”
“Maybe.” The surprise was gone, and all that remained was sass and attitude. Another time it would have pissed him off, but his lips quirked. Holly had herself some good and loyal girlfriends.
“Need you to tell me, Jazz.”
“Ahh,” she said. “You mean you want to know what really happened last week? Not what your stupid man brain turned it into?”
“Something like that.”
“Glad you finally woke the fuck up.”
Leave it to Jazz to hand him his ass worse than Copper. “I’m wide awake, Jazzy.”
“All right, then.”
As she filled him in on what happened when Holly returned, LJ realized he didn’t need anyone to hand him his ass. He’d kick his own ass halfway across the country for being such a dumb shit.
“Thanks, Jazz,” he said when she finished her tale.
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m gonna get my fucking woman back,” he said.
Then I’m gonna tell her I love her and make it so she never wants to leave.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
HOLLY SHOULDN’T HAVE eaten that scone.
For sure, she should have skipped the muffin she hadn’t been remotely hungry for. Stress eating only worked if severe nausea wasn’t likely to occur from said stress.
And Holly was so nauseated, she might never eat again.
As she stood outside the brick sheriff’s station, she had to fight the urge to flee. Instead, she forced herself to pull the door open and step inside the quiet lobby.
“Oh, Holly, dear, how wonderful to see you! It’s been a while,” Marjorie said, all smiles and blissful ignorance as to the shambles of the father-daughter relationship between her boss and Holly.
“Hi, Mrs. B, uh, Marjorie. Great to see you too.”
“There you go, dear, I knew you’d get it at some point.” With a wink, she grabbed her oversize handbag and shuffled from behind her desk. “I’m running out to grab a late lunch. Been quiet around here today. Your father is in the conference room with a few of his deputies. Some hush-hush stuff going on in there. You can knock, though. He told me he’d always make time for you no matter what.”
No matter what. Ha. What a joke.
“Thanks, Marjorie. Enjoy your lunch.”
“Why, thank you, dear.” Marjorie patted the side of Holly’s arm as she passed. “Let your daddy know I’ll be back in an hour.”
“Will do.”
Once she was alone in the front lobby, Holly let out a breath. Whether or not this was a mistake would be revealed shortly, but the pit in Holly’s stomach didn’t seem a positive way to begin. She hadn’t spoken a word to either of her parents since the day her father raided diner.
She hadn’t spoken to LJ either.
Difference was, she’d reached out to LJ a number of times where she’d been ignoring all communication from her family. Even her brother’s calls weren’t given an answer. She loved Daniel, but he was a cop like her father, and if he planned to try to soften her attitude toward her parents, she wanted no part of it.
Today was her Hail Mary pass. The one move she’d make to repair the damage before she accepted the fact that, yes, her parents planned to write her out of their lives. Over and over she’d rehearsed what she planned to say.