“Did you use the handcuffs on her?” She raises a pierced eyebrow, and I indulge her.
“No. They were in the shop.”
“Did you fuck her in the back of your cruiser?”
“Not enough room for my long cock.”
She rolls her eyes as I smirk. “Keep dreaming. Natalia. Her name is kind of frou-frou.”
I scowl as I lean against the hall entrance and cross my arms. “Anything else?”
“You saved her life.”
“It’s my job.”
“No way. Not with that sappy look in your eyes. Ugh, Dylan. After that dumpster fire Audrey, you did it again.”
“Did what?”
“You fucking fell in love with her, didn’t you?”
Looking at the carpet, I close my eyes. “Yeah, Jordan. I thought she was my…”
“Ride or die?”
“Everything.”
“Damn, McGrath.” Jordan grabs cleaning wipes from the kitchen and scrubs my phone before handing it back to me. “Here. Maybe call and tell her off.”
“I already did that in person. I blocked her number, anyway. His too.”
“Well, you can’t sit here and wallow forever. We should go out tonight.”
“I have to work in the morning.”
“I’m so sorry, Grandpa. Okay, then. I’m staying with my woman tonight. Have fun, pouting.”
“Sure.” Jordan goes to her room, and I check my messages. None. It’s not like I’m surprised since I blocked her, but I’m going crazy.
Desperate to end this perpetual moping, I see there’s a text from Audrey, asking how I’m doing. Biting the bullet, I tell her I’m in Richmond.
“Are you kidding? Can we meet? Now?”
Swiping my hand over my face, I sigh. I have to move forward, even if it means falling back. “Yeah. But I’m staying with Jordan, so it’ll have to be somewhere else.”
“Right. Come over to my place. I picked up Chinese. I’ll share it with you.”
Audrey includes her new address, and as I pass Jordan in the hall, I say, “Have a good night, Jay.”
“Have fun, watching Friends.”
I scowl. “I’ll stick with Forensic Files.”
“Figures. Don’t go too crazy, Dyl.”
“I’ll try not to,” I mutter as she picks up her keys and phone.
When she leaves the apartment, I take a quick shower and head over to Audrey’s, near downtown but in a nicer area than my apartment above Deedle’s. I refused to go back there because it’d be more depressing this time around.
Sitting in my car in the parking lot of Audrey’s apartment complex, desolation slams me. I’ve tried to avoid it, keeping busy at work and the gym. I swore Talia loved me enough not to fuck around with someone else, especially Prescott. Though we weren’t together long, I was positive she was the one. Nothing makes sense. I miss Talia, and I can’t sleep or eat. At night, I leave my phone in the kitchen, so I don’t add her number back, hoping she’ll call me or I’ll break and call her. Pitiful, but I’m close to doing it.
Sighing, I climb the stairs and walk across the balcony to number four. Standing at the door, the urge to run back to my car floods me, and I take some calming breaths as I check my surroundings. Always a cop now, even without my Glock on me. It shouldn’t be this fucking hard for me. Audrey was my first love, the woman I lost my virginity to. Maybe I’m wrong and should give Audrey another try. At least she never cheated on me.
Whispering to myself, “Calm the fuck down,” I knock as I watch an elderly woman walking her dog through the parking lot. Before turning back to the door. It swings open, and I hear a gasp, making me whip my head around. Audrey gawks at me, and I think I do the same. She lightened her hair, it’s longer, and she’s wearing more makeup than I remember.
She stutters, “Dylan, is that you? Holy shit.”
“Uh, what?” I notice her watermelon-colored button-up shirt opened at her neck, her favorite color.
“You look…different.”
“Those donuts,” I say with a smirk I don’t feel.
“Come in.” Audrey ushers me into her vanilla-scented living room. She always loved that smell, and it’s a painful déjà vu. “Wow,” she says, still looking me over. “You’re not the Dylan McGrath I knew.”
“I’m pretty sure I am.”
“No, I mean, you are, just…” Audrey unexpectedly hugs me, and the smell of her hair stings more than the vanilla. Her fingers drag along my back, and she whispers, “I’m so glad to see you.”
“Same here.”
When Audrey pulls away, she clears her throat and then smiles. “Uh, we can eat.”
“Sure.” Not hungry.
She nods toward the kitchen, and I follow. Cartons of Chinese food clutter the counter. Opening the refrigerator, Audrey says, “They’re all our old favorites. I never order anything else.”
“Oh. Cool.” Oh. Damn.
As I sit on a stool, Audrey hands me a bottle of tea, the same kind we used to drink. She giggles. “I guess I haven’t changed all that much.”
I motion to her head. “Your hair is different.”
“Well, everything about you is different. Your hair is lighter too. It must be the California sun.”
“Yeah.” We immediately fall back into old habits of what we’d put on our plates.
Picking at her food, Audrey says, “You’re still not as talkative as you used to be.”
“Somewhat.”
She laughs, and I finally crack a smile.
“I can’t believe you’re here. In Richmond. In my apartment.”
“Yeah. Me neither.”
“Are you here for a visit?” Audrey asks, glancing at me and then back to her General Tso as she balances it in her chopsticks. I gave up on those years ago.
“Nope. I’m here to stay.” I poke at a spring roll with my fork, letting those words sink in.
“You didn’t like being back in California? You have family there, too.”
“I like Virginia. I missed Jordan.”
She nods. “I’m sure she loves me.”
“No.” I laugh, making Audrey pout.
“I can’t believe you’re a cop. Should I call you Officer McGrath?”
“Please don’t.”
“I’m kind of shocked to see you’ve stuck with it. You never talked about being a police officer.”
“Why wouldn’t I? It’s not a dead-end job.”
“Do you like it?”
“I love it. I was meant for this.”
“Shit. You are different.”
“Not really. I’m still the same guy you dumped outside of Best Buy.”
Audrey sighs as she sets down her chopsticks. “I’m sorry. I overreacted. I thought I was…”
“So, you dumped the probable father of your child because it terrified you?”
“Of course, it would’ve been yours. I needed you to be ready, but you weren’t, and you lacked ambition.”
I set down my fork, regretting we’re rehashing this shit again. “You lacked empathy.”
“I tried to understand! It terrified me! If I had gotten pregnant and you didn’t up your game, then it would’ve been all on me to take care of a child!”
“I wouldn’t have done that, Audrey! I would’ve gone to Ricky since he had offered to help me two years ago!”
Audrey narrows her eyes, and I realize I fucked up. “Whoa. You could’ve been a cop sooner?” I don’t answer as I glare at her. “I wouldn’t have broken up with you, Dylan.”
“Because your love depended on whether or not I had a better job? That’s just great.” I laugh but would rather throw something. I stand, leaving my half-eaten dinner. “Well, this was enlightening. I need to go before my battered ego gives up, and I join a traveling carnival. Anyway, I’ll see you around. Don’t speed because my FTO won’t let me give you a warning. Thanks for dinner.”
Shaking my head and fighting another fit of rage or desolation, I walk to the door, and Audrey squeals, “Wait!�
�� She cuts me off and blocks me. “I’m sorry. I was wrong to say that. Don’t leave.”
“But it’s the damn truth. What are you really sorry about? Breaking up with me kicked my ass into gear. If you want to bash me for my slow timetable, then fine. But don’t pin me as a complete loser, Audrey. I didn’t know what I wanted, unlike you. You had your shit together, which made a big fucking difference. And maybe I wasn’t motivated, but all you did was condemn me for it.”
Audrey grabs my hand, and I look down at her, rubbing my fingers. “Dylan, I didn’t realize how much I hurt you.”
“You did. Did you ever think that maybe I could’ve broken up with you?”
Her hand slackens as shock erupts over her face. “You thought about it?”
“Every damn time you shamed me.”
“I’m sorry. Sit with me. Please?”
I glance over at the couch, which is obviously new. “If all you’re going to do is dwell on shit I didn’t do, then no.”
“I won’t.” She tugs me to the couch, where she turns toward me as I reluctantly sit. “Did you want to watch TV? There may be Cops reruns still on.” I frown, which makes her smile. “Is that a no?”
Audrey grasps my arm to resituate herself, and she gasps. I ask, “What?”
“You have muscles.”
“I did before.”
“Not this edition.” I roll my eyes, but she doesn’t let go of my arm. “Are you seeing anyone?”
I almost answer wrong. “No.”
“I’m shocked. You’re handsome.”
“I had a girlfriend.”
“You did?” Audrey asks, sounding sad, and I frown back at her.
“What’s the problem?”
“I’ve been single, Dylan.”
“Well, she cheated on me, so it doesn’t matter.”
“I don’t want to see you…hurting.”
I’m more bitter than I want to be. “Yeah. I’ve been down that road before, but we can’t always get what we want. Right?”
Audrey’s hand goes to my jaw, and she smiles. “If you give me another chance, I think we could get it right this time.”
“Shit, Audrey. I didn’t come here to get back together with you. I don’t have it in me to care about anything or anyone, especially you.” When tears fill her eyes, I sigh. “I didn’t mean for it to come out that way.”
“I made such a huge mistake with you. Please say you forgive me for breaking your heart.”
I try to escape her grasp, but she holds me tighter. Unable to fight anymore, I sigh. “I forgive you.”
Before I realize what’s happening, Audrey leans closer and kisses me. Her lips are familiar but bittersweet, and it seeps into my brain, spreading as I half-heartedly engage. The push and pull temper me as Audrey’s kiss heightens, and she puts her arms around my neck, but I remain passive.
But the more she kisses me, the more it numbs my sadness, and I overpower her lips as I sit up. She moans and then shifts, leaving my mouth to whisper, “I missed you, Dylan.” I can’t make eye contact with her as my heart hammers, hearing those words from Audrey and not…I don’t respond, but she asks, “Remember our first time? We did it twice in an hour. You were so good from the start. I want that fire again with you.”
Not needing her to remind me of the bitter in the sweet, I kiss Audrey to shut her up. I don’t want to remember. While my head and heart inhabit this realm of detachment, I couldn’t give a shit what the rest of me does to scrape by.
Audrey’s hands glide over my arms and then drop to my thigh. Though I kiss her, I can’t bring myself to go further. I thought I was numb, but maybe I’m frozen. After kissing for a short while, Audrey moves her hand to my groin, lightly dragging her fingers over the denim. When she leaves my mouth, Audrey leans her forehead against mine and whispers, “I don’t want a one-night stand with you.”
“Then, what do you want from me?” I can hardly do the bare minimum.
“I want to show you how much I love you.” She kisses my neck and claws at my fly, but the only thing I feel is alarm. Without thinking, I push her hand away. Audrey sits back. “What’s wrong?”
“I can’t do this with you.”
She slowly nods. “Okay. Is it your ex? Did you sleep with her?”
“Look. I’m not ready to talk about her or have sex with you again. I thought I could, but I can’t. For now, this is all I can offer. And I don’t even know what this is.”
“I’ll give you time.” She attempts to kiss my cheek, but I move.
“I’m sorry. I need to leave.”
I stand, and she grabs my arm. “Can I see you tomorrow? I can meet you for lunch. I’d love to see you in uniform.”
“I’m off tomorrow.”
“If Jordan still works during the day, I’ll bring you a club sandwich for lunch. You always liked those.” I nod. Audrey crosses her arms, looking as sad as I’ve felt for a month. I kiss her cheek and leave in a rush.
Chapter 31
I open the window above the couch, the third window I’ve opened since waking. It’s May but feels like July, and Jordan won’t turn on her air conditioning until June first. Her apartment is ground level, and I see people walking past and hear a few complain about the heat.
Flipping on the living room ceiling fan to high, the door opens, and Jordan throws her bag on the floor. I ask, “What the hell are you doing here? Don’t you work today?”
“Damn, boy. Are you planning a party? Don’t, by the way. I don’t want strangers all over my shit.” She tosses her keys on the counter and says, “I’m heading out soon. Any more questions?”
“Oh.” I glance at the clock. “Do you need the shower, then?”
“No. I already took one. I forgot some shit. No scrubs, and if you mention TLC, I’ll stab you with my car key. It wasn’t the funny the first fifty times.”
“You also forgot to turn on the air. I just got back from the gym. I’m fucking sweating.”
“We still have ten days left in this month. Not happening.”
“Haven’t you heard of global warming?”
“Haven’t you heard of get your own damn apartment?”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Do you need me to lick you dry? Because I totally will!” she yells as I go down the hallway. Looking over my shoulder, I shoot her a look that makes her giggle.
Taking a cool shower, I stay in there, thinking about Audrey and what getting back with her would mean. I don’t know if I can go back there. She’s right, though. We were each other’s first everything and were on fire once, but the fire died long before she dumped me. I don’t know if I want to rekindle it.
Putting on a gray tank and blue basketball shorts, I hear Jordan talking. It’s nothing unusual, though. If she isn’t talking to me, she’s usually yapping on the phone or to herself. Running my hands through my hair, I flick water onto the mirror, which will piss her off. As I wipe it off with my towel, I hear another muffled voice. Shit. Audrey’s early. Jordan will tear her apart.
“Well, here he comes now,” Jordan drawls as I leave the bathroom and enter the living room. I’m prepared to defend Audrey since I know Jordan’s eager to maim her.
When I emerge from the hallway, I see Jordan but not Audrey. Jordan says, “Dylan McGrath, why didn’t you tell me you were dating this gorgeous Black queen? I mean, she could be a model! Damn you!”
Jordan continues complaining about me harboring secrets and comparing me to highway construction, I think. Talia rises from the couch, looking anxious while I stand, frozen. We stare at each other, and Jordan jumps up. “Dylan, say something, you jackass!”
But Talia says, “It’s okay. I don’t want him to talk. Just listen.”
“Why should I?” I ask, annoyed, making Jordan punch my arm.
“Because I don’t want to leave things how we did.”
“You ripped out my heart. How do you think I’d leave things?”
“Please, let me explain.”
Jordan crosse
s her arms, looking from her to me, eager to hear our conversation. Peeved, I say, “Jordan, go to work.”
“You’re not the boss of me, McGrath. And I deserve to hear the whole story.”
“It doesn’t have a happy ending. Just go.”
“Maybe I should call your parents. I bet they’d be happy to see Natalia.” When I glare at her, she squeals, “They don’t know about her, either? Are you ashamed? Listen here, dick lick, if you—”
“I’ll give you twenty bucks to shut the hell up.”
“I’m no wishing well or stripper. You can’t just throw money my way and expect me to grant your wish or dance at your whim.”
Talia asks, “Please, Jordan? He’ll tell you everything later.”
“We’ll see about that.” Jordan throws another jagged look at me, but I ignore her as I cross my arms and lean against the wall, confused and impatient.
“Fine.” Jordan picks up her keys, purse, lunch bag and then points at me. “You’d better spill your guts later before I spill them for you. Toss me into the back of your unit or whatever you call it. You don’t scare me. I’ll kick you in your red-and-blue balls for an extra treat.”
“Goodbye, Jordan,” I say, my patience beyond worn.
“Kiss my ass,” she mutters, slamming the door.
Before Talia says anything more, I ask, “How’d you find me?”
“You have your resources. I have mine. Ricky told Grant. Lynn asked Grant. Lynn told me. It was a coast-to-coast effort.”
“I need to punch my brother-in-law.”
“I didn’t know your best friend, Jordan, was a woman. I almost lost it when she answered the door. I mentioned I was your ex-girlfriend, and she pulled me through the door and told me she’s not into your dick or any other. She was mostly shocked to see me as I was her. I like Jordan.”
“She’s a barrel of rabid kittens. Okay. Why are you here?”
“You never answered my call or texts. I’m guessing you blocked me?”
“So, you flew all the way out here? I’m sure you could’ve found a way around it.”
“I’m taking it you blocked Tristan too?”
I frown. “You come here and throw his name in my face? Nice.”
“I persuaded him to call you.”
“I’m sure you did.”
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