by Liz Isaacson
“Amber trains them now,” Adele said.
“Yeah, I know,” Cache said. “But you did. And you started this program everyone thought was crazy, but it wasn’t. Anyway, there’s this thing called cow cuddling. People come out to the ranch, and they get to…spend time with the cattle. I’ve been teaching them to lay down and let me ‘cuddle’ into them.” He made air quotes around the word cuddle, and Sissy glanced around to see if she was being tricked.
“And people pay for this,” she said.
“Yeah,” he said.
“They pay a lot,” Amber said. She turned her phone toward Sissy.
“Three hundred dollars?” Sissy abandoned her food then to take the phone from Amber. “A new wellness trend.” She read, her eyes not able to move fast enough. “Two people. Ninety minutes. Fascinating.” She handed the phone back to Amber. “And we want to do this at Last Chance Ranch?”
“Yes,” Adele and Cache said at the same time. “It brings in money for the ranch, and people learn about what we do here. We can send them over to volunteer, or to adopt animals, and they get to learn about cattle.”
“They brush them down,” Cache said. “I teach them a little about the cows. They get to pet them, play with them, and cuddle—if they want.”
Sissy had no idea what to say. “And you need money to start? Is that why you need to talk to me?”
“We need an account, yes,” Cache said. “We’ve already got registrations. But we need an account set up for us, and we’ll put in a budget, all of that.”
Sissy smiled at him, at his nervous energy. She’d never seen Cache anything but confident in his work or laughing with his friends. This new side of him was fun to see. “You have no idea what ‘all of that’ means, do you?”
“No clue,” he said with a grin.
Sissy and the others laughed. She said, “Come over to my office whenever. I’ll get you what you need, and we’ll go over it.”
“Great.” He beamed at her, and everyone got up to leave. Lunch was clearly over. No one else had come after her, and she didn’t want to be the uncool kid left at the table while everyone else went out to recess.
She hadn’t finished, but she could eat at her desk as easily as she could at a table in a sweltering backyard. So she got up too, gathered her utensils, and started back toward her office.
“Can we talk?” Dave asked, falling into step beside her.
She jumped, surprised at his sudden appearance, seemingly out of nowhere. “You scared me.”
“Sorry,” he said. “I was just waiting for you to finish your conversation.”
Sissy looked up at him, trying to figure out what was going on. “You talk.”
He obviously didn’t like that, because a frown pulled across his features. Sissy cared, but not enough to say anything.
He said he’d come see her at lunch and didn’t? He could start the conversation.
Chapter 18
Dave tried to quell the raging storm in his chest, but nothing he did worked. “I don’t want to go to San Diego, because I’m not ready to meet your mother.”
“You’ve already met my mother.” Sissy could really stride in those heels, even across grass. She possessed some sort of superpower, in Dave’s opinion, to be able to walk in shoes like that at all.
She reached the road and paused, looking up at him. “Why don’t you just tell me what’s really going on?”
“There’s nothing going on,” he said in a burst. “That’s just it, Sissy. There’s nothing going on.”
They’d talked and talked and talked. About kids. About adoption. About waiting too long. About family. About everything.
Dave was done talking.
He wasn’t quite sure when he’d reached that decision, but that was where he’d found himself that morning when she’d oh-so-casually mentioned the picnic at her mother’s place—in five days.
Sissy stared at him for a moment longer, and he thought his heart would crack right in half. She had nothing to say either?
She turned and marched down the road, silent and sure, the way she did everything. Dave wasn’t sure if he should go after her or call this the end. He really didn’t want to do that though, so he jogged after her and caught up to her.
“Look,” he said, calmer and in a gentler tone. “Sissy, can you wait?” He reached out and touched her arm.
She froze, her glare hot and angry.
Dave fell back a step, unsure of what to do now. “Look,” he said again, the words building beneath his tongue. “I’m in love with you, okay?” He exhaled like being in love was a horrible thing to be. “I love you. And I’m just—so frustrated that I’m here again, when you’re obviously not, and I don’t want to go to your mother’s and pretend like we’re okay when we’re obviously not.”
He breathed, the load he’d been carrying around with him for weeks suddenly gone.
“I love you too,” she said, and Dave’s eyes flew to hers. Her voice sounded tinny and far away, and tears gathered in her eyes.
He shook his head. “No, sweetheart. You don’t. You love the idea of me. The idea of us. Like, oh it’s so great I got my second chance.” The bitterness crept into his voice and his soul, and he didn’t like it. Pushed against it.
“The thing is, Sissy, I know what being loved by you feels like.” He gestured between the two of them. “And this isn’t it.”
That was the raw truth, and he hated how it sounded, but it was what it was. True.
She did want a family. A husband. But at the same time, she didn’t.
Dave felt himself falling, much the same way he had when she’d broken up with him the first time. The difference now was, he was going to be the one to end things with her.
Give her a way out.
That was the thought that had been in his mind since the rodeo, since he’d known he was in love with her all over again. She might be content running on the hamster wheel and kissing him whenever she felt like it.
But he wasn’t.
He wanted more. He wanted her to commit to him. Run to him instead of away from him. Take him home to show him off because she loved him, not because she wanted to prove something to her sister and her mom.
Tears splashed her face, and Dave wanted to wipe them away. Kiss it all better. Promise her forever.
Instead, he said, “I think we both know we’re done.” He waited for her to contradict him, but she didn’t. She just stood there, crying, Then she nodded, turned, and walked away from him.
Dave watched Sissy drive off the ranch a couple of hours later. He couldn’t see her face, and he hated that he was skulking in the shadows near the chicken coop—mostly because the smell there wasn’t great, especially in the near-July heat.
He’d done a few chores in the llama barn after he’d ended things with Sissy, and then he’d taken up a post to make sure he knew when she was gone.
Relief and disappointment married inside him, and they created odd bedfellows. He felt upside down when he was right-side up, but he managed to get back to his cabin. He stood in the living room, looking around, his thoughts spinning out of control.
Should he leave? Would she quit? Or could they go back to the way it had been for the two years they’d worked together and never spoken to one another?
In all honestly, Dave thought Sissy would run again, so when she didn’t show up for work the next day, he wasn’t all that surprised. Of course, it was a Saturday, but she didn’t text him or ask him to come down for lunch or a quick trip to some shop she wanted to visit. They spent weekends together, doing things in Pasadena and attending church, walking around the ranch and sharing their lives.
But that weekend, he spent his Saturday catching up on chores he hadn’t done the day before, and his Sunday alone on the bench in the chapel. He didn’t see Sissy, and he knew she’d left town. Gone to her mother’s for the Tuesday holiday, and Dave didn’t think she’d be back.
He wanted to go ask Scarlett, but he didn’t want to be t
hat guy. So he kept his head down and disappeared inside his cabin after church, ignored the text for lunch on Monday, and went to set up for the Fourth of July picnic the way he’d agreed to do.
The activity around the ranch, as well as the jovial mood, helped to lift him out of the funk he’d fallen into. He’d been here before; he knew what to do.
Keep breathing in and out. Try to stop thinking about Sissy, and where Sissy had gone, and if she’d posted on her social media. That way, at least he’d be able to stop obsessing over her for at least a couple of days.
Then he’d have to check again.
Today, he knew she was in San Diego, at her mother’s. Probably eating potato salad and hot dogs, like most of the rest of the country. Like he’d be doing in about an hour.
He kept breathing. He got the tent set up, and chairs put at the tables. He carried what Scarlett told him to carry, and he bowed his head while Carson said grace.
He loaded his plate with food and sat beside Cache and Lance while Sawyer held his baby so Jeri could eat first. Soon enough, he passed Brayden to Jeri, and Sawyer filled a plate with a burger and chips, salads and dips and fruit, as if he hadn’t eaten in weeks.
Dave attempted to be present, and he thought he did a decent job. Forever Friends had sponsored a huge fireworks display at the church at the bottom of the bluff, and they had several employees there to do dog and cat adoptions.
He helped load animals into carriers and trucks to be taken down to the event, and he saw Lance flirting with Amber as they set up tables for food and adoption paperwork. Kaylee was obviously a distant memory, and Dave knew Amber had broken up with the volunteer.
And now it looked like Lance wasn’t going to miss his chance. Normally, Dave would’ve been happy for the usually shy, reserved cowboy, and Dave did feel happy for him.
He also had an incredible, raging river of jealousy flowing through him. So strongly, he actually paused and watched Lance touch her hand and pull back, a smile on his face, trying to remember how to breathe.
Spinning away, he set down the cat carrier in his hand and walked away. He wanted to run, the way Sissy always seemed to be able to do. Pack a bag, load up in his truck, and just go. Desperation filled his throat, and he clenched his teeth to keep his anger from exploding out in a yell.
Why did this have to happen again? he asked God, desperate to know the answer. Desperate to know if he’d just been hung up on the wrong woman for his entire life. The thought felt false, and he remembered all the good times they’d had going to church together.
“Then why can’t this work out like it does in the movies?” he whispered. “Please.” He didn’t want to beg, but he figured if there was anyone to plead with in a situation like this, it was the Lord.
“Dave,” Hudson called, and Dave swung around to see him gesturing for him to come help. So Dave did what he’d done last time Sissy had taken his heart and choked it to death. He went back to work. At least this time it was to help Hudson with a couple of dogs and not off to war again.
Friendly dogs, who just had a little too much energy, and Dave kept a good hold on their leashes while Hudson turned to another task. “Let’s go, guys,” he said to the pups. If they got some energy out, they’d be better during the dinner and subsequent fireworks. Plus, it gave Dave an excuse to run away for a little bit.
He walked briskly, keeping the dogs right at his side. They did what they wanted, though they both tried to pull more than once. About twenty minutes down the path, they finally settled into submission, both of them panting.
Dave wished he’d brought Stella, but she was a bit skittish around loud noises, and she was just as happy to sleep on his bed as she was to lay by him while the fireworks went off. By the time he made it back to the setup at the church, there were dozens of people there. Some throwing balls to dogs. Some walking them. Some looking at the cats. Most eating the hamburgers and hot dogs three volunteers from Forever Friends were serving up with smiles.
A little boy came over and asked, “Can I pat your dog?”
“Sure,” Dave said, the child’s enthusiasm hard to ignore. He made both dogs sit down, and then he allowed the boy to give them a good pat. They were obedient, and the black and white mutt seemed to smile right up at the boy. He called his mother over, and Dave passed the leash to him with the words, “He can pull a little, but I tired him out for you.”
He kept hold of the gray pit bull and took him with him as he went through the food line to get dinner. He sat beside Karla and Cache with the words, “I’m not interrupting, am I?”
“Nope,” Karla said, her voice a bit abrupt. Dave glanced at her, the marketing director who’d taken last Chance Ranch off the bluff and onto the Internet. Their horseback riding lessons had tripled in the time Karla had been working at the ranch, and they had nightly goat yoga now too. She organized tours, and part of her salary was paid by Forever Friends, and she did a ton for them too.
Dave looked at Cache, who couldn’t seem to look anywhere but at his food. He’d definitely interrupted, but he’d rather be here with this couple that wasn’t getting along than with the happier ones who couldn’t seem to keep their hands to themselves.
He felt sick to his stomach, and he didn’t want to be there. “I’m sorry,” he said, getting up. “I have to go.”
“Go?” Cache said after him, but Dave was already walking away, taking the gray bull dog with him. He didn’t know the dog’s name, but he could sleep with him and Stella, no problem.
At least he wouldn’t be completely alone this time.
Chapter 19
Sissy texted Scarlett about needing a few days off to go visit family, and the ranch owner hadn’t bought it for a second. Sissy hadn’t really believed she would. But she’d packed a bag and asked Clara to please come feed her cat and take the parakeet back to her place so it wouldn’t die of loneliness.
Clara had laughed at her, but Sissy knew birds could pine for their owners and actually die. She also knew what it felt like to want to die from loneliness. She’d never been all that great at being alone. Being stationary.
Even when she’d come to Pasadena and got a house and started a more permanent job at the ranch, she’d made quick friends and dated a lot. She didn’t want to go home to her house by herself.
She couldn’t believe Dave had broken up with her. Couldn’t believe he loved her.
“Of course you believe that,” she told herself as she heaved her suitcase into the back of her car. Though she was overweight and wore the wrong shoes around the ranch, Dave loved her. On some level, he’d always loved her. She’d felt it in his touch. In the way he kissed her. The simple way he looked at her.
Why couldn’t she love him back the way he needed her to?
Tears came to her eyes, and her frustration with herself rose and rose. She thought it would eventually peak, but it didn’t. Just kept building and building until she had to pull off the freeway so she could let it all out.
Sitting in her car, somewhere between the life she wanted and her mother’s house, Sissy sobbed and sobbed.
“What do I do now?” she begged the Lord. “Why am I like this?”
Eventually her crying subsided, and a sense of calmness came over her. She drew in one deep breath and then another. “Okay,” she said. “All right.” She gripped the steering wheel. “Help me here, Jesus.” Wasn’t there a song about letting the Lord take the wheel? She knew how to get to her mother’s house. She knew how to find her way home. How to get to the ranch, do her job, and make friends.
What she didn’t know how to do was navigate her own feelings and allow herself to love Dave Merrill.
“I do love him, though,” she whispered. The thought of not being with him made fresh tears prick her eyes. The idea of him being with someone else made her fingers tighten on that wheel.
All at once, she let go, lifting her hands up into the air. “I can’t do this on my own. Tell me what to do.”
No immediate answer
came to mind, but Sissy felt calm enough to continue her journey toward her mother’s house. She wouldn’t be arriving that day, though she could easily make the drive. In fact, she didn’t drive very much farther at all. Just through the city to Huntington Beach, where she found a hotel and checked herself in.
Though she was curvy, with dozens of extra pounds on her, she didn’t mind how she looked in a bathing suit. She adored laying on the beach and listening to the waves roll in, so she spent the afternoon behind mirrored sunglasses, crying occasionally and eating too much junk food as she tried to find a way to fix what she’d done.
Could she just call Dave? Apologize?
That almost felt too easy, and she didn’t think he’d take her back anyway. “You hurt him,” she whispered to the summer sun as it arced toward the ocean. “You hurt him again.”
The following day was the Sabbath, and while she didn’t usually seek out a church and attend if she was traveling, today she did. She found a little white church a few blocks from her hotel, and she donned a cute yellow sundress and left her hair to fall over her shoulders as preparation to go.
Her nerves danced through her system as she walked inside. There was something a little frightening about going somewhere new and having to talk to new people, explain she was just a visitor, and try to feel something too.
But Sissy made it onto a bench on the side without any interaction, and she sat with her hands resting easily in her lap as she gazed at the beautiful stained glass window behind the dais. She hadn’t seen this window from the front of the building, and the way the sunlight illuminated the scene from the garden of Gethsemane touched her heart.
Tears flowed down her face before she could stop them, and she was eternally grateful she’d decided to go plain today. No makeup. No jewelry. She looked like she’d just walked in off the beach, but a couple went past her to the row a few in front of her, and that woman wasn’t even wearing a skirt. They were probably visitors too, and Sissy was glad she’d come.