by Indiana Wake
Once she was walking again, she was certain she had done no more than strained herself. As foolish as she had been, it looked as if she had gotten away with it this time.
“What I can’t understand is how this heat doesn’t seem to be affecting you. What on earth were you thinking dragging that rug out here? They’re tough enough to beat in the first place without being in your condition.” He seemed concerned and exasperated in equal measure.
“I know, I know. I really am so sorry,” she said as he walked her through the kitchen and into the sitting room, settling her down into his high-backed armchair.
“You don’t need to be sorry, I’m not angry with you,” Josh said gently. “I’m just worried is all. I don’t know much about this kind of thing, but I reckon there’s no telling what damage you can do if you’re not careful. You know, you are this close to having a baby.” He indicated a space of about an eighth of an inch between his thumb and forefinger.
“I’ve got a few weeks left yet,” Grace said but immediately realized that she ought not to be arguing about it. “But you’re right, it was a silly thing to do. It’s just that everything is done.” She looked all about her at the pristine sitting room. “Right down to the laundry and the preparation for tonight’s meal.”
“Then what is wrong with taking a rest? Sitting down for a while, reading a book?”
“Reading a book isn’t really what you pay me for,” Grace said without thinking.
“I don’t pay you at all. You’re my wife, remember?” He seemed a little bit offended.
“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… well, I’m sorry,” Grace said and truly was. “I guess I just forget sometimes. I mean, everything is just the same as before, isn’t it? I don’t feel any different than I did when I was a housekeeper.”
“Why don’t I just get you a glass of water and you rest here for a minute?” Josh said as if keen to end the discussion.
“Thank you.” she watched him leave.
She hadn’t meant her words to sound quite as they had, and she wondered if he had thought her to be complaining in some way. But her very reason for agreeing to the marriage was because it was in name only and she realized that he might well have assumed her to be now looking for something more.
With a sigh, she thought it was little wonder that he had left the room in a hurry. Josh Lacey wanted stability, a mother for the daughter he loved so much, not a wife in every way. And with her own heart in the state it was, she was certain that it was the last thing that she wanted too.
Grace closed her eyes and realized that there was no way to explain her words, no way to take them back. All she could do was act just as normal and hope that he would forget all about it.
Josh took his time getting the water. He wanted to put himself back on an even keel before he returned to her.
He could hardly believe how her words struck him. He hadn’t really contemplated how it was she felt about being there in the house now as his wife instead of as the housekeeper. Josh had known all along that it was the sort of thinking that would do him no good.
But to discover that she felt no different now than she had then was peculiarly painful. He hadn’t consciously hoped for her feelings toward him to change, but it was clear to him now that his hope had worked away quietly in the background.
Of course, her words might have really had very little to do with his own thinking. She might genuinely not be quite relaxed enough to see the place as her home instead of her place of work. But still, he felt a little turned upside down by his own reaction to it all and wished that he hadn’t been suddenly confronted with his own feelings.
With her first husband not passed away even a year yet, Josh knew that it would be foolish to expect that she had ever thought of him in such terms. For one thing, she was so much younger than him. He was a man in his thirties with a daughter who was slowly approaching womanhood herself. Why on earth would a young woman of not much more than twenty set her sights on somebody like him?
Although he had asked her to marry him out of his own need, out of his own fear that she would leave him alone with Janet, Josh had to admit to himself that there was more to it.
He had quietly hoped that she was slowly falling for him, that she would wake up one day with feelings for him that she couldn’t deny. As he made his way back to the sitting room, Josh silently cursed himself for his naiveté, and even more so for his continued and ever-deepening attraction for her.
“Here you are, see if this cools you down a bit,” Josh said with a forced bright smile as he strode into the sitting room and handed her the glass.
“Thank you.” She laid the cold glass against her forehead for a moment before taking a drink finally. “Oh, that is better.” She smiled up at him warmly.
“Do you want some more?” he asked as she drained the water entirely.
“No, thank you, that was perfect.” She handed the glass back to him and leaned back in his armchair. “What about the yard? What if somebody comes for timber?”
“If they’re that desperate, I’m sure they’ll know where to find me.” Josh decided to sit down on the couch for a few minutes and do what he could to return himself to his old way of thinking.
He couldn’t go on seeing her in such a light, it could only do harm. He was married to her now and he had made her a promise about what sort of marriage that would be. He knew he couldn’t go back on that promise. She had trusted him, and Josh would never do anything to betray that trust.
“What’s this?” he asked with interest as he lifted a folded bundle of yellow fabric from the arm of the couch.
“Oh yes, it’s just a dress.”
“It doesn’t look very much like a dress,” he said and realized that it was a work in progress.
Parts of the material were expertly joined, and others hung loose, the curious shapes suggesting sleeves and waistbands.
“No, I’m still making it.” Grace laughed. “And thinking about it now, I suppose I would have been better off spending my afternoon sewing than beating rugs,” she said ruefully and shrugged.
“Well, at least you have something to do now.” Josh laughed and felt the old ease returning.
This was where he wanted to be, this was how he had planned things. Just easy and simple living, companionship, support, that was all. “It looks a bit small though.” He opened the fabric out fully. “I take it this is for wearing after you’ve had the baby.”
“For goodness sake, it’s not for me at all.” Grace laughed louder still. “It’s for Janet. Even when I’ve had the baby, I would never fit into this.”
“Oh, I see.” Josh colored a little and laughed also. “I bet Janet is real pleased that you’re making it for her.”
“I don’t know,” Grace said and smiled cautiously.
“I know she probably hasn’t said so, but I’m sure she’s grateful.”
“She doesn’t know yet.” Grace shrugged it off. “I mean, I’m just following along the shape of one of her other dresses. I’m adding an inch or two here and there for growing room, but I thought it would be easier than trying to get Janet to stand still to be measured. I’m sure things are going better, I just don’t want to push too hard.”
“It’s real nice of you to do that for her, even if she doesn’t know about it yet.” Josh felt suddenly very touched.
He was glad for this moment of reality, the very thing that affirmed the choices he’d made. Grace was looking out for Janet, making sure that she had a nice new dress to wear as she started to grow out of her old ones.
It wasn’t just thoughtful, it was the work of a real mother. He realized then that Grace had taken on that challenge willingly, and even though she had the security of their marriage, she was still determined to make progress with Janet, to look after her in ways that the girl didn’t even realize.
He had the feeling that everything was going to be all right suddenly. He would, if he put in the effort, put an end to his foolish notions
of romance with the dark-haired young beauty, and she would do everything in her power to help him set his heart broken, anger-filled little girl on the path to happiness.
Josh realized that if he never had anything else in the world, that this would be enough.
“I just hope it fits her when the time comes. A lot of guesswork has gone into it.” Grace laughed. “But it will give me something less energetic to do and keep me out of trouble, so even if it doesn’t fit, it will have served a purpose.”
“I’m sure it will fit, Grace. And I know that Janet will just love it.” He gave her a friendly smile and was pleased when she returned it. “Now, if you promise to behave yourself, I guess I’d better get back to the yard.” He rose to his feet.
“I won’t even bring the rug back in from the line, Josh. I’ll leave that for you when you come back later.” She laughed and reached out to take the bundle of yellow fabric from his hands.
Chapter 12
Just a week later, and the bundle of yellow fabric that Josh had lifted from the couch had been turned into a perfect little dress.
“That sure is a skill, Grace,” Josh said as she held it proudly up in front of her for him to look at. “That is a real clever thing to be able to take a bunch of cloth and make clothing out of it.” And the truth was, he was genuinely impressed.
Josh had only ever worked with wood, and only then to cut it to length for other people. He was not particularly creative, and he knew it, although he appreciated it in others.
“Eileen was always good with a needle and thread,” he said without even thinking about it.
“I can tell that, her work is everywhere.” Grace looked around at the drapes. “And it is real nice work at that.”
“You don’t mind it staying? I mean, it’s your home now, you can change anything you like.”
“No, I wouldn’t even think of it.” Grace set the dress carefully down on the kitchen table before taking the seat opposite him. “It’s important to keep reminders. Even things which don’t seem so big, drapes, cushions, it means something.”
“I guess you’re right.” Josh had never particularly thought about it before.
The truth was that, despite the slight mismatching of Josh and his first wife, her death had affected him greatly. He had loved her and cared for her very much, even though she had never been the love of his life, nor he hers.
And while it was something he knew in his heart, he had never tried to explain it to anybody. After all, it would sound cruel and disrespectful, even though it truly wasn’t.
The gap between Josh and Eileen was something that they had both always recognized, something they had seen in the beginning and even discussed a little from time to time. Neither one of them had gone into marriage with their eyes closed, neither one had been under any illusion.
But they had both been happy with their arrangement, content in their own way, and Josh would have given anything to have been able to save her from the infection that had seemed to come out of the blue and steal her life away before he had even had time to contemplate everything he was losing.
“That was one of the things that made me feel numb when I was selling all our possessions. When I first arrived in Oregon, I guess I was just managing on survival instinct. I needed money, some way of supporting myself, and I had to sell everything. Our oxen, the wagon, the odd bits of furniture which we brought with us. And every bit of it felt wrong. Every time somebody offered me money for a piece of farm equipment I just felt guilty, and in so much pain. I wanted to keep it all, to be able to touch the things that he touched. If that makes sense.”
He saw sadness in her brown eyes that he had not seen for a while and he was reminded once again of the great love that must surely have existed between that husband and wife.
“It does make sense.” He nodded. “I guess I just never thought of it that way. Me and Eileen, well, I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.” He had been about to tell her all of it, everything he had kept to himself for so long.
But, in the end, he pulled away. He did not want her to misunderstand him, to think that he had not cared, that he was cruel. And to embark upon such a lengthy conversation when they were getting ready for church was probably poor timing.
“These things are always hard to explain,” Grace said and for a moment Josh had the sense that she already understood perfectly.
That was wishful thinking, of course, for how could she possibly have known the secrets of his heart, the very things that he had never spoken aloud to anybody but Eileen herself?
“Well, why don’t you take that pretty dress into Janet’s room? She might want to wear it to church,” Josh said with a broad smile.
He was so sure that things between Grace and Janet had improved and, that being the case, that things for Janet and her future had improved. The reading and writing lessons had stopped, but Grace had told him that Janet had caught up with her school friends now and said that she no longer needed the help.
Of course, he hadn’t been able to resist a trip to see Miss Martin to check for himself. Janet had a way of fooling people if it suited her. And even if she had lately adopted traits he did not like, Josh loved his daughter dearly and wanted to know that everything in her world was going along as well as could be expected. He wanted the best for her, but he realized that until she wanted the best for herself, there was only so much that he could do.
“Right, I’ll take it to her,” Grace said and, as she rose to her feet, Josh realized that she was nervous.
As much as he would not have her feel that way, it still gratified him that Grace cared enough to be concerned one way or the other. She was trying so hard, just as she had done from the very moment she had come into his home.
Grace returned to him in no time, settling herself down again at the kitchen table.
“Did she like it?” Josh said expectantly.
“I don’t know,” Grace said without commitment. “She said she was going to put it on for church, anyway. I hope it fits.”
“I’m sure it will fit just fine. And if it doesn’t, well, I am real grateful to you for thinking of her, for putting so much into trying to help her.”
“I know she pushes everybody away, me more than most, but I know she’s in there really. I know she wants to reach out and find someone there, you know?” Grace said and smiled at him uncertainly.
However much Josh tried to deny it to himself, he knew he would never stop looking into those brown eyes, at that olive skin, and that gleaming hair, and not think of her as beautiful. He stared at her for a moment, trying to find a sensible response, but felt lost somehow. Pleasantly lost but lost all the same.
After what felt like an eternity, he finally came back to his senses and was vaguely aware of some movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned to look and there stood Janet in the yellow dress which fitted her perfectly.
“Well now, don’t you look just as pretty as a picture?” Josh said, his face lighting up. “I’d say that fits you just perfect.”
“Yes, it fits real well,” Janet said and looked down at the dress and then back at Josh, her expression unreadable as it so often was of late.
“Thank you for making it for her, Grace. Thank you for taking the time,” Josh said when it looked as if his daughter was going to give no thanks at all.
As much as it went against the grain for him to extract either gratitude or apology from his daughter, he wanted her to thank Grace properly. He looked back at Janet and smiled but raised his eyebrows expectantly.
“Yes, thank you for making me the dress, Grace,” Janet said quietly.
“You’re welcome. I enjoyed making it.” Grace smiled, clearly thrilled that Janet seemed to like it.
“Well, I guess we’d better get ourselves ready for church.” Josh rose to his feet, setting off for his own room to change. By the time Grace had finished getting ready and had returned to the kitchen, Josh was already sitting at the table in his Sunday best. He wor
e a neat pair of brown trousers with clean brown boots and a fresh shirt of small tan-colored check. His broad-brimmed hat sat on the table ready for him to put on as soon as they headed out for the wagon. It was another bright, hot day, and he was certainly going to need it to keep the sun out of his eyes on the ride into town.
“There’s no sign of Janet anywhere,” he said the minute Grace walked into the kitchen.
“She’s probably just out back, Josh. I’ll go and take a look for her,” Grace said and smiled at him reassuringly. “She won’t be far away.”
“No, we’ll wait here for her. She knows that we’re setting off shortly and she ought to be back.” He seemed deflated now, as if he had a feeling, an instinct almost, that something was coming.
Grace would have given anything to have it not be so, but the truth was that she felt it herself. But perhaps she only felt it because she could see it in Josh.
For a moment she wondered when it was she had come to know him so well. At what point had she suddenly been able to read his expressions and equate them with emotions? Whenever it had been, it sure had crept up on her slowly and not even really made itself known.
Grace sat down at the kitchen table and they remained in silence for a few minutes, each one of them listening intently for any sound of Janet approaching. It was a tense few minutes and Grace truly felt for Josh. All she could do was hope and pray that Janet had just got distracted somehow, that she’d come tearing back in any moment and the three of them would climb into the wagon and set off for church.
No sooner had Grace thought it than Janet silently appeared in the kitchen doorway. She looked an absolute mess from head to toe, and the very first thing that Grace noticed was the disfiguring tear in the yellow fabric of the dress.
“Janet Lacey, what have you done?” Josh was on his feet and his expression was thunderous.
“It wasn’t my fault, Daddy. I fell down. And I’m really hurting,” Janet wailed as if she already felt herself to be a victim of some injustice or other.