One Thousand and One Nights

by Richard Burton

  So he gave them to her and she laughed and said, ‘Thy mistress laid these in thy pocket.’ ‘How so?’ asked he; and she replied, ‘It is as if she said to thee, in the language of signs, “An thou wert in love, thou wouldst not sleep, for a lover sleeps not: but thou art yet a child and fit for nothing but to play with these huckle-bones. So what ails thee to fall in love with the fair? “ Now she came to thee by night and finding thee asleep, devoured thy cheeks with kisses and left thee this sign. But this will not suffice her of thee and she will certainly send her husband to invite thee again to-night; so, when thou goest home with him, hasten not to fall asleep, and on the morrow bring me five hundred dinars and acquaint me with what hath passed, and I will tell thee what more thou shalt do. ‘I hear and obey,’ answered he and went back to the khan.

  Meanwhile, the jeweller’s wife said to her husband, ‘ Is the guest gone ?’ ‘Yes,’ answered he: ‘ but, O Helimeh, the mosquitoes plagued him last night and scarified his cheeks and lips, and indeed I was abashed before him.’ ‘This is the wont of the mosquitoes of our saloon,’ rejoined she; for they love none but the beardless. But do thou invite him again to-night.’ So he repaired to Kemerezzeman’s lodging and bidding him, carried him to his house, where they ate and drank and prayed the evening prayer in the saloon, after which the maid came in and gave each of them a cup of drink, and they drank and fell asleep. Presently, in came Helimeh and said, ‘O good-for-nought, how canst thou sleep and call thyself a lover? A lover sleepeth not.’ Then she mounted on his breast and ceased not to ply him with kisses and caresses, biting and sucking his lips and so forth, till the morning, when she put a knife in his pocket and sent her maid to arouse them.

  When Kemerezzeman awoke, his cheeks were on fire, for excess of redness, and his lips like coral, for dint of sucking and kissing. Quoth the jeweller, ‘Did the mosquitoes plague thee last night?’ ‘No,’ answered the young man; for, since he knew the word of the enigma, he left complaining. Then he felt the knife in his pocket and was silent. When he had broken his fast and drunk coffee, he left the jeweller and going to the khan, took five hundred dinars and carried them to the old woman, to whom he related what had passed, saying, ‘I slept in my own despite, and when I woke I found nothing but a knife in my pocket.’ ‘May God protect thee from her this next night !’ exclaimed the old woman. ‘ For she saith to thee [by this sign,] “An thou sleep again, I will cut thy throat.” Thou wilt once more be bidden to the jeweller’s house to-night, and if thou sleep, she will slay thee.’

  ‘What is to be done?’ asked he; and she said, ‘Tell me what thou atest and drankest before sleeping.’ Quoth he, ‘We supped as usual and prayed the evening prayer, after which there came in to us a maid, who gave each of us a cup of [diet-]drink, which when I had drunk, I fell asleep and awoke not till the morning.’ ‘The mischief is in the cup of drink,’ said the old woman. ‘So, when the maid gives it thee, take it from her, but drink not and wait till the master of the house have drunken and fallen asleep; then say to her, “Give me a draught of water,” and she will go to fetch thee the gugglet. Whilst she is gone, empty the cup behind the pillow and lie down and feign sleep. So when she comes back with the gugglet, she will deem that thou hast fallen asleep, after having drunk off the cup, and will go away; and the case will appear to thee anon; but beware of disobeying my bidding.’ ‘I hear and obey,’ answered he and returned to the khan.

  Meanwhile the jeweller’s wife said to her husband, ‘A guest’s due is three nights’ entertainment: so do thou invite him a third time.’ Accordingly the jeweller betook himself to Kemerezzeman and inviting him, carried him home and sat down with him in the saloon. When they had supped and prayed the evening prayer, in came the maid and gave each of them a cup. The jeweller drank and fell asleep; but Kemerezzeman forbore to drink whereupon quoth the maid, ‘Wilt thou not drink, O my lord?” ‘I am athirst,’ answered he. ‘Bring me the gugglet.’ So she went to fetch it, and in the meantime he emptied the cup behind the cushion and lay down. When the girl returned, she saw him lying down and told her mistress that he had drunk off the cup and fallen asleep; whereupon quoth Helimeh to herself, ‘Verily, his death is better than his life.’ Then, taking a sharp knife, she went in to him, saying, ‘Three times, and thou notedest not the sign, O fool! So now I will slit thy weasand’

  When he saw her making for him, with the knife in her hand, he opened his eyes and rose, laughing; whereupon, ‘ It was not of thine own wit,’ said she, ‘that thou camest at the meaning of the token, but by the help of some wily cheat; so tell me whence had thou this knowledge.’ ‘From an old woman,’ answered he and told her all that had passed between himself and the barber’s wife. ‘To-morrow,’ said she, ‘go thou to her and say, “ Hast thou any further device in store?” And if she say, “Yes,” do thou rejoin, “Then do thine endeavour to bring me to enjoy her publicly.” But, if she say, “ I have no means of doing that, and this is the last of my contrivance,” put her away from thy thought, and to-morrow night my husband will come to thee and invite thee. Do thou come with him and tell me and I will consider what remains to be done.’ ‘Good,’ answered he.

  Then he spent the rest of the night with her in kissing and clipping, plying the particle of copulation in concert and according the conjunctive with the conjoined, whilst her husband was as a cast-out nunation of construction, till the morning, when she said to him, ‘ It is not a night of thee that will content me, nor a day, no, nor yet a month nor a year; but it is my intent to abide with thee the rest of my life. Wait till I play my husband a trick that would baffle the keenest-witted and whereby we shall come to our desires. I will cause doubt to enter into him, so that he shall put me away, whereupon I will marry thee and go with thee to thine own country. Moreover, I will transport all his wealth and treasures to thy lodging and will contrive thee the ruin of his dwelling-place and the blotting-out of his traces. But do thou hearken to my speech and obey me in that I shall say to thee and cross me not.’ ‘I hear and obey,’ answered Kemerezzeman; ‘there is no opposition in me.’

  Then said she, ‘Go to the khan and when my husband comes to thee and invites thee, say to him, “ O my brother, a man is apt to be burdensome, and when his visits grow [over]frequent, both generous and niggard loathe him. How then shall I go with thee every night and lie with thee in the saloon? lf thou be not chagrined with me, thy harem will bear me a grudge, for that I hinder thee from them. If, therefore, thou hast a mind to my company, take me a house beside thine own and we will abide thus, now I sitting with thee till the time of sleep, and now thou with me. Then I will go to my lodging and thou to thy harem, and this will be better- advised than that I hinder thee from thy harem every night.” Then will he come to me and take counsel with me, and I will advise him to turn out our neighbour, for that the house in which he lives is ours and he rents it of us; and once thou art in the house, God will make the rest of our scheme easy to us. Go now and do as I bid thee.’ ‘I hear and obey,’ answered he; whereupon she left him and went away, whilst he lay down and feigned sleep.

  Presently, the maid came and aroused them; and when the jeweller awoke, he said to Kemerezzeman, ‘O merchant, have the mosquitoes troubled thee?’ ‘No,’ answered he, and Ubeid said, ‘Belike thou art grown used to them.’ Then they broke their fast and drank coffee, after which they went out to their affairs, and Kemerezzeman betook himself to the old woman, to whom he related what had passed, saying, ‘Hast thou any farther device to bring me to foregather with her publicly?’ ‘O my son,’ answered she, ‘my contrivance hath gone thus far, and now I am at the end of my devices.’ So he left her and returned to the khan, where towards eventide the jeweller came to him and invited him. Quoth Kemerezzeman, ‘I cannot go with thee.’ ‘Why so?’ asked the merchant. ‘I love thee and cannot brook separation from thee. I conjure thee by Allah to come with me!’ ‘If it be thy wish,’ replied Kemerezzeman, ‘to continue our intercourse and keep up the friendship betwixt thee and me, take me a house
beside shine own, and if thou wilt, thou shalt pass the evening with me and I with thee; but, when the time of sleep cometh, each of us shall go to his own house and lie there.’ Quoth Ubeid, ‘I have a house adjoining mine, which is my own property: so go thou with me to-night and to-morrow I will have the house voided for thee.’

  So he went with him and they supped and prayed the evening-prayer, after which the jeweller drank the cup of drugged liquor and fell asleep: but in Kemerezzeman’s cup there was no drug; so he drank it and slept not. Then came the jeweller’s wife and passed the night with him, whilst her husband lay like a dead man. When he awoke in the morning, he sent for the tenant of the adjoining house and said to him, ‘O man, void me the house, for I have need of it.’ ‘On my head and eyes,’ answered the man and voided the house to him, whereupon Kemerezzeman took up his abode therein and transported all his goods thither. The jeweller passed that evening with him, then went to his own house.

  On the morrow, his wife sent for a cunning builder and wrought on him with money to make her an underground [way] from her chamber to Kemerezzeman’s house, ending in a trap-door under the earth. So, before Kemerezzeman was ware, she came in to him with two bags of money and he said to her, ‘ Whence comest thou ?’ She showed him the underground way and said to him, ‘Take these two bags of his money.’ Then she abode with him, toying and dallying with him, till the morning, when she said, ‘Wait for me, till I go to him and wake him, so he may go to his shop, and return to thee.’ So saying, she went away and awoke her husband, who made the ablution and prayed and went to his shop. As soon as he was gone, she took four bags of money and carrying them to Kemerezzeman, sat with him awhile, after which she returned to her house and he betook himself to the bazaar.

  When he returned at sundown, he found in his house ten purses and jewels and what not else. Presently the jeweller came to him and carried him to his own house, where they passed the evening in the saloon, till the maid brought them to drink. The jeweller drank and fell asleep, whilst nought betided Kemerezzeman [and he abode awake], for that his cup was pure and there was no drug therein. Then came Helimeh and fell to toying with him, whilst the maid transported the jeweller’s goods to Kemerezzeman’s house by the secret passage. Thus they did till morning, when the maid awoke her master and gave them to drink of coffee, after which they went each his own way.

  On the third day she brought out to him a knife of her husband’s, that he had chased and wrought with his own band. He priced it at five hundred dinars and because of the eagerness with which the folk sought it of him, he had laid it up in a chest and could not bring himself to sell it to any. Quoth she, ‘Take this knife and stick it in thy girdle and go to my husband and sit with him. Then pull out the knife and say to him, “Look at this knife I bought to-day and tell me if I made a good bargain or not.” He will know it, but will be ashamed to say to thee, “This is my knife.” So he will ask thee, “ Whence didst thou buy it and for how much ? “And do thou answer,” I saw two Levantines disputing and one said to the other, ‘Where hast thou been?’ Quoth his companion, ‘I have been with my mistress, and whenever I foregather with her, she gives me money; but to-day she said to me, “I have no money to give thee to-day, but take this knife of my husband’s.” So I took it and mean to sell it.’ The knife pleased me and I said to him, ‘Wilt thou sell it to me?’ ‘Buy,’ answered he. So I got it of him for three hundred dinars and I wonder whether it was cheap or dear.” And note what he will say to thee. Then talk with him awhile and rise and come back to me in haste. Thou wilt find me awaiting thee at the mouth of the underground way, and do thou give me the knife.’ ‘I hear and obey,’ replied Kemerezzeman and taking the knife, stuck it in his girdle.

  Then he went to the shop of the jeweller, who saluted him and welcomed him and made him sit down. He spied the knife in his girdle, at which he wondered and said in himself, ‘That is my knife: who can have given it to this merchant?’ And he fell a-musing and saying in himself, ‘I wonder if it is my knife or one like it!’ Presently, Kemerezzeman pulled it out of his girdle and said to him, ‘Harkye, master; take this knife and look at it.’ Ubeid took it and knew it right well, but was ashamed to say, ‘ This is my knife;’ so he said, ‘Where didst thou buy it?’ Kemerezzeman replied as Helimeh had charged him, and the jeweller said, ‘The knife was cheap at that price, for it is worth five hundred dinars’ But fire flamed in his heart and his hands were tied from working at his craft.

  Kemerezzeman continued to talk with him, whilst he was drowned in the sea of solicitudes, and for fifty words wherewith the youth bespoke him, he answered him but one; for his heart was in torment and his body racked and his mind troubled and he was even as saith the poet:

  I cannot speak, what time to talk with me folk have a mind, And if they speak to me, my thought they absent from me find.

  Drowned in the sea of care, that hath no bottom, ‘twixt the folk I can’t distinguish, no, nor man can tell from womankind.

  When Kemerezzeman saw him thus discomfited, he said to him, ‘Belike thou art busy at this present,’ and leaving him, returned to his own house, where he found Helimeh standing at the door of the underground passage, awaiting him. Quoth she, ‘Hast thou done as I bade thee?’ And he said, ‘Yes.’ ‘ What said he to thee?’ asked she, and he answered, ‘He told me that the knife was cheap at that price, for that it was worth five hundred dinars: but I could see that he was troubled; so I left him and know not what befell him after that.’ ‘Give me the knife,’ said she, ‘and reck thou not of him.’ Then she took the knife and restoring it to its place, sat down.

  Meanwhile, fire flamed in the jeweller’s heart and disquietude was sore upon him and he said in himself, ‘Needs must I go and look for the knife and do away doubt with certainty.’ So he repaired to his house and went in to his wife, snorting like a dragon; and she said to him, ‘What ails thee, O my lord ?’ ‘Where is my knife ?’ asked he. ‘In the chest,’ answered she and smote upon her breast, saying, ‘Woe is me! Belike thou hast fallen out with some one and art come to fetch the knife to smite him withal’ ‘Give me the knife,’ said he. ‘Let me see it’ But she replied, ‘[I will not give it thee] till thou swear to me that thou wilt not smite any one with it.’ So he swore this to her and she opened the chest and brought out to him the knife and he fell to turning it over, saying, ‘Verily, this is a strange thing!’

  Then said he to her, ‘Take it and lay it back in its place.’ Quoth she, ‘Tell me the meaning of all this.’ And he answered, ‘I saw a knife like this with our friend [the merchant],’ and told her all that had passed between himself and Kemerezzeman, adding, ‘But, when I saw it in the chest, there was an end of my doubts.’ ‘Belike,’ said she, ‘thou misdoubtedst of me and deemedst that I was the Levantine’s mistress and had given him the knife.’ ‘Yes,’ replied he; ‘I had my doubts of this; but, when I saw the knife, suspicion was lifted from my heart.’ ‘O man,’ rejoined she, ‘there is no good in thee!’ And he fell to excusing himself to her, till he appeased her; after which he returned to his shop.

  Next day, she gave Kemerezzeman her husband’s watch, which he had wrought with his own hand and whereof none had the like, saying, ‘Go to his shop and sit with him and say to him, “I saw again to-day him whom I saw yesterday. He had a watch in his hand and said to me, ‘Wilt thou buy this watch?’ Quoth I, ‘Whence hadst thou it?’ And he answered, saying, ‘I was with my mistress and she gave me this watch.’ So I bought it of him for eight- and-fifty diners. Look at it: is it cheap at that price or dear?” Note what he says to thee; then return to me in haste and give me the watch.’ So Kemerezzeman repaired to the jeweller and did with him as his mistress had charged him. When Ubeid saw the watch, he said, ‘This is worth seven hundred diners;’ and suspicion entered into him. Then Kemerezzeman left him and returning to Helimeh, gave her back the watch.

  Presently, in came her husband, snorting, and said to her, ‘Where is my watch?’ ‘Here it is,’ answered she. And he said, �
��Give it me.’ So she brought it to him and he exclaimed, ‘There is no power and no virtue save in God the Most High, the Supreme!’ ‘O man,’ said she, ‘there is something the matter with thee. Tell me what it is.’ ‘What shall I say?’ answered he. ‘Verily, I am bewildered by these [strange] chances!’ And he recited the following verses:

  By the Compassionate, I’m dazed about my case; for lo! Troubles and griefs beset me sore, I know not whence they grow.

  Patient I’ll be, so aloes’ self, that I against a thing Bitt’rer than ever aloes was endured have, may know.

  Aloes itself less bitter than my patience is; I’ve borne With patience what is hotter far than coals with fire aglow.

  Will o’er my case hath no command; but unto patience fair I’m bidd’n of Him who orders all that is for weal or woe.’

  Then he said to his wife, ‘O woman, I saw, in the hands of the merchant our friend, first my knife, which I knew, for that its fashion was of my own invention, nor doth its like exist; and he told me of it a story that troubled the heart: so I came [home] and found it [here]. Again to-day I see him with the watch, whose fashion also is of my own invention, nor is there the fellow of it in Bassora, and of this also he told me a story that troubled my heart. Wherefore I am bewildered in my wit and know not what is come to me.’ Quoth she, ‘The gist of thy speech is that thou suspectedst me of being the merchant’s mistress and giving him thy goods; so thou camest to question me and make proof of my perfidy; and but that I showed thee the knife and the watch, thou hadst been certified of my faithlessness But, O man, since thon deemest thus of me, henceforth I will never again break bread with thee nor drink water, for I loathe thee with the loathing of prohibition.’